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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24755479">you said you and i would read fairytales again one night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeScreamQueen/pseuds/EyeScreamQueen'>EyeScreamQueen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Aromantic Asexual Garnet (Steven Universe), Bachelorette Party, Background Lapidot - Freeform, Background Rupphire - Freeform, Depression, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Established Relationship, Eventual Relationships, F/F, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Death in Childbirth, Marriage, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Slow Burn, Therapy, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Planning, let pearl say fuck, pearlmethyst - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:20:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>89,321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24755479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeScreamQueen/pseuds/EyeScreamQueen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Pearl. I want a divorce.”</p><p>- and the bedroom floor is surely crumbling, the walls must be closing in, the ceiling must be coming through, because this is a nightmare, this cannot be real -</p><p>Pearl and Amethyst are stuck in a rut, and their nine-year marriage is falling apart. In a last-ditch effort to save their failing relationship, they delve into their past together in the hope of fixing their issues while there's still a chance at happiness.</p><p>(or, the Pearlmethyst couple therapy fic absolutely nobody asked for.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amethyst/Pearl (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Rose Quartz/Greg Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i'm not good at guessing (why don't you confess it?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Amethyst attempts damage control, Pearl agrees to a compromise, and suddenly they're about to see a lot more of a family friend.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“I love you so much.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>“I love you </em>more.<em>” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The flash goes off. “Beautiful, ladies! Now, Amethyst, if you can just hop up on that tree stump - that’s it, careful of the dress, keep your arms around her, and I’m going to move just - here - oh, that’s perfect - “ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>They barely hear the photographer. The sun catches the red in Pearl’s hair, sets off the russet in Amethyst’s dark eyes, and at that moment they feel like the only things that exist: the pair of them and their future, stretching out ahead as golden and bright as a summer afternoon. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I’m going to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I promise,” Pearl whispers, eyes shimmering. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I know.” Amethyst’s smile stretches ear to ear as she squeezes her shoulders, leans closer, seals the promise with a kiss. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“God<em>damn</em> it, Amethyst!" cusses Pearl, surveying her previously spotless kitchen in outrage. "Is it impossible for you to clean the kitchen after you’ve trashed it?” </p><p> </p><p>“Well, excuse me for making breakfast on my only day off!” Amethyst rounds the corner from the living room, hands jammed in her overall pockets.</p><p> </p><p>“The gesture is ruined when I have to spent a half hour that I <em>don't have</em> cleaning up after you!” Pearl snaps as she sweeps the mixing bowl, dirty spoons, plates and mugs into the sink, before grabbing the disinfectant spray and beginning to scrub the sticky pancake batter off the countertop. “ I mean - honestly! It’s like having two children!”</p><p> </p><p>“I was gettin’ around to it!” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right, like you were 'getting around to' the laundry that I ended up doing Sunday,” Pearl hurls back, slamming the cupboard door unnecessarily hard. Amethyst glares at her.</p><p> </p><p>“You know I’ve been pulling overtime this week."</p><p> </p><p>“Please,” Pearl rolls her eyes as she grabs the rubber gloves. “I work a forty hour week and still have to pick up the majority of your slack round here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nobody’s askin’ you to play housekeeper, P!”</p><p> </p><p>“A housekeeper earns a wage!” Pearl snarls, now attacking the dishes with the scourer. Amethyst vents her feelings with a kick at the scuffed corner of the breakfast bar.</p><p> </p><p>“Quit getting at me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop being so aggravati - oh - God. <em>God.</em> I can’t do this with you now. We’re going to be late.” Pearl catches sight of the clock, shucks off the gloves with the dishes still half-finished, and shoulders past Amethyst. The shorter woman groans in exasperation.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re running away like you always do.”</p><p> </p><p>“One of us has to get Opal to school,” seethes Pearl, before steadying her voice to call down the hallway. “Opal? Where are you? Shoes and bookbag, now, please!”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got the shoes,” Amethyst offers from by the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I expect you want congratulating,” Pearl hisses back. “If you keep doing it for her she’ll never learn independence - and she’s going to turn out just like you.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst’s face falls, hurt and furious. “What the f-“</p><p> </p><p>“Mommy?” Opal runs into the living room, almost skidding on the wood floor, searchlight-blue eyes huge beneath her blonde bangs.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, darling?” Pearl tears her eyes away from Amethyst and turns a far kinder gaze on her daughter.</p><p> </p><p>“I... sorta... can’t find my bookbag.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl suppresses a groan. “Well, where did you last see it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I kinda... forgot.” Opal shuffles her feet, eyes flickering between her mothers and the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“Opal - “</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t be mad,” Opal says, voice halfway to a whimper. Pearl checks herself - takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of her nose - and gets down to Opal’s eye level, like all the parenting manuals say.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not... mad. I just - wish you’d be more careful. Remember, you’re in first grade now.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Mommy, Mama.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst joins Pearl, carefully not looking at her wife as she ruffles Opal’s tufty braids.</p><p> </p><p>“I ain’t mad at you either, kiddo. C’mon, let’s go find that bookbag. Last one to your room’s a rotten egg!”</p><p> </p><p>Opal skips away, tugging Amethyst along by the hand. A look passes between the two adults that plainly says <em>'We aren’t finished here'</em>.</p><p> </p><p>But they press pause on the fight, as they have every other fight for the last six months, and each goes about her day under a black cloud.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pearl is surprised to see Amethyst’s car in the drive when she gets back from work that afternoon. She frowns as she unlocks the door, finding the place silent - if Amethyst is home, Opal should be around too, and the house hasn't been quiet since they brought Opal home from the hospital.</p><p> </p><p>She hears something strange from down the hall, and - imagining all manner of injuries and accidents - runs to Opal’s room. She finds it a mess, as usual, but still and empty, which is decidedly <em>un</em>usual.</p><p> </p><p>The sound is coming from her bedroom - her and Amethyst’s bedroom, technically. Amethyst has been sleeping on the couch more often than not of late. But she is the only person who can possibly be in there, and Pearl sighs, massaging her temples as she slowly crosses the hall. She has had a hell of a day with a particularly poorly merged set of data and she could do without a fight.</p><p> </p><p>As she nears the door, hesitating, she realizes the sound is Amethyst crying.</p><p> </p><p>“Ame?” she calls. “I’m coming in.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s no answer, so she swings the door open. Amethyst is sat on what used to be her side of the bed, face swollen, eyes red-rimmed.</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst?” Pearl asks, wide-eyed. “Wh- where’s Opal? Did something happen?”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s fine. Sleeping over at Garnet’s,” Amethyst manages thickly, wiping her eyes and nose on the back of her hand.</p><p> </p><p>“It wasn’t on the-“</p><p> </p><p>“Calendar, I know.” Amethyst wipes her hand on her shirt and then raises both hands in a placatory gesture. “I asked G as a favour. I needed to talk to you. Without Opal earwigging.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.” Pearl says. She can’t fault Amethyst’s choice of babysitter, though has to fight the impulse to argue about an unscheduled sleepover on a school night. Her mounting concern has shifted from Opal to whatever it is that Amethyst needs to discuss so urgently.</p><p> </p><p>“Sit down, P.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl complies, folding her hands in her lap. She can’t honestly remember when they were both last on this bed together.</p><p> </p><p>“Look at this,” Amethyst sniffs, holding out a framed photograph.</p><p> </p><p>She recognizes it instantly - how could she not? The two of them, youthful and joyous, on their wedding day: Amethyst radiant in her white dress, purple freesias in her hair. Her own hair is shorter in the photo than today, not quite skimming the collar of her tuxedo. Ame’s arms are wrapped around her neck as she stands on a stump to bring them to eye level, despite the height difference. Both of them are glowing, beaming, bathed in afternoon sunshine in the instant before a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>“What about it?” Pearl ventures, tracing the edge of the frame with a fingertip. Her heart begins to thump uncomfortably.</p><p> </p><p>“Look how happy we were,” Amethyst smiles sadly, though her eyes are full. “It feels like forever ago, doesn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“It does,” Pearl admits. “Nine years”</p><p> </p><p>“Not even a decade yet,” Amethyst sighs. “I don’t remember when I last saw you smile like that.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl opens her mouth to retort, then stops. “You... don’t smile like that anymore either.”</p><p> </p><p>A tear splashes onto Amethyst‘s denim-clad lap, followed by a second. She ducks her head to hide her face as she pulls the photo back towards herself, hands trembling. Pearl reaches out a hand to Amethyst’s shoulder but stops short, worrying her lip, before her hand can make contact.</p><p> </p><p>She can hear her wife sniffling and swallowing for several long moments before she speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl. I want a divorce.”</p><p> </p><p>- and the bedroom floor is surely crumbling, the walls must be closing in, the ceiling must be coming through, because this is a nightmare, this cannot be real -</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean it,” Amethyst says, though her words are rent in two by a sob that bursts out, no matter how she tries to hold it back. “I hate this, I can’t do it anymore, I hate how miserable we make each other - “</p><p> </p><p>“I - you <em>can’t</em> - divorce - no,” Pearl’s voice quavers, fragments of sentences dropping from her mouth out of order. Her vision swims.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve tried, Pearl,” Amethyst pleads. “We’ve tried. I promised to take care of you and I failed. I can’t stand making you so unhappy. I’m just a disappointment.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not - “ Pearl murmurs, and then she thinks, remembering some of her harsher words over the last few months - hell, even the last few days don’t paint a pretty picture.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You’re sloppy. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You’re being ridiculous. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You’re in my way. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You’re being so erratic. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Stop bothering me! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I hate it when you get like this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Why do you always do this to me? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She’s going to turn out just like you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The hand she’d failed to comfort Amethyst with makes its way to her mouth in shock.</p><p> </p><p>“I - “ she manages weakly, feeling hot tears on her own cheeks. “We aren’t that bad.”</p><p> </p><p>“We totally are,” replies Amethyst. “I feel like all we ever do is fight, or pretend not to be fighting around Opal. And she totally knows. Kid hears everything. If we stay like this it’s gonna mess her up, for sure.”</p><p> </p><p>She’s right. Pearl’s throat constricts, chest tightening, the corners of her vision are beginning to darken, ohgodoh<em>godohgodnopleaseno</em> -</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl - oh, shit.” Amethyst’s dirty face twists in concern as she glances at Pearl, sees the rapid in-and-out flutter of her chest as she starts to hyperventilate. “Pearl - you gotta breathe. Look at me. Pearl, please look at me.”</p><p> </p><p>She blinks rapidly, manages to focus. Amethyst. Brown eyes and brown skin and purple hair with black coming through at the roots and tear-stained shirt and paint on her overalls and the photo in her hands. Her wife. Who wants to leave her.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t realize she’s sobbing without breathing until her vision polka-dots and her lungs burn and a ragged gasp bursts out, followed by a howl which she barely muffles by biting down on her hand. She doubles over, both hands to her face, tears flooding out the instant she allows her useless body breath with which to cry.</p><p> </p><p>There is movement beside her and pressure on her shoulder, a pudgy hand trying to grip hers, failing, then something softer pressing against her from behind.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay, Pearl. It’s okay.” Amethyst is crying, which rather undercuts the reassurance.</p><p> </p><p>This is wrong. This is a mess, this is so fucked up, this isn’t them, they’re <em>Amethyst</em> and <em>Pearl</em>, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening -</p><p> </p><p>“But it is happening,” she feels Amethyst weep into her shoulder. She hadn’t realised she’d been muttering the words aloud. “Pearl, I’m so sorry, you deserve better.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want better,” she whimpers, sucking in a breath as fresh tears drip down her chin. She forces herself to straighten up, gulping, screwing her eyes shut, willing herself to breathe through the panic attack still trying to shut her brain down. The comforter falls down from her shoulders - Amethyst had dragged the half they aren't sitting on across to wrap around her.</p><p> </p><p>“I want - I want us. I want us back. This - " she gestures to the two of them and their sorry state, “ - isn’t who we are.”</p><p> </p><p>“But we’ve been like this for years,” Amethyst falters, lifting her head and managing to grab Pearl’s hand, pulling her to face her. They both look awful, tears flowing, noses streaming, Amethyst’s hair sticking to her damp face where she’d pressed against Pearl’s shoulder. It occurs to them both it’s the closest they’ve been to holding one another in months. The wedding photo, now lying on the pillow, seems like a mockery.</p><p> </p><p>“We can fix this,” Pearl manages. “I’m - so sorry. I never meant - you don’t - fuck - "</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst waits as Pearl presses her lips into a thin white line, breathing through her nose. As she works to compose herself, Amethyst squeezes each knuckle one at a time: thumb, pointer, middle, ring, pinkie, then back again. A grounding technique. She’d used it back when Pearl’s panic attacks were an everyday occurrence. Before the therapy, and medication. Before Opal. Before they fell apart.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” Pearl chokes. “I never meant you to feel l-like I didn’t want you.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst forces a laugh. “I wouldn’t want me, neither.” She stares down at their linked hands. “I failed you. I said I’d protect you and I couldn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst.”</p><p> </p><p>“I let you down when we tried -“</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst, please.”</p><p> </p><p>“- to have another kid, didn’t I? I was so sure I’d be able to do it -“</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst, <em>stop</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“ - and I screwed up and I know you blame me for everything we went through a-and I know I can’t be enough for you and I -“</p><p> </p><p>“Stop it!” Pearl shrieks, hands over her ears.</p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Amethyst yells through her tears. “Give me one good reason I should stop!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because it’s my fault, not yours, and you’re b-breaking my heart,” Pearl whispers.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst has no answer. For what could be five minutes or half a century they sit, opposite one another on what was once their marital bed, silence punctuated only by sniffs and swallows.</p><p> </p><p>After a while Pearl grumbles “this is ridiculous,” and disappears into the bathroom. Coming back with a handful of toilet paper, she passes a chunk to Amethyst, mopping her face and eyes with her own half.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re welcome. We both look dreadful.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst gives a mirthless laugh. “What happened to ‘I’ll always find you beautiful’?”</p><p> </p><p>"Probably went around the same time as not being too tired for sex," Pearl sighs, grimacing as her ruined mascara stains the tissue crumpled in her hand, then tucks her hair behind her ears. "Amethyst... I know things are bad. I'm sorry. But I don't want a divorce. And I don't think you do either. I mean, look at us." </p><p> </p><p>"Well, this shit ain't working," Amethyst scoffs. Pearl closes her eyes against the fifty snarky responses that come to mind with no cognitive effort, takes a slow breath out, and reaches behind her for the comforter. </p><p> </p><p>"Come here." She tucks one half around her right shoulder, and indicates her free left side. Amethyst blinks. </p><p> </p><p>"Right up next to you?" she asks, warily.</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up and move before this gets weird."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst shuffles up until she is flush to Pearl's side, then reaches back for the other corner of the blankets. Pulling it up around her left, she hesitates before leaning against Pearl. They both tense up for a moment at the contact, before Pearl chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>"How weird is it that we're more uncomfortable around each other at in our thirties than when we were fresh out of college?"</p><p> </p><p>"Confidence of youth, or some shit," mumbles Amethyst. "The kids I teach are like, dripping over each other. Give them ten, twenty years and they'd be at each other's throats, too."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sighs, winds an arm around Amethyst for the first time in what feels like forever. She presses her lips down into the crown of her tousled head, mind whirring.</p><p> </p><p>"I never meant for us to end up so distant," she whispers.</p><p> </p><p>"Me neither," Amethyst answers. "But like - we need help. I don't wanna leave you but we can't keep goin' at it like this."</p><p> </p><p>"No, we can't." </p><p> </p><p>"What do we do?" </p><p> </p><p>"...Couples therapy?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst pulls away just enough to frown at Pearl. "You for real?" she asks, startled. The last time she'd raised the possibility Pearl had lost her damn mind.</p><p> </p><p>"I... have been resistant to the idea in the past, I know. But we can't carry on as we are. I don't want to keep hurting you."</p><p> </p><p>"Fuckssake, Pearl," Amethyst groans. "I wish you'd led with that idea before the D-word got tossed around."</p><p> </p><p>"I take it you're open to the idea, too?"</p><p> </p><p>"I literally have a list of therapists on my computer," Amethyst admits. "One of them is equal driving time between my school and your office, LGBT-friendly, and covered by our insurance." There is a note of hesitation in her voice that, after all this time and in such close quarters, Pearl would be a fool to miss.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst. What aren't you telling me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um... it's sorta someone we know."</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Amethyst.</em>"</p><p> </p><p>"You know Garnet's mom?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my God. How can you even sug - I am not getting relationship counselling from Sapphire!" Pearl yanks her arm back, staring aghast at the shorter woman, who merely shrugs and lifts her head off Pearl's shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"Tch, well if you don't wanna have to drive way out to Empire City, you are - and how are we gonna manage that around work and all the after-school crap you enrolled Opal into?"</p><p> </p><p>"I fail to see how - okay, enough," Pearl huffs. "We'll look over your list. I'll make my own enquiries. But I swear, I will die before we task our best friend's mother with saving this marriage."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"I'm going to die," moans Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"Chill out, she's a professional."</p><p> </p><p>"I cannot believe this is happening."</p><p> </p><p>"Stop freaking out," Amethyst is lounging in the waiting room chair, rolling her shoulders and tipping her head back to stretch her neck. "She's not gonna like, go home and blab to Ruby about us."</p><p> </p><p>"This is a nightmare." Pearl is well on her way to wearing the carpet through with her pacing. Amethyst is fighting the urge to tell her to just sit the fuck down already. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, we <em>are</em> a nightmare. Hence the appointment."</p><p> </p><p>"She's running late." </p><p> </p><p>"By about thirty seconds. My God, you are so anal."</p><p> </p><p>"How can you be so <em>calm</em><em>?" </em>hisses Pearl. </p><p> </p><p>"One of us has to be." </p><p> </p><p>"Pearl and Amethyst?" intones a cool voice from behind them. Amethyst jumps up as Pearl stops pacing, clutching her midsection. They both look like schoolkids caught with their hands in the cookie jar as they plaster unconvincing smiles to their faces to greet Garnet's mother.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Mrs. G-Squad!"</p><p> </p><p>"For God's sake, Amethyst - " Pearl wishes the ground could open and swallow her whole.</p><p> </p><p>"Please, call me Sapphire." The older woman is barely taller than Amethyst, long hair now silvery-blue, bangs cut to hide what they know to be an eyepatch. "Come on in. I knew you'd be early."</p><p> </p><p>"What's that, like, foresight?" chuckles Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>"No. Pearl is fifteen minutes early for every appointment," deadpans Sapphire. Pearl blushes at her accuracy as Amethyst tries and fails not to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>"So," Sapphire says, once they are in her office and seated. "I understand you've come for some relationship counselling."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes," Pearl says awkwardly. Amethyst chews her lip, staring at the floor.</p><p> </p><p>"I appreciate that you are friends with my daughter and I want you to be sure that I do not see a conflict of interest here. My professional and personal life are separate spheres. Nobody other than the three of us need ever know you even attend therapy."</p><p> </p><p>"Right," manages Amethyst. All the bravado has gone out of her now that they are actually there with Sapphire's eye fixed upon them. </p><p> </p><p>"So. What brings you here today?"</p><p> </p><p>"We... well - I - both of us really, are unhappy. In our marriage. And we would like to, um, not be. That is, we would like to be happy, again," Pearl stammers. God. This is excruciating. But Sapphire merely smiles and steeples her fingers.</p><p> </p><p>"Have you always been unhappy?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, no," blurts Amethyst, then colors up. "Sorry - I mean.... heck, no."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire's lips twitch. "That was emphatic. So you were happy?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl and Amethyst look at each other, half-guilty, half-wistful.</p><p> </p><p>"Blissfully," admits Pearl. "Once." Amethyst nods in agreement, swallowing against the lump in her throat.</p><p> </p><p>"So let's think back to that time," ventures Sapphire. "How about we start at the beginning. Why don't you tell me about how you two met?"</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i did it to him, you did it to me, she'll do it to you 'cause we're 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Years before their first marriage counselling session, Pearl needs a roommate and Amethyst needs an Advil. Oh, and Lapis and Peridot are the world's most unhelpful peanut gallery.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> <strong>Roommate required </strong> </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I am a twenty-three year old professional female, looking for another female with whom to share a third floor apartment on Bay St North, KS, 33016.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>The apartment is furnished with A/C and contains a shared kitchen, living area and bathroom. The vacant bedroom is furnished with a queen bed. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Only tenants with stable employment and clean habits will be considered. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Please see accompanying photographs and price per month. Prospective tenants or anyone wishing for further information should please contact Pearl DeWitt using the message function provided.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"...Yeah, you sound like a robot," Garnet says, staring at the screen. Pearl almost slams her face down on the table.</p><p> </p><p>"I - Garnet!" she whines. "I said <em>constructive</em> criticism."</p><p> </p><p>"She is being constructive," Lapis says, reading over Garnet's shoulder. "It reads like an ad posted by a serial killer."</p><p> </p><p>"Or a robot," adds Garnet. Peridot stares at them both owlishly behind her green-tinted glasses. She swears the coloured lenses are for screen glare, but Lapis won't stop calling her a poser and asking when she's going to steal the rest of Garnet's look.</p><p> </p><p>"I fail to see what the issue is with this advertisement. It provides adequate information for a new tenant to register interest in the room."</p><p> </p><p>"It's so dry," Lapis groans. "Pearl, you write like a forty year old man who lives in his mother's basement."</p><p> </p><p>"Has anyone - " begins Pearl, playfully shoving Garnet's shoulder as her best friend fails to adequately smother a laugh, " - got anything helpful to say?"</p><p> </p><p>"My opinion is that the advertisement is perfectly acceptable," replies Peridot. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you! Finally, something p- "</p><p> </p><p>" - and even if it weren't," Peridot continues, raising a pointer finger in a don't-interrupt-me gesture, "then we should offer encouragement to Pearl, as her self-esteem is obviously at a low ebb following the recent and spectacular collapse of her personal life."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's mouth hangs open. The ensuing silence is thick as treacle.</p><p> </p><p>"...You were about to say 'positive'," Garnet murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, Peri," whistles Lapis, as Peridot looks around in confusion. "We're gonna chat on the walk home about topics to avoid when someone's been dumped."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't follow," Peridot presses on. "Pearl invited us here specifically to critique her advertisement for the room which now needs to be filled as Rose has ended their romantic liaisons. How are we supposed to not talk about that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Starting to regret that invitation now," Pearl groans. </p><p> </p><p>"It'll be fine," Garnet says reassuringly, placing a hand on Pearl's shoulder. "You just need to add some personality."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe throw in that you're gay as hell so you don't get some homophobe for a roommate."</p><p> </p><p>"I would suggest modifying the language into more colloquial terms to encourage prospective roommates of a more... relaxed disposition to apply."</p><p> </p><p>"Leave out the employment and cleanliness bit, Pearl, you sound like an ass."</p><p> </p><p>"And I'd mention that your building doesn't have a lift. You know that was a pain when you moved in."</p><p> </p><p>"Fine, fine, message received," Pearl mutters, typing and deleting as they talk. "There. How's that?</p><p> </p><p>"<em>I (F23) am looking for an LGBT-friendly female roommate to share a third floor apartment on </em>blah, blah, this address", Lapis reads aloud in a bitingly accurate impression of Pearl until she tails off, bored, taking a sip of her beer.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>The apartment is furnished with A/C and shared kitchen, living area and bathroom. The vacant bedroom is furnished with a queen bed. Unfortunately, the building does not have an elevator,</em>" Peridot continues.</p><p> </p><p><em>"Pictures attached. For further information, please contact Pearl using the message function provided," </em>Garnet concludes, with an approving smile. "Much better - great job."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank y - what the <em>fuck</em>, Lapis?!" yelps Pearl, as Lapis reaches forward with the hand not wrapped around a bottle and taps 'Post' before anyone can stop her. </p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome," the blue-haired woman smirks.</p><p> </p><p>"I hate you."</p><p> </p><p>"You were only going to overthink it and spend hours hovering over it. Meanwhile, nobody's paying the other half of the rent," Lapis shrugs. "Nobody's expecting Shakespeare on this shit, everyone is either desperate for a room or desperate for a roommate."</p><p> </p><p>"She's got a point," Garnet hums. "And you can screen the messages before considering anyone."</p><p> </p><p>"Lazuli's unorthodox method is the most time-efficient," Peridot adds. Pearl glares at them all.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine. Fine! What's the worst that can happen?" she says, closing her laptop and gazing up at the watermarked ceiling. "I never thought I'd have to room with a stranger again."</p><p> </p><p>"It worked out fine in college," smiles Garnet. </p><p> </p><p>"I was terrified of you," Pearl reminds her.</p><p> </p><p>"Until we started talking."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but you're - you," Pearl finishes lamely. "I'm not going to find anyone else like you, and you let me crash at your place until R - until I could come back here."</p><p> </p><p>She pushes her short strawberry-blonde hair back from her eyes. Today has been a day. The apartment looks and feels wrong without Rose's stuff around and it still smells like her. She was reluctant to open the windows and air it out just yet. Just a little while longer. </p><p> </p><p>Still, at least she wasn't wallowing alone. "Lapis, could you please grab me a beer?"</p><p> </p><p>"You might get lucky," Lapis suggests as she snaps the cap off a fresh bottle and passes it to Pearl. "You might get messages from people who aren't unbalanced shut-ins or serial killers."</p><p> </p><p>"Great," she mutters humourlessly, before taking a long drink. "I can hardly wait to hear from the creeps."</p><p> </p><p>"You could meet someone who you find to be a far superior roommate to... the previous occupant," Peridot tries, giving Lapis a beam and a self-congratulatory thumbs-up at own her tact. Lapis smacks herself in the forehead, mumbling something into her hand that ends in 'surrounded by weirdos'.</p><p> </p><p>"Whoever you end up rooming with, this is a new chapter in your life." Garnet raises her bottle, indicating for Lapis to join her and Peridot to raise her soda. "We know this is hard for you, but we're all here for you and I for one am proud of you. To Pearl!"</p><p> </p><p>Lapis and Peridot echo her, clinking glass and aluminum before they drink. Pearl smiles despite herself as she rests her head against Garnet's broad, steadying shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Who knows. It might not be the Zodiac Killer. It could even end up being someone she gets along with. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Wakey wakey, eggs an' bakey!"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst cracks open one crusty eye. Her mouth tastes like an ashtray and she definitely didn't take her makeup off before passing out on the couch. She knows without moving her head that she is hungover as hell, and the preschooler yelling in her face isn't doing much to help.</p><p> </p><p>Still. It's Vidalia's house and Vidalia's kid, and she's been letting Amethyst crash here since she graduated art school, so Amethyst can suck it up. She forces a bright smile onto her exhausted face and sits up. </p><p> </p><p>"'Sup, Sourcream?" she says, holding out a palm. "Gimme five..."</p><p> </p><p><em>Slap.</em> "Now on the side..." <em>Slap. </em>Sour Cream's chubby face screws up in concentration as he moves his hand left.</p><p> </p><p>"Up above..." <em>Slap. </em>Amethyst grins for real as Sour Cream loses concentration, too happy for Auntie Ame's attention to remember what's coming up.</p><p> </p><p>"Down low - aha, too slow!" Amethyst cackles despite the supernovae exploding behind her tired eyes at Sour Cream's crestfallen face when she whips her hand away. "Ah, c'mon, little dude. It's okay. It's a game, right? A cool kids' game. And we're the cool kids."</p><p> </p><p>Sour Cream brightens again as she ruffles his blonde hair. "Yeah, we the cool kids!"</p><p> </p><p>"You're a cool kid, SC," calls Vidalia from the kitchen. "Auntie Ame is a menace."</p><p> </p><p>"Aww, V," Amethyst drawls, shaking off her blanket and standing up to stretch. "You flatter me."</p><p> </p><p>"Put some damn pants on in front of my kid and come help clean up," Vidalia laughs. Last night's eyeliner is smudged around her eyes, accentuating the dark under-eye shadows she's gained in the years since giving birth. "Jesus, my head. Are you as hungover as I am?"</p><p> </p><p>"Prob'ly. Hey, did you hook up with that freaky fish guy last night? I lost track of you after we left that weird trance circle." Amethyst is pulling on her shorts as she talks, but fixes a raised-eyebrow stare on Vidalia as she straightens up and joins her in the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>Vidalia blushes. "A lady never tells."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well you ain't no lady!" Amethyst digs her in the ribs. "C'mon, dish. Was he even speaking English?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't know, didn't care by the time he was done with me." Vidalia grins with her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth, in a way that can only be described as lewd. "Had to bundle him out before this little goober woke up and came running in. Think he had to get back to his boat or some sh - some stuff." Vidalia giggles as Sour Cream obliviously hugs her legs, ignorant of the adult nature of the conversation above.</p><p> </p><p>"Urgh, gross. Guys are gross anyways but having those weird fish hands all up in your business - yikes." Amethyst shudders, setting the kettle to boil. "Coffee?"</p><p> </p><p>"Please. Hey, SC - go play in your room a sec, yeah? Then we'll see about getting us all some breakfast."</p><p> </p><p>"Pancakes?" Sour Cream asks, hopefully.</p><p> </p><p>"We'll see..." Vidalia smiles, "... if I can stay standing long enough to grill them." The last part is tacked on in a moan as soon as Sour Cream is out of earshot, laying her head down on the counter. "God, Amethyst. I love him. I love him so much it hurts but he is so full on all the time, every day. Don't ever get pregnant."</p><p> </p><p>"Not gonna happen, bub," Amethyst scoffs as she spoons instant coffee into two mugs. "I'll make the pancakes if you need to go die in your room awhile."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, I kinda wanted to catch you anyway. Like, when we're sober." Vidalia lifts her head, rubs her bleary eyes, and then says bluntly, "You need to find an apartment."</p><p> </p><p>The kettle whistles its way to a boil and then flicks off behind them. Amethyst blinks quizzically at her. Her tongue feels furry and her head is throbbing and she isn't totally sure she heard Vidalia right.</p><p> </p><p>"Like - move out?"</p><p> </p><p>"Right." Vidalia pops her cheeks awkwardly, then goes to pick the kettle up - to avoid looking at her, Amethyst realises. This is a conversation Vidalia has been prepping for in her head.</p><p> </p><p>"But... I thought you said it was cool for me to live here?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Vidalia sighs. "Yeah, I absolutely did, and you're amazing but - honestly, Sour Cream takes so much energy and now he's running all over the place there's just not space for all of us. And I love you - you know I love you, I do!" Vidalia grabs Amethyst's hand as the purple-haired girl's face crumples. "I love you, but you're twenty-three. You graduated art school a year ago, you have a job, you've got your shit together way more than I did at your age - you deserve better than to be sleeping on a couch every night with Sour Cream staring at you when you wake up."</p><p> </p><p>"It's pretty creepy," Amethyst admits, forcing herself to laugh to hide how wet her lashes are all of a sudden. "I guess. I just - didn't think about moving on, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p><br/>
Vidalia smiles wryly as she starts pouring steaming water over the granules. "What, like we'd be in our forties and you'd still be on my couch?"</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, I just - I didn't think too hard about what was gonna come next." Amethyst swallows hard, fixes a smile to her face. Her hangover is getting worse. "But like, sure. I'll find somewhere. You good to help me look for a place?"</p><p> </p><p>"There's nothing round here," Vidalia sighs. "I remember looking when I had Sour Cream on the way. Fucking gentrification. I was lucky to get this place and damn lucky it was rent controlled. The closer you get to Empire the pricier it gets. But you can try out Keystone way - don't go anywhere near Ocean Town, the place should've stayed on fire. And don't believe a freaking word out of anyone who says Charm City lives up to the name."</p><p> </p><p>"Not really sellin' the whole 'find a new place to live' shizz to me, V, gotta say," quips Amethyst, taking her coffee and nursing the mug in two hands.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll be fine. There's a bunch of sites with ads for rentals and requests for roommates. We'll find you someone who's not a total freak."</p><p> </p><p>"But I've gotten so used to living with a total fre- ow! Hey! I thought we were meant to limit SC's exposure to violence?" Amethyst laughs, nearly spilling the coffee as Vidalia swats her with a dishcloth. Inside, though, she is panicking.</p><p> </p><p>So she laughs louder, smiles wider, pushes the panic to the corners of her mind as she sets to helping Vidalia whip up some pancakes.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ping. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pearl, curled up on a couch that suddenly feels far too big for her, blinks in surprise as the open window of her browser begins flashing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>New messages (1).</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She shakes herself out of her reverie and closes down her photo library, which she'd intended to organise but instead ended up staring at an old picture of her and Rose at graduation until her eyes stung, and clicks back onto the ad Lapis had posted for her the previous day. She has a response.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: yo. hi. my names Amethyst and I saw youre looking for a roommate.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Awful grammar. Pearl wrinkles her nose as she taps out a reply.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Hello. Yes, I have a newly vacant room in my apartment and need somebody to move in as soon as possible.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: its not like a crack den is it </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: I'm sorry?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: like mostly if u need some1 to move in asap its some kinda crack den</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pearl frowns at the screen, affronted. Still, she supposed there was nothing wrong with this Amethyst being cautious.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: I promise that the ad is not for a 'crack den'.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: sweet. youre Pearl rite??</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Pleased to make your acquaintance. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: omg yure so fancy. nice 2 meet u</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: pics look nice </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Thank you. Are you interested in the room?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: that $$ inc utilities or nah</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pearl grits her teeth, reminding herself not to be judgemental, that abbreviations and neologisms are a valid form of online interpersonal communications. Also that the next month's rent is due in two weeks and she really, really needs a roommate if she wants to keep this apartment - it's perfectly located for both her office job and her ballet studio, and the apartment is about the only thing she managed to salvage in her breakup with Rose. Her dignity certainly didn't make it out intact.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Utilities are included. We have no washer or dryer but the laundromat round the corner is adequate.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: sick</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: u interviewing or smthn</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: I need the room filled as soon as possible. If you're female, LGBT-friendly and can make rent, the room is yours.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: omg as if</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: this is perfect!!!1</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: imma send u my cell so we can sort this shit</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: shit i mean stuff</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: shit sorry </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pearl chuckles in the dark, thin face illuminated by the bluish light of her screen.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Don't worry, I didn't list 'no profanity' as a criterion.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: wha</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: tht mean ur good???</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: I'm good. Please send me your cell and I'll text you to coordinate move-in. I am sorry about the elevator situation.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: dude ur ad said queen bed ive been sleepin on a couch i dnt mind</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: Well, thank you for contacting me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: thank U new roommate ive never met. i hope ur not a murderer.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pearl considers her reply.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl_DeWitt: You're welcome. I hope you're not a murderer, either. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: LOL </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMEricanaaa: srsly thx tho ur helpin me out in a big way</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>The feeling's mutual</em>, thinks Pearl, as she taps out a thank-you-and-goodnight message before shutting her computer down.</p><p> </p><p>The apartment is eerily quiet with Rose gone, the only sounds the ticking of her clock, the low hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen and the faint chirring of her laptop fan as it powers down. It's too quiet. Makes her edgy. Makes her want to switch all the lights on before she goes to sleep and jam a chair against her bedroom door.</p><p> </p><p>She has no idea what to expect from this Amethyst, aside from her appalling misuse of English grammar, but it has to be better than double rent in a lonely apartment. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"So, your first interaction was through... email?" Sapphire enquires.</p><p> </p><p>"IM," Amethyst replies, then clarifies. "Instant message. I thought she was a total stuck-up square but Vidalia was kicking me out so she could, y'know - get fishy with Yellowtail."</p><p> </p><p>"You paint with words," winces Pearl, shaking her head.</p><p> </p><p>"You came across like kind of a persnickety snob," Amethyst barrels on. Sapphire coughs gently. </p><p> </p><p>"You came across like an illiterate mess," Pearl storms back. </p><p> </p><p>"Ladies," Sapphire intercedes. "We're getting off topic. So, Pearl. You had had the breakdown of your long term relationship with..."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl admires Sapphire's stellar separation of personal and professional, even as she feels her stomach twist at the thought of going over every uncomfortable detail. Sapphire knows her and Rose's story. She'd dropped Garnet off at the funeral. </p><p> </p><p>"Rose." The name hangs in the air like a spray of perfume, colouring the air, cloying. </p><p> </p><p>"So you were in a turbulent place, emotionally."</p><p> </p><p>"I was... going through a lot," she admits. </p><p> </p><p>"She was living on like, two cans of diet Drink Up and a handful of salad a day," Amethyst supplies, dryly, looking at Sapphire rather than Pearl as the latter squawks in annoyance. "She was a wreck."</p><p> </p><p>"You were living on a <em>couch</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Your girlfriend left you and moved into a <em>van</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Ladies," Sapphire smiles, conciliatory and smooth. Amethyst wonders if this is how Garnet learned to be so zen, if she could've been just as genuinely self-assured growing up with parents like Sapphire and Ruby. "So. You agreed to move in, by way of mutual convenience. I sense that you've always been quite different personalities - many of the strongest couples are."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl and Amethyst shoot each other a furtive, guilty look.</p><p> </p><p>"How old were you when you moved in, Amethyst?"</p><p> </p><p>"Twenty-three. We both were," Amethyst answers, clearing her throat a little. "Didn't start dating for like, a year and a half?"</p><p> </p><p>"Two years," Pearl corrects, primly. "You moved in in March and we didn't start dating until the June two years later."</p><p> </p><p>"You just <em>can't</em> help yourself, can you?" Amethyst sighs in exasperation, running her hands through her hair.</p><p> </p><p>"So," Sapphire cuts in neatly - not raising her voice a jot, but with a clarity to her tone that stops Pearl's biting comeback before it reaches her lips. She smiles placidly, body language open, indicating each of them with an open palm. "You're both twenty-three years old, young women starting out in your working lives. Both of you have been in difficult living situations, and find yourself with a new roommate who is very different to you."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst presses her lips together, nodding. Pearl, cheeks burning at feeling rebuked by Sapphire, inclines her head minutely.</p><p> </p><p>"So how did it work, those first two years? Take me back to how you learned to get along with one another then."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author Notes: Thank you so much for the comments on the first chapter. I plan on this being a long multichap spanning Pearl and Amethyst's relationship, showing how they arrived at the state they're in in the present day, but can't guarantee a regular update schedule just yet as school has been turned on its head from the pandemic.  Stay safe everyone and thank you for reading.</p><p>Pearl and Amethyst are 36 and 37 in the present day, and the present-day portions of the fic begin from April.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. i count sheep, i count heartbeats, the only thing that counts is that i don't sleep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl is tired, Vidalia is a gossip, and Amethyst has more in common with her roommate than she realises. In the present day, Sapphire comes up with a plan.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Ay-oh-ay! Good morning!”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl’s heavy eyes flicker over towards her new roommate as she bounces out of her room.</p><p> </p><p>“Looks like it’s gonna be a beautiful day, huh?” Amethyst beams, lacing her high tops. “S’up? You look kind of like shit.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl’s nostrils flare. “Thank you, Amethyst. I haven’t been sleeping especially well, lately.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. Bad times. Have you tried like, counting sheep or somethin’?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>For fuck’s sake, just let me eat my coffee in peace. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve tried a number of things,” she replies, tone clipped. “I’m a little stressed at the moment and my sleep is affected.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” says Amethyst slowly. “Hey, d'you wanna get breakfast? I’m headed out to the junkyard for a painting sesh.”</p><p> </p><p>“I have breakfast,” Pearl replies, lifting her mug of rapidly cooling black coffee.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s barely even a drink! I can’t believe you don’t have cream or sugar, black coffee is gross.” Amethyst makes a face. “Seriously, there’s a diner just across the street from my work that does all kinds of crap. I like the biscuits there but they do smoothies, seems like the kind of healthy junk you might like?”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, but no thank you,” Pearl gives Amethyst a tense little smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “I have to work today.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s Saturday.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s a corporate event on Monday and I need to go and finish collating the papers.” She would have had it finished yesterday if Holly Blue hadn’t called her for <em>another</em> impromptu meeting that could have been an email, which devolved into her complaining about how lazy the whole division is, which had ended up throwing off Pearl’s whole task list for the afternoon after she finally scurried back to her cubicle. Two hours of unpaid overtime last night and she wasn’t even halfway through.</p><p> </p><p>If any of her colleagues had offered to lend a hand she might have even left on time - no, that was wishful thinking, they didn’t even say goodbye to her as they left for happy hour. Pearl is practically invisible at work, unless someone needs something, in which case the onus is on her to drop everything and resolve the issue. </p><p> </p><p>She reminds herself that she is lucky to have this job. There are great progression opportunities and it's her responsibility to manage her diary and handle the workload she's given. She's just so tired. It feels like an insult that Amethyst was up later than her gaming and snacking (quesadillas, from the look of the kitchen) and is still this perky.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that blows. You gotta take a break sometimes, Pearl. You got your - “ Amethyst affects an upper-class accent and holds her arms aloft in a horrible imitation of high fifth “ - ballet classes this afternoon?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmhm. Teaching one, taking one,” Pearl answers, ignoring the jibe and taking a sip of her coffee. She hadn’t made the cut for the touring company after rolling her ankle senior year, but she had hustled and managed to get back up to standard for the B-team. If she’s lucky, she might one day get to understudy. For a minor part. Not quite what she spent two decades training for, but she still loves dance, loves the feel of total control and poise and every muscle in her body working <em>just</em> so as she pushes through the movements. She'd even managed to subsidise part of her class fees by teaching a primary class. So it’s worth it, even if it isn’t exactly a dream come true. </p><p> </p><p>She just hopes to God she doesn’t run into Rose - her amateur operatic society rents a room at the dance studio to practice, too. The last thing she wants is to run into her while she looks - as Amethyst eloquently pointed out - sub-par.</p><p> </p><p>“Sounds lame,” Amethyst replies, picking her teeth. “I’mma head. Sure I can’t tempt you for breakfast? I thought you needed carbs to exercise.”</p><p> </p><p>“Honestly, I’m fine. I need to catch the bus soon.” Pearl drains her coffee, forces another thin smile as she passes Amethyst on her way to the kitchen. She rinses her mug, sets it on the dishrack and heads back to her room. “Please excuse me.”</p><p> </p><p>She catches what sounds like “fine, fuckin’ be that way” muttered under Amethyst’s breath as she closes her bedroom door behind her. She groans, waiting for the slam of the front door before leaning back against the wood, sliding down, cool fingers over her aching eyes. <em>Fuck it</em>. She needs a minute. She can catch the next bus.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst’s move-in two weeks ago had been quick and relatively painless - she had few belongings and plans to thrift or dumpster dive for any furnishings she needed. Pearl had wanted to gag at the thought of dirt and mould and bedbugs, but suppressed it, not wanting to be rude to her new roommate.</p><p> </p><p>Her friend - Vidalia? What kind of a name even was that - had helped her lug her few boxes in and greeted Pearl warmly, assuring her that Amethyst was a ‘gem’. And it wasn’t as though Amethyst was a total disaster, or a psychopath, it was just... a lot to get used to, after living with Rose.</p><p> </p><p>For starters, there was the food situation. Pearl and Amethyst had agreed not to pool groceries and to keep their foodstuffs separate. However, Pearl’s clearly marked side of the refrigerator was being encroached upon by a number of takeout boxes with ‘Ame’ scrawled on them. Some of them, to Pearl's horror, already had a layer of mold, but Amethyst had been most annoyed when Pearl had tossed one especially florid specimen into the trash without asking first. </p><p> </p><p>Pearl is meticulous about food preparation areas being clean in a way that seemed unconscionable to Amethyst. She had - kindly, she thought - pointed out where the cleaning caddy was but Amethyst had almost hacked up a lung laughing at Pearl's colour-coded assortment of sponges for different areas. She'd actually asked what the oven cleaner was for. Pearl has to hope that her gentle post-it notes on the fridge about not leaving fried chicken bones on the plates in the sink will be taken on board... eventually.</p><p> </p><p>And for someone who lives exclusively on fast food and takeout and grease, Amethyst has an awful lot to say about her eating habits. She's busy. She doesn't always have time or energy to cook. Salads are an easy grab-and-go food, and she <em>needs</em> caffeine to power her through her work week and dance classes. She gets enough lean protein when she remembers to grill chicken or throw some cheese over her mixed leaves, and she certainly doesn't need Amethyst asking if 'that's it'.</p><p> </p><p>It reminds her, annoyingly, of Rose. Neither of them know what it's like to feel overexposed in a skin-tight leotard and have the eyes of everyone else in your class on you, watching you through your turns, every line and angle on display. Neither of them need to worry about that. Her diet is <em>fine</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Second, there had never been a hot water issue with Rose. Granted, Rose had often suggested they save water by showering together... Pearl mentally shakes herself to prevent that particular psychological wormhole opening up, returning her thoughts to the present and the bathroom issue.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl works eight-thirty to five-thirty, meaning she has to catch the bus no later than eight. Most days, she prefers to clock in early to show her dedication and hopefully prevent herself being shuffled out for another graduate as wide-eyed and hopeful as she had been when Agate Products had hired her. (She ignores the many jokes about her having a sleeping bag under her desk.)</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst works three early and three late shifts a week at the bar and grill, meaning that three days a week she competes with Pearl in the mornings for bathroom space. Pearl had tried to organise a schedule but Amethyst's shift patterns are unpredictable, and she had explained awkwardly that she only got her next week's rota on Saturdays so had barely any time to plan ahead as to when she'd be home. Pearl has no idea how she lives - the lack of routine and structure would have<em> killed</em> her.</p><p> </p><p>If Amethyst's early shifts are during weekends, Pearl has less trouble getting at the shower. But this last week, they all landed on weekdays, and Amethyst had beaten her into the bathroom, forcing her to deal with damp towels on the floor and a few paltry seconds of hot water before the spray turned freezing and had her squeaking in shock when the cold hit her naked body.</p><p> </p><p>She'd grown up with two sisters and never had to fight them for bathroom space (granted, they had had two bathrooms). She and Garnet had had predictable and complementary routines during college, so the realm of negotiating resources is a new territory for Pearl. Amethyst had seemed apologetic. The first few times. But when Pearl had confronted her this Thursday just past, shivering and dripping in her bath towel, Amethyst had merely shrugged, saying "You gotta get up earlier, P."</p><p> </p><p>She hadn't fallen asleep the previous night until past 4am. She wasn't exactly proud of the language she'd used as she stormed off to get dressed, but Amethyst was so - lackadaisical. She just doesn't seem to care at all.</p><p> </p><p>She checks her wristwatch. <em>Shit.</em> She can make the bus if she runs. She grabs her dance bag and her satchel as she tears out of the house, hoping that Amethyst will have at least cleaned up her dirty dishes by the time Pearl gets in later.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"She's a fucking nerd," Amethyst says sourly, daubing paint onto the canvas. "And can you stay still? It's impossible to paint you right when you keep squirming around."</p><p> </p><p>"I thought it was all fine," Vidalia sticks her tongue out at Amethyst before resuming her prone position on the bench. Working with Vidalia makes Amethyst understand why all those classical painters chose bowls of fruit for their still life drawings. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, like - she's not gonna try to wear my skin as a dress, kinda thing. But she's so bossy. And kinda rude. And always on at me about dumb shit."</p><p> </p><p>"Like the cleaning?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, like the - hey," Amethyst narrows her eyes. "Don't take her side. You don't even know this chick."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, but I know you," Vidalia returns. "I love you, babe, but you're a slob. And sounds like this girl is a real neat freak."</p><p> </p><p>"No wonder her last roommate bailed," mutters Amethyst, concentrating on an area of shadow by Vidalia's knee. The junkyard may be kind of sketchy - an old abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town, full of junk, reappropriated by local artists as a free workroom and local addicts as a place to score - but, providing you came with a buddy and your mace during daylight hours, it was a pretty neat place to paint. The ceiling has half collapsed, so there’s plenty of natural light to work in - sucks when it rains, though. She’s lost more than one canvas to a sudden thundershower when she’d forgotten to set up under cover. <br/><br/></p><p>"What's her name?"</p><p> </p><p>"Put your freaking phone down, V!"</p><p> </p><p>"I just wanna see if I can find her on Meebo," Vidalia says petulantly. "No point even getting a fancy cell if I can't do a bit of stalking in my best friend's honor."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst throws her hands in the air. "Shit like this is why Van Gogh cut his fucking ear off, I tell ya."</p><p> </p><p>"Name!" trills Vidalia, ignoring her. </p><p> </p><p>"Pearl DeWitt."</p><p> </p><p>Vidalia nearly drops her phone in shock, panicking as she fumbles the catch. Second only to Sour Cream, the phone - which cost her the better part of three months' disposable income - is the most important thing in her life. </p><p> </p><p>"You're kidding. <em>That's</em> your roommate?"</p><p> </p><p>"You know her?" Amethyst frowns. "She doesn't exactly seem like your kinda crowd."</p><p> </p><p>Vidalia busts out laughing. "Oh holy shit. Shit. Gotta text Greg."</p><p> </p><p>"What does the one-van band have to do with this?"</p><p> </p><p>"Y'know Greg's girlfriend?" Vidalia bounces on the heavily-graffitied bench, clearly delighted to have something to gossip about after having been sat still for almost two hours. "Giant hair, giant bazonkas, giant woman?"</p><p> </p><p>"I've seen her like once," Amethyst shrugs. "Seemed okay. I don't know Greg that well, just know he watches SC for you when we go out to party."</p><p> </p><p>"Right, so - Greg played a gig that old Farty Marty organised." Vidalia makes a retching noise and she and Amethyst both cross themselves. It's become a habit whenever Vidalia's ex - more babydaddy than an ex, considering he knocked her up and left without a word - is mentioned in passing. </p><p> </p><p>"Marty, as we know, was a douche, and barely did any promo. So Greg plays to empty seats but this chick Rose happened to be walking by and heard him playing, drifts over and is all 'Ooh, Mr. Universe'," giggles Vidalia. </p><p> </p><p>"Greg does know that's a garbage name for a musician, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"I doubt it. So, he and Rose hit it off, he gives her free merch, yadda yadda, standard Greg. Guy's kind of a chubby chaser. Good thing you're hella gay or he'd probably be checking you out."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna hurl if you ever joke about Greg and me again. Get to the fuckin' point," Amethyst says, joining Vidalia on the bench. She is curious about what her prissy roommate could possibly have in common with Vidalia's rocker friends. Maybe she has hidden depths. Or a tattoo. Hell, Pearl could even be secretly cool. </p><p> </p><p>"Right, so - this Rose is in an open relationship. So she says. She has this college girlfriend, and for a while she's dating both of them. Then the girlfriend catches them <em>in flagrante</em> - " Vidalia's eyes glimmer wickedly over the syllables, " - and has a total freakout. Like, screaming, crying, the works. Turns out Rose hadn't been as clear with the chick as she thought and Pearl didn't know the two of them were..." Vidalia spits on her palm, mashes her hands together to make an obscene squelching noise. "Y'know. Close."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't mean..."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, your roommate was the girlfriend. And Rose told her she wanted to date Greg, that she'd made it perfectly clear she wasn't monogamous - turns out loads of her friends over the years had been a bit more involved than Pearl would've liked? But she'd let it all go, until she ended up at the live show. Poor kid," Vidalia adds, not seeming at all sorry for the <em>schadenfreude</em> that Pearl and Rose's breakup has provided her.</p><p> </p><p>"Woah." Amethyst stares down at her paint-streaked hands. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. Heavy shit, right? Apparently Rose offered to date both of them - kinda like a poly thing - but Pearl wasn't having it. So Rose dumped her. She's shacked up in Greg's van now and keeps saying how freeing it is to not be giving money to tightwad landlords and how Tapestry Barn is a capitalist trap to diminish freedom of expression." Vidalia rolls her eyes. "Nice girl, but such a fucking hippy she makes me look straight-edge."</p><p> </p><p>"I had no idea." Amethyst has no clue how she'd be faring after what Pearl has been through. If Ame had walked in on some dude balls deep in her girlfriend she'd have started screaming and never stopped. Lesbian drama doesn't seem like Pearl's vibe <em>at all</em>. "Were her and Rose serious?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, talking about spending the future together once Rose won her war against fossil fuels or what-the-fuck-ever. Pearl was basically planning the wedding. Greg said she was some sheltered Catholic school kid 'til she met Rose in high school, fell so hard she followed her to college and everything. Her parents cut her off over it."</p><p> </p><p>"The hell do you know all this?"</p><p> </p><p>"I listen," Vidalia waves a hand with an infuriatingly mysterious air before she stops, bites her lip, and confesses. "Also, I smoked a bowl with Greg the other week and he spilled his guts over being a twenty-three year old homewrecker."</p><p> </p><p>"That's messed up," Amethyst says. She feels like an ass for bitching Pearl out earlier. </p><p> </p><p>"No doy. We gonna finish this painting or what? I've only got the sitter til four-thirty and much as I'd love to keep digging into your weird roommate's messy love life, I kinda need you to hurry up."</p><p> </p><p>"Gotcha." Amethyst crosses back to her easel as Vidalia reclines once more. "Turn your head a little more to the light... atta girl. Now fucking stay there or nobody gets a chalupa after."</p><p> </p><p>"And you say Pearl's bossy," mutters Vidalia, rolling her eyes, but she lies still. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Garnet, hi," Pearl breathes, half-jogging to get to the bus stop. "Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was working."</p><p> </p><p>"It's a weekend, Pearl. You should give yourself a break."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't start," she sighs. "I'm on my way to the studio. Do you happen to know if - "</p><p> </p><p>"You're about to ask me whether Rose will be there."</p><p> </p><p>"... I also called to catch up!" Pearl stammers. Garnet doesn't buy it, and she hears a low grunt of disapproval from the other end of the line.</p><p> </p><p>"Beach City Opera Club is on spring break at the moment. Are you heading straight there from the office?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mmhm," Pearl answers distractedly as she checks the timetable. Three minutes. She should still be early for her lesson. It wouldn't do to tell the kids off for being tardy if she herself was rushing in half-in and half-out of her practice clothes. </p><p> </p><p>"I hope you're remembering to eat, Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>"I am," she responds, a little too quickly, a little too high-pitched. The nervous, fluttery laugh that follows doesn't sound like her voice. "Don't worry, Garnet. I'm fine. I was going to ask if you wanted to come over later, I should be done at the studio by eight - we could watch a movie?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, Pearl. I'm meeting an old friend from high school tonight."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's heart sinks. She had been counting on Garnet - her best friend is such a stabilising force in her life, especially now, with her relationship in tatters and the roommate situation grating on her last nerve. Still, she supposes it's gauche of her to expect Garnet to be free whenever she needs her. She'll be fine. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, how wonderful!" Too bright, too loud. She can see the bus approaching way down the street. "I hope you have fun. I have to go, my bus is nearly here."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll catch you tomorrow, if you're free," Garnet says by way of goodbye. "I'm seeing my mums for lunch and am free all day after that. You look after yourself."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry about me!" She almost sings it, high and false and unconvincing. "Bye for now, give my love to your parents."</p><p> </p><p>The bus slows as she sticks out her left hand, stuffing her phone in her jacket pocket. No Garnet, then. She had been hoping for something to look forward to after her lessons. Still - she only had one class to teach and her own to get through, and then the evening was hers.</p><p> </p><p>Stepping onto the bus, Pearl wonders if she should text Amethyst, but she remembers the shorter girl's parting shot earlier and changes her mind.</p><p> </p><p>A quiet evening in could be just what she needed.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pearl is a resilient woman. She can handle noise. She can handle an unexpected guest in her home. She can handle mess. She <em>cannot</em> handle all three at once. </p><p> </p><p>“What the hell is going on?” she yells, striding over the threshhold to stare in unflattering disbelief at Peridot, Lapis and Garnet. The three of them are surrounded by what looks like the aftermath of a garbage bomb, clustered around a gaming system hooked up to the TV. Amethyst and Peridot have one controller each and are currently puppeteering what look to be wrestlers, their onscreen avatars grappling one another in a flurry of fists and pixelated droplets of blood. </p><p> </p><p>“Pearl!” Garnet waves. “You didn’t tell us Amethyst was your new roommate.”</p><p> </p><p>“I distinctly remember telling you her name. It isn't exactly common,” Pearl says through gritted teeth as she locks the door, looking in dismay at the mess of chip wrappers, soda cans, beer bottles and empty pizza boxes. <em>Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck, fuck, fuck.</em></p><p> </p><p>She is in a pig of a mood. Dance was hell: a roomful of distracted six-year-olds ignoring every instruction she gave, followed by a dropped working leg during a particularly tricky <em>jeté entrelacé</em> throwing her off-balance and earning her a derisive titter from half her group when she was called upon to demonstrate. She'd spent half of her class sulking by the barre, wishing it could be over so she could go home and get away from the pitying looks.</p><p> </p><p>She needed space. She needed to clear her head. She needed... whatever the opposite of this situation is. </p><p> </p><p>“Ame and I took Psych together in high school,” explains Garnet. “Beach City High. We went our separate ways at college but we used to hang out a lot, back in the day.”</p><p> </p><p>“I used to absolutely roast her over that accent,” guffaws Amethyst, as her wrestler lands a jump kick to Peridot's. The blonde growls and hunches over her controller, tapping frenetically to get her green-clad fighter back on his feet.</p><p> </p><p>“We went to the same art school,” Lapis chips in, smirking, from her perch on the arm of the couch. “She and I used to break into the art studios and pull all-nighters together when we were on the verge of failing a class. Small world?”</p><p> </p><p>“Minuscule,” Pearl answers, tersely. She stalks past them all to the kitchen, feeling blood rush to her head in anger as she finds not only Amethyst's dishes still festering in the sink, but the refrigerator door jammed open by a pizza box. If her salad is spoiled, she's going to bundle Amethyst and her collection of mold out with her own two hands.  “Peridot, did you by any chance go to school with Amethyst too?"</p><p> </p><p>“We were never educated together,” Peridot responds, eyes not moving from the screen as her thumbs fly around the controller. Onscreen, her character pummels Amethyst’s in a gory and physically impossible series of aerial punches.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, at least th- “</p><p> </p><p>“She and I met through the retro gaming club at the arcade. I was impressed by her improbably high score on Meat Beat Mania given her generally disengaged demeanour.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t mention that game,” warns Garnet. “I had an addiction. It got bad.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, G, you should totally come join us sometime!”</p><p> </p><p>“As I was saying,” says Peridot, nasally voice carrying across Amethyst's excited yelps and the electronic music piping from the ancient speaker system. “We met at the arcade at a student social event I was compelled to attend on an evening when Lapis was being especially... irascible. She initiated conversation. We exchanged telephone numbers. We have continued to interact since.” She slams a thumb down on three buttons at once and the announcer’s voice booms tinnily from the set “DESTROY HIM”.</p><p> </p><p>“I... well. That’s all fine. But what are you all doing here in my apartment?”</p><p> </p><p>“My apartment too, Pearly,” Amethyst is mashing buttons without looking at the screen, having seemingly accepted defeat, as she slides her head back in the beanbag chair to look at Pearl upside-down. Her smile is infuriating. “I invited them. Kinda like a housewarming party. I was gonna introduce them to you but seems like we all already know each other. Sweet, right?"</p><p> </p><p>“I did not give you permission to have a party.” <em>With </em>my <em>friends</em>, Pearl wants to add, childishly. Amethyst just laughs, as Peridot’s wrestler rips her avatar’s head from his grossly over-muscular shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I don’t need permish, dude. Come join us. We got pizza!”</p><p> </p><p>“With all the toppings,” adds Lapis, reaching for another slice. “We couldn’t decide so we covered all the bases.”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds revolting,” says Pearl haughtily. “I’m tired and I’m going to my room.”</p><p> </p><p>“Suit yourself!” calls Amethyst. “I’ll save you a slice!”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl slams the door in response.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Thud. Thud. Thump. Thud.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It's midnight. Pearl is exhausted but sleep is evasive, no thanks to the raucous party carrying on next door. She has tried everything from listening to whale songs to jamming her head under her pillow but the noise still permeates.</p><p> </p><p>They’ve swapped out Peridot's old-school wrestling game and are playing ‘Now Dance!’. From the sound of things, Garnet is winning by a wide margin, leaving Lapis and Amethyst fighting for second place.</p><p> </p><p><em>Thud. Thump. Crash.</em> "Shit!" Laughter. <em>Thud. </em></p><p> </p><p>Pearl has about had it. Tossing aside her comforter, sending a stuffed bear Rose got her for their first Valentine's careering through the air to land in a corner, she stomps across to her bedroom door. Setting her jaw, she throws the door open wide, dazzling herself in the bright light of the living room. She blinks groggily, shielding her eyes with her arm.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst and Lapis freeze, each holding a controller and frozen in an attitude that looks like they're waving invisible flags. Peridot tenses from the beanbag, but Garnet raises a hand in greeting. Onscreen, the sparkly outlines of the dancing avatars continue through the repetitive choreography, with a mournful <em>bloop</em> every time Amethyst and Lapis fail to move in time.</p><p> </p><p>"Howdy."</p><p> </p><p>“Would you mind <em>please</em> keeping it down,” she hisses. “I am <em>trying</em> to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>"Party-crasher," mutters Lapis. Amethyst gives her a bug-eyed warning look.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Pearl,” says Garnet. "I know it's late."</p><p> </p><p>“Shit, is that the time?” yelps Amethyst, looking at her phone. “I have to open tomorrow. You guys better get your asses home.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’re going,” Garnet smiles, already on her feet. “But first, we have to clean up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, guys, leave it - “</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t leave it,” Pearl glares. “It’s my apartment.”</p><p> </p><p>“My apartment too, my rules too,<em> I</em> say I’m not harshing the vibe by making my guests clean up,” Amethyst yawns. “Go on, guys, beat it. Lemme know when you’re home safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll walk these two home and then call a cab.” Garnet gives Amethyst a one armed hug, ruffles her lilac hair, then heads towards the doorway. As Peridot and Lapis gather up phones and jackets and shoes, she pauses near Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay?”</p><p> </p><p><em>No. No, I’m not.</em> “I’m fine, Garnet. Sorry for being a... party-crasher.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should join us next time. You’ll have fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just - “ Pearl sighs, dropping her voice, glancing past Garnet towards where Amethyst is loudly bickering with Peridot over whether a scratch on a disk existed before or after Amethyst was trusted to handle it. “I’m stressed. I’m tired. Amethyst is a lot.”</p><p> </p><p>“She means well. And she has her own issues. Give her a chance.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl grumbles unintelligibly. Garnet chuckles and extends her arms for a hug, which Pearl shuffles around the door to accept. She is acutely aware of how undressed she is in her camisole and shorts, but there’s no point being modest in front of Garnet now, after they shared a dorm room.</p><p> </p><p>“You can always talk to me,” Garnet whispers.</p><p> </p><p>“I know. Sorry I’m so...”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t apologise.” Garnet tips her chin up with a crooked finger. Behind her dark prescription glasses, Pearl knows she is surveying the damage - dark circles under red-rimmed eyes, a few zits here and there on sallow skin, limp stringy hair unwashed after practice. “You need to look after yourself. Don’t stress about Amethyst.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sighs. “I should head back to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Garnet squeezes her shoulders. “Go on then. Get some rest, Pearl.”</p><p> </p><p>Lying in her bed, she hears Lapis and Peridot finally gather their scattered possessions and make a none-too-subtle exit, calling a goodbye at her closed bedroom door. She hears Amethyst clattering around in the kitchen, and at one point a blast of R’nB which almost has her storming out again until Amethyst swears, muffles the stereo, then turns the volume right down until all that reaches Pearl’s room is a low hum.</p><p> </p><p>That was... considerate. Pearl tosses and turns to the ambient sounds of Amethyst likely making a late-night snack, until she eventually, mercifully, falls into a fitful doze.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP-</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Shit.” Pearl sits bolt upright, scrambling for her alarm. Ten after eight. She is going to be so late.</p><p> </p><p>Halfway to pulling on yesterday’s slacks and spritzing her hair one-handed with dry shampoo, she realises it is Sunday and the office is locked. Relief mingles with the receding wave of panic and, added to her harsh awakening after far too little sleep, almost pushes Pearl over the edge to tears.</p><p> </p><p>She kicks the slacks off to the floor, before feeling unsettled by the clutter and having to fold them onto her chair, annoyed and disoriented. She puts her pyjamas back on and lays back down, squeezing her eyes shut as though she can catch sleep by wishing herself tired.</p><p> </p><p>It’s no good. She’s wide awake and there’s no sense wasting her day off. Steeling herself for the carnage she knows is waiting in the kitchen and living room, she takes a few calming breaths and then opens her door.</p><p> </p><p>The room is spotless. Table wiped, cushions plumped, kitchen sparkling - even the overflowing trashcan has been dealt with. There’s a note written in purple marker on the countertop, which Pearl reads as she brews her coffee.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>“p</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>sorry bout last night. shoulda texted. check ref. hope u have a gd day off</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>a xox “</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Inspecting the fridge, she finds no box jamming the door open, but the final slice of everything pizza covered over on a plate. The napkin has a ‘P’ scribbled onto it in the same messy script and purple pen as the note.</p><p> </p><p>The pizza is disgusting, and ends up in the garbage after one bite, but the thought was kind. Pearl decides to take Garnet’s advice and join the party, next time.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Not exactly an auspicious start," murmurs Sapphire. "But Amethyst, it seems like you tried to make more of an effort to consider Pearl's feelings."</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno," Amethyst says, awkwardly swinging her legs. Sapphire's direct questioning makes her feel like she's a kid in the principal's office again. "I felt bad for her. Once I knew about all the Greg shi- stuff. I didn't wanna be like, a total asshole when she had all that going on. I know I can be kinda messy -"</p><p> </p><p>"Understatement of the century," Pearl interrupts, under her breath. Sapphire sets her eye on her instead. </p><p> </p><p>"And Pearl, it sounds as though you had an unhealthy work-life balance." Pearl blanches as Amethyst whistles, low and amused.</p><p> </p><p>"Called <em>out</em>, P."</p><p> </p><p>"I... yes." Pearl sees no point in lying. Isn't this what therapy is for? "I felt like I had to prove myself. I was scared of losing my job after being cut off by my family and... well, after Rose ended things, I felt like work and dance were all I had." She ducks away from Sapphire's penetrating stare, fiddles with a loose button on her cardigan. "Why even try if you're not aiming to excel?"</p><p> </p><p>"You're a perfectionist." It's a statement, not a question. Pearl's deer-in-the-headlights gaze would have been funny five minutes ago, but Amethyst feels a little bad for her. </p><p> </p><p>"I was raised that way."</p><p> </p><p>"It seems like you set a punishing standard for yourself and others and become upset when you perceive yourself as falling short," Sapphire says, gently. "Do you see yourself doing that in your marriage? Setting an impossible standard and feeling distressed when reality doesn't match an unrealistic goal?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl doesn't answer. Her knuckles are white, clutching the fabric around her midriff again. Amethyst sighs, takes the bait.</p><p> </p><p>"It feels like that for me. Like - I always kinda wondered what Pearl saw in me. I feel like I came out wrong," she says bitterly. "And she acts so perfect, it feels like - like I'm the weak link, like she's always disappointed in me. Like there's something I can't give her. At first I thought it was Rose, but then I realised that's just how she is."</p><p> </p><p>"And that makes you feel...?" It is such a clichéd therapy question that Amethyst laughs aloud before answering.</p><p> </p><p>"Small. Angry. Hurt." A pause, then, in a far smaller voice, "Unworthy."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst sees Pearl turn to look at her in her peripheral vision, but deliberately keeps her eyes on Sapphire. Bizarrely, she is still smiling - not condescending, but almost satisfied; as if she'd known exactly what they were going to say. </p><p> </p><p>"That must be difficult - for both of you," she nods. "I think you've made an excellent decision to seek some support to work through the issues in your marriage. Many couples are able to resolve their problems using the skills developed in therapy and ultimately avoid having to go to the courts."</p><p> </p><p>"You think we can fix this?" Amethyst blurts out. Sapphire holds her hands up in a passive, noncommittal gesture. </p><p> </p><p>"My role is to support you in talking through your problems and working towards being able to manage them together - to communicate better, to be more honest with each other, to work out where your relationship might have been reliant on bad habits and how you can build better ones," she replies, evenly. "I recommend ten sessions, once weekly. After that, you should be able to answer that question yourselves."</p><p> </p><p>She smiles again, blue eye twinkling. "But I think I've given you enough to think about this week. I'll see you back here the same time next Tuesday."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Amethyst drives them home. Pearl is sat as far away from Amethyst as she can in the front passenger seat. Her head is resting against the glass with her hand obscuring her thin face from Amethyst's view. Occasionally, she hears a tiny sniff.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey. Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm." A thin, watery sound.</p><p> </p><p>"That was kinda heavy, in there with Sapphire. Weird thinking about back then, y'know?" When her leading question gets her nowhere, Amethyst sighs, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. "You okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Please just drive," Pearl wipes her eyes without turning to look at her.</p><p> </p><p>So Amethyst drives. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. she's so high (high above me, she's so lovely)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Amethyst notices more than she lets on, Garnet gives sage advice, and Pearl is a cliché.</p><p>Content note: this chapter contains recreational drug use, implied disordered eating/ unhealthy relationships with food, and references to homophobia and familial abandonment. Proceed with caution if any of the above might make for difficult reading.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So," Sapphire asks, "how has the last week been for you two?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fine," they answer together. This is a lie, and Amethyst is sure Sapphire knows it, but her expression gives nothing away as she presses on.</p><p> </p><p>"Many couples find the first few sessions of relationship therapy particularly challenging. It can take a while for the connections between past actions and present patterns to become apparent. This process takes time, and it isn't easy." She smiles encouragingly. "The hardest part is booking the appointment when you accept you need support. You've both done very well to engage with therapy in the first place."</p><p> </p><p>If by 'engaging with therapy' she means "not saying a word to each other unless Opal is around", then sure, Amethyst thinks bitterly, they're fucking nailing it.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl?" Sapphire ventures. "I sensed at the end of last week's session you were struggling with some strong emotions around your own habits. Would you like to speak to that at all?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl suckles pensively on her lower lip. "It's... hard. I know I can be difficult. And when Amethyst first moved in I wasn't exactly doing what you might call 'coping well'." She throws her wife a shamefaced glance under her lashes. "She tried - she tries so hard. I never mean to be ungrateful. I've felt awful all week realising how my bizarre standards have made her feel."</p><p> </p><p>Now <em>that</em> has thrown Amethyst for a loop. She'd figured Pearl's brooding silent treatment was to punish her for backing her into a corner about attending therapy with Sapphire in the first place. </p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst, how does hearing that make you feel?"</p><p> </p><p>"...Kinda good, kinda bad," she admits, pushing her bangs out of her eyes as she looks from Sapphire to Pearl. "She does this thing where she like - feels bad and then goes in a guilt spiral and I have to make her feel better even when I'm the one who got hurt, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes it can be hard to navigate feelings of guilt or responsibility while remaining accountable for our own actions."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, and I get it but... man, it sucks," Amethyst sighs. "I just wanna talk stuff out without her crying or yelling."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't - " Pearl starts, but Amethyst catches her eye. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't, like, help. I feel like I need to say everything all at once or I'm gonna explode. But she gets offended and it goes from zero to one hundred and suddenly we're fighting rather than talking."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl closes her mouth as if conceding. Sapphire nods approvingly.</p><p> </p><p>"So, we were discussing the beginning of your relationship. You were roommates, and by coincidence it transpired that you shared several mutual friends." Sapphire doesn't bat an eye at the reference to her daughter. Amethyst wonders how weird it must be for her, hearing all this stuff, knowing Garnet was so enmeshed in it. If it is weird, her face betrays nothing. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, turns out Pearl knew Lapis from dance - before she quit for the swim team - and Peri from college. It was kind of freaky," Amethyst shrugs. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's pick up where we left off and start to look at the foundations upon which your relationship was built. How did you go from just being incidental roommates to becoming friends?"</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Amethyst can hear Pearl crying in her room <em>again</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Look, she isn't heartless. She gets it. Pearl's break-up sounds seriously shitty, but the goddamn crying is relentless. Amethyst thinks Pearl has a nerve complaining about her music, or her coming home late and making a racket, when she can hear her blubbering in her room any time she's not at work or dance practice. </p><p> </p><p>It gets to her. She hates crying, remembers how much Jasper hated crying too and how hard she always worked to never, <em>ever</em> start snivelling in front of her big sister. She has no idea how Pearl manages to cry <em>so</em> much. Surely she'd dry up eventually or her tear ducts would run out or something. She wonders if there's a world record for number of tears shed over a girl, and how close her roommate is to breaking it. </p><p> </p><p>It's not as though she hasn't tried to be nice. They've moved past passive-aggressive notes on the fridge to Amethyst grudgingly keeping the kitchen if not clean, then orderly. Pearl, for her part, has dialled back some on the snippy comments and superior little smirks. They've even managed a couple of civil, if brief, conversations when they've crossed paths and not been running out the door to work.</p><p> </p><p>She likes Pearl - kind of, insofar as she can like a roommate she barely knows - and she can't help wondering how she even functions. She's barely sleeping, as Amethyst knows from the light shining from under her door, or the late-night pacing she sometimes hears when Pearl thinks she's out for the count. Amethyst has lived here six weeks and seen Pearl eat something other than sad salads or apple slices <em>twice</em>. She gets killer headaches if she doesn't get enough caffeine, but shakes like she's plugged into something once she's downed another black coffee or Drink Up.</p><p> </p><p>And then three days ago, Rose and Greg plastered their now-'official' relationship on Meebo (Amethyst wonders, dimly, how the inherently conformist agenda of mainstream social media marries with Rose's free-spirit Earth-mother schtick). Pearl had, obviously, seen it. And the 119 people who'd 'liked' it. And thus the circle of crying had begun.</p><p> </p><p>As the credits roll on one episode of Li'l Butler and the commercial break begins, Amethyst decides enough is enough. Preparing to have her head bitten off, she gets up, stretching and yawning, and goes to tap on Pearl's door.</p><p> </p><p>There's a sudden lull in the sobbing, and Amethyst hears a little yelp.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl. C'mon out. I can hear you cryin' in there."</p><p> </p><p>Silence. Amethyst feels like a dumbass for trying, until, slowly, Pearl opens her bedroom door.</p><p> </p><p>Christ. Pearl is a hot mess. Not even that - a <em>tepid</em> mess. She's even thinner than she was when Amethyst first moved in, collarbone and ribs visible in the off-the-shoulder t-shirt she's thrown on over her sports bra and shorts. She looks birdlike and breakable, and it makes Amethyst feel a little bit queasy. Her eyes are pink and bloodshot, and her nose is red, skin chapped around the nostrils. The pristine makeup she usually has on for work has been pretty well sluiced off by her tears, and her bottom lip is quivering. She looks terrified, as if Ame is about to yell at her. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm s-sorry for bothering you," she whispers hoarsely. "I'll be quieter..."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, you have no idea how fucked up that sounds," Amethyst winces. "You're clearly feelin' shitty, I don't like... know you well, or whatever, but I'm not some kind of monster who's gonna just leave you in here having a nervous breakdown."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's blue eyes are huge and bewildered. "I don't - "</p><p> </p><p>"You can stay in here and be fuckin' miserable on your own or you can come out and be miserable hanging with me. C'mon." She tries a smile. "I'm watching Li'l Butler."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl seems to consider it. "I... okay," she says, in a tiny, apologetic voice. Her hands are shaking. "I need to shower."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is inclined to agree, looking at Pearl's mascara-streaked face and greasy bird's nest of hair. She fist-pumps and beams at Pearl. "Thatta girl. Go get squeaky clean and then we can hang. I got paid yesterday and was thinkin' maybe takeout?"</p><p> </p><p>She didn't need her high school Psychology class to notice how Pearl's eyes, impossibly, widen further the second she mentions food. "Oh, no, I couldn't - "</p><p> </p><p>"I'mma get real with you. You look sick. Starving yourself isn't gonna win Rose back. So, if you don't want me to text Garnet and rat you out for barely eating, you're gonna say 'thank you, Amethyst' when I offer to buy us dinner. Let's try again - I'm thinkin' takeout tonight."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, Amethyst," Pearl mumbles, eyes filling as she studies her own toes. Amethyst wants to scream. But hey, a victory is a victory.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank <em>you,</em> Pearl. I'll get out of your face now so you can shower. You can use my shower gel if you wanna, it's lavender. Nice and soothing."</p><p> </p><p>Even though a tear drops onto the tatty carpet beneath them before the door closes, Amethyst swears she sees Pearl smile.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She makes herself scarce while Pearl is in and out of the bathroom, figuring it's a smart move not to crowd her after basically ambushing her and strong-arming her into having dinner together. She keeps her promise not to tattle on Pearl and her non-existent appetite, but she texts Garnet anyway, feeling a little like she's flying blind. This is more interaction than she's ever had with Pearl and she has to admit it makes her a little nervous.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>GG baby whats new </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Amethyst, great to hear from you :) How are you?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>all g in the h </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>pearls real sad about rose huh </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What's happened?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>shes just cryin all over the place no big</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>I'm coming over</em>.</p><p>Oh, jeez. Amethyst's thumbs skate over her keypad as she races to stop Garnet busting into the apartment and holding an intervention or some shit.</p><p><em>chill</em> ga<em>rnet, shes gettin a shower then were gonna get takeout</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm impressed. She's warming up to you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>kinda jumped her when she ws mopin around </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i dno what to say 2 her now tho</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>shes all prissy princessy n im like not at all ykno</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl is going through some stuff right now. But I lived with her first two years of college until she moved in with Rose off-campus. She's fun once you get to know her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>ur nt gonna tell me she was a party grl</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Nah, Pearl didn't drink until she turned 21. But she's great once you get her to relax. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Hmmm. 'Get her to relax'. Amethyst smirks. She can work with that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Promise me you'll let me know if she's doing anything dangerous.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>wtf g shes not gonna jump off a damn building over rose is she????</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No, but Pearl is not the best at knowing when to stop pushing herself. She gets in her own head and then she overcompensates. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst winces. Well, that's a vibe she can relate to. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>chill g i promise</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>imma keep an eye on her </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don't expect you to babysit her. She's an adult. But if she becomes too single-minded, you know what to do.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>yh i gotcha</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>thx for the advice G</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You're welcome. Still on for the arcade next Sunday?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>u betcha :D xoxoxoxox</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst smiles as she tosses her phone on her bed.</p><p> </p><p>Get Pearl to relax - can-do. She's got this. She and her good friend, Mary Jane.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst opens her closet, takes out an old Luchamania lunchbox, and grins down at the scratched-up face of the Purple Puma on the lid.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, my dude," she whispers, opening it up and taking a deep inhale. "I don't think it's gonna be your kind of night."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Pearl feels antsy as she scrubs herself all over in the shower. Honestly, it was ridiculous. She didn't need her roommate checking up on her. Although it was, she admits to herself, lathering lavender-scented bubbles over the peak and trough of her hipbone, kind of <em>nice</em> to have someone other than Garnet checking up on her. </p><p> </p><p>She hasn't forgiven her sister for being one of the 119 people to 'like' Rose's new... relationship status. She reminds herself to be deliberately unsympathetic the next time she rings to bitch about her boss or their mother. She hadn't even texted her after she let her and Vi know about the breakup. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing, she switches off the water and goes through the rigmarole of drying and dressing. She hasn't been able to face laundry in a week and the pile is building up, so she pulls on the same faded college dance team t-shirt she'd worn earlier - she'd cut away at the neckline to make it an off-shoulder after Rose once said she loved Pearl's clavicle. She does, however, put on clean underwear and pyjama pants. She's depressed, not disgusting.</p><p> </p><p>She runs a comb through her wet hair, not bothering with styling or makeup, feeling more than a little trepidation at the prospect of eating. And Amethyst. And eating with Amethyst. Maybe she could pretend to have a stomach upset? Thinking ruefully of the deal Amethyst forced her into earlier, she sighs, resigning herself to an evening being pitied and scrutinised by her roommate.</p><p> </p><p>All thoughts of food anxiety fly out the window when she reenters the front room and finds Amethyst lounging on the couch, holding a joint. </p><p> </p><p>"What," she begins, "the <em>fuck</em> do you think you're doing?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst blinks at her. "Um... lighting up. What does it look like?"</p><p> </p><p>"Are those - is that - " Pearl stutters, insensible with rage. "That is illegal."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst looks wary now. "Shit, Pearl, don't call the cops or anything crazy like that. It's just a bit of grass."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl waves her hands wildly. "That isn't the point. Amethyst, what if the neighbours call the police on us?" she hisses.</p><p> </p><p>"I opened a window," Amethyst jerks a thumb toward the double hung window, bottom panel pulled right up. "Seriously, I'm sorry. I can like - not. I just..."</p><p> </p><p>"Just what?!"</p><p> </p><p>"I just wanted to help you chill out a bit," mumbles Amethyst. "Clearly this was the wrong way. But you're not eatin' and you're not sleeping and this is, y'know... good for both those things." She sighs. "I should'a scoped it out better. My bad."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl stares at her. "You thought... the solution to my heartbreak was illicit substances."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst raises an eyebrow. "Has working yourself to death and crying all the fuckin' time been solving much for you, Peach?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't... call me Peach," Pearl manages, head in her hands. "Amethyst - really, this was... very sweet. In a very weird way."</p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome," Amethyst brightens.</p><p> </p><p>"No, don't smile. I'm not happy. About the..." Pearl drops her voice as if she expects police to rappel from the ceiling at any moment. "...<em>drugs</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"What, you never get high?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl bristles. Her incredulous tone reminds her of Greg. "I have... dabbled." </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst's brown eyes are dinnerplate-wide. "Woah, Pearl! Never knew you were secretly a rebel under the tutu."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not a habit," Pearl stutters. "I have - tried it. Once or twice. With a... " She falls short of the word 'friend'. Rose isn't her friend. Greg certainly isn't her friend. Blunt honest wins. "With my ex. And the guy she left me for. They persuaded me to try it."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst grimaces. "Sounds like a fun party."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't enjoy it," Pearl continues, slowly. "I felt like I had to do it to prove I wasn't as uptight as Greg always said I was." At this, she sees Amethyst frown.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, that's shitty," she says plainly. "This stuff is meant to chill you out, if you've been like - peer pressured into it, you're always gonna feel like ass no matter how good the bud is. Sorry you had to go through that."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl had expected teasing, not sympathy. "I - it's fine. Thank you." She feels wrong-footed, and angry at Rose, and angry at Greg, and a little bit silly for her histrionics when Amethyst is dangling the blunt so casually between her plump fingers. Her nails, Pearl notices, are painted purple to match her hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, shit. I feel really bad for springing this on you now," grumbles Amethyst. "Bad enough Rose made you miserable and now she's ruinin' my fun too."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl swallows. <em>Dare she</em>? "Actually... I - God, I can't believe I'm saying this. I would like to partake."</p><p> </p><p>"Ya what?" Amethyst asks, puzzled.</p><p> </p><p>"I am saying that... as I am in my own home, without any pressure to participate, I am choosing to partake. With you. In moderation. In the..." She drops her voice again, glancing nervously around, "...<em>marijuana.</em>"</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"I feel it's important to stress at this point that I was twenty-three and going through a lot at that stage of my life, and nowadays medical marijuana is legal in this state upon provision of a written certificate from a physician - " Pearl rambles, cheeks blazing. Amethyst hoots with laughter.</p><p> </p><p>"You broke so easy. I wasn't even gonna try and talk you round. Bad Girl Pearl was just <em>dying</em> to come out."</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up and tell the story," Pearl says crossly, folding her arms. Sapphire raises an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, do continue, Amethyst."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You're actually game?" Amethyst asks, expression changing from guilt to joy. "I swear, you don't have to, but it's not strong - I kinda guessed you'd be a lightweight with how tiny you are - and it's good shit. Melon Haze. Lapis knows a guy."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl makes a mental note to grill Lapis about this snippet of information at a later juncture. "And I won't... pass out?"</p><p> </p><p>"Why, d'you white out last time?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl says slowly, as she moves to the sofa. Amethyst tucks her feet up so they can both sit down. "I'd been drinking. I felt sick."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, don't mix liquor and ganja. Not cool of whoever let you do that," Amethyst shakes her head gravely. "Don't worry, P, I'll look after you. Like you said - moderation. Anyway, our upstairs neighbours are high all the damn time, nobody's gonna rat us out."</p><p> </p><p>"They are?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, you are precious." Amethyst sets the unlit joint down in what looks like a homemade ashtray. "Do you really think that smell is incense?"</p><p> </p><p>"I..." Pearl blushes. "Are we doing this or not?"</p><p> </p><p>"Easy there, Reefer Madness. Let's order takeout before we settle in. Your pick," Amethyst smiles, handing Pearl a fistful of takeout flyers. She has freckles across her snub nose and what looks like a healed-over piercing on the lower right of her bottom lip. Pearl hadn't noticed before.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl dithers, leafing through the glossy menus, mentally scrolling through the 'safe' options. Sauces, rice and cheese are out, but stir fries, veg and proteins should be manageable - providing she keeps careful track of every mouthful.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you okay with Thai?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sounds great," Amethyst says, grabbing the menu and her cell. "Let's order and then get comfy. I've got Christmas lights in my room for that extra li'l bit of <em>ambience</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl smiles nervously as she watches Amethyst deliberate over her order, tracing down the menu with her forefinger.</p><p> </p><p><em>Comfy</em>. She can say no, or tap out, or get up and go to bed, any time she wants. And it feels nice, doing something <em>bad</em>, not to try to impress Rose or make a point to Greg but just - because she can. Because <em>she</em> wants to. And she feels safe with Amethyst here, clearly knowing what she's doing, being so <em>kind</em> to her. She certainly doesn't seem like she's going to try to get Pearl in a mess or video her or anything else awful. It could even be... fun. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst realises, as she hands over the menu and reaches for her lighter, that Pearl hasn't cried in a whole half hour. And they aren't even high yet. </p><p> </p><p><em>"She's great if you can get her to relax". </em>Mission accomplished, she thinks with relish, as she takes a long, slow drag and turns her eyes back to the current on-screen hi-jinks between the Richington's poodle, Li'l Butler, and Dog Money.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Do you ever wonder what space feels like?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst giggles. "You are such a freaking stoner stereotype."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl turns her neck, the stretch slow and delicious, to smile at Amethyst from where she has sunk into the beanbag. The joint glows in her thin fingers, the only light in the room aside from the gently twinkling string lights strewn over the back of the couch and the TV. They'd set it to a radio channel and left the volume down low once the Li'l Butler marathon finished, some two hours ago. Amethyst had reminded Pearl she could go to bed whenever but Pearl, to her and Amethyst's amazement, had stayed up. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm serious," Pearl giggles, as she takes another hit, holds the sweet smoke in her lungs, then exhales long and slow. "Like... I used to dream about going to space. I wanted to be an astronaut. I thought it must be so sparkly and pretty up there with the stars, but my teacher explained space was a freezing vacuum and it just... didn't seem the same after that." </p><p> </p><p>This is good weed. She doesn't have to know anything about strains and hybrids and cannabinoids to know this was good weed. Unlike the sick, hot, shaky feeling she'd had when a joint was passed between her, Rose and Greg; she feels... good. Floaty and soft and so relaxed you could pour her into a bowl and drink her. </p><p> </p><p>“Yo, space cadet.” Amethyst’s voice sounds weirdly far away, considering she’s barely two feet from Pearl. “It’s ‘puff, puff, pass’, not ‘puff, puff, zone the fuck out’.”</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't realize she's been gently petting her own hair until she flicks a strand into her own eyes. She joins Amethyst in her fit of giggles as she stretches up to pass the joint back to Amethyst, lying on her belly on the couch. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, dude."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't mention it," she sighs. She feels full and sated in a way she hasn't in a long time. (Tomorrow she will freak out at how much she's eaten, she knows, but that is a problem for Sunday morning Pearl to deal with.) "You doing okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fuckin' A, man," Amethyst smiles, eyes soft and unfocused. Pearl smiles. </p><p> </p><p>"Your nose is like a mushroom," she says, softly. Amethyst blinks, nearly spluttering on the long inhale she'd been in the middle of. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" she shrieks, laughing as she flicks a stray bit of egg rice at Pearl. Pearl squeals, blushing.</p><p> </p><p>"I meant - a button. Button mushroom. You have a button mushroom nose," she garbles. Amethyst is laughing like a maniac, rolling around on the couch, joint held safely aloft.</p><p> </p><p>"You're a riot, P. I knew you'd be hilarious once you mellowed the fuck out a little," she manages eventually, wiping her eyes. "Whew. Think that's enough for now. You've got mad red-eye."</p><p> </p><p>"Least it isn't pink eye," Pearl giggles. "Amethyst... seriously. Thank you. I know I've been a bit... off. It must have been weird for you to move in with me like this."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst shrugs as she docks the end of the joint into the ashtray Vidalia made her as a graduation present. "Everyone's like, got their shit. I just couldn't leave you cryin' on your own in there another night, right?" She stares earnestly at Pearl. "And... I barely know you but it don't seem like Rose treated you great. It's fucked up. I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl hums, feeling the vibration as a pleasant warmth in her chest. "It is kind of fucked up."</p><p> </p><p>"I only know about it through a friend of a friend who knows Greg," Amethyst rambles, careful even in her hazy state to protect Vidalia's identity. She can't have her most reliable source of gossip compromised. "It sounds like a nightmare. I'd be cryin' too, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's not think about that right now," Pearl murmurs, closing her eyes, swaying very slightly to the beat of the pop ballad piping from the TV. "Too comfy. Talk about anything else."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst flips herself onto her side, looking at Pearl illuminated in the candyshop pinks and blues and golds of her Christmas lights. "I dunno where to start," she admits. "I don't know shit about you, really, other than like... you work for Agate Products. You dance. Your ex is called Rose and your best friend is Garnet."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl smiles without opening her eyes. "That's some stuff."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. Let's ask each other questions," Amethyst says decisively, reaching for a prawn cracker. She isn't hungry, she just wants one really bad right now. "Nothing like... super personal. Just - I don't know. Stuff."</p><p> </p><p>"What kind of stuff?" Pearl asks, then frowns. "Stuff. Stuff is such a weird word. All words are so weird if you keep saying them, aren't they...?"</p><p> </p><p>God, she's such a cliché. It's weirdly endearing, seeing her brilliant brain unspooling like a big fuzzy ball of wool. "Where'd you go to school?"</p><p> </p><p>"Empire Academy then Delmarva U. Engineering and robotics. You?"</p><p> </p><p>"Beach City HS, then Beach City College of Art," Amethyst smiles. "Never left state. Your turn."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you... have any siblings?"</p><p> </p><p>"One sister, Jasper. Five years older and like, two foot taller." Amethyst is always sore about that. It got especially bad after she came out in high school - they didn't share a last name, plus she'd been a snotnosed junior highschooler when Jasper left, but the girls she'd heard whispering <em>Jasper Rosa can oil me up and throw me on a mat anytime</em> always reacted with total shock that she could possibly be a relation, let alone a sibling. "We've got a bunch of cousins who are kind of like sisters, though. I look more like some of them than I do Jas. You?"</p><p> </p><p>"Two sisters." Pearl finally opens her eyes, blinks slowly, eyes unfocussed, then reaches up and starts braiding a few strands of her drying hair. "Twins. Xanthe and Violet. Two years younger than me."</p><p> </p><p>"Your family really like fancy names, huh?" Amethyst teases. "Li'l Butler's mansion must've looked like a shack to you."</p><p> </p><p>"Your name is Amethyst," Pearl retaliates, without venom.</p><p> </p><p>"My mom was super into crystal healing... I think," she mutters. They've never really talked about her mom much. Pearl frowns, then her eyes widen in panic.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm so sorry - I didn't realise your mom was..."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, she ain't dead, just dead to me. Ran out on us when I was like seven. Liked a drink more than she liked her kids." Amethyst shoves another prawn cracker into her mouth against the weird empty feeling she always gets when she thinks about her mom, glad to have an excuse to stop talking. </p><p> </p><p>"Families are... hard," Pearl offers, looking awkward. She seems to be struggling with the braid, all fingers and thumbs, and has to keep going back to restart. It's cute seeing her all discombobulated. </p><p> </p><p>"You speakin' from experience?" Amethyst chances her luck. Pearl hums in a non-committal sort of way, focussed intently on laying one strand of hair over another in the dim light. Eventually she finds her rhythm, and seems to have forgotten the question until she glances at Amethyst, blinks, and blushes a little. </p><p> </p><p>"I... had a lot of pressure on me. I've always been reminded that my sisters are superior to me in every conceivable way despite being younger," she says. It seems to take effort. Amethyst can't tell if it's the subject matter or just the fact that they are both high as fuck. "I was raised Catholic. As in - strict, fire and brimstone, leave-space-for-Jesus, pray-and-confess Catholic. It was hard. Even when I was still young enough to say all the right words. I knew I didn’t fit in. I spent years wishing someone could just... rescue me."</p><p> </p><p>She laughs at herself, a little hollowly. "That sounds ridiculous. I was basically spoiled. But I wanted to be myself - to be free. Mother didn't like that. When I refused to stay at home for college and started trying to... assert myself, she said I was a poisonous influence. She threw me out." She swallows hard and returns her gaze to the half finished braid. "I was seventeen."</p><p> </p><p>"Shit. I had no idea." Vidalia had said Pearl's folks cut her off but, like, <em>damn</em>. Seventeen is brutal. "What d'you do then?"</p><p> </p><p>"I moved in with Rose," Pearl smiles sadly. "Applied for scholarships, graduated as valedictorian, went to college with her. I knew if I failed, if I slacked off, I'd end up back there. And well... you know the rest."</p><p> </p><p>"Your sisters ever make it out?"</p><p> </p><p>"They played the game much better than I did," Pearl murmurs, concentrating hard as she twists, tucks, twists, tucks, loses her grasp, goes back to the beginning. "They stayed quiet. I guess I was a good example for them in the end... I showed them what happened if they weren't careful." </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst feels awful for Pearl. Until now, even with Vidalia's sleuthing, she'd assumed Pearl had it easy. "D'you... talk to them?" </p><p> </p><p>"I made contact once they were both in college. Violet is very sweet. Xanthe..." Pearl sighs, lets go of her hair, giving the braid up for a bad job. "It's harder. I think she resents me. I got cut off, but I got out. She used to want to run a TV show with Violet," she chuckles. "Now she's majoring in Economics. Vi's a Psych major. They both had to stay at home, didn't even get to choose what they studied. Mother wasn't taking any chances with them. I feel... bad."</p><p> </p><p>They lapse into a silence that Amethyst realises is, at last, comfortable. Or maybe it's the weed. She sits up, slow and steady, taking a long breath in. The room is fuzzy-edged. She pats the imprint of her side on the couch, startling Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"C'mere if you want a braid."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl hesitates for a moment, before getting to her feet and taking wobbly steps to the couch. She starts giggling as she almost trips over an empty takeout box. "Whoops."</p><p> </p><p>"Careful, P. There. Now, no squirmin'," Amethyst warns, as Pearl settles cross-legged opposite her. She sounds like Jasper, back when Jasper tried to act like a mom and would bellyache at her over eating vegetables and help with her homework and try to braid her hair. </p><p> </p><p>Pearl's breath is warm against her wrists as she separates out her forelock into three strands, quick and deft. She'd thought Pearl's hair might be dyed at first, but it's too soft for a bleach job. It feels like spun silk against her fingers and smells slightly of apple shampoo. </p><p> </p><p>She sits up on her knees, starting to work backward from the front of Pearl's head where her bangs start, sweeping the top her reddish-blonde long bob into the braid. </p><p> </p><p>"That feels <em>nice</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm." Amethyst tries to coax the shorter strands by Pearl's ears up high enough to braid - fails, gives up, carries on working with the top layers. Pearl gives a little contented sigh that Amethyst can’t help but think is kind of adorable. </p><p> </p><p>"I've never had anyone other than Garnet play with my hair."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst laughs, smoothing a few baby hairs out of her way. "I'll tell her not to get jealous, no sweat."</p><p> </p><p>"Are we... friends?" Pearl asks, out of nowhere. Her eyes are red-rimmed, not from crying now, but from the high. Beneath them, though, she's smiling. Amethyst smiles back easily, pinching the end of the half-finished braid.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, sure, you dweeb. We're friends. Now turn your head right."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. keep denying, begging for attention, dropping hints, hoping for some tension</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Seasons change, boundaries shift, and Amethyst and Pearl each make up their mind to be selfless. In the present, Sapphire gets personal.</p><p>Content note: this chapter contains references to disordered eating.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How does it make you feel, Amethyst," Sapphire asks, "that your relationship with Pearl was initially built on you supporting her after her break-up with Rose?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl shifts uncomfortably in her chair as Amethyst considers her answer. </p><p> </p><p>"I... it used to feel gross. I felt a bit like a replacement goldfish for a little while," Amethyst says, thoughtfully. "But then - Pearl always told me she loved me because I was different to Rose." She shoots Pearl an awkward look. She's loathe to speak ill of the dead, but Rose is in the ground and they're the ones dealing with the emotional fallout, all these years later.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know her super well but she struck me as kind of pretentious - always frontin', y'know? And people fell for it. Pearl, Greg - people got sucked in. Pearl used to say it was refreshing that I was just - raw, no filter, said whatever popped into my head." She laughs without humour as Pearl stares sadly at her own knees. "She used to like that about me, anyway."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl - how about you?" Sapphire speaks gently, clearly aware that this is a thorny topic. "How does it feel thinking back on how your relationship with Amethyst began?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sad," she says, almost instantly. "She was so kind. I was so miserable and difficult to be around and she just kept... being there. Even when I didn't want her to be and gave her no compelling reason to keep coming back, she was - there for me." Her lips quirk up in a sorrowful smile. "And I did really appreciate it. She was honest. Always brutally honest. I think I needed that."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I wasn't gonna lie to you," Amethyst responds, softly. Pearl looks over and finds Amethyst holding her gaze - direct, but not unkind. "I was kinda worried for a while. I wanted you to lighten up and like, get some sleep and eat a decent meal and know someone gave a damn, even after Rose."</p><p> </p><p>"Did Pearl look out for you in the same way as you did for her?" asks Sapphire. Amethyst nods as Pearl begins to speak. </p><p> </p><p>"I could've done more - "</p><p> </p><p>"Quit beating yourself up. You were mad overworked and still kind of in bits over Rose, I wasn't like - giving to receive, or any crap like that." She smiles slightly as her mind wanders back down memory lane, along the path they're rapidly carving under Sapphire's benevolent guidance. "She used to - throw a blanket over me and leave out water and painkillers if I came back late from partying and crashed on the couch. Even if she had to work next day, she kept the squawking to a minimum."</p><p> </p><p>"I did not squawk," frowns Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"You're a squawker, P. Anywho - she started like, eating proper meals because I got worried about her runnin' on fumes. She freakin' hated it for the longest time and I knew she did it for me so I wasn't worryin' every damn hour of the day that she was gonna collapse. It was kind of sweet." </p><p> </p><p>Sapphire looks to Pearl next. "Did you ever receive professional help for your issues around food?"</p><p> </p><p>"...Years later," admits Pearl, in a tiny voice. Concern is writ large into every crease of Amethyst's face as she watches Pearl shrink into herself, chin to chest.</p><p> </p><p>"P, we've been over this. You gotta be ready to deal with shit like that. You were, like, conditioned into all that crap. It wasn't your fault." She pauses, then grimaces as she rethinks her language. "Sorry, Sapphire. Gotta wash my mouth out with soap or somethin'."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst is quite right," Sapphire addresses Pearl as though Amethyst's cuss words had never been uttered. "Issues around body dysmorphia and food are incredibly complex and can only be addressed when a person is willing to admit they have a problem. Please, don't judge yourself too harshly for your own journey."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl makes a small noise of assent, head bent, hair falling across her face. Sapphire looks back to Amethyst, expression still blessedly calm and unruffled.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst, when would you say you began to develop romantic feelings towards Pearl?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh man," she sighs. "It was like... slow burn, y'know? We got close as friends and then I started thinking she was real pretty despite being like, skin and bone. And the more she chilled out, the more I liked her. Once I figured out I could make her laugh I just wanted to keep her around laughin' forever." Realising her mouth has run away with her, she blushes, clearing her throat. "So maybe, like, that first year."</p><p> </p><p>"What attracted you to Pearl?" God, Sapphire's eye is like a laserbeam on her - not uncomfortable, but intense. Amethyst couldn't lie if she wanted to. She's kind of glad Garnet is aro ace and has probably never had to face this line of questioning from her mom.</p><p> </p><p>"She was... just, cute," Amethyst grunts, before licking her lips, popping her knuckles, and resigning herself to the unfettered truth. "Okay, I thought she was - the most freakin' beautiful person in the world. Even when she was sick or tired or actin' like a bitch, whatever." She is conscious of Pearl slowly unfurling as she talks. "Her eyes light up - like, it's such a cliché but they legit sparkle when she's excited. And she talks with her hands. When she was in a hella good mood she used to dance around the kitchen when she thought I wasn't lookin' - not all fancy ballet stuff, like... dork dancing. And she used to sing along to the radio."</p><p> </p><p>She smiles, remembering how Pearl would shriek and blush any time Amethyst burst in on one of her impromptu sing-alongs - at least, before Amethyst started joining in. "The more I got to know her the more I wanted to know. She was... addictive. Real moody," she adds, for the sake of balance, "but I couldn't get her outta my head."</p><p> </p><p>She low-key hates Sapphire for letting the silence after her little monologue stretch before she looks to Pearl, now upright again. She doesn't look teary or tense, like Amethyst had expected after Sapphire’s probing around the twin landmines of Rose and Pearl's <em>issues </em>with food. A little sad and pensive, but not on the brink, at least for now.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, how about you? When did you start to have feelings for Amethyst, and why?"</p><p> </p><p>"I think it was around the same time," she answers slowly, choosing her words carefully. "I felt so odd about it, after Rose. But Amethyst was like..." Pearl can't help but laugh. "She was like a lightning bolt. I'd never met anyone else like her. She was... so free, so full of energy. She made me laugh when I didn’t want to laugh. And when she was tired or down, I... wanted to be the one to cheer her up again. I wanted to make her smile like she was always trying to do for me." </p><p> </p><p>Pearl's pale cheeks flush pink as she carries on at Sapphire's encouraging nod. "Her smile. God. It was the loveliest thing I’d ever seen. And it was complicated because - I loved Rose. So much I thought it would be the death of me. But it was so different. Loving Rose was like... like practising for years for a performance and then somebody else stealing the role out from under you. Amethyst... made me feel like I was stood centre stage, having given the performance of a lifetime, getting a standing ovation."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst rubs the back of her neck, feeling flattered but awkward. Pearl coughs and adjusts her collar. Sapphire seems pleased.</p><p> </p><p>"And at what point did you realise your feelings for one another might be reciprocated?" she asks next.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh gosh," Pearl begins, smiling against her own will. "A long time. Too long, probably. I was <em>not</em> naturally inclined to believe I could be attractive." Amethyst chuckles, nodding in agreement.</p><p> </p><p>"Same, kinda - I couldn’t let myself think like that. I kinda had a... thing going on, myself" she gestures vaguely to her own head. "I was always comparin' myself - to my sister, my cousins, Pearl, everyone. So it like - didn't register that someone like her could ever be interested in me. Even though I could see her head was wrecked, she was so... well put together."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst raises an eyebrow at Pearl, who looks back without flinching. "She's a really good actor. Always tryin' to seem like she's a-okay when when she's not. I kinda admired how much work she put into not falling apart, but I wanted her to actually feel good, not just look good. I wanted her to know she was fine just as she was. More than fine. She was... amazing. I couldn’t stop looking at her half the time, it was embarrassing."</p><p> </p><p>"Lapis used to tease you for it," Pearl reminds her, smiling faintly. Amethyst narrows her eyes at her, not without warmth.</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up about Lapis. Remember how I thought you had a thing for her way back when?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, <em>God</em>. And I thought you had a crush on..."</p><p> </p><p>"Peridot," they say together, both laughing - then stopping suddenly, awkward as a wrong number. It feels strange laughing together again, especially in Sapphire's office.</p><p> </p><p>"That seems like rather a conundrum," Sapphire muses. "Why don't you tell me more about that year, when your feelings began to develop beyond what we might call platonic?"</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>A year after Amethyst moved in, Pearl can honestly thank Lapis for posting the roommate ad without her permission. </p><p> </p><p>They have managed, not without effort, to fall into some semblance of routine. Amethyst's free mornings align most comfortably with the grocery store opening hours, so every other weekend they allocate time to a budget, a shopping list and a meal plan. Pearl is most inclined to eat when she feels in control of the cooking, so Amethyst is in charge of prep on the days when she has early shifts, and leaves the ingredients measured and chopped for Pearl to fix dinner for them both when she arrives home. After a considerable amount of bickering, a chore wheel is drawn up, taped to the fridge and - broadly - adhered to.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl learns to text Amethyst ahead of time when she can feel her mind fraying and needs some space. Amethyst gradually accepts that she can be just as inclined to mood swings as her roommate and takes herself out to the junkyard or over to Garnet's when she feels an outburst coming on. Both of them realize that, if they need to cry, the other one isn't going to run screaming. Arcade trips, movie nights and chilled evenings gaming with Garnet, Lapis and Peridot become more of a staple whenever they can all find time around work and, in Garnet’s case, graduate school. </p><p> </p><p>By Christmas that first year, which they celebrate in the apartment with their friends and an assortment of Amethyst's cousins, Pearl is happy. Not twitterpated and anxious like she was with Rose - honestly, truly, happy. Granted, she hates her job, and half her ballet troupe to boot - but it somehow seems easier to manage when she can come home and set the world to rights with Amethyst at the end of a bad day. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst finds it hard to believe that Pearl is her friend - hell, one of her closest friends. If you'd told her in high school that someday she'd be best buds with a snobby ballerina from Empire Academy, she'd have laughed 'til she puked. They are polar opposites and yet, somehow, strike an unlikely harmony together. Pearl keeps her grounded, stops her carrying out half of her crazier schemes, anchors her when she gets into a temper. Meanwhile, she gets Pearl out of her shell, gives her a safe space and a captive audience to let loose and be her weird, nerdy, melodramatic self. </p><p> </p><p>There are plenty of fights and lapses into passive-aggressive sniping, but it all blows over far easier once Amethyst learns to put her pride in her pocket and go knock on Pearl's door rather than stew over an argument. She isn't the best with words, but she finds that throwing her arms around Pearl in a sincere apology hug works just as well. Pearl begins to recognise where Amethyst's fault lines lie and to tread carefully around them, to seek her out and reassure her if they do come to cross words, knowing that Amethyst has just as much proclivity towards self-deprecation as Pearl herself. They spend more and more time lounging in one another's rooms as they grow closer, watching old shows on Pearl's laptop or smoking a bowl on Amethyst's bed, staring up at the star projector Pearl gave her for her birthday.</p><p> </p><p>The apartment finally feels like home to Amethyst, somewhere she can totally relax. As the months roll by, small changes can be seen in the decor: Amethysts's homespun knickknacks find their way out of storage and onto the shelves, Pearl puts up photographs that don't have Rose front and centre, and after much deliberation they finally agree on a rug for the living room - blue, yellow, white and pink diamonds in a perfect geometric pattern. Pearl admires the symmetry, Amethyst likes the handwoven texture (and, though she doesn't dare tell Pearl, the fact that she found it in the trash).</p><p> </p><p>The rug takes on an essential function after a hair-dye incident, almost a year to the day after Amethyst first exploded into Pearl's life. Amethyst has been complaining about her dark roots growing in but hasn't had the time or inclination to bleach them over - however, at this point it's practically a dip-dye and she has an aesthetic to maintain. Lapis' blue is almost faded out of her naturally black waves, and Peridot's usual bleach-blonde has a clear inch of brown at the roots.</p><p> </p><p>Peridot threatens to hide Lapis' swimsuits if she covers their bathroom and towels in blue dye yet again. Lapis promises she will pour rec center chlorine on Peridot’s gaming PC if she so much as lays a finger on her shit. Amethyst offers to keep the peace by holding a mass hair-dyeing session at her and Pearl's place, which has a tub under the shower as opposed to the crappy stall at Lapis and Peri's. Garnet joins them, as she puts it, "because I know it's going to be entertaining". </p><p> </p><p>"I hope you're applying the peroxide correctly back there, Lazuli," Peridot warns, though her threatening intent is diminished by the fluffy towel around her shoulders and the atypical absence of her glasses. Her dark eyes look tiny without the wide frames and, with her hair damp and combed back at odd angles as Lapis works the bleach through the roots, her head seems strangely triangular. </p><p> </p><p>"I promise to tell you if your scalp starts to melt," Lapis says sardonically, her own scalp mummified in saran wrap to keep the blue dye from dripping. </p><p> </p><p>"You sure you know what you're doing, P?" Amethyst glances up, feeling Pearl's fingers dancing across her scalp. On the couch, across from the sea of newspapers they've spread on the floor for any errant drops of bleach or dye, Garnet gives her a silent thumbs-up.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, Amethyst," trills Pearl. "I used to help my little sisters dye their hair so people could tell them apart. Much to Mother's chagrin. Can you believe that dyeing brown hair yellow without mixing the colorant correctly can actually turn all your hair green?"</p><p> </p><p>"Lazuli, I solemnly promise you that if you turn my hair green, you will be swimming naked for a month," Peridot hisses. Lapis smiles serenely and yanks a chunk of Peridot's hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Head down, Dot. And if you touch my gear, the motherboard gets it."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for doin' this, Pearl," Amethyst says, as Peridot splutters indignantly under Lapis' none-too-gentle ministrations. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, it's no trouble. Playing hairdresser is quite fun," Pearl smiles. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, can barely feel you. Hey, make sure you get the whole root with the bleach, 'kay? Don't matter if you fade the purple, we're gonna go over that with the color later."</p><p> </p><p>"I will," Pearl says soothingly. </p><p> </p><p>"You better, Pierogi. I got a rep to protect."</p><p> </p><p>"What rep?" Pearl prods her in the rib and Amethyst yelps, ticklish.</p><p> </p><p>"Y'know, with the ladies." She puts a lascivious emphasis on the vowels. "Can't be walkin' round with a ratchet dye job if some hot chick happens to rock up to the junkyard."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sure the 'tortured artist' look will have girls falling at your feet," Pearl rolls her eyes. "Turn around, let me check I got your bangs."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst obeys. She is trying hard not to think about the feel of Pearl's gloved hands brushing against the sensitive skin of her neck. She can't look at Garnet, because while Garnet doesn't date, she seems to be annoyingly omniscient when it comes to other people's crushes - and she is certain that if Garnet watches her too closely, she'll <em>know</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Because she's fallen for Pearl; hopelessly, stupidly, painfully. When they're alone she finds herself watching her any time she can get away with it, pining, like some lovestruck kid. Everything she does is so impossibly graceful and beautiful and Amethyst would give anything to take Pearl in her arms, feel every muscle and curve pressed up against her, and kiss her 'til her knees give out.</p><p> </p><p>She's caught herself, multiple times, staring at the sweet crest of Pearl's Cupid's bow, wishing she could just lean over and plant one on her. Pearl would probably scream, which keeps Amethyst from doing anything dumb. She doesn't fancy chancing her luck on another mystery roommate if she were to scupper their current living arrangement by doing something reckless and stupid. But she is totally, embarrassingly smitten with Pearl, and everything about her - from the angle of her jaw to the arch of her foot - hits Amethyst bulls-eye in the feelings, as full of sentiment as lines from a love poem.</p><p> </p><p>She'd watched Pearl limbering at the barre once, when she'd dropped in at the dance studio to bring Pearl her forgotten lunch on her way to work (okay, so it was completely out of her way, but she was being <em>nice</em>). Watching her taut muscles flex and release, seeing her extend her leg past her head in an elegant attitude that had no business looking anything other than painful, made Amethyst want to <em>die. </em>She'd barely been able to stammer a "You're welcome," when Pearl noticed her - too preoccupied with how impossibly good Pearl looked flushed and sweating, thin chest heaving from exertion. She’d felt like a dirty perv, but she’d been totally unable to stop herself from imagining Pearl doing all of those things but for an entirely <em>different</em> reason, underneath Amethyst. </p><p> </p><p>More than once, she has had to bite down on her own hand in the dead of night to keep herself from crying out Pearl's name. </p><p> </p><p>But it's never going to happen, Amethyst reminds herself, coming out of her daydream, listening to the escalation of Lapis and Peridot's bickering. Pearl is never going to think of her like that, not in a million years. She feels a melancholy swoop in her chest and plasters a bright smile onto her face as Pearl turns her head this way and that with her fingertips, trying with every fiber of her being not to think about how warm Pearl's fingers are and how they might feel tangled in her hair as they kissed. </p><p> </p><p>"Looking good," Pearl smiles as she steps back, satisfied with her work. Amethyst stores up the memory for later, even though she knows Pearl means the bleach job. "Garnet, can you please keep an eye on the clock for us? The bleach will need a half-hour before we rinse it off and start on the purple."</p><p> </p><p>"You got it," Garnet replies. "And Lapis, leave Peridot alone. You aren't really going to pull out all the keys of her keyboard and put them back out of order."</p><p> </p><p>"You're right," drawls Lapis. "It's a lot of effort. I'll probably just pour soda on the whole thing."</p><p> </p><p>"You two, cut it out," Pearl intervenes as Peridot yells in outrage and Lapis grins with perverse pleasure. "Amethyst, can you finish up Peridot's roots? Lapis, your colorant should be about done. I'll help you rinse it off."</p><p> </p><p><em>Of course. Of course you want to get </em>her<em> alone,</em> Amethyst's brain supplies, savagely.</p><p> </p><p>"Lucky you've got Pearl watching out for you, Peri," Lapis sticks out her tongue as she hands over the comb, gloves and dye and traipses after Pearl to the bathroom. Amethyst can't quite manage to smile, busying herself by shoving a grocery store bag over her half-bleached hair, fastening the arrangement with a hair tie before she gets to work on the swathes of Peridot's roots that Lapis has clearly ignored in a contrary fit. </p><p> </p><p>There is a hollow sort of sadness settling in her gut as she hears Pearl test the water, the shower head having been yanked free of its clamp, followed by a squeal and a curse from Lapis, then a chorus of laughter. It checks out, honestly. They’d suit each other. Lapis is dark where Pearl is fair, hair midnight-blue where Pearl’s is strawberry-blonde. They’re both artistic, into all the high-brow stuff that bores Amethyst to tears. They're both slender and toned, Amethyst reflects, wishing for an uncharacteristic second that she’d ever had the willpower to bother caring about dieting or dress sizes.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl would never want someone like her, short and round and brash and rude. She should be with Lapis, someone else graceful and athletic and elegant. Amethyst hardens her heart and decides that, after everything Pearl has been through, she will make herself be happy when she and Lapis finally work it out. She does, however, take to spending more time with Peridot when they all hang out; ostensibly to give the budding couple time alone, but also because it kind of hurts to see it happening in front of her.</p><p> </p><p>She can handle it. Not being good enough hurts like a motherfucker, but she isn't going to get in the way of Pearl being happy, not after the Rose debacle. So she swallows the weird lump in her throat, glad at least she can blame her stinging eyes on the bleach fumes permeating the room. </p><p> </p><p>"Turn your head, Peridork, lemme get at your neck."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Let me know if the water's too hot or too cold. Sorry about before," Pearl adds, having accidentally sprayed Lapis full in the face with freezing water whilst adjusting the nozzle on the shower head. </p><p> </p><p>"I've swum in the ocean with snow on the beach. I can handle it," sniffs Lapis, unpeeling the cellophane from her head and examining the bright blue residue clinging to the plastic. "Just not in my eyes and nose and mouth at close range. Asshole."</p><p> </p><p>"Hush," Pearl chides her as Lapis kneels down, gently bending the other girl's neck over the side of the tub. "I'm turning the water on now."</p><p> </p><p>"Going to waterboard me again?"</p><p> </p><p>"Can't hear you," lies Pearl, yelling over the rumbling of the ancient shower as she turns on the water. She directs the first jet against the side of the tub, then trails her fingers under the water to check the temperature before raising the shower head to start hosing Lapis off.</p><p> </p><p>The bathroom door is open, but she can't see round the corner to where Amethyst and Peridot are set up. She is, ridiculously, sad not to be able to look at Amethyst. They live together. They spend most of their free time together, nowadays, and Pearl still misses her whenever they aren't in the same room. When they are in the same room, Pearl wants to be right next to her. And when that wish is granted, she wants to... </p><p> </p><p>Pearl blushes, refocussing on Lapis as the water swirling down the drain turns blue as spilled ink. She wants a lot of impossible things. </p><p> </p><p>She is astonished at herself, that her heart can be so elastic. Rose was The One. But now, she catches her eyes lingering on Amethyst - her full lower lip, the droop of her hair bundled up in a ponytail, the way the lush swell of her hips stretches her jeans. Amethyst is so <em>loud</em>, and Pearl finds that far from being annoyed by it, she adores it. When she wakes up in the morning the first thing she hears is Amethyst crashing about the kitchen making breakfast or singing off-key to the radio, and Pearl has developed an embarrassing habit of smiling into her pillow as she listens, thinking that the only possible improvement could be waking up with Amethyst next to her. </p><p> </p><p>They've relaxed around each other completely since that first night, when Amethyst interrupted her wallowing with a well-timed joint and her unique brand of blunt, sincere kindness. Amethyst's brash demeanour is mostly for show, and over the last year Pearl has felt lucky to see the gentler side of Amethyst's nature: her insecurities, her generosity, her compassion. When Amethyst stops bounding down the sidewalk to pick a pretty flower because it happens to be her favourite color, Pearl <em>melts</em>.</p><p> </p><p>And when she's deep in what Amethyst has nicknamed 'The Pit' - when everything feels heavy, and her thoughts are jumbled, and everything she does is wrong, wrong, <em>wrong</em> - Amethyst never laughs, never mocks her, but will sit next to Pearl in silence for as long as it takes for her to either start talking or crying. One way or another, when the dam bursts, Amethyst is there for her with hugs and smiles and the sincere reassurance Pearl had never realised was lacking with Rose.</p><p> </p><p>When she dreams, she dreams in shades of purple. When she wakes, she burns, heat pooling deep in her core that no cold shower seems to fix.</p><p> </p><p>There are other moments too, when Amethyst throws her all into something - a painting she's especially passionate about, a recipe she's particularly fond of, when she screams along to karaoke on their occasional nights out - that the sheer energy from Amethyst has Pearl feeling dull and lifeless in comparison. When Amethyst is excited, she <em>glows</em>, every strand of hair and freckle on her gorgeous face alight with a genuine zest for life.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is nothing compared to her, flat-chested, awkward, overcautious. But when Amethyst's familiar voice calls her name, Pearl wishes she could hear Amethyst say her name in a wholly different tone: wants to wrap herself around Amethyst and explore every inch of her beautiful curves, to taste the skin of her neck, to hear her rough voice plead and moan and <em>beg</em> for Pearl to -</p><p> </p><p>"Ow!" hisses Lapis. Pearl starts, mortified to realise she has been pulling on Lapis' hair.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry!" she squeaks, massaging Lapis' scalp. The water splashes as it runs periwinkle-blue from her dripping head. "Almost done."</p><p> </p><p>She can’t. She <em>mustn’t</em>. How dare she be so fickle, and so obscenely inappropriate. Quite apart from anything else, it’s obvious Amethyst’s interest is elsewhere.</p><p> </p><p>She never imagined being jealous of Peridot. She had always admired Peridot's skill when they were college students together; had always been eager to partner with her on group projects, knowing that they were both sincerely interested in their subject and that each of them would hold up their end of the bargain when it came to collaborative work. She has even enjoyed time with Peridot socially, especially now with the five of them spending so much time together.</p><p> </p><p>But Peridot and Amethyst seem to click, on a level with one another in more ways than just their diminutive height (and <em>stars</em>, doesn't she wonder at how it would feel to hold Amethyst, with their height difference - she could fit right under Pearl's chin, the perfect height to kiss the crown of her head, or dip down to whisper into her ear all the things she wanted to do to her) - </p><p> </p><p>"Do you fucking mind?" spits Lapis, voice waterlogged. <em>Whoops</em>. Pearl had absent-mindedly sprayed the side of her head, missing her hair but drenching the side of her face. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm nearly done!" Pearl is keen to spin out the rinsing as long as she can to give Peridot and Amethyst some time alone - well, alone with Garnet, who sees all and says little - outside. She decided weeks ago that, having had her own heart stomped on the year previously, she is going to do everything she can to facilitate Amethyst's happiness. She’s a good friend, after all - and if she can’t be anything more than that, then she will play the magnanimous roommate to the absolute best of her ability.</p><p> </p><p>Sure, it makes her want to weep when she sees her and Peridot laughing so naturally together as they extol the relative merits of old videogames Pearl has never heard of; and yes, her heart breaks a little every time she sees them whooping and fist-bumping joyously after an especially satisfying win at the arcade, but she has been heartbroken before. This time is more subtle, though: the slow twist of a knife versus the bulldozer of emotional upheaval Rose had wreaked upon her life, so she is confident in her ability to keep her secret under wraps. Occasionally she thinks Garnet might be looking at her askance, but it really is hard to tell behind her dark lenses. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing, she switches off the water. "I'll grab you a towel so you don't drip all over the place," she tells Lapis. "Sit tight."</p><p> </p><p>She paints a blithe smile onto her face as she steps back into the living room, sees Peridot gesticulating wildly as she vents her feelings over the remake of an old classic console game to Amethyst. Amethyst is giggling, the dimples in her cheeks showing, a few strands of faded purple sticking out from the grocery bag atop her head.</p><p> </p><p><em>God. That girl makes a </em>grocery bag<em> look cute</em>, Pearl thinks, grabbing an old towel from the stack they'd made after deciding which were old and worn-out enough to be sacrificed to their vanity. "Garnet, how are we for time?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ten minutes to go," Garnet replies. </p><p> </p><p>"Great. How are you two doing?" The cheer she's injected into her voice falters, just a little, on the 'two'. </p><p> </p><p>"Fine now I've fixed the fuckin' mess Lapis made of the back of Peri's head. How's the water witch?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't call her that," clucks Pearl. Amethyst, to her surprise, looks guilty. </p><p> </p><p>"Right. Sorry. Didn't mean to - " she stops abruptly, as if she's about to say something regrettable, before stooping to put down the bowl of bleach and the comb. "Anyways - Peri, you're good. Wrap your damn head up, though. You look like an alien." </p><p> </p><p>"Take pictures," yells Lapis from the bathroom. Pearl sighs and goes to deliver the towel.</p><p> </p><p>"I do not resemble an extra-terrestrial in any way," Peridot whines. Amethyst has sectioned off her angular pageboy-cut into three hair ties to be sure she's covered the roots all over. So held, and stiff from the bleach, each section sticks up like an antenna. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure you don't." Amethyst picks up her cellphone. "Hey, lemme just take a quick - "</p><p> </p><p>"If you take any photographs I will not be held responsible for what I do to your computer the next time you beg me for technical support."</p><p> </p><p>"Fine, I'll ask Pearl," Amethyst shrugs, stepping back to fit the full glory into the frame of her grainy cellphone camera, wanting a distraction from the thoughts of Lapis and Pearl whirling around her head. Peridot makes a noise like an angry feral cat. </p><p> </p><p>"This isn't going to end well," calls Garnet, but makes no move to intervene. </p><p> </p><p>"Gotcha," Amethyst grins. Peridot makes a short-sighted flailing grab for Amethyst's cell, misses, overbalances, steps back to catch herself and puts her foot in the bowl of peroxide paste.</p><p> </p><p>"You clod!" she yells, not thinking before her foot makes contact with the carpet just past the edge of the newspaper Pearl had meticulously laid out. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit," Amethyst says, eyes going wide. "Pearl, like... don't come out."</p><p> </p><p>"What's going on?" Pearl appears in the bathroom doorway with Lapis just behind her, towelling off her wet hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst is a clod!" Peridot shrieks, groping on the table for her glasses. Lapis bursts into peals of hysterical laughter when she catches sight of Peridot, and Pearl lets out a scream of horror when she sees Peridot tracking bleach into the carpet. </p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Garnet shouts over the hubbub, as Pearl shoos Peridot onto the newspaper to a refrain of ‘clods, clods, clods’, while Lapis leans weakly against the wall, clutching her side. "You can take the grocery bag off, but you're not going to be happy."</p><p> </p><p>"Wh- ?" Confused, Amethyst reaches up, yanks off the hair tie holding the grocery bag in place, and shakes her head free. Pearl stops fussing over the carpet and stares at her.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," Pearl says softly, the faint monosyllable doing unkind things to Amethyst's heart. Peridot stops ranting, follows her line of vision. Lapis creases up again and turns her face away, shaking with silent laughter. Even Garnet seems to be fighting a smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, jeez - " Amethyst rushes to the mirror to see that the bright orange logo from the grocery store bag has been dissolved by the chemicals, with the lurid color transferring straight onto the fresh bleach on Amethyst's hair. Pearl hovers in the doorway, hands over her mouth, with Garnet, Lapis and Peridot crowding in behind her to watch the explosion.</p><p> </p><p>She forgets to feel bitter about Pearl as she sinks to her knees, laughing 'til her face aches, joined a beat after by her friends. From that moment on, the bleach-stained patch of their carpet is a joke, a happy memory chemically burned into the fibers - though Pearl insists on hiding over with the throw rug, and gets antsy if it’s left on display. </p><p> </p><p>“The stain is the first thing you see when you walk into the room,” she complains, whenever Amethyst teases her about it, “it’s distracting. Especially when the rug next to it is so <em>perfectly</em> symmetrical.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"We nearly lost our security deposit over that," Pearl huffs, with a sideways look at Amethyst. "You said it was Peridot's fault."</p><p> </p><p>"It <em>was</em> Peridot's fault. She was the one who trod the bleach all over everything."</p><p> </p><p>"You provoked her."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to tell the rest of the story?"</p><p> </p><p>"..."</p><p> </p><p>"Then quit interrupting me, we only have an hour. <em>Jeez</em>."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Summer comes around fast and with it, the annual beachfront fair. From Funland down to the end of the boardwalk, you can't go ten feet without seeing a pop-up fairground game or snack stall as the vendors return for the busy summer season and the fat pockets of the tourists who flock here. Every business downtown goes all-out to outdo one another, storefronts bedecked with bright flags and advertisements to lure in customers and turn the summer vacation crowd into profit.</p><p><br/>
At night, the boardwalk is alive with a kaleidoscope array of colour and light, warm air thick with the smell of corndogs and cotton candy. With a window cracked, the hazy night breeze carries the faint screams of excited children and the distant glockenspiel jangle of fairground music out far enough to hear from Pearl and Amethyst’s apartment.</p><p> </p><p>The two of them, having grown up within driving distance of the coast, are over it. Lapis and Peridot, however, moved to Delmarva from halfway across the country and have only had chance to go to the fair once. With Garnet out of town on some ranch with her moms, this leaves the four of them to - somewhat awkwardly - make a day of it. </p><p> </p><p>"So... hey, Pearl," Amethyst begins, stilted, as they eat dinner together in front of the TV. She is glad for the old B-movie currently playing so she can feign an interest and keep her eyes up to avoid looking at her roommate. "Peri asked if I wanted to go to the fair tomorrow night."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." Pearl almost drops her fork. She had known this would happen at some point, had promised to be gracious, and it still feels like a punch in the gut. She focuses hard on her breathing, keeping it steady and even. "That's nice."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?" Amethyst tries. "I thought maybe, you might wanna... y'know. Invite Lapis. You guys could come along. Could be fun." It sounds like <em>hell</em>, but she gets the feeling that Peridot is also trying to engineer a situation for their respective roommates to be alone, and she'd decided ahead of time to encourage Pearl when the moment came. She deserves to be happy. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst would give anything to be the one making her happy, but <em>fuck</em>, if it's Lapis she wants, she'll settle for breaking Lapis' kneecaps if she ever screws Pearl over.</p><p> </p><p>"Would you be okay with that?" asks Pearl, surprised that Amethyst has suggested she play gooseberry. Maybe she's nervous. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, sure, fuck, dude, whatever," Amethyst says, in a rush, skewering a piece of broccoli with her fork. "It's only the fair."</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh, she </em>is<em> nervous</em>. "Well, okay. I'll text Lapis after we're done eating. If Peridot is - busy - with you, I mean, at the fair - then I guess she'll probably be free." Pearl forces herself to smile for Amethyst's benefit, though what she honestly wants is to dash to her room, hurl herself on the bed and cry. "It's... a date!"</p><p> </p><p><em>Ouch</em>. "Yup, sure is," Amethyst scowls, shovelling a forkful of rice into her mouth so Pearl won't expect her to talk. </p><p> </p><p>They watch the rest of the movie in silence.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The following evening, Amethyst and Pearl get ready and head out to the fair just before sunset, both looking perfectly relaxed, both feeling utterly miserable. They spot Lapis and Peridot waiting for them outside the fry shack, where they'd agreed to meet. </p><p> </p><p><em>Goddamn it</em>. Lapis looks gorgeous, blue halterneck skater dress cut to mid-thigh, showing off her long swimmer's legs. Her back is bare, showing the toned muscle underneath her deep brown skin and the tattoo spanning the breadth of her back; a symmetrical design of breaking waves curling over to look like two wings. Amethyst kind of hates her, feeling like trash in her washed-out wrestling racerback and cut-offs. <em>No wonder Pearl is so into her.</em> </p><p> </p><p><em>Fuck</em>, thinks Pearl, looking at Peridot. Peridot's short-sleeved button-down is patterned with neon green alien heads, and she's clearly dressed to impress, smartening up her black slacks with suspenders and a bow-tie. She's decorated the suspenders with pin badges, gaming logos and slogans Pearl doesn't recognise. She fiddles with the material of her long turquoise sundress, feeling like an intruder. S<em>he made an effort for Ame. That's... good. It's great. Don't spoil this for her.</em></p><p> </p><p>"Hi, you two," smirks Lapis. "Looking <em>very</em> nice."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh! Thank you. You look lovely," Pearl tries to smile. Amethyst vents her feelings by kicking a pebble off the edge of the boardwalk, into the shallow water below.</p><p> </p><p>"I am delighted that you accepted my invitation to the fair," Peridot nods towards Amethyst. Pearl feels a queasiness that has nothing to do with the smell of fried food wafting along the beach.</p><p> </p><p>"So... double date time," Lapis announces. Pearl blinks. Amethyst frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Um..." </p><p> </p><p>Lapis sighs at their perplexed faces. "Okay, guys, let's just... be honest here."</p><p> </p><p><em>No!</em> Pearl thinks desperately, hot panic rising like bile. <em>I can't be honest, please, anything but that.</em></p><p> </p><p>"I think we're all aware there's something going on that we need to talk about."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst wonders if the shallow breakers beneath the wooden beams are deep enough to drown herself in if she jumped off the edge, right here, right now. </p><p> </p><p>"I agree," Peridot nods vigorously, glasses slipping down her nose. "No need to 'sugarcoat the bush', as they say."</p><p> </p><p>"You’re mixing your metaphors," Lapis informs her. "But Peri has a point. You two - " she gestures to Pearl and Amethyst, " - are driving us fucking insane. It's honestly tiring watching you guys drag this thing out and tiptoe round each other. I'd really rather you didn't start making out everywhere but please, just do <em>something.</em>"</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, hang on a sec - " Amethyst's brain is working a mile a minute as she stares at Lapis. "I - aren't you - don't you - what about <em>you</em> and <em>Pearl</em>?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl gapes at her. "I only came because you asked me! You seemed so nervous about your date with Peridot, that I - "</p><p> </p><p>"Hold up, you thought <em>I</em> was into <em>Peri</em>?!" yelps Amethyst in horror.</p><p> </p><p>"I am unsure whether to be offended by that level of disgust," frowns Peridot, "but I cannot deny I feel similar revulsion at the idea of romantic interaction with Amethyst."</p><p> </p><p>Lapis raises a disbelieving eyebrow at Amethyst and Pearl, both dumbstruck, gazing at one another. “You’re serious.”</p><p> </p><p>Peridot connects the dots, muttering to herself, then cackles wickedly. “Oh, my stars. Did these clods really mistake what I suspect that they mistook?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, dumbass,” Lapis says, but there’s none of the usual snark in her tone and her eyes are fond and... ah.</p><p> </p><p><em>Not Pearl after all</em>, Amethyst realizes, in the same instant as Pearl notices that please-use-sanitiser-I-don’t-know-where-you’ve-been Peridot is still standing hand-in-hand with Lapis. </p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Peridot replies. “And I'm supposed to be the one with difficulty interpreting social cues. I have studied your non-verbal communication and body language and it is clear you two share a mutual attraction.” She adjusts her bowtie, clears her throat, flashes Pearl and Amethyst a smug, toothy grin. Peridot is evidently rather enjoying herself.</p><p> </p><p>“As I was saying, please negotiate the parameters of your interpersonal relationship and desist from interrupting my designated ‘date’ time with Lazuli. Your interference made the act of “asking her out” extremely difficult.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, you’ve been a real pair of clam jammers,” Lapis mutters, and oh my <em>God</em>, she’s blushing. Amethyst gapes as she realises <em>Lapis Lazuli</em> is blushing at <em>Peridot Huang</em> calling their afternoon out a <em>date</em>. She has half a mind to check the sky for flying pigs.</p><p> </p><p>"We can reconvene later this evening so that Amethyst can bear witness to my superior skill at the ring toss. For now, please continue what I assume to be a revelatory conversation, given the shocked expressions on both of your faces." Peridot turns to Lapis. "Shall we?"</p><p> </p><p>"Please," grins Lapis, none of her usual snark to be heard. Pearl and Amethyst stare as they make their way down the pier into the throng gathering around the hot-dog stall, still hand-in-hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” Pearl manages, when her tongue finally unsticks itself from the roof of her suddenly dry mouth. “That was...”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuckin’ weird,” Amethyst laughs, eager to break the tension. “Wait ‘til I tell Garnet.”</p><p> </p><p>“We are both <em>horrible</em> matchmakers.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re telling me.” They fall momentarily silent. Overhead, seagulls wheel through the air, screeching, on the lookout for tourists to divebomb for food.</p><p> </p><p>“So you don’t... um... have a thing for Lapis, then?” Amethyst breaks first, feeling suddenly shy, looking up at Pearl sidelong under her bangs. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, God no," Pearl laughs, and Amethyst feels her chest lighten. "We’re both too emotional. She’d be trying to drag me to the bottom of the ocean in a month, tops.” She shuffles her feet, scraping the soles of her ballet flats against the rough wood. “And you... aren’t interested in Peridot, romantically?”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought she was ace,” Ame murmurs, shaking her head, as her friends are lost in the distant crowd. “Like Garnet. Her and Lapis... wow. Good luck to them.”</p><p> </p><p>“Agreed. They do look good together."</p><p> </p><p>The low sun just kisses the horizon, wispy clouds way over the ocean flecked amber and cerise. Tonight's sunset promises to be glorious, but instead Amethyst watches Pearl, still staring at the spot where Peridot and Lapis have disappeared from view, totally oblivious to how she looks - backlit by the warm rays of the dying light, hair seeming to glow golden, pink lips wet and open in a faint smile.</p><p> </p><p><em>Those lips</em>. Amethyst wonders, with a hot surge of blood to her cheeks, what her lips taste like - how it would feel to crush them against her own - how Pearl’s tongue would feel on the inside of her teeth, if she’d moan against her mouth, if she’d shiver when Amethyst's teeth grazed her earlobe...</p><p> </p><p>No. She is <em>not</em> waiting around for someone else to shoot their shot with Pearl. It's ride-or-die time.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, they kinda do," she murmurs, jamming her hands into her back pockets and crossing her fingers. "Good thing Peri isn't into me, 'cause I kinda... had my eye on someone else.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl clears her throat, adjusting the shoulders of her sundresss. For some reason, all of a sudden, she wants to look her best for Amethyst. Still, she demures, hedging her bets, just in case Lapis is dead wrong. “Oh?”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst smiles up at her. “Yeah, she’s sweet. I don’t wanna scare her off, so I’m not rushin’ anything. I’m happy to go slow, give her time, see how things work out.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl ducks her head, hiding her blossoming grin. “That sounds lovely. For you, I mean. Whoever she is, she’s lucky to have caught your eye."</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno, I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky one," Amethyst winks. Pearl rolls her eyes but can't keep her smile from growing as they stand there, shadows lengthening, on the boardwalk. Someone nearly walks into Amethyst and Pearl grabs her shoulder, yanks her out of the way, then realises with a little squeak of alarm that she's practically pulled Amethyst into her chest.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst jumps back, clears her throat, extends her elbow in a dramatic mock-chivalrous gesture only slightly undercut by the crimson blush radiating across her cheeks. “Come, my lady. The fair awaits.”</p><p> </p><p>“I always thought of myself as more of the knight...” Pearl giggles, but she dips a graceful <em>révérence</em> and takes the proffered arm. As they head into the funfair, giddy champagne-bubble happiness fizzling hot through her body from her stomach to her chest, she has to actually remind herself <em>not</em> to skip.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. you left your love untended, still it bloomed in reprimand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Amethyst practices self-restraint whilst, in the present day, Sapphire touches a nerve.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So from that point, how long did it take for you two to begin dating?"</p><p> </p><p>"That was August, so... ten months," answers Pearl, counting on thin fingers. "We got together in the formal sense on June twelfth, the year after." </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is begrudgingly impressed at how effortlessly Pearl recalls the date. She wonders if it marks the start of their relationship or... the other thing.</p><p> </p><p>"It's telling that you chose not to rush into a relationship," Sapphire says, with a polite smile at Amethyst. "It sounds as though you were intent on showing that you cared about not hurting Pearl's feelings."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I did," Amethyst mutters, picking some dried paint from under a fingernail. She feels hot, scrutinised and awkward. Talking about the past is beginning to get to her, even though so far they're picking over the good bits.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't wanna freak her out or make her think she had to date me because we lived together. I wanted to be..." She rolls her eyes, hating how corny it all sounds out loud. "I wanted to be careful with her. Like - I'm not careful about much, but she was... special. I didn't want to totally blow it."</p><p> </p><p>"And Pearl, what were your reasons for waiting?" </p><p> </p><p>"I was... a little scared," she admits, smoothing her sharply-creased slacks with sweaty palms. "My only relationship at that point was with Rose. And I knew, looking back, that it wasn't a healthy one. I was so desperate for her to like me, I did anything she wanted."</p><p> </p><p>Her cheeks flush blotchy pink as she reflects on how much time she sank into trying to impress Rose, the mental energy she'd put into pointless overanalysis of every syllable - <em>she said she was excited to see me, does she mean she was excited to see </em>me<em>? or is she just </em>excited<em>, to see me? - </em>the lolloping enthusiasm that looking back must have seemed pathetic to everybody around her. <em>Not</em> a good look. She sighs, blowing air up through her bangs. </p><p> </p><p>"I embarrassed myself over Rose. I realized that. And I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I wanted us to be... on equal footing. She said she was happy to wait and I... was grateful for that." Blue eyes dart quickly to Amethyst and then back to Sapphire as she swallows, mouth dry. "I needed time. I needed to be more sure of myself. But I knew I wanted her."</p><p> </p><p>"What made you finally take that leap, together, after ten months of waiting?" Sapphire asks, looking between the two women sat opposite. Amethyst fidgets but doesn't look up. She knows if she does then the dark cloud she can feel brewing in her mind will show in her face, and she isn't about being quizzed on that. Pearl gives her a wary sideways glance before taking a long inhale, and answering for both of them.</p><p> </p><p>"Rose. She... found out she was pregnant. She invited us both to the baby shower."</p><p> </p><p>"Real fuckin' power play, there," Amethyst growls. Pearl pinches the bridge of her nose, the creases in her brow deepening. Sapphire doesn't react to the building tension in the room, but her voice is kind as she addresses Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>"It seems as though you're finding this a particularly difficult topic, Amethyst. Could you share your thoughts with us?"</p><p> </p><p><em>Fuckin' therapy speak</em>. Amethyst wants to snap as she forces her eyes up, but Sapphire's face is so calm and passive she'd feel ridiculous blowing up at her. Her jaw works as she tries to frame her thoughts into a sentence that doesn't contain any four-letter words.</p><p> </p><p>"It makes me mad," she manages. "I'm still mad. Pearl worked so freakin' hard. I worked hard. We were takin' our time. We were... happy, y'know?" She clenches and unclenches her fists, crosses one leg over the other, bounces her foot, anything to dissipate the itchy feeling under her skin. "And she just - screwed all of us over, again."</p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes it can be helpful to separate facts from emotions when going over past events that cause us distress," Sapphire offers. "Let's try to go through the facts of what happened, without applying our personal emotional responses to them. There's nothing at all wrong with having those feelings, but being able to extricate the two can help us to talk about the past without feeling overwhelmed."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst wants to kick her chair over, yell, punch a wall, <em>anything</em>. Sapphire doesn't seem like she's been overwhelmed a day in her life. But she chose to come here, to drag Pearl along and to rake up all the dirt from the past. She wishes, for a second, that she'd just pushed Pearl for the divorce so they wouldn't have had to do all this <em>talking</em>.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst." If it was Sapphire, she thinks she might've snapped. But the silence is broken by Pearl, looking over at her with her eyes glassy with tears. The proper noun comes out small and wobbly. "It's okay. It isn't just you. I'm... mad at her, too."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?" Amethyst spits the word, mouth twisting with bitterness, as she sits on her hands to hide how badly they've started to shake. "She was the big love of your life or what-the-fuck-ever. I was always gonna be second best."</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl corrects, soft and precise although her voice is breaking. "She was my first love. And it wasn't fair that the start of our relationship was so affected by her. I wanted..." A tear breaks free and drips down Pearl's cheek, but she doesn't look away. Amethyst is honestly impressed they made it this far without Pearl blubbering, considering the amount of Rose talk they've had. "I wanted something better than that, for you. I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Wordlessly, Sapphire reaches into her desk drawer, pulls out a box of tissues, offers one to Pearl. She takes it gratefully, dabbing at her eyes. Amethyst sighs, scowling at Sapphire.</p><p> </p><p>"Let's just get this over with. We all know how this ends."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Amethyst has never been in love.</p><p> </p><p>She's had crushes, plenty of them, on celebrities and strangers and girls at the bar. She's been in lust plenty, too - she's an adult, it's perfectly normal for her to carry those girls to bed in her mind's eye, mentally undress them, imagine hands and mouths and all sorts of other places as she chases release under the covers. More than once during college, she got the real deal, but they never stayed, and she never missed them.</p><p> </p><p>Love was always for suckers, Jasper had said - suckers and people who write crappy pop songs. And Amethyst believed her. Until it snuck up on her.</p><p> </p><p>She can never pinpoint the moment she realized her feelings for Pearl had crossed the invisible line from affection to adoration, only the feeling. It feels like her heart has been sunbathing, turning it warm and languid and light, and she carries that soft-edged glowing feeling with her in her chest day-in day-out, as her and Pearl continue to feel their way around the new arrangement.</p><p> </p><p>Mostly, they carry on as normal. But nowadays when she's staring at Pearl, Amethyst spots Pearl looking at her more often than not. Sometimes Pearl catches Amethyst's wandering eye as she moves - bending over to pick up lint from the floor, giving Amethyst an eyeful of her toned ass; or stretching up to reach the top shelf of her closet, shirt riding up, flashing the creamy skin of her midriff - and she is <em>so</em> sure Pearl knows what she's doing to Amethyst that it takes all her self-control not to grab her and kiss the smirk off her beautiful face. </p><p> </p><p>Their routine doesn't change but the meaning behind their actions shifts by degrees. When they lie together on one of their beds, watching trash TV or smoking or talking until much too late, Amethyst wonders if Pearl can hear her heart beating hard in her chest as she deliberates whether now is the moment.</p><p> </p><p><em>Now</em>, as the corners of Pearl's eyes crinkle adorably while she laughs 'til she snorts at a terrible pun on an old sitcom.</p><p> </p><p><em>Now</em>, with Pearl's lips pursed as she breathes out a lazy smoke ring, head tipped back, stoned and stunning.</p><p> </p><p><em>Now</em>, with Pearl's lashes damp as she talks about the everything she went through as a closet dyke in Catholic school and Amethyst holds her hand, wants to hold <em>her</em>, never let her go and never let anyone fuck with her again for as long as they both live.</p><p> </p><p>But the moments are fleeting and Amethyst forces herself to wait.</p><p> </p><p>It's particularly difficult if they doze off together and she wakes up first, next to Pearl. Every damn time, she has to battle the desire to stroke the tousled hair from Pearl's cheek, drop a kiss on her forehead, then nestle up beside her to hold her while she dreams. She wonders if Pearl feels the same about her, on the mornings she's woken to Pearl gone but the smell of her hair on the empty pillow and the covers tucked in around her so neatly it can only be Pearl's handiwork.</p><p> </p><p>With their secret out but nobody daring, yet, to make a move, the most innocuous household task can take on a new meaning: the <em>x</em> dropped at the end of a text; the tiny heart scribbled on a note stuck to the leftovers in the fridge; dishes cleared as soon as they're dry so that Pearl doesn't have to come home and fuss about them; Amethyst's uniform spirited to the laundromat, washed and dried and folded for her to give her one less stressor in a busy week ahead.</p><p> </p><p>It's... nice. The word is too trite and simple to do justice to the wonderland of feelings Pearl wakes up in Amethyst, but it's what she says whenever Lapis and Peridot ask, and they seem to accept it. </p><p> </p><p>She knows Pearl isn't a virgin but she still wants to be gentle with her - physically, sure, but also with her heart. (Amethyst wants to gag at how sappy this whole shebang has made her. What's next? <em>Love poetry</em>?) Everyone knows Rose did a number on Pearl, and she doesn't want to do anything rash or hasty.</p><p> </p><p>Also, a little bit of her - the bit that makes her hate herself, trash her canvases, and stop speaking to her friends for a week at a clip - wants to give Pearl chance to back out once she has a proper look at Amethyst and realises that she could do <em>way</em> better. </p><p> </p><p>When Pearl looks at her with that buttery-soft fondness in her face, sometimes Amethyst is mortified that she wants to <em>cry</em>, to lay her head on Pearl's chest and be held, comforted, taken care of. Those moments make her want to give it all up and confess everything: how she feels, how she can't believe - really<em> can't</em> believe - Pearl likes her back, ask her why, beg her to tell her <em>exactly</em> what to do so that Amethyst never, ever makes her want to leave. </p><p> </p><p>But she doesn't cry, usually makes some teasing joke that gets Pearl blushing or shoving her playfully, and they carry on their lives, hovering in the strange liminal space between confessing a crush and acting on it. Amethyst finds she doesn't feel impatient or antsy over it, which is a surprise.</p><p> </p><p>They've got time. Pearl is special, and one-hundred per cent worth waiting for. They'll get there when they're both good and ready.</p><p> </p><p>She just has to wait for the perfect moment. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The moment gets fucking ruined. </p><p> </p><p>It's Rose, of course. Rose fucking Quartz sallying back into Pearl's life, her influence toxic as poison in the groundwater, sending the happy rhythm of their life topsy-turvy.</p><p> </p><p>She'd been totally cool with Pearl and Rose being back in touch. Honestly, she thought it was probably good for Pearl, having Rose see her existing without her life being tied to Rose's like vines clinging up a trellis. It was awkward, sure, but that was to be expected - and Greg always looked terrified when he and Pearl were forced to interact.</p><p> </p><p>By all accounts, he had good reason to be. Amethyst had managed to pry the finer details of what happened that fateful night - when Pearl came home from dance practice unexpectedly early with a cold - out of Vidalia, Greg and Lapis, interrogating and wheedling each one in turn. Rose probably regrets a lot of shit, but having an antique sword hanging in her room the night Pearl caught her and Greg going at it surely deserves to be one of them. Greg is lucky Pearl hadn't cut his dick off.</p><p> </p><p>So they'd pushed through the tension, survived awkward birthday drinks and one truly excruciating coffee shop tête-à-tête with Rose, Greg, Pearl and Amethyst all present. The vibe was frosty, but there were no theatrics anymore. And if Amethyst secretly felt the pressure of having a Rose-sized shadow to fill, she could keep it to herself.</p><p> </p><p>Until Rose had called Pearl out of the blue midway through making dinner. </p><p> </p><p>"We're having a baby," she'd breathed down the phone, ecstatic, sending Pearl's cell tumbling to the floor through limp fingers, as the pot on the stove boiled over with a hiss and a plume of steam.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst had been a little scared of Pearl that night, herself. She'd seen Pearl mad before. She'd seen Pearl crying plenty of times. She'd never seen Pearl completely and utterly lose her shit. It took the combined exertions of her and Garnet, who drove over at 2am at the behest of a freaked-out Amethyst, to get her to stop screaming and sobbing. They'd ended up both spooning her until she cried herself to sleep, still sniffling and hiccoughing even as her eyes drooped shut. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck," she mouthed to Garnet in the dim light of Pearl's lamp, "do we do now?"</p><p> </p><p>"Rose is having the baby," Garnet had said in a low murmur. "Greg supports her. We support Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>It sounded so simple. But Pearl had looked so utterly broken after the news it got Amethyst wondering if she'd been reading it wrong all along - if, maybe, she was still hung up on Rose. It wouldn't be the first time the prospect of dating Amethyst had sent a girl crawling back to an ex. The more she ruminated on it the deeper the idea seeded itself, pervading her mind like dry rot, worming its way into every squiggle and synapse of her brain.</p><p> </p><p>When Pearl smiles at her - not that she's smiled much at all, since the news - Amethyst wonders if she's secretly wishing she was taller, older, different, better, more like a real woman, more like Rose.</p><p> </p><p>More than once, her eyes have lingered on pink hair dye in the drugstore, before she checked herself and tossed the neighboring purple into her basket instead.</p><p> </p><p>To rub salt even deeper into the wound, they're currently at Rose's fucking baby shower by special invitation. Pearl had outright refused and Amethyst had defended her choice, but Rose's pleading phonecalls as the date approached had weakened Pearl's resolve as surely as acid rain erodes limestone. </p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, please. I know you're upset. But this is such an exciting time, you're still my best friend, I want you to be there. Greg wants you to be there. I want you to be a part of this baby's life. Please, Pearl. Can't you be happy for me?"</p><p> </p><p><em>God, she's a total manipulative bitch</em>, Amethyst thinks with malice as she bites into a cupcake, hoping the swirl of pink-and-blue frosting will sweeten the sour taste in her mouth. Beside her, with Amethyst's steadying hand on her knee, Pearl isn't eating: knuckles white, entire body as tense as a coiled spring. Garnet is sat on Pearl's other side because, in her words, "Pearl is a flight risk."</p><p> </p><p>There aren't many of them there. Vidalia is hosting the party, and the barrage of furious texts Amethyst had fired off to her about it have adequately conveyed her feelings on that particular matter. As she'd said when she got Amethyst alone under the guise of organising the few gifts on the end table, "I got no horse in this fuckin' race, Ame. But she's having a kid, and they're happy. I had nothing when I was pregnant with Sour Cream. It's the right thing to do."</p><p> </p><p>She admired Vidalia for her kindness in the face of what seems, to Amethyst, like a dangerously stupid life decision. Greg and Rose live in a van. She doesn't know shit about babies but it seems kind of obvious that you can't raise a baby in a van. </p><p> </p><p>Greg seems suitably awkward as he's refilled cups and fielded questions on due dates and names and obstetricians. <em>Good. Let him be awkward. This is his fault too.</em> Every time he passes by the couch they've commandeered she feels Pearl freeze up. She is chalk-white and clutching her stomach.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," Amethyst says, voice low so they won't be overheard by Vidalia or Yellowtail or Greg or any of Rose's few friends who have made it to the party. "You don't look so good. Wanna take a walk?"</p><p> </p><p>She shakes her head minutely. Garnet puts a hand on her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"You're doing great, Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst follows Pearl's line of sight and realises she is staring at Rose. The taller woman is perched on the other sofa, still graceful and light on her feet despite the convex swell of her pregnant belly, playing patty-cake with Sour Cream while Greg chuckles behind her. Amethyst feels kind of sick herself, watching them. </p><p> </p><p>A thick-set woman with rainbow locs who Amethyst doesn't know drifts over and greets Garnet with a tight hug. She's as tall as Garnet, which any other day would be remarkable, but with Rose around Amethyst has resigned herself to being the shortest person at the party who isn't an actual <em>kid</em>. Garnet mutters something to the newcomer and she kneels down beside Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, renegade," she says, voice deep but gentle as she tries a smile. "How you holding up?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl manages to avert her eyes as Greg and Rose share a long, tender kiss. "Bismuth. It's... great to see you."</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, you don't gotta lie to old Biz." Bismuth opens her arms and Pearl almost collapses into the hug. Garnet mouths 'college'. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," Amethyst hears Pearl whisper as she settles back in her seat, wiping her eyes as discreetly as she can manage. "Bismuth, this is Amethyst. She's my roommate and... my best friend."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, so you're Ms. Steal-Yo-Pearls," Bismuth chuckles, staying crouched as she extends a hand to Amethyst. "I'm kiddin'. G told me all about you. Glad you've been looking out for our girl."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst is excellent at that," Garnet adds, warmly. Amethyst is grateful for the praise even as she flushes, embarrassed, under the attention.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, I'm not so great. P's the real deal," she deflects, giving Pearl a gentle nudge in the ribs. She gets a tiny flicker of a smile for her efforts, and it feels <em>so</em> worth it. </p><p> </p><p>"That we can agree on," Bismuth says approvingly. "Mind if I join y'all? I don't know too many people here."</p><p> </p><p>"Not at all," says Garnet, as Bismuth pulls up a chair. "It's great to see you. Rose said you couldn't make it?"</p><p> </p><p>"I managed to swing it with the guys at the forge to let me take the afternoon if I cover a weekend. I'm a blacksmith," she adds, for Amethyst's benefit. "Mostly end up doin' gates and steelwork for buildings but sometimes you get some real fancy custom jobs - armor, weapons, cool stuff like that." She laughs, loud and easy, the sound like a thunderclap. "Not gonna run the risk of leavin' any swords lyin' around where Pearl might pick 'em up, right?"</p><p> </p><p>The joke hangs in the air, waiting for a laugh that doesn't come. The ensuing silence splinters its way from awkward to downright painful. Greg glances over nervously as Pearl twitches in her chair. </p><p> </p><p>"It's... still a bit of a touchy subject," Garnet says, quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, now you tell me," groans Bismuth. "Sorry, Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine." Pearl's lie is brittle and unconvincing. Bismuth and Garnet exchange a look. </p><p> </p><p>"Say, Garnet," Bismuth ventures, rubbing the back of her neck, "How's grad school? Goin' for the whole alphabet after your name?"</p><p> </p><p>"Just a Masters," Garnet says humbly. "I was considering applying for courses back in England, but Mom persuaded me to stay here and study part-time while I work so I don't end up with more student debt."</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, you know your moms would follow your across the damn ocean if you went to grad school overseas," Bismuth laughs. "How are Ruby and Sapphire?"</p><p> </p><p>"Really good," Garnet smiles. She's tight with her moms in a way that makes Amethyst's stomach tie itself in jealous knots. "Talking about renewing their vows as soon as equal marriage is legalized in-state."</p><p> </p><p>"Now that's a party I'd be happy to come to," Bismuth chuckles. "Ruby always was a firecracker."</p><p> </p><p>"Biz and I were on the college boxing team together," Garnet explains, leaning behind Pearl's hunched shoulders to talk to Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>"Cool," Amethyst replies distractedly. Pearl is trembling head to toe and she can see from the quiver of her lip that she's about a nanosecond away from bursting into tears. "Hey, Garnet - "</p><p> </p><p>And Pearl is <em>gone</em>, jumping out of her seat with such force she almost knocks Bismuth out of her chair, bolting out of the open door before Amethyst or Garnet can react or do a damn thing to stop her.</p><p> </p><p>"Jeez, she's fast," whistles Vidalia. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hell," Amethyst is on her feet, brushing cupcake crumbs off her lap. "Garnet, can you - "</p><p> </p><p>"Of course." Garnet is up, too, car keys in her hand. "Bismuth, it's been great. We'll catch up another time."</p><p> </p><p>"You need me to come too?" Bismuth asks, brows knitted together. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, but we can handle her."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, sure, no worries - hey, great to meet you, Amethyst!" calls Bismuth, looking worriedly at Pearl's now-empty seat, as they make for the door. Garnet stops as they reach Rose.</p><p> </p><p>"We need to go," she says, firmly. "Thank you for inviting us."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, thank you for coming," gushes Rose, hands on her bump as Greg gazes pathetically at her. "And for the gift, it was so thoughtful of you."</p><p> </p><p>"Not a problem." Amethyst is impressed at how collected Garnet is, though she can see that Garnet's left hand is twitching slightly around the keys. "We have had a lovely time."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, it's been a blast," Amethyst mutters sarcastically. Greg winces. Rose just twinkles at them, not rising to the bait. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, once we're set up in a place of our own, we'll be sure to have you all over after this little one arrives!" she beams. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't wait," grins Garnet. "I'm sure little Steven or Nora will be gorgeous. Take care, both of you."</p><p> </p><p>"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..." Amethyst hisses, pummelling Garnet's solid bicep as she wracks her brain for high school math - trying to remember her whether it's speed over time that gives distance, wondering how fast Pearl can run. "Bye, V. Thanks for the cake."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, you're welc - " Vidalia starts, but Amethyst has already disappeared, Garnet following calmly behind her.</p><p> </p><p>It's the last time they see Rose alive, though none of them know it yet.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. tell her nothing if not this, all i wanna do is kiss her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl has some questionable coping strategies, Amethyst has a chip on her shoulder, and Sapphire has an extraordinary poker face.</p><p>Content notes: alcohol, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and implied sexual content towards the end of the chapter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So you feel that Rose invited you to her baby shower out of spite?" Sapphire cuts in. Amethyst snorts with derision. </p><p> </p><p>"I felt like she was tryin' to rub it in. With Pearl, especially. Otherwise why even invite us?"</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, how about you?" No words - just a shaky, damp intake of breath. Sapphire tilts her head sympathetically, and Amethyst feels obliged to explain.</p><p> </p><p>"She's... not super great with the whole time period around when Rose d- when Steven was born," Amethyst corrects, hastily. "The baby shower was the last we saw of Rose. Pearl didn't return any of her calls, right up until... y'know." She gesticulates, hoping Sapphire is astute enough to catch on.</p><p> </p><p>"Until Rose passed." Pearl claps her hands over her mouth as Sapphire calmly names the elephant in the room. "Grief is a very powerful emotion. I appreciate how incredibly difficult this must be for both of you to talk about her death."</p><p> </p><p>"Please," Pearl pleads, muffled by her hands, "don't. Just - let's just - get through it."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire takes out the box of tissues again. This time, she leaves them out on her desk.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>As it turns out, Amethyst didn't need math to find Pearl. They find her five blocks from Vidalia's, on her knees, head resting against someone's mailbox, crying so hard her whole body lurches with it. Garnet leaves the engine running as Amethyst gets out first, biting her lip as the sound of Pearl's guttural sobbing goes through her. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Yo... Pearl. It's just me and Garnet," she calls softly. Pearl doesn't move, face pressed into her hands.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'mma come up next to you, okay?" She approaches tentatively, one step at a time, like they're kids playing grandma's footsteps. Eventually, she is level with Pearl, and sinks to her haunches beside her. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl... I'm sorry," she manages, not sure what else to say. "It's fucked up. The whole thing is fucked up. I'm so sorry. I ain't gonna act like you should be okay with it because it's... a mess." She sighs. "I suck at this stuff. But - I'm here, 'kay?" </p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl doesn't move, the tears dripping thick and fast down her wrists. Amethyst rests a hand on her heaving back, uncertain. She wants to pull Pearl close to her and let her sob her heart out into her shoulder, but remembering how she looked at Rose earlier makes her wary.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm here too." She hadn't even heard Garnet get out of the car. Garnet sits cross-legged on Pearl's right side, resting one large hand on her back, just above Amethyst's. "We've got you, Pearl."</p><p> </p><p><br/>The neighborhood they've stopped in is quiet, and the only sounds are the distant backfiring of a car, someone's dog barking, and Pearl's heartbreaking sobs, until - </p><p> </p><p><br/>"What was she thinking?" A few startled birds fly from a nearby rooftop. "She can't have a <em>baby</em>!"</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl - "</p><p> </p><p><br/>"She - " Amethyst yelps in surprise as Pearl punches the sidewalk with all of her strength, "can't - " draws her fist back, slams the other into the asphalt, "have - a - baby!" She punctuates the last three words with blows to the ground; knuckles bruising instantly. Droplets of blood spring to the surface, red as roses, where the skin breaks. All the while, she's crying desperately, the words coming like they're torn out of her through her tears.</p><p> </p><p><br/>It's a million miles from Pearl's usual composure and poise - she looks utterly deranged, a piece of flotsam thrown around by a storm of emotion. And Amethyst still loves her, loves the very bones of her, would willingly throw herself under Garnet's car if it could lessen her pain.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl!" Garnet has grabbed each of Pearl's fists in her own before Amethyst can, her hands gigantic compared to Pearl's, stopping her doing any further damage. "It's done. She made her decision. I know it's difficult - "</p><p> </p><p><br/>"<em>Don't</em> - " Pearl screams, inches from Garnet's face, " - tell me you know how I feel! You - <em>none</em> of you - can <em>ever</em> know how this feels!" </p><p> </p><p><br/>Amethyst watches with wide eyes. She's done some crazy shit in her time but even she'd think twice, and then maybe twice more, before yelling at someone like Garnet. Garnet doesn't react - at least, not that Amethyst can tell with those tinted glasses on. It makes her more nervous, not being able to see if Garnet's angry or not. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"I can't," she says, softly. "But I care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Please, Pearl..." Amethyst realises all of a sudden that Garnet is near tears. "Don't do this. Don't do this to <em>me</em>."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm - <em>sorry</em>! Will you - let me - <em>go</em>!" But Pearl continues to struggle furiously against Garnet's grip, gasping through her sobs, until she runs out of strength. Garnet stands slowly, pulls Pearl gently up by her forearms, and keeps her in place. Amethyst feels suddenly awkward watching them, like she's interrupted something. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl, we need you," Garnet tells her, voice steady and authoritative once again. "Amethyst needs you. I need you. You're doing so well and we're so proud. I'm not going to let you fall apart over Rose again."</p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl sucks in a rattling breath, breathing hard, tear-streaked face pinched with pain and fury. For a second it looks like she really is about to hit Garnet - but then she crumples, pitches forward into Garnet's waiting arms and collapses against her with an anguished howl of misery. Garnet gestures to Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Get in here."</p><p> </p><p><br/>So Amethyst steps forward, wraps her arms around Pearl and halfway around Garnet. Garnet's hand finds its way to Amethyst's shoulders, gives her a squeeze, and the pair of them hold Pearl steady as she cries and cries.</p><p> </p><p><br/>Eventually, the sky begins to darken, clouds rolling in angry and purple as a black eye. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"We need to go," Garnet says, gently. Pearl gulps and sniffs hard, scrubs a hand across her cheeks, wincing at her grazed knuckles. "Come on, you two. Amethyst, you sit in the back with Pearl."</p><p> </p><p><br/>They lead Pearl back to the car. Amethyst opens the door for her, worrying her lip at the checked-out look Pearl's red eyes have gotten.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Garnet, I'm worried about her," she whispers urgently as she closes the door after Pearl.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"She'll be fine," Garnet answers. "Eventually. Get in and buckle up."</p><p> </p><p><br/>So Amethyst obeys, feeling at a loss for what else to do as rain begins to spit down on the hood of Garnet's car.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Do you guys want me to drop you home?" Garnet asks, looking at them both in the rearview mirror as she adjusts it.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I want you to drop me at the bar," Pearl says chokily before Amethyst can get a word in. She hasn't even reached for her seatbelt, staring straight ahead, battered hands folded in her lap.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl - "</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Please," Pearl says imploringly. "I just - want to forget today ever happened."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"This isn't a good idea," Garnet admonishes.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'll stay with her," Amethyst volunteers, because the dead look in Pearl's eyes is frightening her and the last thing she wants is to leave her alone like this. With a sigh, she reaches across for Pearl's seatbelt, strapping her in with a metallic click. "See. All about safety. I got this, G."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I hope you know what you're doing," sighs Garnet resignedly, turning the key in the ignition.</p><p> </p><p><br/>Outside, the rain begins to pour. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Whoops," titters Pearl as she stumbles through the door to their apartment, half supported by Amethyst. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Easy, P," she huffs, fumbling behind her to lock the door as it swings shut behind them. She's amazed they'd managed to get from the cab to the door without Pearl falling over, especially with the steps slick from the rain.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm fine," she babbles, "I'm great. Honestly, never felt better. We should go to the bar more often."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Yeah?" smirks Amethyst, cheeks flushed. "Only if you're buyin'."</p><p> </p><p><br/>She isn't joking. Pearl has put away nine shots of tequila and a Cosmpolitan in the time it took Amethyst to finish three beers. Amethyst is astonished she's still standing, and equally astonished her credit card hadn't been declined. </p><p> </p><p><br/>She'd started talking in full sentences again around the third or fourth shot. By the seventh she'd been trying to get Amethyst to dance with her. At nine, Amethyst had cut her off, mostly because she'd got it into her head that she should call Rose and apologise for leaving so suddenly. The cocktail had been a distraction. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Amethyst," she whines, as she stumbles into the living room, "come cuddle me."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Gimme a sec," Amethyst says, midway through texting Garnet to let her know they're both home and alive. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"But I'm lonely," Pearl pouts, twirls on the spot, overbalances, and falls onto the couch. Amethyst giggles. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"God, you're a mess. Lemme just grab you a couple things." She heads to the kitchen, fills the biggest glass they have with water, and grabs a few bags of Chaaaps. The chips are hers, and sober Pearl would never go near them, but drunk Pearl needs the carbs. When she comes back with the provisions, Pearl is lying on her side, one arm dangling off the couch as she trails her fingers up and down the carpet.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Hey, you. Sit up, you gotta drink this." She helps Pearl sit upright and presses the water into her unsteady grip. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"You're looking after me," she whispers, before bringing the glass to her lips. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'll always look after you," says Amethyst without thinking. The beer has loosened her tongue, and she's nowhere near as drunk as Pearl, but well on her way to tipsy. "That's it, get it all down you, good girl."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Say it again," Pearl purrs. Amethyst blushes hard, all the way down to her chest, and pulls away.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"No, dweeb. Now eat these while I grab you a refill."</p><p> </p><p><br/>Once they're settled, Pearl slowly making her way through the chips, Amethyst flicks between stations on the TV, eventually settling on an old comedy both of them have seen and neither will be disappointed to miss. Pearl lolls against her, and she fishes in the first half-empty bag of chips for a handful of her own, feeling warm and fuzzy and good despite the hideous awkwardness of the afternoon. </p><p> </p><p><br/>She knows, of course, that this isn't sustainable. Pearl will sober up and freak out over Rose again and Amethyst will have to deal with it, act like it doesn't hurt, act like she isn't falling to pieces herself watching the girl she loves in love with someone else - but she can deal with it later. Now, she has Pearl's head on her shoulder, long legs spreadeagled across the couch, and there's nowhere else in the world Amethyst would rather be, no other company she'd prefer, no matter what mood or state of intoxication.</p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl sighs. "I'm sorry." She's stopped slurring her words now, thank God. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"What about?" Amethyst feigns ignorance, crunching a handful of Chaaaps.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Today. Rose. Everything." Amethyst feels rather than sees Pearl turn to look up at her, and pretends to be hunting for the last few chip shards because she doesn't trust herself to behave, not with Pearl at this distance, not three beers deep, with everything she's been yearning to say on the tip of her tongue...</p><p> </p><p><br/>"You know I love you." The words hit her like an anvil dropped on her head. She almost chokes. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl..."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I love you." Amethyst stares down at Pearl. She's flushed from the alcohol still, but her eyes are focused. "Rose is - God, it's so complicated. I'm mad and I'm sad and I don't know if I'll ever be okay with her, ever, but I don't want her. I want you. And I want you to want me, too."</p><p> </p><p><br/>Oh, hell. Pearl is sitting up, slipping her cardigan slowly off her shoulders, and this cannot be it, this <em>cannot</em> be the right moment - </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl, we can't," Amethyst stammers. "You're drunk. I'm drunk. Garnet would kill me for taking advantage of you - I'd never forgive myself - "</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I want this," Pearl reaffirms. Her hands are shaking as she moves to start unfastening the buttons on her dress.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl, stop," Amethyst manages. "I <em>don't</em>. Not like this."</p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl blinks, eyes wide. "Oh, God. Amethyst - I'm so sorry."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Shit, P, it's not like that - I just..." Amethyst whistles, tossing the Chaaaps aside. "I don't wanna do this now when I know you're still, like, obviously not dealing with everything from earlier. It's not how I planned it. It's not how I wanted this to go down." </p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl's eyes soften. "You... were planning for - that? With me?"</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Eventually, yeah," Amethyst mumbles, uncomfortable. "I wanted to like - make it special or whatever. I didn't expect you to be droppin' the L-word after gettin' wasted to deal with your ex getting knocked up and then tryin' to take your dress off, y'know."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm sorry," Pearl says again, sounding to Amethyst's horror like she's about to cry again. "I ruined everything."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl, hey, no, shhhh, don't you dare cry on me again," Amethyst says quickly, grabbing her hands. "You ain't ruined shit. I just don't want you jumpin' into something as... a distraction, y'know." She squeezes Pearl's hands gently, looking at the ruin of her knuckles. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"You're so much more than that," Pearl whispers. "I'm so sorry for making you feel like I was... using you."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Stop that," chides Amethyst softly. "And stay there while I get somethin' for your hands."</p><p> </p><p><br/>She takes a few long, deep breaths with her head in her closet after rummaging around for antiseptic and bandages, feeling much cooler and calmer when she rejoins Pearl. She's on her way to sober, now, Amethyst can tell - her posture has improved dramatically and she can see her eyes darting around as she folds her knees up to her chest, clearly mortified. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Yo," she says as she hauls herself back onto the couch. "Gimme those hands."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I..." Pearl's whole posture screams anxiety.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl," Amethyst says beeseechingly, "I ain't going anywhere. Let me help you."</p><p> </p><p><br/>Pearl complies, presenting her long thin hands palm-down to Amethyst. She winces as Amethyst cleans the split knuckles with the pungent antiseptic liquid, the purple-haired woman being as gentle as she can manage as she wipes dirt out of the grazed skin. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"You really went to town on yourself, huh," she murmurs, as she begins to dress Pearl's left hand. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm sorry," Pearl says in a small, contrite voice.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I swear to God if you apologise one more time I'm gonna throw you out the window."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I'm..." Pearl presses her bandaged hand to her mouth, clearly fighting to stop the taboo words slipping out. Amethyst smiles. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"You ain't gotta apologise to me. I still like you."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"You do?" Pearl asks, lowering her hand as Amethyst wraps gauze around her right knuckles. "Even after... earlier?"</p><p> </p><p><br/>Amethyst has no idea whether she means drunkenly throwing herself at Amethyst or having a nervous breakdown in a stranger's yard. Either way, her answer is the same. And an outrageous understatement.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Of course, silly," she reassures, neatly tying up the end of the bandage and letting go of Pearl's hand. She's quietly proud of her handiwork - you don't go through high school with a big sister into wrestling and MMA without getting pretty damn good at minor injury first aid. Pearl tests her range of movement, flexing her fingers. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"Thank you," she says, looking grateful but sad. "I don't deserve you."</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Pearl - it's me who doesn't deserve you!" Amethyst splutters. "You're amazing! Even when you're acting like a total nutjob and beating the crap out of the sidewalk. You're smart and you're beautiful and you always try so damn hard at everything, all the time, and if Rose couldn't see that - " Pearl flinches at the name, " - then she's stupid, because you are incredible, Pearl."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst's face is burning as the words spill out, but she can't stop, needing Pearl to understand, to see what Amethyst sees.</p><p> </p><p>"You are incredible," she repeats, "and Rose was never some - some pre-determined future for you! She doesn't own you and you will go on to keep being incredible without her. She's gonna be stuck home raising the spawn of Greg and you - you can do anything. Travel, dance, take over the world, be whoever you wanna be, date whoever you wanna date..." Amethyst realizes she's babbling, and finally trails off, embarrassed at her candour. </p><p> </p><p><br/>"You really mean that." It's a statement, not a question. Pearl's eyes are full of wonder. The look on her face makes Amethyst want to run and hide.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Psh, well... yeah. You've got a whole life that Rose has nothing to do with. You can do whatever you wanna do," Amethyst stumbles bashfully, until she feels warm, smooth fingertips and the soft friction of bandages against her face.</p><p> </p><p><br/>"I can do whatever I want to do," Pearl echoes, cupping her face, leaning in so close Amethyst can feel the feathery tickle of each exhale against her skin. "And I want to do <em>this</em>."</p><p> </p><p><br/>It's far from the perfect moment but, as Pearl's soft lips finally press against hers, Amethyst can't envision herself ever complaining. She lets Pearl kiss her, waits until she pulls away, not moving a muscle. </p><p> </p><p>"I need to know," she says, voice catching as her heart begins to thump wildly, "that you're not going to regret this. I don't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna screw this up." She is furious as she realises her eyes are prickling, even as she reaches out for Pearl, wanting to hold her, needing to be held <em>by</em> her.</p><p> </p><p>"I never could," Pearl murmurs against her lips. "You're... wonderful. You're <em>glorious</em>. I've wanted this for so long. Please," she breathes, pulling back just enough to lock eyes with Amethyst, nose to nose, "believe me when I say that I love you. Just you. Exactly as you are."</p><p> </p><p>And that's all it takes, the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. Her will to resist is shattered as Pearl's lips brush hers again.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst surges against Pearl, one hand curling into the hair at her nape, the other pulling her in by the waist, kissing her hot and fierce like her life depends on it. She can feel Pearl smiling against her mouth as she kisses back with equal fervour, and Amethyst feels a tear splash down her cheek, wipes it away impatiently before returning her hands to Pearl. Now she's started, she never wants to stop touching her. </p><p> </p><p>"I love you," she breathes against Pearl's neck, as she climbs into the taller woman's lap, nuzzling the delicate skin as Pearl presses kisses into her hair.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you," she murmurs as she's lifted up, wrapping her legs around Pearl as she carries her to the bedroom, lays her gently on the bed and stares down at her so reverently Amethyst has to grab her and kiss her before she cries again.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you," she says, as she flips Pearl over, straddles her waist, holds the bandaged hands in her own as she presses her to the bed and kisses her brow, her cheeks, her throat.</p><p> </p><p>And Pearl says it back, over and over again, gasped against her mouth and whispered into the shell of her ear and moaned into the curve of her neck - as they kiss, as they undress, as they fall into bed with the TV still running in the next room and the rain hammering on the window outside.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"...So, yeah, that's pretty much how we got started," says Amethyst, tugging awkwardly at her collar. Sapphire coughs politely.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl, though, is still and silent in her chair, a bouquet of tissues gathered in her lap. Amethyst gets the feeling she's driving them home again tonight. </p><p> </p><p>"Many couples who rush into intimate relationships find that their emotional connection disappears as soon as the initial physical attraction is resolved."</p><p> </p><p>"'Resolved'?" Amethyst frowns, then realizes, a moment too late. "Jeez, yeah, okay, gotcha." Sapphire's face is unreadable.</p><p> </p><p>"Every relationship is unique. However, having a strong emotional foundation before that bond is complicated by chemical responses linked to arousal can often support a healthy relationship going forward." She smiles. "I think we've discussed a range of difficult topics this afternoon, and it would be wise for you to plan an evening with minimal stress - and ideally, something you can both do to relax and distract you from any emotions that have been disturbed during our session today."</p><p> </p><p>"Can do, doc," Amethyst gives a smile she doesn't mean. "Same time next week?"</p><p> </p><p>"If that suits both of you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sure it does. C'mon, Pearl." Pearl stands, slowly, murmuring her thanks to Sapphire as Amethyst holds the door open and they begin the walk to the parking lot. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst doesn't have a clue what to say to Pearl. It's fucked up - that's her <em>wife</em>. She wants to ask what's up, but that seems ridiculous - they've been sat in the same damn appointment, after all. She feels like a douche for not holding her hand or putting an arm around her, but that's just... not what they do, nowadays. Pearl walks briskly, slightly ahead of her, head ducked so Amethyst can't see her expression. Her walls are all the way up. She doesn't even let Amethyst see her cry anymore.</p><p> </p><p>As she unlocks the car, Amethyst sighs. She has to say <em>something</em>, can't face the thought of another journey home like last week. Steeling herself, she opens the car door and gets in; Pearl already halfway into the front passenger seat.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, hey, look, I - "</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's lips slam into hers before she can speak, so sudden she nearly cracks her head on the driver's side window. Surprise ripples through her like a frisson of electricity. They haven't kissed in months. She's slow to react but when she does, she grabs Pearl so tightly by the shoulders she's sure to leave a mark, and they kiss furiously, teeth grazing lips, nails dragging along skin. </p><p> </p><p>"What time did Garnet say she could watch Opal 'til?" Pearl gasps, as she draws back, both of them trembling.</p><p> </p><p>"Eight," murmurs Amethyst. </p><p> </p><p>"Take me home." Pearl's pupils are blown wide, tears still clinging to the lashes.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, we need to t-"</p><p> </p><p>"I need this. I need <em>you</em>." Pearl's voice, hot and urgent, drops into the lower register that Amethyst remembers from pillow talk of days gone by. Her core tightens at the sound. Pearl pulls away properly, drops into her seat, lips swollen as she buckles herself in. "Take me <em>home</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst fastens her seat belt with an unsteady hand, and starts the car.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. your body may be gone, i'm gonna carry you in (in my head, in my heart, in my soul)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet make a promise; and Greg delivers some mail. In the present, the couple try to curb their bad habits.</p><p>Content note: This chapter contains implied/ referenced sexual content, references to death in childbirth, and non-explicit mention of suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution if these topics are especially difficult for you.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Yo." Amethyst knocks on the frame of the open bedroom door. Pearl is at the vanity, facing away from her, midway through taking off her makeup. "Mind if I come in?"</p><p> </p><p>"Go ahead," Pearl says, without turning around. "Is Opal asleep?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, out like a light. Garnet tuckered her out good and proper." Amethyst sits on the end of the bed, smoothing the comforter. The bed had been hastily remade earlier in their scramble to get dressed, before Pearl collected Opal and Amethyst fixed dinner. "We need to talk. About earlier."</p><p> </p><p>"Must we?" Pearl sighs, looking at Amethyst in the mirror as she dabs moisturiser under her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, dude. You used me," Amethyst replies frankly. "That shit ain't okay."</p><p> </p><p>"I did no such thing." Pearl's voice turns brittle as she faces Amethyst. </p><p> </p><p>"We haven't done <em>that</em> in a year and you suddenly decide you're in the mood, when we've spent an hour talking about Rose and all that shit from years ago?" Amethyst challenges. </p><p> </p><p>"I needed a distraction. You were nearest. And far from unwilling, I seem to recall."</p><p> </p><p>"You are ice fucking cold, you know that?" Amethyst scoffs. "I don't want you to use our marriage - to use <em>me</em> like a band-aid for all your hangups. You can't screw me because you hate yourself, or ‘cause you hate thinking about how you messed up in the past, or whatever."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl narrows her eyes. "Oh, as if you're any better."</p><p> </p><p>"Meaning?"</p><p> </p><p>"You're <em>obsessed</em> with proving yourself - living up to some impossible standard that nobody other than you cares about!" Pearl exclaims. "You are a bottomless pit of self-loathing, Amethyst. I have tried for so long to make you feel like you're enough, and I am exhausted. So please don't try to act as though you're so above it all."</p><p> </p><p>"You're a freakin' hypocrite," Amethyst snaps, and then her eyes widen. "We're doing it again."</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Taking it out on each other when we feel like crap."</p><p> </p><p>They stare at each other, Pearl's nostrils flared in anger, Amethyst's hands balled into fists. Pearl breaks first, dropping her shoulders and sighing. </p><p> </p><p>"You're right. And I'm... sorry. About earlier. It wasn't fair."</p><p> </p><p>"I mean, it wasn't - bad," Amethyst says awkwardly. "The sex. I just - don't want it when I know you're just doin' it to take your mind off all the dark shit."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't just..." Pearl begins, then stops herself. "I <em>was</em> doing it to take my mind off things, but you're still - it's not that I don't - " She puts her head in her hands. "I wouldn't be able to do it if I didn't still find you... appealing."</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," Amethyst laughs. "Eleven years, half the dictionary stored up in your head, and <em>'appealing</em>' is the best you can give me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl says, exhausted. "Can we not?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry. But... we should prob'ly actually talk, about earlier, rather than... y'know. Distracting ourselves." Amethyst says, with a grimace, jerking her thumb over her shoulder to indicate the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"I hate talking about that time," Pearl manages, lifting her head minutely. "I was a mess. Everything was a mess. I would have done so many things differently."</p><p> </p><p>"Like what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Treated you better. Been less of an ass to Greg." Pearl bites her lip, straightening up. "Called her back. Even just once. She tried so hard, up until..."</p><p> </p><p>"It wouldn't have changed what happened."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," Pearl agrees. "But I wouldn't feel as awful about it."</p><p> </p><p>"I was thinkin' - " Amethyst starts, hesitant, " - if I'd been more like her, maybe you'd have been happier." She gives a mirthless little laugh. "I bet you and Rose wouldn't have needed marriage counselling."</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't have been able to admit it if we did. I had a blind spot, when it came to her," Pearl admits. "I thought she was perfect. It's why I hate talking about it. She was my <em>world</em> for such a long time. But remembering how she could be, sometimes - she just... did whatever she wanted.”</p><p> </p><p>”No kidding,” Amethyst mutters, rolling her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>”She never meant to hurt anyone, but... she didn’t think things through. Not enough to realize her actions had consequences. I feel foolish for being so devoted to her, even after she chose Greg."</p><p> </p><p>"You were young."</p><p> </p><p>"So was she," Pearl smiles sadly. "Twenty-five. I wonder what she might have been doing, all this time?"</p><p> </p><p>"Prob'ly being the world's most extra soccer mom," Amethyst ventures.</p><p> </p><p>"Steven doesn't play soccer."</p><p> </p><p>"Fine, band mom," Amethyst concedes. "Maybe would've had another kid or five. Still a one-woman Mr. Universe fan club. Be lyin' to Greg that you can hardly see the bald spot." She sighs, finding the anger she'd been nursing has fizzled out, leaving a hollow sadness tinged with guilt. "I bet she'd love Opal. She'd have been super jazzed for you having a kid."</p><p> </p><p>In her mind's eye, an image appears unbidden - two happy families on the beach; four adults laughing together while Steven and Opal built sandcastles, chased crabs, paddled in the surf. She wonders if Rose would have grey hairs and lines by now, like the rest of them; having weathered the sleepless newborn stage, the annihilating toddler tantrums, the fretting, the frustration, the maternal love so raw and intense it <em>hurt. </em>Rose, she knows, without any shadow of doubt in her mind, would have been an amazing mom. </p><p> </p><p>"What would she think of me?" Pearl wonders aloud, staring at her hands through glistening eyes. "Would she ever have forgiven me, for how I acted? If we'd had more time?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst deliberates for a long moment before opening her arms. Pearl hesitates, holding back, before she crosses the bedroom floor and walks into Amethyst's embrace. </p><p> </p><p>"She'd think you were great," Amethyst murmurs, stroking Pearl's back as she begins to cry. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"How are we this afternoon?" Sapphire asks, one week later.</p><p> </p><p>"We're... okay," Pearl says, with difficulty. "I've been finding it hard, thinking about - Rose. About things that happened back then. Everything was such a nightmare." She gives Amethyst an apologetic glance. "Apart from Amethyst. She's the one good thing that came out of this mess."</p><p> </p><p>"And Steven," adds Amethyst. Pearl nods quickly.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course - and Steven." </p><p> </p><p>"How have you two been getting along?"</p><p> </p><p>They look at each other. The last week has been... odd. Amethyst is still bedding down on the couch, but the tension in the house has diminished a little, like the lifting of pressure after a storm. The politeness they affect around their daughter is less forced, the glares less frequent, the passive-aggression less overt.</p><p> </p><p>Twice they'd nearly come to blows over domestic issues - a ruined cashmere sweater of Pearl's that Amethyst had mistakenly thrown in the laundry, and a particularly draining bedtime stand-off with Opal that had left all three of them exhausted, fractious and inclined to tears. A month ago, either incident would have triggered cross words, hasty accusations, and slammed doors.</p><p> </p><p>But being made to reflect on their beginning - and all the arguments they had back in their first apartment; as roommates, then friends, then everything after - has reminded both of them of not just their propensity for bickering, but their capacity to forgive one another. Amethyst had apologised and offered to buy Pearl a new sweater; and, after a half-hour to cool off, they'd actually shared a glass of wine and a mutual accord on the relentlessness of parenting. </p><p> </p><p>It's been months since they last felt like they were working together, rather than against one another. The sense of camaraderie isn't new, but long-dormant, and both of them are nervous as they test the waters. But for now, at least, the simple act of talking to one another doesn't feel like as onerous a task.</p><p> </p><p>"We're... a little better," Amethyst says, watching Pearl for signs of dissent. She flashes Amethyst a quick smile of reassurance, nodding in agreement. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm conscious that when we last met, you were talking about the events leading up to Rose's passing," Sapphire says gently. Pearl notices that the box of tissues is out on her desk, wonders if she left them there all week or whether they've been brought out specifically ahead of their appointment. "I know that this is going to be a very difficult topic for both of you, and I want to commend you for coming back here again. It takes a lot of strength to move on from the past, and process what can be incredibly complex feelings around the death of a loved one."</p><p> </p><p>"I can do it," Pearl sighs, resolute but full of trepidation. "I know we need to talk about this. It's just... hard."</p><p> </p><p>"If at any time you feel overwhelmed, we can move on and discuss other things. Now that we're a few sessions in, I have some exercises for you to try between sessions to support you in starting to rebuild your channels of communication."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, jeez," Amethyst chuckles, "We get homework. Pearl's gonna love this. Do we get graded?" </p><p> </p><p>"I will not be grading you," Sapphire smiles. "Nor do I have stickers."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't even - "</p><p> </p><p>"You were about to." Sapphire's smile fades as she crosses her hands. "Let us carry on where we left off. You two had just established your relationship."</p><p> </p><p>"Never heard it called that before," mutters Amethyst. Pearl gives her a swift kick in the ankle, cringing. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you always used humor as a defense mechanism when you feel uncomfortable?" Sapphire asks evenly. It's Amethyst's turn to blush, now. </p><p> </p><p>"Kinda," she mumbles. "Mom was gone, Dad was away on the trucks a whole bunch, Jasper - my big sis - was like, old enough to really understand the divorce and crazy angry all the time. I guess I just... started tryin' to make people laugh. If they're laughin' with you they ain't laughing at you, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's a common habit. However, during these sessions, it is important that we learn to sit with our feelings and work through any discomfort we may have in doing that." It's a reprimand, but a gentle one. Amethyst shrinks back a little in her chair, giving an awkward thumbs-up.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, are you ready for us to go on?" </p><p> </p><p>She swallows, locks her fingers together, and forces herself to nod. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm ready," she lies.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Pearl? Oh, thank God you picked up - it's Greg. Don't hang up! The baby's here. It's a boy. It's a boy, but - Pearl, listen. Rose is sick - really sick. Something went wrong. The doctors say - oh, jeez. They say it doesn't look good. Please, get here as soon as you can."</p><p> </p><p>The words hadn't made sense, as incomprehensible as a foreign language. She hadn't believed it - hadn't wanted to believe it. But the panic in Greg's voice was more eloquent than words and she'd known, even as she called Garnet and they raced to the hospital, that it was serious. And they'd still been too late.</p><p> </p><p>Postpartum haemorrhage. Pearl has looked up the statistics. The chance of it happening is slim, the chance of it being fatal even slimmer. Rose had always been one to buck trends. </p><p> </p><p>And now Rose is... gone. And she’s still here, somehow - heart still beating, blood still flowing, lungs still taking in oxygen in a Roseless world. How can that be? Surely she should have ceased to exist, too, the moment Rose‘s last breath left her lips. It's too cruel, too much to bear, that she has to carry on living. She wishes more than anything that she were dead, too. </p><p> </p><p>She’d said as much - screamed it, really - after she ran out of the hospital. Garnet had restrained her and dragged her back when she'd gotten near the highway. </p><p> </p><p>She supposes, dully, that she should thank her, but right now she's furious with Garnet for forcing her to keep limping through this miserable shipwreck of an existence. Every time she wakes up she has to remember again, and the gaping wound of her loss is ripped open to bleed anew.</p><p> </p><p>The grief is physically painful, burning her throat, twisting her gut, gnawing at her ribs. Nothing and nobody - not even Amethyst, although she knows it’s eating her alive - can help. </p><p> </p><p>Garnet’s car is in the shop, so she and Amethyst had caught the bus to church, sweating in the August heat. She hasn’t set foot in a house of worship in years, and felt sick and shaky from the second they stepped into the churchyard, feeling relieved at least that she won't have to go inside.</p><p> </p><p>There's no visitation, just a simple graveside address, so the casket is already closed; for which Pearl is grateful. It had destroyed her, seeing the body. Pale and still and lifeless, not yet cold when Pearl had clasped the hand of the corpse which until recently had been Rose, laughing and alive. But she’d insisted upon seeing it, refusing to believe Greg or the doctor until she'd seen the evidence for herself, confirming the awful truth with her own two eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Nobody from Rose’s family arrives. Pearl is glad of that. Rose would have hated seeing them crying over her death when they never made an effort to understand her while she was alive. It’s a tiny congregation - the three of them, Greg, the baby and the priest. Bismuth couldn’t make it; Vidalia couldn't get a sitter; and Lapis and Peridot never knew Rose, only her reputation.</p><p> </p><p>None of them knew her like Pearl did. </p><p> </p><p>She hadn’t wanted to attend the burial but Greg, of all people, had implored her to come; calling her on Garnet's cell after she blocked his number.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you can't stand me,” he’d said down the phone, voice thick with emotion. “I’d hate me too. But please. You have to come. For her. And for Steven.” There'd been a long pause, an infant’s fussing in the background. “She... would’ve wanted you to be there. And you should be able to... you deserve to say...” A muffled sob, low and broken. "...Goodbye."</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't hate him. Not really. She hates <em>herself: </em>nurturing her self-loathing every waking moment, raking over every Rose-adjacent action and inaction from the last ten years, dredging up more regrets to self-flagellate with. It gives her a focus, a kind of distraction from the yawning chasm of hopelessness and grief. Hate is easier to handle than loss. </p><p> </p><p>She'd been studiedly ignoring Rose's calls since that disaster of a baby shower, letting them run to voicemail or rejecting them outright. But Rose, as always, was nothing if not determined in the face of adversity; and she'd kept calling, kept trying, kept reaching out.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>After they gotten home from the hospital later that day - the worst day of Pearl’s life - she'd listened to every single neglected voicemail over and over; committing them to memory, like learning catechisms. She'd been so, so happy - happy with Greg, happy about the baby coming -  not knowing she only had months, weeks, hours left to live.</p><p> </p><p>Would she have done things differently if she’d had known, Pearl wonders? She certainly would. She despises herself and her pettiness and her spite and her selfishness, all the things that kept her from returning Rose’s calls until it was far too late. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl, it’s me. How are you? I hope you’re doing okay, and remembering to eat, and looking after yourself. I know you’re mad and things have been really weird between us, but I miss you and I want to see you. You’ll always be my Pearl, no matter what. Please... call me so we can talk.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Pearl, Garnet told me about you and Amethyst. I’m so happy for you - so proud of you - I bet you look so good together! I want to hear every detail. I wish you could see me right now - I’m huge, it’s such an amazing feeling, creating another life! Call me. I miss you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It’s Rose! You already know that, you have call ID. The baby is kicking so much right now, it’s amazing! I can’t believe I’m going to be a mom in less than a month. We’re still looking for an apartment but I know we’ll find the perfect place eventually. Call me? </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>Pearl, oh my God, this is it! I can’t believe I get to meet my baby so soon - Greg, honey, that’s not a muslin, that’s a dishcloth - I really, </em>really <em>want you to come see us. I want you to be the first one they meet after Greg and me. Okay - whew - we’re headed to the hospital - God, it’s such an incredible experience - but seriously, we’re going, or I’m going to have the baby in the back of the van. This is s- ooh, ooh, okay, breathing - this is so exciting! I’ll call you after it’s all over! </em></p><p> </p><p>She didn’t get chance to call, obviously. </p><p> </p><p>And now the baby she was so excited to meet is going to grow up motherless. Pearl wants to hate it. She hates everything it represents, hates the fact that Rose died bringing it into the world, hates the fact that it is all she has left of her. But she can't hate <em>it</em>. It would be anathema to her, to hate something Rose made.</p><p> </p><p>The service is blessedly short. Pearl doesn’t join in with the hymn, stands still, eyes trained on the casket. It’s hardwood. Rose would have <em>hated</em> that. She would have wanted wicker, or cremation. She could have ranted for days about the capitalist nature of the funeral industry, how it commercialised grief and forced people to ritualise <em>en masse</em> rather than processing their emotions as individuals. Greg has, once again, screwed up.</p><p> </p><p>He’s standing nearest the grave, shushing the baby as it fusses in his arms. When she’d been half-persuaded, half-carried back into the hospital, Greg had kept his distance but pointed out the squirming bundle in the plastic hospital crib. She hasn’t seen the baby since that day - the day it was born, the day it killed Rose. </p><p> </p><p><em>No</em>, she rebukes herself. This isn’t the baby’s fault. It - <em>he</em> - didn’t ask to be born. But she’d still balked at the idea of holding him. She wasn’t ready. Not yet.</p><p> </p><p>She peers at the baby again. Small, red-faced, squalling like every other infant. Lots of hair, Pearl notices. She wonders if someday he’ll get Rose’s curls. </p><p> </p><p>Greg had given her a lock of hair - "to remember her by", he'd said. She despised him for it. She wanted Rose, alive, here, now, not a hunk of pink keratin. How dare he assume Pearl needed objects to remember her, when she’ll be remembering Rose whether she wants to or not every second of every day for the rest of her miserable life.</p><p> </p><p>(She'd taken it anyway.)</p><p> </p><p>They'd each been given a single pink rose to throw onto the casket at the proper moment. Greg got that wrong, too. She would have wanted <em>hibiscus syriacus - </em>they'd always been her favorite.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl twists her flower this way and that by the stem as the priest drones on, barely listening to the address - trite words about love outlasting death and how Rose's legacy would live on in their hearts and her child. It's all so staid. It doesn't suit Rose at all.</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl,” Garnet prompts her quietly. She starts, staring around wildly. “It’s time.”</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t know how she manages it, after, sure she'll collapse as the casket is lowered. But somehow, unbelievably, she does: hears her own hoarse voice echo the words of Ecclesiastes in a monotone; watches her own shaking hand as it dips into the mound of cool fresh-dug earth, tosses the handful into the grave; sees the rose tumble from her grip, turning through the air until it lands on the casket.</p><p> </p><p>The baby is crying now as if he can sense the waves of grief rolling off them. Amethyst is ashen and silent next to her, hands balled up at her sides. She’d wrenched her hand free of her girlfriend’s grip as they’d approached the church, memories of Sunday mass and the promise of eternal damnation bringing her out in cold pinpricks of sweat. Amethyst had looked wounded but said nothing.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet has taken off her dark glasses as a mark of respect and Pearl marvels at her stoicism, wonders how much pain she is silently enduring from her sensitive eyes. Greg looks almost as broken as Pearl feels; eyes hollow, staring at the casket as though he wishes he could crawl into the grave, too. </p><p> </p><p>The priest leads the final blessing and they all murmur an 'Amen', before they are bidden to go in peace. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you guys for coming,” Greg says, managing a watery smile as he hitches the baby onto his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"We wouldn't have missed it," Garnet tells him. "Thank you for inviting us."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't mention it," Greg says, patting the baby's back, weathered hand nearly spanning the full breadth of the tiny shoulders. "So... obviously there isn’t a will, y'know? We never thought..." He breaks off, shoulders sagging. "The one thing I do know Rose wanted was for all of you to be a part of Steven’s life. She talked about it all the time. She had all these ideas... "</p><p> </p><p>His voice falters. Pearl stares at the ground, face pinched with disgust. How dare he stand here soliciting their sympathy, when he's the reason she's gone?</p><p> </p><p>"She wanted us all to help each other out as he got older," Greg continues, voice shaking. "I mean - Pearl knew her way before I did." She feels herself twitch involuntarily when he utters her name. "There’s so much that I can’t even begin tell him about. Please..." he implores, "Don’t be strangers. I kind of need all the help I can get."</p><p> </p><p>"We'll be happy to help," Garnet answers for them, placing a hand on Pearl and Amethyst's shoulders. Amethyst nods, as she scuffs the toe of her dress shoe on the ground. Pearl continues to bore a hole in the gravel with her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, Garnet," Greg says thickly. "It means a lot. And Steven’s gonna love you. Aren’t you, schtu-ball?" He brightens as he addresses the baby, an exercise which seems pointless to Pearl. <em>It can't talk back. It can't understand you. Who are you doing this</em> for<em>?</em> "You excited to get to know your aunts?"</p><p> </p><p>"I’m not sure if I’m aunt material," says Amethyst dubiously. "But hey... I can be like - a cool big sister, who teaches him to burp the ABCs and sneak out past curfew?"</p><p> </p><p>"Quit foolin’. This little dude is never gonna have a curfew, isn’t that right, buddy?" Greg chuckles, smiling down at his son. "Hey, Garnet, would you mind taking him a sec?"</p><p> </p><p>"No problem," Garnet holds out her arms. The baby burbles as he's passed across, chubby fist flapping aimlessly. </p><p> </p><p>"Ookie pookie, just support his head and... You got it!" Greg tickles the baby under the chin, before clearing his throat. "Say, um... Pearl, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"</p><p> </p><p>"You may not." Pearl wheels around and starts to walk out of the churchyard. She's done what she had to do, and doesn't want to spend another second in this place. She hears Amethyst call her name as Garnet cuts in with "Let her go. She isn't going to go far."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl. Hey, Pearl, wait up!" She can hear him panting as he runs to catch her up. He flanks her, then skids to a stop in front of her, blocking her path.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm... so sorry. About everything. But this," he puffs, produces an envelope from inside his ill-fitted suit jacket, "is for you. From - "</p><p> </p><p>"I know who it's from," whispers Pearl, reaching out a hand. She can see her name, written in Rose's flowing italics. "When?" she demands, more forcefully.</p><p> </p><p>"About a month before... before Steven was born," Greg says, with difficulty. "She wrote a whole bunch of letters the last few months she was pregnant - made a few videotapes too, for the baby, when they were older, so th-they'd always know how much she loved them, even b-before they arrived." He turns away, overcome, wiping his eyes before he looks back at Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"She said - she said she wanted to bring a new life into the world without any regrets or secrets." He smiles sadly. "Wanted to cleanse herself of negative energy. She got worried it might be bad for the baby."</p><p> </p><p>God. It’s so <em>her</em>. Worried about whether an infant might be affected by bad vibes, but no qualms about spending her life with a failed musician working at a car wash. </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't read it," Greg says awkwardly. "I don't have addresses for half the people she wrote - and I figured she wouldn't want the letters to her sisters mailing. I just..." He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I know how you felt about her. And I thought... You're the only other person who gets what this feels like. If you ever want to talk - "</p><p> </p><p>She is already walking away, out of the churchyard. Greg sighs resignedly, mops his brow, and goes to relieve Garnet.</p><p> </p><p>Under the shade of a poplar just outside the gates of the church, she opens the envelope - carefully, oh, so carefully, terrified of ripping the paper. Her hands are trembling so hard she has difficulty unfolding the letter within, knees buckling beneath her as her eyes rove over the neat lines of Rose's looping cursive: more familiar than scripture; more beautiful than any calligraphy; more precious than any illumination.</p><p> </p><p>A sob cracks out of her as she traces the letters of her own name with a fingertip, effortlessly imagining the shape of Rose's hand on the pen, the look of concentration on her face as she wrote, the satisfied smile as she reread her completed work. She can't help but put Rose's voice to the words as she reads, the familiar cadence and rhythm flooding her mind as easily as breathing.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Pearl. My darling Pearl.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I love you so very much. Can you believe that? Of course you can’t. I know you, sweetheart. But you are so loved. I wish we hadn’t ended up this way but I couldn’t be you what you needed me to be. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>This baby has changed everything. I finally feel like I’m really a part of something. They’re not like me or like Greg - they’re going to be entirely themselves. Isn’t it amazing? I want you to see them, when they’re here, when you’re ready. You’re a part of our family, and I want them to love you as much as I do. They’re going to love hearing all our stories about Pearl the renegade - breaking all the rules, surpassing what anyone ever expected of her, fighting for the right to be her own person. You’re going to be an inspiration, I’ll make sure of it. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I’m so proud of you, so glad to be a part of your life. No matter what else has happened, I’m thankful for you. And I love you. I want you to be happy. Please, if you don’t do anything else, do that for me. Love yourself the way I love you, and surround yourself with people who care about you. I know you probably don’t understand what I mean, yet; but I believe in you and I know that you will, one day. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>Be happy, Pearl. I am. And I want the same for you. I never stopped loving you, I want you to know that you’re wonderful and I’m so sorry. It breaks my heart knowing I hurt you. I wish we could talk. But you’re not ready. I don't expect you to understand what I'm doing or why but I hope you can be happy for me. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>I hope you’re ready to talk one day soon. I’ll be waiting. I’ll wait for you ‘til the end of time, if that’s what you need. </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>Ever your loving,</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>Rose </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Pearl panics as a tear drops onto the page, smudging the ink where it lands. She scrubs her face furiously with the sleeves of her dress; then turns the paper over in her hands, shakes out the envelope, holds the letter up to the light. But there is nothing more - no hidden message, no postscript, nothing enclosed. It's the last message from Rose she'll ever receive; paradoxically both more than she ever could have wished for and woefully insufficient.</p><p> </p><p>She stays there until Garnet and Amethyst find her; kneeling in the dust, rereading Rose's letter until her vision is too blurred to decipher one word from the next. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After Greg takes Steven home, the three of them are at a loss for what to do next. All of them have taken a full afternoon off and nobody feels much like going home.</p><p> </p><p>They walk back into town from the cemetery while the sun beats down, obnoxiously bright, and Garnet and Amethyst deliberate possible options. Pearl has no opinion, but drifts alongside them silently; equally apathetic towards any possible way of spending her time that isn't listening to Rose's voicemails, reading Rose's letter, or looking at Rose's photograph.</p><p> </p><p>They end up at the bar, which is crowded - there’s a baseball game on and people are hemmed in around the TV screens, with an occasional roar of triumph or groan of commiseration. Pearl can’t see the screen from their booth so has no idea who’s playing. She doesn’t care.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t care about anything much, at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst gets them drinks, and they sit in silence. Her hands are gripping her vodka soda so tightly she’s surprised the glass hasn’t shattered. Amethyst is peeling the label off her bottle of beer. Garnet is drinking an iced tea, looking solemn behind her lenses.</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl. Amethyst.” Amethyst looks up. Pearl doesn't lift her gaze, staring at a droplet of condensation as it rolls down the side of her glass.</p><p> </p><p>“I hope you listened to what Greg said. Rose wanted us to be a part of baby Steven’s life. It’s important that we honour her wishes and support Greg - regardless of how hard it might be for us."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst makes a derisive noise at the back of her throat. “You and Rose and Pearl knew each other for like, a million years before I ever showed up. What d’you need me for?" </p><p> </p><p>"You have a lot to offer, Amethyst. Don’t talk yourself down." Garnet sips her drink. "Steven will think you’re awesome."</p><p> </p><p>"Alright, but don’t expect me to change any diapers,” Amethyst says, wrinkling her nose. Garnet lays a hand on Pearl's forearm.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl. I know this is going to be painful for you. But Rose is a part of Steven, and he’s going to grow up with questions about her that Greg can’t answer. If you ever really loved her, you’ll do it for him."</p><p> </p><p><em>Steven</em>. She sighs morosely, leaning back in her seat, facing away from Garnet. Her mind drifts as she takes a long sip of her drink.</p><p> </p><p>He is unique. He will make his own life. None of the things that have happened before are his fault.</p><p> </p><p>She’ll get there. She can - she will do the right thing. She just needs time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sapphires are blue,<br/>rubies are red,<br/>our ship is now sailing,<br/>but rose is still dead. </p><p>this author likes angst<br/>as you surely can tell: <br/>i take all our favourites <br/>then put them through hell.  </p><p>(my Wallace Stevens award is clearly just lost in the pandemic mail)</p><p>I was really keen to give both Pearl and Amethyst a chance to reflect more on how they feel about Rose; given the time that’s passed and how they’ve both matured since her death. She’s definitely not something they’ve discussed often, if at all; and to those who felt I was doing Rose dirty in the earlier chapters, I hope her portrayal is more balanced now.</p><p>I truly believe she Rose did love Pearl but just couldn’t commit herself to one person; not because she was inherently flighty or unfaithful, but because she loved so! much and so! enthusiastically it wasn’t possible for her to limit herself to one person at a time. </p><p>(Side note: I am a huge fan of NobodyDied!AU poly Pearl/Rose/Greg as I feel that, given time and opportunity, Greg and Pearl could’ve become happy, communicative metamours each enjoying a very different kind of relationship with the woman they both adored.)</p><p>also I make no apologies for the amount of crying in this fic, though it’s something that I notice every time I proofread/ read over existing chapters. therapy is Hard and Pearl especially is canonically a crier.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. when the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up, she knows she's losing it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl spirals out of control, and Amethyst makes a difficult judgement call. In the present, Sapphire makes some shrewd observations.</p><p>Content note - this chapter contains drug and alcohol abuse, smoking, and references to the following: vomiting, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, homophobia in religious settings, homophobic bullying, conversation therapies, disordered eating/ maladaptive behaviours around food, psychological therapy, antidepressants, and mental illness. Basically - this chapter is heavy as all get-out.</p><p>Those who may be affected by the topics listed should skip the chapter or read with extreme caution.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I never knew what was in that letter," Amethyst says awkwardly. "I didn't know she was all... y'know. Still into you."</p><p> </p><p>"She wasn't. Not the way I'd loved her," Pearl sighs. "She just... couldn't fit her feelings into neat little boxes. It wasn't her way."</p><p> </p><p>"It seems as though you were trying to work through some extremely complicated feelings around the circumstances of Rose's passing," Sapphire summarises. "And of course, at the centre of it all was Steven. How long did it take for your discomfort around him to pass?"</p><p> </p><p>"...Most of that first year," Pearl admits, guilty and miserable. "I feel awful about it now. I missed so much."</p><p> </p><p>"Not like he was old enough to notice," Amethyst offers, by way of reassurance. "He was just a li'l meatball. Point is, you tried." She glances back to Sapphire with a grimace. "She couldn't, like, hold him without crying for the longest time. Called him Rose more than once. Wasn't exactly Greg's first choice of babysitter."</p><p> </p><p>"Grief is an incredibly powerful emotion, and it is perfectly normal for the impact on those left behind to be profound and lasting", Sapphire replies soothingly. "So, Pearl: tell me more about that first year, how you began to process your loss and work towards being involved in Steven's life."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst looks at Pearl, who seems to shrivel in on herself in her chair. Amethyst raises her eyebrows. </p><p> </p><p>"C'mon. Gotta get all the skeletons out the closet, P."</p><p> </p><p>"I can't", she manages in a mortified whisper. Amethyst's face softens. </p><p> </p><p>"Want me to get it over with?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl gives a tiny nod, head bent low. Amethyst sighs, bracing herself. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, so what you gotta remember is we were all, y'know, kind of a mess dealing with everything that happened after Rose died and like... Pearl wasn't herself. I mean <em>really</em> wasn't herself," she begins, feeling suddenly twenty years younger, like a schoolkid trying to talk her way out of detention. She's once again acutely aware of Sapphire as their best friend's mom, feeling irrationally concerned as to what she might think of them - it certainly wouldn't be Amethyst's first time at the 'bad influence on my daughter' rodeo.</p><p> </p><p>"You have my word," Sapphire says, gracious and reassuring, "that this is not a space of judgement."</p><p> </p><p>"Great," quips Amethyst, clapping her hands together, "'cause shit's about to get <em>real</em> dark."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Once again, Amethyst wonders why the fuck she bothered coming out in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>She'd been on the fence about going to the club from the outset. She’d had a long shift - they’d been down a runner, which had left everyone else on floor working twice as hard, and the customers seemed to be especially picky. But Pearl had been set on it, Vidalia had promised she’d get a sitter, and there was supposed to be some local talent on the DJ deck - plus there isn't a lot else to do on a Saturday night besides get wasted, unless she wanted to spend another night in gaming with Peridot. And that would require peeling Peridot off Lapis.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p><br/>
With no compelling alternative, she’d psyched herself up - showered, gotten dressed, and still had time to chug a beer while waiting for her cab to arrive. She’d agreed to meet the others at the bar once she got there. </p><p> </p><p>Except they’re nowhere to be found. Amethyst had circuited the sweaty basement twice before texting both Pearl and Vidalia asking where the hell they were. That was a half hour ago, she realises with a flash of annoyance, as she props herself up on the bar working on her second rum and cola. She’s drinking for something to do, mostly - so she doesn’t look as much like someone’s lost little sister sat here on her own, staring at her cell.</p><p> </p><p>She’s worried about Pearl, and not just because she hasn't shown up. Pearl is, for want of a less schoolmarmish term, acting out.</p><p> </p><p>She never used to be one for going out after work, but in the six months since Rose died she’s been joining her colleagues at happy hour more often than not, or heading uptown to the fancier bars, coming home late with the smell of liquor on her breath. There’s always a bottle of vodka in their freezer now - Pearl doesn’t bother with mixer or ice, drinks it neat without even wincing. </p><p> </p><p>She’s smoking a whole bunch, too - and not just ganja, although Amethyst had been disturbed to realise Pearl had sourced her own after she stopped buying it. She’d spotted a pack of smokes in Pearl’s handbag months earlier, and when they’ve been out together she’s caught Pearl slipping out to the smoking area on a multitude of occasions. She’s neither subtle nor apologetic. When Amethyst had challenged her, she’d shrugged and pushed past her, lighter in hand.</p><p> </p><p>She’s still sweet to Amethyst - still attentive and affectionate and fussing over her. And she's functional enough to make it through work, at least; though she is more inclined to snappishness in the mornings, before her coffee and painkillers work their magic, covering up the after-effects of the night before. But Amethyst wishes she wasn’t drunk or high as often. It’s starting to make her feel weird about taking Pearl to bed, or compelling her to reach for a beer or a blunt just to get herself to Pearl’s level so she feels like less of a skeeze. </p><p> </p><p>Her phone buzzes. It's Vidalia.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>sorrysorrysorry ame!!! SC got sick - running a fever. can’t leave him. was sooooo lookin forward to a night off :’( have fun for me!!! xoxoxoxox</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. Still, can’t be helped. She taps out a reply, wishing Sour Cream a speedy recovery from whatever lurgy he’s picked up from his sticky little kindergarten friends. She drains her drink, bored and irritable.</p><p> </p><p>Where the hell is Pearl?</p><p> </p><p>She stares listlessly through the smoke-machine haze; lights dim enough to afford all the entwined couples the mercy of plausible deniability, tomorrow, in the cold hungover light of day. Suddenly, she spots a flash of strawberry-blonde amidst the rainbow array of backcombed dye jobs. Amethyst dives into the crowd, shouldering her way through until she’s near enough to grab hold of a leather sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>“Watch it!”</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl!” She stares at her as she catches hold of her by the forearm, Pearl’s tooth-bared glare metamorphosizing into a huge grin as she recognises her girlfriend. Her cheeks are flushed, eyes bright, pupils huge. Unnaturally huge. Amethyst frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you - are you <em>high</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just having fun,” Pearl wheedles, swaying on the spot to the music, almost spilling her drink.</p><p> </p><p>“Holy shit, you’re all over the place,” Amethyst whispers. “Who the fuck gave you the molly?”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t know. Don’t care,” Pearl giggles, throwing her head back to shake her hair out. “Come on, Amethyst.” She takes Amethyst by the hands, pulls her in close, then twists out into a wild, wide turn, almost crashing into a couple of other partygoers who throw her an irritated look over their studded shoulders. “Dance with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl...” Amethyst tries as Pearl yanks her by the arm and propels her into a spin. Her usual dancer’s grace is gone, movements erratic, still with that huge vacant smile and her gigantic pupils almost eclipsing the irises. She herself is feeling warm and loose from the liquor and it would be easy, so easy to just go along with it.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe a few years ago she might’ve - would’ve sought out whoever had hooked Pearl up, gotten hold of a little something to rub on her gums or knock back with a mouthful of jungle juice, and then felt herself melt into a thousand tiny blissed-out pieces all thrumming in rhythm with the bass.</p><p> </p><p>It would’ve felt amazing. She doesn’t doubt that Pearl is flying high right now. But she sees through it, knows Pearl too well, and realizes she’d much sooner deal with her girlfriend neurotic and grief-stricken but actually feeling <em>something</em> than watch Pearl keep dulling down the sharp edges of her emotions with booze or pot or pills or whatever the fuck else. This isn’t okay. This isn’t Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl,” she says again as Pearl twists her back into her arms. “I can’t - we should head home.”</p><p> </p><p>“But we’re barely getting started!” Pearl dips her low and Amethyst yelps, grabbing hold of her shoulders, not trusting Pearl not to drop her and send her crashing to the sticky floor. She pulls her back up and kisses her, deep and hot, fingers slipping up the back of Amethyst’s shirt, and it takes every vestige of self control Amethyst has to twist her head away. Pearl looks at her, hurt, glassy eyes big and bewildered.</p><p> </p><p>“Babe, I love you,” groans Amethyst, “but you’re way too far gone. We need to go home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, don’t be a square,” Pearl laughs, the sound discordant and jarring, as she goes in for another kiss. Amethyst rears back, Pearl’s smile fading.</p><p> </p><p>“No, Pearl. Let’s go.” She pulls at Pearl’s hands, but she’s having none of it. The beat has picked up, bright neon beams of strobe lights spinning over the crowd, a few people waving glow sticks. Pearl lets go of Amethyst’s hands and starts dancing alone, lost in the electronic thumping of the music. She flashes a mischievous grin at Amethyst under her lashes, rolls her slender hips as she skims her hands up her body; tracing along her thighs, across the flat plane of her stomach, up over her tiny breasts.</p><p> </p><p>Someone catcalls and Amethyst whips her head around furiously as she grabs Pearl, one arm around her waist, dragging her towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst!” she whines. “I like this song!”</p><p> </p><p>“You hate EDM. You don’t even know this song.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was having fun. Come on, Amethyst.” Pearl plants her feet so Amethyst is forced to stop with her, voice low and suggestive as bites her lip, fluttering her eyelashes, guiding Amethyst’s hand to the back pocket of her jeans as she winds her free arm around her, stooping to whisper in her ear. “Come have fun with me.”</p><p> </p><p>Jesus. Amethyst’s mouth is dry as Pearl cups her ass and nibbles her earlobe. But she kind of hates this version of Pearl - can’t take her attempts at seduction at face value when she knows the affection is chemical, not genuine. She doesn’t want Amethyst. She just wants a different kind of high. Amethyst prefers dorky, regular Pearl; who blushes when Amethyst takes off her bra, swats her on the arm for saying the word ‘pussy’, then turns everything on its head by getting downright bossy once she’s revved up and ready for action.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, no, I’m taking you home,” Amethyst says, turning on her heel, locking arms with Pearl and beginning to frogmarch her towards the exit.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine!” Pearl protests.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve taken who knows what from God knows who. I’m takin’ you home so you don’t end up fuckin’ passed out in a bathroom or having someone tryin’ to mess with you while you’re loaded.” Amethyst is practically dragging Pearl up the stairs; ignoring a few scattered jeers from the people they push past.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care,” Pearl laughs, trying to twist her arm free. “Amethyst, let me go.”</p><p> </p><p>“I care,” Amethyst snaps as she finally gets Pearl outside. “I hate seeing you like this - always needing somethin’ to warm you up or chill you out. When were you last even sober?”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t - stop it,” Pearl whimpers as she pulls her through the crowds and the fug of cigarette smoke.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” she replies shortly. The cool night air helps clear her head as she hails a cab, keeping a tight hold of her girlfriend’s wrist. Underneath her fingertips she can feel Pearl’s pulse racing. “And shut up while we’re in the car, okay? I don’t want you runnin’ your mouth and getting us in trouble.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl stays quiet for the drive, jiggling her foot and playing with the zip of her jacket. Amethyst doesn’t look at her, watching out the window as the streetlights and gaggles of Saturday night partygoers whizz past. When they pull up outside their block, Amethyst pays the driver and gets out on her side, before letting Pearl out of the car and steering her up to their apartment.</p><p> </p><p>“Go get changed,” she instructs. “You reek of smoke.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl’s body sags under the padded shoulders of her leather jacket. “Why are you being so mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll thank me for it later,” Amethyst grunts, shooing her away. As Pearl gets undressed she pours a small glass of water, hunts around for the pack of gum she knows she left somewhere in her messy bedroom, and makes herself a black coffee. She needs to sober up and stay awake, to make sure Pearl doesn’t pass out or choke to death on her own tongue or some other shit.</p><p> </p><p>She tries to think back to DARE class in high school and her own experiments during college. Should she try to get her to eat something? Amethyst decides against it, not knowing exactly what Pearl’s taken or how much she drank alongside it, settling for what she knows: water, sleep and waiting it out.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl stumbles out of her room in mismatched pyjamas, catching hold of the arm of the couch for balance. She is sweating visibly and the lopsided smile has gone, replaced by fearful bewilderment.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you,” Amethyst says, pity softening her frustration. “C’mon to my room. We’re gonna get you settled and get you hydrated real slow, ‘kay?” She holds up the cup of water.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sways on the spot, wringing her hands. “You hate me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t hate you,” Amethyst sighs. “I’m pissed and I’m worried but I don’t hate you. Come on,” she repeats, “you need to lie down.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl complies, pressing her damp palm to Amethyst’s and following her into her room. It’s a tip as usual, and Amethyst has to kick a mulch of clothes, empty soda cans and art supplies out of the way to clear a path to the floor before they even reach the bed. She sets down Pearl’s water and her coffee, then shoves a pile of clean laundry and the jumbled heap of outfits she’d tried and discarded earlier off the bed and onto the floor. The bedsheets need changing, but like hell is she screwing around with fitted sheets at this time of night.</p><p> </p><p>“All set,” she announces, gesturing to the bed as she clambers up herself. Pearl copies, shuffling over to the bed before sitting down cross-legged on top of the covers.</p><p> </p><p>“Prob’ly best we don’t get into bed for real,” says Amethyst as she sits back against her mascara-stained pillow, “don’t want you to overheat.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is tense all over, eyes darting around the room, pupils ragged as she clutches the water.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m scared,” she says, in a small voice, looking warily at Amethyst between sips.</p><p> </p><p>“No need to be, P,” Amethyst tells her, soothingly. “Just the drop. Totally normal.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t feel good,” Pearl manages, sounding frightened as she sets the water down. Amethyst reaches down the side of her bed and fishes around until she finds her throw blanket. She shakes it off and then drapes it around Pearl‘s shoulders, smoothing the hair from her sweaty forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, that’ll be the comedown hitting,” she says, stroking her arm. “You’ll be okay, your body just doesn't know which way’s up right now. Hate to break it to you, babe; but you’re gonna get real sick, real soon.”</p><p> </p><p>As if on cue, Pearl throws off the blanket and sprints to the bathroom, hand over her mouth. Amethyst sighs, takes a sip of her coffee, trying not to listen to the faint sounds of retching.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is gone for ages but eventually reappears, the front of her shirt and her hairline damp from where she’s obviously splashed her face with water. Her skin is a greasy greeny-white, and her jaw is working on an agenda of its own, chewing the inside of her cheek. Amethyst rubs her back gently as she slides back onto the bed, looking utterly wretched, breathing shallowly through her nose.</p><p> </p><p>“You gotta breathe slow, you’re gonna feel way more freaked out if you don’t,” Amethyst says softly. “Can’t give you any more water yet, it’s like - super dangerous if you drink too much. I’ve got gum, that’ll help.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl puts her hands out, eyes wide around her blasted pupils. Amethyst obligingly produces the squashed pack of gum and she peels off two pieces with shaky fingers, pops them straight into her mouth. She takes one herself, feeling the sugar coating crack under her teeth and the cool tingling of spearmint flood over her tongue. They chew in silence for a while, Pearl trembling so hard beside her she's practically vibrating. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m worried about you, y’know,” Amethyst says, eventually. “This isn’t you and you’re freakin’ me out. We need to have a proper talk about all this shit, when you’re not rollin’.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t leave me,” Pearl begs, clutching at her.</p><p> </p><p>“I ain’t gonna leave. But you’re not alright and gettin’ high isn’t gonna help,” Amethyst says gently. “Let’s not do this right now. C’mere.” She fluffs up the pillows behind Pearl, tucks the throw around her, gently guides her by the shoulders until she’s lying down.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst curls around her, wrapping one arm around her and sliding the other between the pillow and Pearl’s neck. She can feel the heat radiating off Pearl as she presses a quick kiss to her back through the pilled crochet of the blanket.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Pearl says into the empty air.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you are, babe,” Amethyst sighs. “It’s gonna be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s not,” returns Pearl, in a small, strangled voice. “Nothing’s ever going to be okay again,”</p><p> </p><p>“I’mma look after you,” Amethyst promises. “Garnet, too. We’re gonna sort this shit out together.”</p><p> </p><p>How, she has no idea. But it makes her feel better to talk like they have a plan. She already dreads having to clue Garnet in on how Pearl’s been acting, what she’s been doing. She wonders if Garnet is going to hold her responsible. They can’t very well blame Rose - after all, she’s not the one who stood back and let Pearl drink and smoke and bump her way this far down the goddamn primrose path.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t deserve you,” Pearl whispers. “I don’t deserve you and I didn’t deserve her. I wish I was dead.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst feels the bottom drop out of her stomach. Her coffee threatens to reappear.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you dare say that, Pearl.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wish I was dead,” repeats Pearl, voice breaking. “I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t do this.”</p><p> </p><p>Shit. This is way worse than Amethyst anticipated. She has no idea what to say or what to do, cold panic splintering through her whole body, short-circuiting her brain.</p><p> </p><p>“I...” She can’t think clearly enough to string a sentence together, brain tossing up a nightmare slideshow: Pearl, pale and stiff and unresponsive, on the floor, in the bath, at the bottom of the stairwell. Amethyst screws her eyes shut but it doesn’t stop. She squeezes Pearl tightly, tears spilling out under her lashes.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going anywhere,” she chokes. “I’m not going to let you. We’re gonna get you some help. I’m going to take care of you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t deserve to live.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care what you think you deserve,” sniffs Amethyst. “I’m deciding for you. And I say you’re gonna get better.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Pearl spends the next two days sicker than she’s ever been in her life.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet arrives in the apartment midway through the first day. From her dark bedroom, where she’s been making friends with the plastic trashcan for the better part of the morning, she can hear her and Amethyst’s voices rising and falling. Her head aches like it’s splitting open, and light and sound are agony; but she catches snippets of conversation and, more than once, the low sound of muffled tears.</p><p> </p><p>She's feeling too fragile by far to navigate a confrontation, and so gives them a wide berth, only shuffling to the bathroom when she is sure they're both out or in Amethyst's room. On the afternoon of the second day, however, they corner her; letting themselves into her room when she doesn't respond to their knocking and ignoring her feeble protests. The look of disappointment on Garnet's face is as heartbreaking as the look of fear on Amethyst's. </p><p> </p><p>“You’ve got a doctor's appointment,” Garnet informs her. “Tomorrow at two.”</p><p> </p><p>"I don't need a doctor."</p><p> </p><p>“You do - and you're going," Garnet replies. "If your insurance doesn’t cover the appointment, we will pay for it."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't need a doctor," she repeats, turning over in bed to face away from them; but they move to stand either side of her headboard, giving her no escape.</p><p> </p><p>“How can you be so <em>selfish</em>?” Garnet’s voice is low with fury and pain. “Steven’s mother is dead. Do you want him to lose you, as well?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve gotta go to the appointment, Pearl,” says Amethyst, dark lashes clumped together. “Fuck, just - do it for her, if you can’t do it for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Rose would be horrified to see you throwing your life away,” Garnet adds. "I already lost one friend. I'm not losing another."</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not going,” she says, stubbornly.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet raises her eyebrows, hands on her hips. Amethyst sniffles, but sets her jaw and folds her arms.</p><p> </p><p>She goes to the appointment.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet waits in the car as Amethyst sits with her in the waiting room. She’s given a questionnaire - how is her appetite? Her sleep? Has she had any disturbing thoughts? Does she feel low or hopeless? Does she feel that she’s unable to switch off from worries or anxiety? Has she been engaging in any risk-taking behaviours?</p><p> </p><p>She circles ‘no’ for that but, at Amethyst’s incredulous look, crosses it out and scribbles a ring around ‘yes’.</p><p> </p><p>When her name is called, she enters the doctor’s office alone. Dr. Stromberg leafs through Pearl’s completed paperwork, then sets it down on the desk; scrutinising her, though not unkindly.</p><p> </p><p>“Your responses are indicative of moderate to severe depression, and you also scored highly on our diagnostic index for anxiety,” she says, gently. “Has there been something - a traumatic event, or repeated occurrences of something distressing - that you think might have contributed to the emotions you’re experiencing?”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sucks in a breath as her mind spins.</p><p> </p><p>Church, years ago - listening to the pastor, knowing she was an invert, an abomination, damning her family, going to hell.</p><p> </p><p>School - classmates jeering, chants and slurs blurring into one, rough hands grabbing her satchel, her uniform, her hair.</p><p> </p><p>Ballet practice - catching sight of herself in the mirror, the grotesque bulge of her hip, her stomach, her budding breasts; then the counting, the lists, the measurements. The light-headed joy and feeling of power as the number on the scale dropped.</p><p> </p><p>Pleading with her mother - her sisters’ terrified faces on the stairs as she was shoved out into the porch without even time to pack a bag, sobbing as she beat on the door, hearing the lock turn.</p><p> </p><p>Rose, explaining with full eyes that she couldn’t promise herself to Pearl alone.</p><p> </p><p>Rose, pregnant, radiant, joyful and doomed.</p><p> </p><p>Rose’s body. Rose’s casket. Rose’s son.</p><p> </p><p>She digs her fingers into her forearms as tears slide down her cheeks. Dr. Stromberg’s voice is drowned out by the rushing of blood in her ears, the pounding of her heart, the sucking of air as her lungs pull in oxygen, quick little breaths, too quick, but she can’t slow it down, she can’t see, she can’t think, she can’t talk, she can't, she can't, she <em>can't</em> - </p><p> </p><p>Later, she’ll discover that the phenomenon she experienced is called a 'panic attack'. In the moment, though, it feels like she really is dying, drowning on dry land; and she welcomes it, waits for that fabled light to descend, for Rose to come and take her hand and lead her to whatever comes after.</p><p> </p><p>What actually happens is she sobs and hyperventilates for thirty minutes and ultimately leaves the clinic with a prescription, a referral for cognitive behavioural therapy, and strict instructions to take two weeks off work while she adjusts to the new medication.</p><p> </p><p>When she eventually staggers back into the waiting area, she feels curiously dizzy and shellshocked, reeling at the damning words - <em>post-traumatic symptoms, severe depression, anxiety disorder. </em>It feels as though they've been stamped up and down her skin in indelible ink, letting everyone know that she’s weak, pathetic, broken.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst slips a hand into hers and doesn’t let go the whole way home.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"I don't know why any of you even bothered helping me," says Pearl bitterly, shaking her head. "Diagnosis or not, my behaviour back then was... atrocious."</p><p> </p><p>“It seems that you had difficulty accepting the reality of your illness,” Sapphire prompts. Pearl shifts in her chair, sniffling.</p><p> </p><p>“I felt so <em>stupid</em>,” she says, eventually. “I didn’t think I was sick - or sick enough, at least. I thought I was wasting the doctor’s time. Then I felt stupid for not having realised I was sick. And I hated being a burden.”</p><p> </p><p>“You weren’t a burden,” Amethyst cuts in. “I mean - sure, you scared us shitless. But we were glad you were taking the pills and tryin’ to get better rather than, like, self-medicating.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hated feeling so useless,” Pearl admits, blowing her nose delicately. Sapphire's gaze lands on Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>“Supporting a loved one through mental ill health can be psychologically taxing. How did you manage while Pearl was recovering?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um..." Amethyst thinks back. So much of her life then revolved around the minutiae of Pearl's routine - coaxing her through meals, making sure she took her meds, organising for Garnet or Lapis to stop by when she had to go to work. It’s hard, at first, to think of anything else. "I was mostly just glad she was lettin' me take care of her. But, I guess I vented to Garnet. Hung out at Lapis and Peri's if I needed a break. Painted a whole bunch. Spent time over at Vidalia’s - at least, ‘til she got pregnant again.”</p><p> </p><p>"Did that... pose a problem for your friendship?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst smiles, remembering Vidalia's epic freakout at the prospect of a further two years of sleeplessness and diapers. “Nah. She and Yellowtail moved after she had Onion, we kinda lost touch for a while. All good now, though, since we're both part of the Suburban Mom Squad."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you feel that the power balance of your relationship was affected by Pearl's illness?"</p><p> </p><p>"I..." <em>Jeez,</em> thinks Amethyst. <em>What a question.</em> "Kinda. She's like - proud. And super stubborn. It was... hard for her to get used to us all being up in her business, I guess. She got mad at us, at herself, at everything. It was... hard to watch.”</p><p> </p><p>"She’s being polite. I was a total disaster," Pearl says, flatly. "I didn't want to admit I needed help. I'd manage one little thing, and then tell myself that was it - that was proof I was all better. Then I'd go all out trying to pretend I was fine, even though I couldn't keep the act up. Then I'd make another mistake and the whole thing would just... fall apart." </p><p> </p><p>"It sounds as though you didn't have much patience with yourself during your recovery," suggests Sapphire. Pearl swallows, considering the concept.</p><p> </p><p>"I... was embarrassed."</p><p> </p><p>"That's quite common and understandable," Sapphire says patiently. "Internalised stigma around mental illness is a lot to unpack, even for people who haven't experienced it first-hand."</p><p> </p><p>"I still struggle with it," Pearl admits. "It feels... like I should be doing more. Like I should try harder, do better - I owe it to them, after they had to put up with all my nonsense."</p><p> </p><p>"I can see there's a pattern beginning to emerge of your self-worth being tied to the esteem of other people, or to the actions you're capable of," Sapphire muses. "How would it feel to apply that same rubric to, say, Amethyst? If we were to base <em>her</em> inherent value exclusively on other people's judgements?"</p><p> </p><p>"Why would it matter what anyone else thinks?" Pearl asks immediately, frowning. "None of them could possibly have the whole picture. She's so much greater than the sum of her parts, none of them could ever come close to - "</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire raises her eyebrow as Pearl tails off, mouth dropping into a round 'o' of comprehension. Amethyst feels her cheeks glowing at Pearl's immediate and instinctive defence of her worth, even in the hypothetical.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst, did you resent Pearl for her illness, in any way?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, no!" she yelps, forgetting to check her language in her haste to answer. "Not even a little bit. Nobody chooses to get sick, and the shit she had to put up with would've messed anyone up. I mean," she gestures to Pearl, eyes wide, "Beat up in the halls every day from seventh grade? Kicked out 'cause she wouldn't go to conversion camp? Having the ex she'd never gotten over up and <em>die</em>? Girl was a fuckin' rockstar just for like... gettin' up in the morning without screaming."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire smiles warmly at Pearl. "You see how different our perception of ourselves can be to how others see us. You saw yourself as a burden, when others around you admired your resilience. How does it feel, Pearl, to hear that from Amethyst?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl shakes her head, unable to speak, fumbling for another tissue.</p><p> </p><p>Without a word, Amethyst grabs the box from the desk and passes it sideways to Pearl, fingertips brushing. Her hand lingers awkwardly near Pearl's arm as she mops her eyes, and when Pearl's fingers graze hers again she catches hold of her hand; gives her a questioning look, seeking permission. Pearl neither looks up nor flinches away. </p><p> </p><p>Clumsy and hesitant, Amethyst laces her fingers with Pearl's; gives her trembling hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Pearl returns the pressure, lifting her tear-stained face as she returns Amethyst's unusually timid smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*to the tune of Livin’ On a Prayer* WOOOOAAAH we’re one third there; WOOAAAH-OH! angst is everywhere</p><p>Thank you so much to the lovely people who’ve commented and left kudos so far. Y’all are fab. What started as a domestic thirtysomething Pearlmethyst drabble ran away with me when my friend casually mentioned that those two would one-hundo percent need couples counselling without Garnet and Steven forcing them to work together. </p><p>The narrative voice will continue to switch between Pearl and Amethyst, both in the past and in the flashback segments. However: both of them are flawed, unreliable narrators with more bias than a US liberal arts curriculum. This is by design, and something that will be addressed as the fic continues!</p><p>tldr; don’t do drugs kids! pearl’s terrible coping methods are not to be emulated In Any Way.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. i didn't know I was broken 'til i wanted to change (i wanna get better)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In the past, Pearl and Amethyst work on a new normal. In Sapphire's office, Amethyst finds that she doesn't have all the answers, and our problematic power couple aren't the only ones feeling the strain.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content note: This chapter contains explicit description of depression and references to disordered eating, suicide ideation, death in childbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and mental illness in general. Read with caution if you're affected by any of the aforementioned.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They promise her she’s going to be okay.</p><p> </p><p>They tell her she’s sick. They tell her they love her, again and again; and Pearl puts her hands over her ears, her head under the covers, hides. She can’t stand to look at them, knowing the truth that they can’t see: that them loving a creature like her is pointless, ambrosia tipped into a void.</p><p> </p><p>They are wonderful. She is nothing - less than nothing. She doesn’t deserve them and wishes they would leave, because their kindness is painful, knowing she can never be worthy.</p><p> </p><p>They won’t go. They call her feelings <em>symptoms</em>. But that can’t be possible. This uselessness, this bone-deep hopelessness, has stripped back whoever she was or could have been; taken her over, like algae crawling over the mass of a shipwreck.</p><p> </p><p>To her, it’s inextricable. The idea of feeling anything different to the nightmare carousel of panic-misery-blankness is beyond laughable: it’s unfathomable. How can this be a sickness - with a name and a treatment and a medicine she can take - when it’s all she is, all she knows?</p><p> </p><p>Doctors can be wrong. She knows the truth: that everything she’s ever achieved was just paper over the cracks of a useless, worthless, fraudulent <em>failure</em>. Quitting the game now, before she can disappoint anyone further, is the only kindness she can think to muster.</p><p> </p><p>She is, on her very best days, disgusted by herself: every useless inch of her body, how little control she has over it, not to mention her piece-of-shit excuse for a brain. She was supposed to be smart. Now she needs sticky notes on her mirror to remind her to brush her hair - on the mornings she makes it out of bed.</p><p> </p><p>She hates it, hates herself, hates the prospect of infinite days full of the same ahead of her. And hate is exhausting, so she sleeps more, then she wakes up and hates having to remember.</p><p> </p><p>She wants out. Specifically, she wants to die. But they won’t let her.</p><p> </p><p>Out of guilt and obligation, she follows where they lead, too tired to argue. She takes the medication, eats the food Amethyst puts in front of her, allows herself to be cajoled into the shower, dragged out of the apartment for walks. Every movement is leaden, all will to fight gone out of her as she is dragged through the motions of this new routine; following the instructions like an automaton.</p><p> </p><p>The meds make her feel nauseous and twitchy, throat burning with hyperacidity as her mind races late into the night. Surprisingly enough, Lapis comes to her rescue. She recalls Lapis’ own "episodes" - pulling away from everybody and everything, even the swimming and diving that come more naturally to her than walking, leaving Peridot frantic as she struggled to interpret and respond to her girlfriend’s helter-skelter moods.</p><p> </p><p>Those memories are the only reason she keeps letting Lapis into the apartment at odd hours of the night while Amethyst is sleeping, both of them sitting wrapped in blankets two foot apart on the couch, watching that God-awful summer camp show in silence. She doesn’t need to explain herself to Lapis. It helps, knowing someone gets it. Genuine understanding is pretty thin on the ground.</p><p> </p><p>So much of the literature she’s consumed uses the language of war in reference to mental illness. Sufferers are ‘brave’, ‘fighting their demons’, their conditions a ‘battle’ which may be valiantly won or tragically lost. Pearl doesn’t think those who succumb have lost anything. There is no courage in her so-called recovery, every day crawling by, feeling like she’s fighting through molasses to complete the most basic of tasks.</p><p> </p><p>It sounds like a kindness, to not have to try anymore; to let the feelings pull her under, down past the point of pain, into blissful black nothingness. To her, oblivion sounds like a vacation.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet and Amethyst are less than impressed with this assertion; so back she goes to the physician’s office.</p><p> </p><p>At her second appointment with Dr. Stromberg, she is appalled when her height and weight are taken, followed by a series of delicate enquiries about Pearl’s diet and exercise habits. Her protests that she consumes a perfectly balanced diet and that it is absolutely essential she record and monitor what she eats to stay on form for matinée season fall on deaf ears.</p><p> </p><p>A new term is added to the list of diagnoses, her medication is adjusted, and she is referred to a dietitian who specialises in disordered eating. She is furious afterwards, and further outraged when nobody seems to sympathize with her. They don't know what it's like. She needs to do this.</p><p> </p><p>"Or what?" Amethyst asks - gently; she always asks so gently, nowadays - midway through an outburst. And she can't verbalise it, try as she might, but just the idea of not following the rules is enough to set her shaking, sobbing, pleading not to be made to go, because she has to do this, if she doesn't do this then something Bad will happen.</p><p> </p><p>The dietitian is very kind. She gives Pearl new rules - no, <em>guidelines</em>, she reminds herself. The R word is politely frowned upon in her appointments, as are half the other terms Pearl would usually use about her diet and her body. She tries to argue in favour of her system, but is gently rebuffed at every turn, with points scored through vitamin deficiencies, amenhorrea, acid erosion. She can't make them see sense, and leaves every appointment feeling chastised and outmaneuvered.</p><p> </p><p>It feels as though they've all joined forces against her. She struggles with the new meal plan, even with Amethyst gently coaxing her through; her brain in overdrive, analysing every macronutrient, wishing she could just make a substitution here or there. Their scale goes mysteriously missing, and no amount of storming at Garnet and Amethyst brings it back - but she is <em>advised</em> not to weigh herself between sessions, so as much as it makes her queasy with panic, she complies. It's the closest she has to a rule, so she follows it, if only to get everyone off her damn back. </p><p> </p><p>Other guidance is easier to follow. Her dance troupe are unbothered when she tells them she has to take a break; not daring to hint at the real reason, instead making a vague reference to doctor’s orders. Someone else will be happy enough to take her place in the <em>corps</em>. She replaces her hours of <em>fouettés</em> over sprung floors with yoga, often joined by Garnet, and the doctors are pleased.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, gradually, things get better. She takes the pills first thing in the morning rather than last thing at night, and the insomnia eases up a little. Meals become less of a struggle, as her hunger cues become more automatic. </p><p> </p><p>And everywhere, through all of it, is Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet never goes far, and once Pearl stops fighting her treatment plan, her patience with her faltering steps towards stability is a river that runs deep and never dries. She is wonderful, and Pearl is grateful beyond words for her consistency, her understanding, her comforting presence. But she and Garnet have been bound up in one another since college, their friendship galvanised by mutual trust and a shared understanding of each other after a lonely childhood and adolescence.</p><p> </p><p>(Garnet's friendship with Amethyst had been the exception that proved the rule - Amethyst undeterred by Garnet's unearned reputation as 'the tough girl'; Garnet able to overlook Amethyst's hot-headed fronting to offer comfort and stability against the backdrop of her chaotic home life.)</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is her anchor, the fixed point amidst her chaotic whirling constellations, the stabilising force as she claws her way out of the schism. She has no idea why Amethyst stays, and the desperate longing for them all to leave her alone is slowly replaced by the terror that Amethyst will suddenly come to her senses and flee. She is no picnic to be around, that's for damn sure, and Pearl wishes she could give Amethyst some guarantee that her efforts aren't in vain: that one day she'll be better for real, that she can be normal, that someday her life and her thoughts won't be shaped entirely around the negative space left in Rose's image.</p><p> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It isn’t even pain, not anymore. It is the scorched earth left behind when the searing agony of loss finally settles; the grief ever-present, but embers now, rather than an inferno. Maybe they’ll burn out. Pearl suspects they won’t. But for now they all exist amidst the hot smouldering ash, occasionally catching in their throats or burning a careless step. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">And Steven - oh, <em>Steven</em>. Pearl hangs back, the first few times she is persuaded to visit. She gets it all wrong, can’t look at him without thinking of Rose, doesn't dare to hold him for fear that she'll drop him and smash him and that'll be the end of it - the last of Rose, gone, and it'll be her fault. </span> <span class="s1">But one day Greg and Amethyst are both working, Garnet has class, and Vidalia is busy with her own offspring, and despite her pleading Pearl can’t get out of watching him.</span></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She is terrified. She perches hunched over, sick with fear, watching him from inches away. She’d read up on SIDS - the chance was minuscule, but they said the same about death in childbirth and look how that turned out. No amount of grounding or breathing or pacing helps, so she sits: shoulders screaming, eyes burning, staring into the crib, barely daring to draw breath lest she miss any change in the steady rise and fall of the tiny ribcage. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The tiny eyelids flutter, dreaming. Chubby fingers wiggle in the depths of sleep. Then - a deep, snorting inhale, and then... nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Pearl stops breathing too, waiting, watching, her heart beating a tattoo against her ribs as her mind implodes around oh God please God no no <em>no</em> please I’ll do anything please oh<em> God Steven please</em> -</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A grunt, a long snuffling exhale. Inhale. Exhale. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He snores. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Pearl begins to laugh hysterically, covering her mouth in case she wakes him. He <em>snores</em>. Of course. Rose did, too. He really is her son.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And when he does wake up, some twenty minutes later, she is half-sobbing as she kisses apologies into his tufty hair; tears in her laughing eyes as he fumbles, puzzled, for her nose. The relief is visceral, starbursting acidic and joyous through her chest, and in its wake a roaring protective love more primal than anything she has ever known. He is everything she has left of Rose and all of a sudden, there is absolutely nothing she would not do to keep him safe and out of harm’s way. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The dark eyes, huge in the round face, blink up at her, brighten with happiness as she smiles for him. She feels a wrench of shame for her pettiness and jealousy. He isn’t hers but he was <em>hers</em> and now he is theirs, to teach and guide and protect. He is everything, now. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She would die for him, but that is barely a sacrifice. Thoughts of hastening her own end are as much a part of the background of Pearl’s life as the kitchen tile or the colour of her eyes - they just are. She would, however, kill for him without missing a beat; would tear to ribbons anyone and anything that posed him harm, and she would do it with relish. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He is barely a person and already he eclipses everything she thought possible. She nuzzles his cheek, scoops him up and spins him through the air, delights at the crow of his laughter, then sits and dandles him on her knee as she begins to tell him all about his mother. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Gracious, Steven, where do I start?” she sniffles. “Your mother’s name was Rose, you probably know that part already. But did you know,” and she leans in conspiratorially to whisper in the tiny velvet shell of his ear, “that her last name used to be Diamante, not Cuarzo? She changed it after she cut ties with her family. I knew her before college. She and I shared everything - things we never even told Garnet. And someday, I’ll tell you everything, too.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The big eyes are trained upon her as if he really does understand, and a bubble of euphoric love pops within her. She squeezes him, thinking of all the things she can teach him - all of the things she can try to do; one last show of effort for Rose. No - she blinks, tears slipping down her cheeks even as she smiles - for Steven.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Greg clatters in to find her tearstained but giggling, Steven’s fat palm clutching her thin finger, and she is so startled that she nearly drops the baby before giving him wordlessly back to his father. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But from that day on, it’s easier. She ignores Greg as much as Garnet allows her to get away with, but from the first time Steven reaches his pudgy arms out to her, she can’t help but reach back. It's instinctive. She doesn’t like herself, but Steven likes her. Steven loves her. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So she tries, fails, hates herself, picks herself up and tries yet again. For him. For <em>her</em>. For Amethyst. For Garnet. For her family. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Amethyst is proud of her. She tells her, often, though there are days when they barely manage to carve out an hour together between each of their jobs and Pearl’s therapy. Amethyst has taken on extra shifts, working unsociable hours to counter any financial repercussions from Pearl’s medical mandate to cut back on overtime. </span> <span class="s1">She is happy to see Pearl even on the bad days: when she herself feels wrung out from work and worry while her girlfriend can barely summon the energy to look at her - eyes blank and limbs weighted down with the ennui and misery that pervades every atom of her being. </span><br/><br/></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The good days, though, are worth it: hearing snatches of old pop songs from the kitchen when Pearl wakes before her and starts on breakfast; seeing a genuine smile stretch Pearl’s features at one of her jokes; the two of them curled on the couch to vent about their colleagues - who hooked up at the staff party, who delayed Pearl’s entire team on a project, who got caught skimming from the back fridge at Amethyst’s bar. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">On the good days, they inch towards comfortable as they both readjust, aligning themselves to the new normal: this post-Rose world with Steven at the centre, feeling their way together through a relationship that supports Pearl's recovery.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>It isn't easy, but it's theirs, and as Pearl slowly comes back to herself, she reflects that it's probably worth staying alive for.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>By the time Steven turns one, she is actually able to get through 'Happy Birthday' without immediately breaking down. (She forces it down until later, when she can fall apart to Amethyst and Garnet.) He is an infectiously happy baby, and Pearl can’t help fussing over him as he begins to teeth, toddle, to sound out words. She frets if he seems behind on a developmental milestone but has raptures when he masters a new skill. More than once, she has to clarify to her colleagues that Steven isn't her son. </p><p> </p><p>(She stumbles when pressed on the issue. She isn't his mother, but... aunt? Stepmother? Live-out secondary caregiver? Nothing quite fits their strange circumstances. Eventually, the politely vague overview becomes routine: "He's family. His mother is dead. I love him very much.")</p><p> </p><p>She can scarcely stand to look at Greg, but for Steven's sake forces herself to tolerate his presence. He is responsible for the loss of Rose and she could never forgive him, not if she lived for millenia - but he is Steven's adored father, and as Steven grows up it wouldn't do for Pearl to cause him confusion or hurt by being deliberately abrasive. She remains cordial but cold, Greg seems relieved, and Steven remains oblivious.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl has been signed off by the dietitian, who is happy with her progress so far, and has finally adjusted to her medication, finding at last the golden window within which to take her pill so it doesn't leave her either twitching or groggy during work hours. She is dizzily grateful that Agate Products' sickness absence policy prevented her being fired over her illness, though she is on strict instruction to not take her work home with her or take on any additional hours - closely monitored by Garnet and Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>Mercifully, her competence, diligence and spotless professional reputation just about allow her to hang onto her job. She shows up for nine, leaves at five, eschews happy hour, and forces herself to eat in the canteen - despite the anxiety that flares every time she overhears her colleagues talking about cheat days or intermittent fasting. It is monotonous, but she is thankful for the routine and the regular paycheck.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is offered the post of shift manager and readily accepts. The extra hours and additional dollar thirty per hour are just incentive enough to sway her into relinquishing her already limited free time, as well shouldering the unlucky responsibility of having to deal with problem customers head-on. Pearl is surprised when she takes the job, knowing that Amethyst has been idly browsing job listings and cursing herself for majoring in art, the inconsistent shifts and late nights starting to wear her down. She asks Amethyst about it and she shrugs, saying "It's the best I got right now, P."</p><p> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Even with insurance, Pearl’s medication and appointments have eaten a hole in her savings - they’re making rent, just, but any real disposable income is a thing of the past and future. Amethyst had been saving for a car, fed up at her unsociable hours and despairing over how few jobs there are in their area for anything outside food service, but that financial outlay is on ice for the time being.<br/><br/></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Pearl is proud of her, seeing her pore over their budget spreadsheet, but she worries at how tired Amethyst is and frequently lapses into guilty tears at how hard her girlfriend has to work because of her <em>defect</em>.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s not a defect, Sweet P,” Amethyst tells her, stroking Pearl’s hair as she cries all over her and the couch. “You’re sick. It’s okay. We’d work it out if it happened to me, right?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s different,” Pearl weeps.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Depression double standard, again,” Amethyst says kindly, giving her a squeeze. “You’d do the same thing. And it isn’t like you’re not working your ass off, too.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I reduced my hours,” Pearl hiccoughs miserably.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“On your <em>doctor’s advice, </em>babe<em>.</em> Because you were mad overworked and not getting overtime pay. I promise, if a shrink told me I was gonna to have a breakdown next time a customer tipped a cent on an eighty dollar tab, I’d follow their advice,” She glances at the spreadsheet. “And then maybe, um, sell my organs. How much is a kidney worth, nowadays?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Pearl manages a smile for her, but the guilt persists, writhing queasily in her stomach day-in and day-out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>To Pearl, her girlfriend is beautiful no matter how tired she is, but her tan skin is halfway to grey on the mornings she has to peel herself out of bed for an 8am cellar clean and safe count after a 2am finish the night before. Pearl worries about her but when she tries, flailingly, to express this, Amethyst is quick to push her concern aside - in a good mood, she placates her with kisses and a wave of the hand; in a bad mood, she calls Pearl a goddamn hypocrite, and she has no defence.</p><p> </p><p>Still, Pearl frets, and one night when she feels Amethyst's weight land on the bed beside her, a groan of exhaustion over the ancient jangling bedsprings, she makes up her mind to do something about it. Even with insurance, her medication and therapy are expensive, and Amethyst works so much that her available time is as limited as her means. But she resolves to find some way to help Amethyst unwind, turning the matter over and over in her mind, as she snuggles up beside her and falls asleep amidst the tousled cloud of Amethyst's lilac hair. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Amethyst aches all over. It's been a real fucker of a shift, for daytime on a Thursday. One of the wait staff had called out sick, forcing her to haul ass out on floor when peak time hit, and as six o'clock rolls round and the evening crowd begins to fill out the bar, her calves burn while her lower back throbs and the beginnings of a headache begin to radiate out behind her left eye. She hopes to God it isn't trying to turn into a migraine. </p><p> </p><p>She might not like her job, but she's still grateful for it. It keeps her independent and busy, even if the canvases she buys remain blank more often than not, with so much of her time eaten up by work. Shift managers end up getting the short end of the stick with the rota - starting earlier, finishing later, generally having more of the shitty jobs to do by way of seniority - but there are occasional perks, and one of these is a guarantee of one full weekend off a month.</p><p> </p><p>Sure, she's pulled sixty-five hours this week, she'd been cussed out by a real witch of a customer who was absolutely adamant that their alfredo sauce clearly wasn't made with<em> real</em> Parmesan, and she's dreading next week's task of lining up and interrogating the barbacks to work out which idiot lifted a bottle of their nicer wine from the storeroom and fucked her stock take. However, the prospect of not just Friday off, but all of Saturday and Sunday to boot has her practically somersaulting out of the door when she hands over the keys to Kiki and clocks off. </p><p> </p><p>She checks her phone as she waits for the bus, smiling as she sees a message from Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hope you've had a good shift, darling. I'll sort dinner for this evening. Can't wait to see you. :*</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes linger on the asterisk, the cluster of pixels Pearl's way - and now, after many months of dating and picking up one another's habits, also her way - of denoting a kiss. Her thumbs skate across the buttons to tap out a reply, her headache receding a mite at the thought of getting home and kissing her for real. Unless it was a bad day - but Pearl had seemed chipper enough when Amethyst had seen her that morning, before they both left for work. </p><p>
  <em>thx babe. ur the best :* how u doin 2day?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Okay :) I'll be better for seeing your beautiful face this evening. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst feels her cheeks heat. Pearl is a total glass cannon when it comes to flattery: perfectly capable of delivering a charm offensive, but blushing and squawking when Amethyst returns it in kind. It still takes her by surprise in the best way when she reminds herself that Pearl - her stubborn, single-minded, perfectionist Pearl - loves her. The dynamic of their relationship had shifted a lot when Pearl got sick, but with Pearl making such great progress, they'd returned to a fairly even balance.</p><p> </p><p>She knows she'd love Pearl just as much if she'd never gotten any better. Sure, it was hard. Excruciatingly so. She'd fallen to bits over it herself - in Garnet's car, at Lapis' pool, on Peridot's couch (much to Peri's panic, over the prospect of human bodily fluids on her property as much as the sudden outburst of emotion). It felt impossible to keep her afloat when nothing Amethyst said or did could help her feel better.</p><p> </p><p>She'd lurched from one meltdown to the next, frantic and terrified, starting and ending shifts in a cold sweat in case Pearl went spiralling into the abyss with her crazy conviction that they were all better off if she was gone. Amethyst's adoration seemed directly proportional to Pearl's self-destruction, and it was annihilating to hold her and beg her not to try anything dangerous in the face of Pearl's blank-eyed, resigned self-hatred.</p><p> </p><p>But slowly, she'd come back to them, and Amethyst never once regretted the hours and days she'd spent coaxing her through. Every little victory was worth celebrating. Amethyst allows her mind to wander, to wonder if Pearl might be up for some <em>real</em> celebration later in the privacy of the bedroom. Pearl had been reticent for a long while, and then Amethyst had been so busy and so tired from work. But with a whole weekend... Amethyst's cheeks are aflame as she stuffs her phone back into her pocket and hurries on home.</p><p> </p><p>She calls out a greeting as she opens the door, distracted, headphones still blasting the old R'n'B song her mp3 player had thrown up on shuffle. Swearing as she untangles herself from the wires and the strap of her satchel, she glances up, then starts in surprise at the scene before her. </p><p> </p><p>It's a fort. Specifically, a blanket fort, and a masterfully constructed one at that. The double mattress from Pearl's room has been dragged into the wide space created by pushing back the sofa and coffee table, and every blanket in the apartment, from her ratty crochet throw to Pearl's delicate pastel comforter, has been gathered together for the cause. She throws her bag down, kneeling down with a slowly growing smile to inspect what can only be Pearl's meticulous work.</p><p> </p><p>The standing fan has been reappropriated as a central pole; the cord of Pearl's bathrobe used to support the sloping roof; and, as she crawls irresistibly inside, she notices with a smile that the Christmas lights from her room have been strewn around for ambience. She fumbles for the switch, flicks them on, bathing the cosy interior of the fort in warm multicoloured light. </p><p> </p><p>"Going for mood lighting already?" Pearl's voice is light and teasing as Amethyst sees her legs appear at the entrance to the den, balancing daintily on the balls of her feet.</p><p> </p><p>"Babe," Amethyst manages, as Pearl crouches down to scoot in beside her, "this is - insane. I can't believe you beat me home and had time to do all this!"</p><p> </p><p>"I may," Pearl smiles, a little mischievously, "have secretly taken a half-afternoon off." </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst gapes at her. "You never take time off. You freak out when you have to take time off for actual appointments."</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted to surprise you," shrugs Pearl, "and I was owed some time back from the Saturday I worked when we were coming up to audit." She hesitates as she looks sideways at Amethyst under her lashes. "Do you... like it?"</p><p> </p><p>"I love it," Amethyst reassures her, pressing a kiss against her cheek. Pearl ducks her head, a faint pink tinge spreading across her face that has nothing at all to do with the softly glowing string lights. "It's amazing. And<em> huge</em>. What made you do it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well," Pearl manages, slowly, "I... would have loved to take you out, but I figured - you spend so much of your time at work, the last place on earth you want to be is another restaurant."</p><p> </p><p>"Tch, not wrong there," Amethyst laughs, though the memory of her testing week at work is fading fast as she basks in the elation of Pearl's surprise. Pearl smiles. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, well - I know you always liked making blanket forts when you were little. I figured... it might be fun. And inexpensive," Pearl sighs ruefully. "I do wish I could afford to treat you out properly."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't need to," Amethyst soothes, putting an arm around her. She is less skin-and-bone than she used to be, but pressed up against Amethyst's curves she still feels as delicate as a China aster. "This is perfect. My forts were never this fancy. How'd you get the roof to stay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh!" Pearl's eyes brighten, and Amethyst's heart melts to see her obvious enthusiasm and pride as she reaches up, pointing out the hidden seam of safety pins preventing a catastrophic cave-in. "The fan helps support the weight from the middle, and I pinned the edges here - see? - so the sheet doesn't slide off."</p><p> </p><p>"Cool," Amethyst says, and she means it, though she's distracted by the backlit curve of Pearl's neck, downy ginger hair illuminated gold at her nape. She wants, more than anything, to lay Pearl down and give her a proper thank you - maybe a massage, to press her appreciation tenderly into every muscle of Pearl's back, and then... wherever the mood takes them from there. She has a few ideas, and wonders idly whether Pearl's impressive feats of fort construction will hold up against what she would likely call 'localised seismic activity'. Amethyst looks forward to finding out, but restrains herself for now, catching Pearl's hand and kissing the palm.</p><p> </p><p>"I tried my best," she hums, pleased. Amethyst smiles, kisses her lips next, soft and chaste.</p><p> </p><p>"It's incredible. Honestly."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's thin chest puffs up a little, proud. "I <em>did</em> study engineering. Heaven help me if I couldn't put a blanket fort together with a reasonable level of structural integrity."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst cuts her off with another kiss. "I love it. I love you."</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too." Pearl cups her cheek, kissing her back, but pulls away just as Amethyst parts her lips with her own, deepening the kiss, urging her on. Amethyst is halfway to a whimper of disappointment, but Pearl smiles. "I have another surprise for you."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst blinks. "You didn't buy the - "</p><p> </p><p>"Absolutely not. <em>No.</em> I've already told you, they're far too loud and the neighbours would definitely overhear us - no way are they going to buy the 'hairdryer' excuse a second time."</p><p> </p><p>"Aww, Pierogi," Amethyst drawls, mock-forlornly, though she's smirking. "Crushin' my dreams, babe."</p><p> </p><p>"Would instant mac and cheese change your mind?" Pearl teases. Amethyst's eyes widen. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, my God. You didn't."</p><p> </p><p>"Mmmmhm. With the pickles and the chopped-up hotdogs. Just the way you like it."</p><p> </p><p>"You hate that stuff," Amethyst exclaims. "You said any cheese that starts out as a powder has no business being consumed by humans!"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's aversion to store-brand boxed macaroni and cheese is matched only by Amethyst's passionate defence of it. Back when their dad would be on the road for days out of state, it was the only meal Jasper could make, and years of experimentation had led to Amethyst's accidental discovery of the gastronomic ecstasy that was her favourite comfort food.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl rarely let her buy the it, insisting that if she was going to have mac and cheese then Pearl would make it <em>properly</em> - and, while delicious, something about the reassuringly artificial orange powdered cheese with the sharp pickle and processed sausage just <em>got</em> Amethyst in a way that Pearl's lovingly prepared bechamel never achieved. Given her girlfriend's many issues around food, Amethyst is shocked out of countenance that she'd even <em>try</em> the stuff. </p><p> </p><p>"I do," Pearl concedes. "But you don't. You deserved something special even if we're broke and exhausted. I got a bottle of wine, too - it's cheap, but I put it straight in the refrigerator, so it's chilled. I figured we could eat in here."</p><p> </p><p>"You're honestly gonna let me eat easy-mac on your bedsheets?" Amethyst laughs, light with incredulity. </p><p> </p><p>"Like I said, you deserved something special," Pearl replies, soft-eyed. "You do so much for me. I... don't tell you often enough how grateful I am for you. I wanted to spoil you. This - " she gestures around at the fort, " - is <em>so</em> much less than what you deserve."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, P," Amethyst murmurs. "You didn't need to do all this. I'm just - happy to be here. With you. For a whole weekend. Wouldn't faze me if all we did was watch Dogcopter and make out."</p><p> </p><p>"That can be arranged," Pearl smiles, leaning back in to kiss Amethyst, and this time she doesn't pull away when she feels the gentle searching pressure of Amethyst's tongue. She wraps her arms around Amethyst, pulling her in closer, allowing the kiss to deepen, then heat. When they eventually pull apart, both of them are flushed to the neck; Amethyst sucking in a slow, steadying breath as Pearl presses a cool hand to her hot cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Amethyst manages, after a moment to collect herself. "Whew. Okay. No rush. We got all weekend."</p><p> </p><p>"We do." Pearl's voice is low, molten and suggestive.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I can't wait. But first..." Amethyst bites her lip, flutters her eyelashes at Pearl as her girlfriend's breath catches in anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>"...You said there was mac and cheese?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's answering laughter is melodic and sincere as she obligingly goes to fix dinner, catching her for a kiss as she goes, and Amethyst thinks her weekend couldn't have started out sweeter. She'd endure far worse things than a crappy service job for no reward other than Pearl's smile. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"It seems that you made an excellent recovery, once you were able to process some of your grief with professional help," Sapphire smiles. Amethyst shifts in her seat as Pearl winces.</p><p> </p><p>"It was... not plain sailing," Pearl supplies. "I did get better, in a lot of ways. Then I... got worse, again. But I got it together faster!" she adds, hastily. "...Then I relapsed again. I didn't really get better until we were married - I knew we wanted children, and if I couldn't eat, we likely couldn't conceive."</p><p> </p><p>"Recovery from any mental illness is rarely a linear process," Sapphire explains, kindly. "And wellness is not a fixed point at which circumstances miraculously align and allow a person to feel 'better'. For many people, the idea of a 'perfect' recovery is simply unrealistic -  but that in no way devalues the hard work which goes into attaining some semblance of stability."</p><p> </p><p>"I always told you that," grumbles Amethyst, picking at a loose thread in the fabric seat of her chair. "You always got so snarky over it."</p><p> </p><p>"I..." Pearl gives her a guilty look. "I wanted to do better. Not just for me. I wanted to show you that - to prove I could - oh, I don't know." She trails off, frustrated, searching for the right words as Amethyst watches her and Sapphire patiently regards them both from across the desk.</p><p> </p><p>"I was scared you'd give up on me. I mean - I was sick of me, God knows how you all felt. I wanted to show you it was worth it - that I could be worth it." She bows her head, voice low as she adds, "I don't seem to have done a very good job."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl..." Amethyst glances at Sapphire, who makes no objection, before she carries on. "You - you've always been worth it. That's the point. Sure, I got hella frustrated when I was tryin' to convince you of that and you just couldn't get it into your head. But - you can't get mad. It wasn't you, y'know?" She ventures a smile. "I know it wasn't you. You were sick. You didn't have to prove shit to me. I liked you all the same."</p><p> </p><p>"When did that stop?" Pearl says quietly, to her knees. "You didn't give up on me when I wanted to - I mean, when I was - you<em> know</em>. Back then. But you were set to leave me, so... it must have stopped being worth your while, at some point."</p><p> </p><p><em>Fuck, dude.</em> Amethyst swallows, and lets go of Pearl's hand. </p><p> </p><p>"...I dunno," she manages. She feels uncomfortable, the plaintive directness of Pearl's words having caught her by surprise. "Like, it wasn't a conscious thing. I just... fuck, I don't know." She cracks her knuckles, just for something to do with her hands, which are suddenly shaking. "I don't know, okay? I just - jeez." She gives a pleading look to Sapphire, imploring her wordlessly to say something, <em>anything,</em> to shift the focus from Amethyst. Mercifully, Sapphire takes the bait. </p><p> </p><p>"I think this is a good place to conclude for this week," she says, voice seeming oddly loud in the silence which suddenly seems to press in on Amethyst from every angle. "What I'm going to give you is a worksheet, which you can fill out or use as a template if you'd prefer, that you can use to identify points of conflict within your marriage."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl squints slightly as she tries to read the worksheet in Sapphire's hand upside-down. Stars, on a bad day she and Amethyst could fill that whole page inside an <em>hour</em>.</p><p> </p><p>"When you recognise conflict building," Sapphire presses on, "rather than responding to the emotional arousal, take the time to note down what happened, the thoughts it caused in you, and how it made you feel. Then, wait fifteen minutes, or longer if you need - and after that, see if you feel able to discuss the issue you've identified, without using value judgements of each other. There are some examples on the back of the worksheet." She passes the neatly stapled papers to Pearl, the sticky note on the front reading 'Alvarez-DeWitt' in neat, round handwriting. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," murmurs Pearl, glancing over the worksheet with an inward swoop of dread. Amethyst jerks her head, Pearl feeling the tension rolling off her in waves like heat off tarmac. </p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome," smiles Sapphire. "I'll see you both at the same time next week?"</p><p> </p><p>"That's fine by me," Pearl answers politely, then hesitates at her wife's silence. "...Amethyst?"</p><p> </p><p>The shaking of Amethyst's hands persists, spreads like wildfire - up her arms, her shoulders, her entire torso; and even her lungs seem to shudder, as a wobbly little gasp slips past her lip no matter how hard she bites down to keep it from trembling, too. No, no, <em>no</em> - she cannot, will not, cry in front of Sapphire.</p><p> </p><p>She has to get out. Now. She manages a hasty thumbs-up, mumbling something barely intelligible that could be either 'thank you' or 'fuck you', before she dives out of her chair and hurtles into the corridor outside.</p><p> </p><p>As the door slams behind her, Pearl hears a muffled sob, and winces. She knows this dance well - even back in the good days, when they were each other's greatest comfort, Amethyst would always hide her face or turn away if she felt in danger of tears. She hates to be <em>seen</em> when she breaks down, and chasing after her will only drive her further away. Her best bet is to wait by the car, until the tempest subsides and Amethyst is ready to come back under her own steam. </p><p> </p><p>Sapphire's expression is inscrutable, but her demeanour is as unruffled as if clients routinely burst into tears and run out of her appointments.</p><p> </p><p>"...So, five-thirty next week?"</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Hey, sweetie!" Ruby calls out from the stove as Sapphire enters through their front door. "Hope you don't mind, I started dinner."</p><p> </p><p>"Not a bit of it," sighs Sapphire appreciatively, setting down her purse and keys before she divests herself of her jacket. "It's been a while since we had carnitas tacos, after all."</p><p> </p><p>"How do you <em>do</em> that?" Ruby exclaims good-naturedly, before setting the pan on the stove to the lowest simmer and devoting her full attention to Sapphire, crossing the floor to kiss her as she turns from the coatrack. Sapphire smiles against her wife's lips as she relaxes.</p><p> </p><p>"Hello," she murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>"Hello yourself," Ruby returns, stroking her cheek, the dark skin thinner and more lined than in their youth but still no less beautiful. If anything, the natural silver of her hair makes Sapphire more striking, especially with the unusual blue of her eye. “Forty two years and I never get tired of looking at you.”</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm," Sapphire nestles her cheek against Ruby's warm hand. "You, my love, are a master of flattery."</p><p> </p><p>"Is it working?"</p><p> </p><p>"Always," Sapphire sighs, pressing a quick kiss into the crease of her wife's palm. Ruby notices the tension in Sapphire's posture, with a slight frown of concern. </p><p> </p><p>“You look beat. Can I get you anything, hon?”</p><p> </p><p>“Could I get a glass of wine, please?” Sapphire asks, then pauses. “A<em> large</em> one.”</p><p> </p><p>"Sure thing," Ruby says, passing by the stovetop to prod at the carnitas, then fetching a glass, opening the refrigerator, pouring a generous measure of chardonnay. She stoppers the bottle, tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth in concentration, before returning to present the glass to her wife.  “Rough day?”</p><p> </p><p>“Long afternoon,” Sapphire sighs, taking a long sip as Ruby takes her free hand, leading her to the chaise. </p><p> </p><p>“I know you can’t tell me about it - doctor-patient confidentiality and all," Ruby tells her as they sit down, "but you know I’m here for you, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire smiles. “I do. I... “ She rests her head against her wife’s shoulder. “I’m <em>so</em> grateful for you. And for Garnet."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, we raised a good one," Ruby agrees. "Say, I was thinking - "</p><p> </p><p>"No, Ruby," Sapphire interrupts, fond. "Our daughter does not want or need a convertible."</p><p> </p><p>"But Sapph - "</p><p> </p><p>"She's perfectly happy with the Fusion, leave her be," Sapphire smiles, leaning against Ruby as her mind drifts. "I... things could have been so different. We are very lucky. <em>I'm</em> very lucky.” Her voice catches, and Ruby's hand in hers gives a reassuring squeeze as her wife pulls her into a gentle kiss.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, now," Ruby says, in the soft tone she saves for Sapphire alone - loving bordering on worshipful - as she wraps an arm around her to rub her tight shoulders. "It's okay. You sure you’re alright, Sapphy?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. Just.... we really do have a good daughter."</p><p> </p><p>“The best,” Ruby smiles. “Just like her mom.”</p><p> </p><p>“You charmer," Sapphire laughs, corners of her eye crinkling as Ruby smirks.</p><p> </p><p>“Who said I meant you?”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sweet mother of fuck. if the first nine chapters basically wrote themselves, this chapter had to be dragged out of me like an exorcism. if the first nine chapters were a lazy river cruise, this one was a high velocity journey face-first through a vortex of human shit. if the first nine chapters were 1998, Tubthumping playing on the discman as you skated to blockbuster in a gentle breeze, then this last one was 2020. you get the idea. </p><p>back at it now but still up in the air schedule-wise between school, lockdown and COVID - this year is WILD. not like a cool party, more like a mad rabid badger. best I can commit to is 'I will update whenever I can', so realistically we'll hit chapter 27 at some point in the next... decade.<br/>Thank you to all those who've read, commented and left kudos - you give me life and, more importantly, the motivation to crack the fuck on with this fic. &lt;3</p><p>Concrit always welcome - and, as I'm desperately in need of a beta reader, anyone who fancies reading several thousand words of Pearlmethyst angst at irregular intervals hmu</p><p>side note: if you read this fic and relate to Pearl you should 110% get some help. depression is a menace. you deserve to be okay.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. crashing into the unknown, we're lost in this, but it feels like home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl and Amethyst rediscover common ground; while in the past, Amethyst makes a Plan and reckons with the realities of bringing it to fruition.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The evening sun is drooping towards the horizon behind the urban sprawl; shadows stretching, between the last hazy orange rays of daylight setting the sidewalk aglow. Amethyst trails back round the block to the parking lot, wiping her nose on her sleeve and sniffing hard.</p><p> </p><p>Her phone has been buzzing like a jar of angry bees in her pocket for the past half hour, and she dreads to think how pissed Pearl is at her for bailing so suddenly - and, she reflects, with an internal grimace, <em>rudely</em>. She’d taken off at a run, slowed to a walk once she’d gotten out of view of any prying eyes, and made her miserable way round the block on a loop until she felt halfway ready to face her wife.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing damply, she figures she best reckon with fate before she has to get into the car. She digs out her phone and scrolls down through her recent unread messages.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Half off at Fish Stew Pizza! Buy one full size pizza and get a second for only $9. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She deletes the first message, reading the second, which is from Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Amethyst, I know you’re upset, and I’m not going to crowd you. I’ll be waiting in the car. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The third message is from Steven, with a an accompanying picture.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>AMETHYST!!!1!! ✨🌟 💎🙌🏻 my class took a FIELD TRIP to a FARM today!!!! 🤩🤩🤩 LOOK at this MELON its ME!!!!! 🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉 WATERMELON STEVEN!!!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The photo is a little blurry and lopsided, but she has to admit the nobbly shape of the gigantic melon is a surprising match for the wide curls of Steven’s hair. She fires off a quick holding message - <em>lookin good kiddo. driving rn but loads of love from me, P and Opal! - </em>before reading the next message, which is from Greg, sent almost immediately after Steven's.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sorry Amethyst - Steven just got emojis and is super excited about it. How’s life? Would be great to hang soon. Schtu-Ball would love to see you guys. :) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Greg can wait. The fifth, sixth and seventh messages are Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m going to get a coffee while I wait for you. Should I get you anything? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Amethyst, it’s been almost three quarters of an hour and we have to pick up Opal. You don’t have to talk, but we can’t be late. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>If you don’t come back, or call me, within fifteen minutes then I’m driving home without you and you can get a cab. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t put it past Pearl to follow through on that threat. Feeling a rising tide of dread welling up within her, she replies as she quickens her pace.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>sorry. back in 5.</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Amethyst mutters, sliding into the front passenger seat. Pearl is sat on the driver's side, hands on the wheel, and doesn't turn her head to look at her as she sits down. Amethyst sighs, running her hands through her hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for waiting," she says, awkwardly, breaking the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“I brought your worksheet. And I got you coffee,” Pearl says, briskly but not unkindly, indicating the cup nestled in the holder on the front passenger side. “It’s probably cold now, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, it’s good. Thank you,” Amethyst says as she picks up the coffee, bemused by Pearl’s comparatively calm demeanour. “Surprised you’ve not made me wear it, after keeping you hangin’ around.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sighs, takes one hand off the wheel and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I... wasn’t really going to drive off without you. And I know we have ample time to collect Opal. I - just - I was worried, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Worried?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, worried," answers Pearl, turning to look at her, her frown showing the faintest beginnings of crow's feet at the corners of her eyes. "You took off, clearly upset, in a strange neighbourhood where anything could’ve happened, and didn't even text! I - I just wanted to make sure you were safe."</p><p> </p><p>“You’re talking like you give a damn what happens to me,” Amethyst mutters, taking a sip of her coffee.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course I do,” Pearl snaps, then she grips the steering wheel, takes a deep breath, and when she speaks again her voice is far gentler. “Of <em>course</em> I do. And I’m glad you’re okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst raises an eyebrow, and Pearl has the grace to blush.</p><p> </p><p>“Well - not <em>okay</em>. But, safe. And...” Pearl bites her lip. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me. I know it’s my fault you’re upset and - “</p><p> </p><p>“Hold up,” Amethyst cuts her off. “You think I’m upset at you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well... obviously,” Pearl answers, giving her a guilty sidelong glance. “I asked you a difficult question and you stormed out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t - aw, fuck,” Amethyst groans, shaking her head. She takes a slow sip of her coffee while she tries to get her words in order, noticing at last the flavour. Dulce de leche - her favourite. Pearl is clearly trying. She can at least meet her halfway.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, P, I hate talking about this deep shit as much as you. Neither of us come across lookin' great when we dredge up all the old stuff, y'know? And you know me, I’d rather just - crack jokes, or find a distraction, or somethin'. And I feel shitty because this was my idea in the first place and we both just come out feelin' like hell.”</p><p> </p><p>"We don't... have to keep coming," Pearl offers, haltingly. Amethyst swigs her coffee, waving her free hand. </p><p> </p><p>"Nah, it's like - only fair to give it our best shot, right? Only thing we haven't tried. It isn't meant to be easy, y'know," she replies. “But like - you just dropped that on me. Back there in the appointment. About you thinkin’ you stopped being worth my effort? That hurt. Like a motherfucker.”</p><p> </p><p>“Language,” Pearl scolds. Amethyst rolls her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Opal ain’t here, and unless you got Sapphire stashed in the trunk, it's just you and me.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the <em>principle</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“What-the-fuck-ever,” Amethyst counters, sardonic. “You totally put me on the spot in there.”</p><p> </p><p>She can feel the old savage impulse flaring up inside her: the urge to keep needling until she gets a rise out of Pearl, just to get her to stop acting so damn <em>perfect </em>and making Amethyst look and feel shitty in comparison. Whenever she prodded Pearl to the point of an outburst, she could finally feel like they were on an even keel as both of them came undone in the ugliest way - raising voices, spitting insults, exploiting their unique knowledge of one another's weaknesses. </p><p> </p><p>She realises, as she notices the rising tide of anger, that this is exactly what Sapphire wants them to not be doing. It takes work. But she clenches her jaw for a long moment, breathing hard through her nose, and then through gritted teeth manages to hiss out, "Sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl blinks. "You're... actually apologising?"</p><p> </p><p>"I got mad, alright? Not cool - I get it." She closes her eyes and sighs. "I'm workin' on it. I'm sorry I took it out on you. But you can't just drop a bomb on me like that. It... made me feel crappy, that you honestly think I'd thrown the towel in because of that."</p><p> </p><p>“It was an honest question.”</p><p> </p><p>“I - “ Amethyst almost pops the lid off her coffee cup from squeezing it too hard. “I can’t just - say all the right words like you can! You sprung that on me and I didn’t have time to, like, think, but - Jesus, Pearl.” Her eyes are stinging again. “If I’d fuckin' given up on you, we wouldn’t be spunking money on sessions with Sapphire. I didn’t - I <em>haven’t</em> given up." She balls her free hand into a fist, pressing her bitten nails hard into the meat of her palm, the pinch of pain just barely keeping her from fresh tears.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst - "</p><p> </p><p>"No. Don't." The words come out louder and harsher than she intended, and she sees Pearl flinch. "Sorry," she groans. "I didn't - I just - jeez. Gimme a minute?"</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Pearl concedes, and they sit in near-silence as Amethyst struggles to get a hold on herself. Finally, when she's confident she can open her mouth without breaking down, she speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>“You being sick has <em>nothing</em> to do with how screwed up we are now, okay?” she manages, thickly. “Not a damn thing. So don’t go makin’ out it does.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think it does.” The sad, resigned note in Pearl's voice makes Amethyst's heart sink.</p><p> </p><p>“Well... not in the way you think. And however this shit goes down, I never thought any less of you for havin’ all your... stuff.” She swipes angrily at her cheek as a tear drips down. “Issues. Baggage. Whatever. Even if everything else is a goddamn dumpster fire, I never held that against you, ‘kay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nor I you,” Pearl says, voice low and shaky.</p><p> </p><p>They sit for a long moment as the streetlight nearest the parking lot flares into life, bathing them in harsh white light. Amethyst drains her coffee, sniffling, as Pearl tries and fails to mop her eyes without Amethyst noticing.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Amethyst catches Pearl's gaze in the rearview mirror. “C’mere. You’re all smudgy.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl turns her damp face, not quite able to meet Amethyst’s red-rimmed eyes with her own. Amethyst licks her thumb and deftly wipes a streak of mascara from her wife's cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“Gross,” she manages, feebly. Amethyst laughs - hollowly, but without malice.</p><p> </p><p>“How the hell did we fall in love again?”</p><p> </p><p>“Haven’t we already covered that with Sapphire?”</p><p> </p><p>“True,” Amethyst sighs, lost for a moment in memory. “Y’know, I really liked that blanket fort.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve made others.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, with Steven and Opal. But that one was hella fun. No rules, no kids, no mess.”</p><p> </p><p>“You spilled wine on my mattress and got macaroni <em>in</em> my pillowcase.”</p><p> </p><p>“I did,” Amethyst forces a smirk, rolling her stiff shoulders as she looks at Pearl. “And you married me anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>“I did,” Pearl sighs. “I certainly did. Are you ready to head home?”</p><p> </p><p>“Wait up a sec,” Amethyst stills Pearl’s hand as she reaches for the clutch. “Do you - ugh, hang on. Do...” She swallows, not able to look up, afraid of the answer. “D’you regret it?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Marrying me.”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Pearl’s answer is immediate, and her knuckles whiten on the clutch before she twists her palm and catches Amethyst’s fingers between her own. They sit, motionless, Pearl’s long pale hand tightly laced with Amethyst’s paint-flecked one.</p><p> </p><p>“Me neither,” Amethyst manages, a minute or more later.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Pearl breathes. “So... you’ll do the homework?”</p><p> </p><p>“I guess.” Amethyst tries for a laugh. “Not like we don't give ourselves plenty of material. Can’t exactly cheat off of Garnet or Lapis this time.”</p><p> </p><p>“That,” Pearl returns, starting the car at last, “would be odd. And put your seatbelt on, please.”</p><p> </p><p>As Amethyst buckles up, she chances a quick look at Pearl under her wet lashes, and catches Pearl looking at her. Her wife gives her the tiniest of smiles, before turning her gaze to her mirror as she deftly reverses out of the parking bay.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"How are we doing today?" Sapphire asks, after they sit down in her office a week later.</p><p> </p><p>"We're... alright," Amethyst ventures tentatively, raising an eyebrow at Pearl, who sighs resignedly.</p><p> </p><p>"I've - been having a hard time at work this week. I had to lead the pitch on our business case for the systems upgrade we've desperately needed for years. It's more expensive, but will save a lot of time that we can then reallocate, but..."</p><p> </p><p>"She's been stressed as hell," Amethyst puts it, bluntly. "They pile the pressure on whenever it's, like, some huge reporting deadline or audit. And Pearl..." here, she throws her wife a sympathetic glance, "well - she kinda brings her work home with her."</p><p> </p><p>"I believe we've touched on your work-life balance before, Pearl. Remind me what it is that each of you do?"</p><p> </p><p>"Senior information systems analyst," Pearl reels off. Amethyst fights back a smile at Pearl's permanent inability to not state her full title, like a precocious kid who can't help but remind everyone they made honor roll.</p><p> </p><p>"High school teacher," she offers. "Art, mostly, but I guess I do a bit of the pastoral stuff. Setting the kids straight if they're runnin' their mouth or it looks like they're goin' down a bad path, y'know?" </p><p> </p><p>"You enjoy being a role model," Sapphire offers. Amethyst smiles, half-hidden by her bangs.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, yeah. It's hard work, don't get me wrong. They start out acting like they're all that, y'know - fronting, cutting class, backtalk, all kinds of junk. But they're... well, they're just kids. And they're <em>good</em> kids, really. I mean, they can be real little shits - " She groans, smacking her forehead as she checks herself. "Gotta stop doin' that. Sorry, Sapphire. That's a dollar in the swear jar from me."</p><p> </p><p>If Sapphire is bothered by Amethyst's language, she doesn't let on. "It's always most rewarding to be in a career where you feel you're making the most of your skill set."</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno about that," Amethyst shrugs. "Took me forever to figure out what I wanted to do. I kind of fell into the job - started helping out with this art club my friend Vidalia's kid went to during vacation, and... it didn't totally suck. Plus I hated my service job by then and knew I needed out, so went in for teaching." She laughs. "Glad I picked high school, though. Couldn't have handled all those snot-nosed rugrats day-in, day-out. I love our kid, sure, but thirty at once?"</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire twinkles. "How old is your little one, again?"</p><p> </p><p>"She's six," Pearl answers immediately. "Seven in October."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, what a wonderful age. And her name is...?"</p><p> </p><p>"Opal," replies Amethyst, breaking into a grin as she shakes her head. "I know, I know - we've got a real theme going here. But it just..."</p><p> </p><p>"...Suited her," Pearl finishes, returning Amethyst's smile. Sapphire nods approvingly, steepling her fingers as she regards them from across the desk. </p><p> </p><p>"So how have things been at home lately, with the pressures of work on top of having a young child?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl and Amethyst regard each other warily. Amethyst gestures to Pearl. </p><p> </p><p>"You wanna - ?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Okay," Pearl dips her head. "Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't mention it," Amethyst waves her hand, stretching back in her chair as Pearl takes a deep breath. </p><p> </p><p>"I've been <em>very</em> stressed. I'm tired, I'm not sleeping very well - it always happens when I get anxious - and... I've taken it out on Amethyst. More than once." She eyes her own neat handwriting on the worksheets in her lap, guiltily glancing between them and Sapphire's placid expression. "I even yelled at Opal. I feel terrible about it."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you still feel you have issues separating your professional endeavours from your own self-worth?" Sapphire asks. Pearl squirms under her laser-like gaze.</p><p> </p><p>"...Yes," she admits, gnawing at her lip. "I do try to leave it behind when I finish work, but whenever there's a deadline coming up it's so hard to switch my head off. I'll be doing dishes or reading Opal a story and my brain is still going over risk management reports."</p><p> </p><p>"She can't - I mean, literally <em>cannot</em> handle leaving it up to the rest of her team. She once dialled into a teleconference on our anniversary," Amethyst adds, bitterness creeping in at the edges. Pearl looks abashed, and Amethyst shrugs, continuing on. "But like... she's always been a workaholic. It didn't seem like the worst thing in the world back when we were workin' shit out." Her dark eyes widen, and she grimaces, holding up her hands guiltily. "Two dollars. If it helps, I<em> never</em> cuss around the kids."</p><p> </p><p>"How would you say Pearl's work-life balance affects you, Amethyst?" Sapphire asks. Amethyst lowers her hands, puckering her lips and blowing air out of one side of her cheek, playing for time as Pearl stares guiltily down at her hands.</p><p> </p><p>"It sucks, sometimes. Like, you feel like she'd rather be at work than at home. But I know it's just... how she is. She's extra as all get-out, and she works really hard, always has done." She catches Pearl's eye as she slowly raises her head, looking askance at Amethyst through the strawberry-blonde veil of her hair, as she speaks on.</p><p> </p><p>"So, sure, sometimes it drives me crazy - this week was one of those times. I just wanted her to chill out. And it ain't fair on Opal if her moms are stressed about work when she just wants attention, or whatever."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," Pearl whispers. Amethyst sighs, exasperated.</p><p> </p><p>"I know you are, P. And sometimes I'm all in my head about work, too - when I got parent-teacher conferences coming up, or get wound up about the quality improvement junk I have to submit, just to prove I'm not just letting kids sit around on their phones in class. But like... we both gotta try to knock it off for Opal, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst's supplicating tone, on the heels of a week when she knows full well she has been a real <em>bitch</em>, has Pearl's shoulders slumping in disbelief even as she nods in agreement. Sapphire smiles kindly at them over her desk. </p><p> </p><p>"Balancing parenting and a career is difficult at the best of times. All anyone can be expected to do is try their best and, most importantly, be willing to communicate and compromise."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst glances at Pearl, who is staring hard at the worksheets clutched in her hand, blinking hard. She sighs, reaches over to nudge her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Stop bein' hard on yourself. It wasn't just you. We got the receipts," she adds, grimly, nodding towards the papers in Pearl's grip. "...I said some hella harsh stuff to you, too, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl says nothing, but a tear splashes onto the papers, smudging the biro scrawl of Amethyst's writing in one of the neat, lined boxes. Amethyst gives up, retracts her hand with a shrug. <em>Sometimes you gotta know when to fold 'em</em>.</p><p> </p><p>"Basically," she says, turning back to Sapphire, "it was kind of a crummy week. But... I get it. She's driven. She worked super hard to get where she is now, and it's tough for her to like - let go of it. She gets tunnel vision. It's always been like this."</p><p> </p><p>"In what sense?" Sapphire asks.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst gives a wry chuckle. "God. Okay, so, she came, like... <em>this</em> close - " she illustrates the point with thumb and forefinger held an inch apart, " - to tanking my proposal by working a weekend, just because she was freaking out that this new system wouldn't run right. Had to get Lapis and Peridot to run interference on that one." She grimaces. "More like had to <em>bribe</em> Lapis and Peridot to run interference. Those two drive a hard bargain."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know that," murmurs Pearl as she lifts her head, wiping her eyes as surreptitiously as possible. Amethyst gives a low whistle.</p><p> </p><p>"You <em>saw</em> the sound system at Lapis and Peri's old place, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl snaps upright to gape at her open-mouthed, halfway to a rebuke over the extravagance, but Amethyst cuts her off.</p><p> </p><p>"Not like it mattered anyway. Whole thing was a shitshow end to end."</p><p> </p><p>"Three dollars," mutters Pearl, but she herself is teetering on the edge of a watery half-smile. "You're not wrong, though. I ruined <em>everything</em>." </p><p> </p><p>"Nah, wasn't your fault."</p><p> </p><p>"But you tried so <em>hard</em> - "</p><p> </p><p>"Got hitched, though, didn't we?" Amethyst interrupts. "Like, better the proposal go to hell in a handbasket than the wedding."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire's eyebrow raises questioningly, as Pearl and Amethyst tail off, glancing from each other to the older woman. </p><p> </p><p>"You go ahead," Pearl says. "You tell it better."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst crosses one leg over the other, smiling despite herself. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, so we were twenty-six. Greg knew a guy who knew a guy who had a bodyshop - fixin' up cars, buyin' scrap, kind of thing. Anyway he calls me up one day, says they got this car..."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"I cannot believe," Pearl intones, dismayed, "that you went and bought this... thing."</p><p> </p><p>"C'mon, Pearl," pleads Amethyst. "It's my first car! I'm finally gonna be able to apply for jobs that aren't on a bus route."</p><p> </p><p>As she speaks, she gestures to the ancient Dondai clumsily parked out front of It's a Wash. Greg and Steven are round at Vidalia's for a playdate, but as their apartment building has no parking, he'd agreed to let Amethyst have the car dropped there.</p><p> </p><p>"It's falling to bits," Garnet says, simply. "I told you I didn't mind driving you to interviews."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, G, and I love you for it and all, but this is like... independence, y'know?" Amethyst replies, bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet. "Plus you'll be out of grad school soon, and who knows where you'll end up - and if I get a job out of town I'll have to be able to get my ass there and back. <em>And</em> Greg's buddy at the auto repair store said he'll be able to get me parts basically at cost price."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," Pearl raises a suspicious eyebrow. "I wasn't aware that you had any experience in fixing up broken-down old vehicles."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't," Amethyst chirrups, standing on tiptoe to peck her on the cheek, fixing her girlfriend with her most winning smile. "But... I know someone who does."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl groans, "you cannot... rope me into all your hare-brained schemes without so much as asking first."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, duh," Amethyst shrugs, matter-of-factly. "You'd have said no. I used <em>initiative</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"That's one way of putting it," Garnet grins. Pearl shoots her an incredulous look. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't you encourage her!" she says, with an indignant swat at Garnet's broad shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"No need," Garnet replies, crooking an eyebrow at Pearl, and adjusting her glasses with a smirk. "I know you. You can never resist a challenge if people think it's out of your league."</p><p> </p><p>"I - " Pearl blushes, flustered, folding her arms. "Nobody said - "</p><p> </p><p>"Oh-ho," Amethyst drawls, catching on as she winds an arm around Pearl. "I get it. No worries if you don't think you can handle it, Pearly, I'll just call Greg and ask his buddy to get it hauled back to the yard. I can probably still get the money back... I'll just explain it was too big a job for us."</p><p> </p><p>"This - now, see, this is manipulation," tries Pearl, but Amethyst and Garnet both notice the way her keen blue eyes are flickering over the rusty carapace of the Dondai. </p><p> </p><p>"Any second now..." Garnet murmurs. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm <em>not</em> as predictable as you both seem to think I am!" huffs Pearl, shouldering her way out of Amethyst's loose embrace. However, she cannot hold herself back from peeping into the rear window of the car. Amethyst punches the air silently, as Garnet places a warm hand on her shoulder, making a shushing gesture as Pearl steps around the car in a circle, muttering thoughtfully to herself. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, the majority of the damage seems to be external - exposure to the elements, God only knows where this thing was parked... The battery will be shot, of course. And oh, I hate to think what state the alternator is in... hmmm."</p><p> </p><p>She kneels down, heedless of her dress as she flattens herself on her belly to peer behind the front wheel, tutting. "Calipers will certainly need replacing. I'll need to get it on blocks to have a proper look at the state of things under there..." She cuts herself off when she glances up to see Amethyst and Garnet's amused expressions.</p><p> </p><p>"I - " she stammers. "I just - don't like to see an innocent car left in this state when it can, theoretically, be salvaged!"</p><p> </p><p>"So you <em>can</em> fix it?" Amethyst asks, excitedly. Pearl purses her lips, trying her best to look disapproving. </p><p> </p><p>"It will be a lot of work. And money. Really, you could have saved just a few months more and bought a used car for the same price..."</p><p> </p><p>"But it wouldn't be as satisfying," wheedles Amethyst. Garnet shakes her head at the shameless enticement; but when Pearl's eyes rest on the Dondai with a gleam of resolve, they both know the matter is settled.</p><p> </p><p>"...I'm not doing this alone," Pearl warns, as Amethyst squeals and throws her arms around her. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, okay, totally - you can teach me shit, have me go track down parts for you, boss me about, whatever. Babe!" Amethyst exclaims, giving her a gleeful shake. "We got a car!"</p><p> </p><p>"We... got a car," Pearl manages, dubiously, drowned out by Amethyst's whoops of delight.</p><p> </p><p>"You got a car," Garnet smiles down at them, a hand on each of their shoulders. "There's a whole new world of adventure out there."</p><p> </p><p>"You two are <em>awful</em>," grumbles Pearl, though she can't help but smile at Amethyst's childlike excitement. "That's a dirty trick, joining forces against me like that."</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever, Pearl," Amethyst murmurs, her round cheek against Pearl's angular one. "Not gonna lie, kinda lookin' forward to seeing you all sweaty and oiled up, givin' me orders..."</p><p> </p><p>"Standing <em>right</em> here, Amethyst," hums Garnet, good-naturedly; and Pearl shoves her girlfriend away, her squawk of embarrassment mingling with Amethyst's carrying laughter.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The car is a labor of love. For many weekends afterward, Pearl and Amethyst find themselves down in the yard outside the car wash, in various states of grease-smeared disarray: Amethyst fetching, carrying and asking a million questions; while Pearl cranks and solders, tuts and curses and - from time to time - stands back to survey a success, with a triumphant sparkle in her eyes that Amethyst finds irresistible. </p><p> </p><p>It's a good thing Pearl is so determined, Amethyst reflects. She can barely wait to have the freedom of a car. Her job is killing her. It barely even feels worth bitching about anymore, but her frustration at being a glorified server at twenty-six is quietly grating on her. She's lucky to have a job full-stop, she knows, but she has started to wonder what else she might be able to do: to think about a future involving a decent salary, sociable hours, and no longer having to come home to Pearl smelling of stale beer.</p><p> </p><p>She has Vidalia and Garnet critique her resumé; confides her plans quietly to Kiki so her co-supervisor isn't blindsided by her someday leaving; and, with the secret talisman of hope held tight to her chest, mostly manages to get through her shifts without screaming.</p><p> </p><p>But dreams begin to ferment in her head, buoyed up by her creative spirit. Some days when Pearl disappears behind the hood or under the body of the Dondai with her jaw set, gearing up for a particularly gruelling replacement or repair, she appeals to Peridot to sub in for her - so excused, she and Lapis slip away to the junkyard for a few hours and come back paint-speckled, revived and quietly determined.</p><p> </p><p>And Peridot is, by her own humble admission, a far superior assistant to Amethyst, so it's not like Pearl misses her for her technical expertise.</p><p> </p><p>However, if Amethyst is ambitious, Pearl is paralysed by self-doubt. When an opportunity opens up to apply for a more senior position within Agate Products - system support officer, rather than office clerk - Pearl is reluctant in the extreme to go for it. She isn't ready, she tells them, until she is blue in the face. She doesn't have enough experience. Her anxiety would scupper her in the job, even if by some miracle she did scrape by the interview. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst, Garnet, Lapis and Peridot all unanimously call bullshit, and set about talking her round. Amethyst wheedles, Garnet counsels, Lapis snarks, and Peridot rationalises, and in the end it's more to get them to finally let the matter rest that Pearl turns in her application. When she is called to interview, she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. And after sweating through said interview, quite on the verge of vomiting from nerves, then rushing home to bawl to Amethyst that she had screwed the whole thing up, the call comes.</p><p> </p><p>"Hello?" Amethyst hears from where she'd beaten a hasty retreat to the kitchen, wisely giving Pearl a wide berth to take the call, in case her worst fears were confirmed. "Yes, speaking. Oh - it was a pleasure to meet you, too. Feedback - yes, of course."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst crosses all her fingers, leaning back against the refrigerator. She would never claim to be religious, despite her Catholic roots leaving her with cousins in damn near every state - but just in case there's anyone listening, she fires off a quick arrow prayer in her head: <em>please, God, or Gods, whoever - please let her have gotten it. She deserves it. Let her have something good happen.</em></p><p> </p><p>"Yes... Oh. Thank you. Right... Oh. Of course. Yes, I understand. Thank you so much for your time. Have a wonderful afternoon." Then, silence. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst peers nervously around the corner. Pearl is clutching her stomach with both shaking hands, eyes wide.</p><p> </p><p>"...Who was that, babe?" she asks, as she tentatively approaches. </p><p> </p><p>"...The director of Hessonite Division," Pearl manages, voice barely above a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>"Right." Amethyst brushes a few used tissues off the couch, where they'd been discarded during Pearl's storm of tears earlier, and sits carefully down with one hand coming to rest on Pearl's trembling shoulder. "...How was the feedback?"</p><p> </p><p>"I think..." Pearl says, slowly, "...I <em>think</em> I was just offered the job."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst's eyes widen as she throws her arms around Pearl, who lets a hysterical, nervous giggle escape as she finally relaxes. </p><p> </p><p>"Thatta girl, Pearl! Wait - whadd'ya mean, you think?"</p><p> </p><p>"I - well, they said my performance in the aptitude test was outstanding, and that my interview responses were excellent. They said that based on this and my good reference, and being an internal candidate, they'd be delighted to offer me the job, for immediate start once I've worked my notice in my current position."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl allows herself a smile, relief lighting up her whole face, but then bites her lip. "However, they still need to send me the paperwork, and I'll need to hand in my notice once I sign the contract, and there could always be a clerical error, or perhaps they meant to call somebody else..."</p><p> </p><p>"Pierogi, you nailed it - listen to yourself. That's the anxiety talking," Amethyst reminds her, stroking her cheek before replacing her thumb with her lips; peppering Pearl's thin face with kisses, overflowing with pride. "Wait 'til Garnet hears. She's gonna be so psyched for you. The others too. Oh, man, we gotta celebrate this somehow!"</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl cautions, "we shouldn't celebrate until I've received and read over my contract."</p><p> </p><p>"Contract, schmontract. My girlfriend is amazing - and smart - and talented - and she is <em>finally</em> gonna be shot of running dumb errands for that stuffed shirt Holly Blue!" Amethyst jumps up, pulls Pearl to her feet, pulling her down for a kiss against her smiling lips. "What d'you wanna do? We could go out, have the gang round - whatever you want."</p><p> </p><p>"I would prefer something simple," Pearl manages, gingerly. "And... just the two of us, maybe? At least until everything is formalised."</p><p> </p><p>"Can do, Sweet P. What d'you fancy?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl considers for a long moment as Amethyst beams at her, excited on Pearl's behalf even as her girlfriend exercises her characteristic caution.</p><p> </p><p>"Could we... maybe take a drive? I know the car still needs work, but it should be up to a test drive now, and it would be so good to get out of the city for an afternoon."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Amethyst tells her, punctating her sentence with another kiss, "I would literally walk it, if that's what you wanted. Plus I'll have you with me if the car does crap out on us."</p><p> </p><p>"Just how I always imagined celebrating a promotion," giggles Pearl, finally allowing herself to relax into a full smile as she teasingly taps Amethyst's nose, "Covered in engine oil, fixing a beaten-up car on the side of the highway, halfway out of state."</p><p> </p><p>"Your wish is my command," Amethyst smirks.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>In the end, it isn't the car that lets them down, but the weather.</p><p> </p><p>They drive about an hour upstate, following the coast, to Pearl's chosen location: a cape she'd visited as a kid that apparently had incredible views, a stone's throw from a you-pick strawberry farm which she'd gone to once on a field trip. Amethyst had offered to drive her anywhere that was reachable on a full tank of gas, but Pearl had held her ground, and Amethyst had conceded - after promising to give her the most perfect promotion picnic ever.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, the you-pick is closed the day they make the trip due to an irrigation issue requiring maintenance, and the fluffy white clouds that had dotted the blue sky as they set out on their journey have multiplied, then banded together, and grown ominously low and grey. As they reach the headland, the views Pearl had spoken so rapturously about are obscured by cloud, and there's a chilly breeze that makes even sitting on the hood of the car a less-than-pleasant experience, sending them retreating back to the comparative warmth and shelter of the car.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, Pearl," Amethyst says, for the millionth time, as she shuts the drivers' side door. But Pearl is smiling still, and her pale hand finds Amethyst's arm to give her a comforting squeeze.</p><p> </p><p>"Please don't be. I'm still enjoying this."</p><p> </p><p>"But - we didn't get your strawberries, and the weather is crappy," Amethyst gestures forlornly to the darkening sky. As if on cue, a few drops of rain begin to pelt the windscreen, and she allows herself a groan of frustration. But Pearl - perfectionist Pearl, who can't handle one single detail of her plans not going exactly how she'd foreseen it - actually laughs aloud.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't care about the strawberries, really, or the weather - though we should come back sometime. After checking the weather report," she adds, giving Amethyst a nudge in the ribs.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, cut it out," Amethyst grumbles, feeling irritated at herself and mortified to have made a hash of Pearl's special day out after talking such a big game. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, darling - no, come on," Pearl's hand finds her neck, tucking a stray tendril of purple hair behind her ear, then settles to stroking the curve of her shoulder. "I really am enjoying myself. It's just good to be somewhere that isn't the city, and to have you all to myself."</p><p> </p><p>"For real?" Amethyst asks, halfway mollified, but still feeling guilty. Pearl's answering smile is as warm and sweet as the kiss she tucks into the crease of Amethyst's neck. </p><p> </p><p>"For real. We can still have our picnic - right here." Pearl gestures to the back seats, where she had insisted on strapping in the picnic basket and blanket Amethyst had prepared. "And I honestly don't mind the weather. We're warm, and dry, and I get to sit with you and listen to the rain. It's... honestly, kind of romantic."</p><p> </p><p>"That is... super on brand for us," Amethyst relents, won over by Pearl and that damn irresistible smile. "C'mon, then. Better make a break for it before the rain gets any heavier, don't want you gettin' double pneumonia or some shit just before you start your new job."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They eat their sandwiches sat criss-cross applesauce on the back seats, Pearl managing not to complain too much as Amethyst sprays crumbs on the recently-reupholstered seats. As they toast to Pearl's new job with juice boxes, the rain outside begins to pelt down harder and the sky darkens. Pearl's pink bow lips are pursed around her straw, as she regards the threatening sky.</p><p> </p><p>"Cumulonimbus. Look, see? Stormclouds - convection currents in the air form them, you can spot them from the shape..." As she trails off, she points to the heavens, and Amethyst can't resist the urge to press a kiss against her cheek, leaving a stamp of mayo in her wake. Pearl laughs as she scrubs the spot with a napkin.</p><p> </p><p>"Good job Peridot's not here," Amethyst murmurs, jerking her head towards the bank of dark clouds rolling in over the slate-grey sea, almost blurred out by the rain. "She'd have a total shit fit. Hates storms."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl chides. "Be nice."</p><p> </p><p>"I am," Amethyst protests. "If she <em>was</em> here I'd give her my earphones and floor it back to Beach City so she could ride it out at home. Honest."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is satisfied with her answer, but her eyes widen as the sky is momentarily illuminated by a distant flash of white light. </p><p> </p><p>"Ooh!" she murmurs, sitting bolt upright, counting seconds under her breath. She's almost at fifty-five when a low rumble of thunder sets her muttering through her mental math, sinking back into her seat in satisfaction a moment later. "Eighteen kilometers away. Give or take, as there'll always be some slight variation..."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is impressed even as she gives a wary glance at the sky. "Cool. I'm not Peri, but like, is it... a good idea to be in this hunk of junk, on top of a cliff, during a storm?" </p><p> </p><p>Pearl waves her hand impatiently. "Oh, it's a fair way away, and see - the clouds are moving further up the coastline. But we get to watch from inside."</p><p> </p><p>"Sure. Kind of cold, though," Amethyst comments. </p><p> </p><p>"I can try the heater," Pearl exclaims, leaning between the front seats and fumbling at a switch on the dashboard. Nothing happens, and she frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay... So, maybe the wiring on that needs some more work," she sighs, annoyance flickering across her features before she gasps. "Don't worry, Amethyst, we still... have... radio!" </p><p> </p><p>Her frantic twisting of dials and pressing of buttons is, sadly, anticlimatic. Amethyst bites the tip of her thumb to keep from laughing at the crestfallen expression on Pearl's face that follows the dramatic flourish.</p><p> </p><p>"Well. Okay. Well, we do have a tape deck... which contains... hmmm." She pulls out the cassette with slender fingers. "What on Earth is 'Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart'? Some sort of instructional tape?"</p><p> </p><p>"One of Greg's," Amethyst tells her. Pearl immediately wrinkles her nose and drops the tape into the glove compartment between forefinger and thumb, as if it is something repulsive.</p><p> </p><p>"We are not listening to that," she says, flatly. "<em>Ever</em>. I'll rip the player out and put a CD changer in, instead."</p><p> </p><p>At the comically disgusted look on her girlfriend's face, Amethyst can't hold back anymore, and bursts into a gale of laughter that startles Pearl nearly out of her seat.</p><p> </p><p>"What's so funny?"</p><p> </p><p>"This car... is such a piece of shit," she laughs, weakly, tears in her eyes. Pearl, beside her, stares for a long moment before her lips begin to curl involuntarily.</p><p> </p><p>"I did say, I couldn't believe you bought it," she begins, managing to sound haughty up until a laugh bubbles out of her, though she tries to smother it behind her hand. In no time at all, she's spluttering into a giggle fit of her own, though she paws ineffectually at Amethyst's knee in an effort to bring her wheezing laughter to an end.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, no, don't! Don't laugh. I - I can fix it. I promise - I'll get it all in apple-pie order for you, and the next time we try to take a trip we won't end up..." Pearl bites her lip, trying not to laugh herself.</p><p> </p><p>"Stuck freezing our asses off, with no music, on a freaking clifftop in a storm?" Amethyst suggests, grinning.</p><p> </p><p>"Exactly," Pearl manages to squeak, before they are both off again. By the time they can get themselves under control, Pearl is pink in the face, and Amethyst actually has to wipe her eyes and take several deep breaths before she can trust herself not to lapse into hysterics again.</p><p> </p><p>"This has been a clusterfuck," she says, matter-of-factly.</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl chides, smoothing her dress as her cheeks return to their normal colour. "It's been fun. I mean - barely anything has gone according to plan, but... I'm happy."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?" asks Amethyst. "You're... kind of a control freak. I love you," she adds, hurriedly, "but like... this is absolutely the kind of thing you'd usually flip out over."</p><p> </p><p>"Well," Pearl says, leaning across to rest her head against Amethyst's shoulder, watching the trickle of droplets down the glass as the rain continues to fall. "I guess I don't mind things not going perfectly <em>all</em> the time, just as long as I'm with you."</p><p> </p><p>"That was corny as fuck, babe," Amethyst quips, as she brushes a scattering of crumbs off the picnic blanket, shakes it out, and drapes it over their knees.</p><p> </p><p>"You love it." Pearl closes her eyes, slipping her right hand into Amethyst's. "And I was right. Listening to the rain is romantic."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst stills her tongue from any blunt or teasing words, slipping her arm around Pearl's shoulders - without her seatbelt, Pearl has more freedom of movement to lean out of her seat, and she can tuck herself into the crook of Amethyst's elbow without either of them ending up at an awkward angle. Pearl is right, she realises: the steady pattering of raindrops is soothing, and she can't help but find it pleasant; background noise that it is to Pearl's contented little exhale as Amethyst kisses her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>It hits Amethyst, then, that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Pearl. There's no a sudden lightning bolt realisation, but the slow gradual recognition that, as much as the day has been a disaster on paper, there is nowhere on Earth she'd rather be than here - sat in the heap of scrap metal she calls a car, stuck in the rain, with Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>There is nothing special or remarkable about the day aside from who she's spending it with, and Amethyst swallows as she realises that all of a sudden the only thing that scares her about the future is the idea of any part of it not being shared with Pearl. She wants to be there for every event in Pearl's life, far beyond this job offer - she wants to be there to celebrate and commiserate through the good, the bad, and the downright shitty. She wants to be there every time Pearl breaks down, wants Pearl to be the person she breaks down to, now and in every vague half-imagined vision of her life years down the line.</p><p> </p><p>Never before has she felt so seen, so safe, so stable. Their apartment is home to her, not just because of her name on the lease, because that's where Pearl is. Amethyst can't help but give Pearl a little squeeze and another kiss, chaste but tender, as she feels something in her mind sliding into place: nothing sudden or overstated about it, but a soft quiet feeling of calm certainty settling into her psyche, as easily and comfortably as if it had been waiting for her to open the door and welcome it in. </p><p> </p><p>"Is your arm alright?" Pearl murmurs, drowsily, from under her chin.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, it's all good," Amethyst replies, softly. "You can nap for a bit, if you wanna."</p><p> </p><p>"Five minutes," yawns Pearl, and Amethyst's heart feels full to bursting as she strokes Pearl's hair out of her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Five minutes turns to fifteen, which turns to nearly three quarters of an hour. Before long, Amethyst's hand falls asleep, she gets wicked pins-and-needles in her leg, and she kind of has to pee, but she wouldn't disturb Pearl for the world. With the rain continuing its gentle ostinato on the roof and windscreen, Pearl nuzzles against her shoulder, fast asleep and encircled by Amethyst's arm.</p><p> </p><p>She is quite unconscious to the fact that, right beside her, Amethyst is forming a plan. This time she's going to make sure it goes off without a hitch, as perfect as if Pearl organised it herself.</p><p> </p><p>After all, some milestones are too important to risk fucking up.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Holy shit," Lapis breathes, looking at the ring, a month or so later.</p><p> </p><p>"It's beautiful, Amethyst," Garnet beams, approvingly. "Pearl is going to be delighted."</p><p> </p><p>"I suspect a high likelihood of Pearl crying upon being presented with this symbol of your affection," Peridot volunteers. "She is known for being demonstrative when she becomes emotional."</p><p> </p><p>"Y'all reckon?" Amethyst laughs, nervously, as she cups the box in her hands and scrutinises the ring again: a single pearl, set between diamonds, on a delicate silver band. She hopes it's good enough. She'd had to secretly siphon off half her paycheck towards it, and she'll be paying off the rest for the next several months, but it just... looked right. "I just... urgh. What if she wanted solitaire?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, can it," Lapis groans. "Pearl will straight-up fucking die when you whip that out, and you know it." She shakes her head in contempt at Amethyst's overthinking, hair curling damp and chlorine-scented - she'd come straight from the pool - as she takes a sip of her soda.</p><p> </p><p>They'd met at Fish Stew Pizza while Pearl grappled with the misbehaving car radio, each coming up with a separate excuse for their absence. Amethyst is taking no chances at being rumbled - although she knows she'll likely get it in the neck from Pearl later for leaving her alone, with nobody to divert Greg from talking directly <em>to</em> her or Steven from trying to play with her tools.</p><p> </p><p>"Lapis is correct. Though I feel it important to note that 'die' is here used as a figure of speech to denote the approximate measure of her happiness," Peridot supplies. "Causing someone a premature demise by gifting them jewellery is highly unlikely unless they have an allergy to a particular metal, such as nickel, or the article is hidden in food or beverages."</p><p> </p><p>"True. Don't do that, by the way," Garnet warns. </p><p> </p><p>"You seriously think I'm gonna risk screwing around and choking Pearl to death when I'm tryin' to pop the question?" Amethyst laughs, and then her face falls. "Seriously, there are already so many ways this could go wrong - please don't make me think of more."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, knock it off," Lapis rolls her eyes, reaching for Peridot's hand over the table. "Forget marrying Pearl, you're turning <em>into</em> Pearl. We sure as shit don't need two of you nerds around."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe I am," Amethyst sighs, tucking the ring safely back into her pocket. "But this <em>has</em> to be perfect. Let's go over the plan one more time."</p><p> </p><hr/><p><br/>The Plan is, she thinks with pride, watertight. </p><p> </p><p>Garnet is going to meet Pearl on a Saturday afternoon, and waylay her with thrift shopping or coffee or literally whatever it takes, just to keep her from spontaneously deciding she needs to go and pick up new screws for the heater motor <em>right</em> then, <em>that</em> second. Amethyst has secretly begged for shift cover, and will be slipping out two hours earlier than Pearl is due to meet Garnet, to carry out her part in the set-up.</p><p> </p><p>She has donated all her arcade credit <em>and</em> loaned out her best set of watercolours to persuade Lapis and Peridot to help her set up: a pilfered table and two chairs from the outdoor seating area of her work, smuggled out of the back fire escape, and into Garnet's trunk.</p><p> </p><p>The stolen furniture will be set up on the farthest, quietest end of the beach with a crisp white tablecloth and matching silverware (Vidalia's); their privacy assured by repurposed hazard tape, usually adorning the Junkyard (helpfully removed by Lapis) and a willing volunteer keeping a vigilant eye for tourists, cops or other interruptions (Garnet, ostensibly working on her thesis; up the beach and out of sight).</p><p> </p><p>The ambience will be helped along by a battery-operated stereo (Greg's) containing a mix CD of Pearl's favourite music, burned on the sly (courtesy of Peridot) using the 'legally adjacent' methods Pearl always got sniffy over. Madly in love or not, like fuck was Amethyst paying twenty dollars for a whole album of classical music for that one weird German song Pearl liked.</p><p> </p><p>Their combined efforts will be the setting for her <em>pi<span class="zci__def__word text--primary">è</span>ce de r<span class="zci__def__word text--primary">é</span>sistance</em>: the trusty picnic basket, offered a chance at redemption, to be packed with Pearl's favourite foods. She'd even tracked down a few bottles of the fancy micro-brewed citra-hopped pale ale that Pearl likes, but Amethyst finds barely distinguishable from any other beer. <em>And</em> she'd even thought to weigh down the tablecloth to prevent their romantic dinner being blown away by a sea breeze.</p><p> </p><p>She'd thought of <em>everything</em>. All the distractions and derailments she'd agonised over have been forestalled. They're right on time for low tide, and the weather is set to be perfect, a clear sky so they can watch the sunset, before Amethyst gets down on one knee.</p><p> </p><p>She has the girl, the Plan, the place, the speech prepared, the ring in her pocket. It's going to go perf -</p><p> </p><p>"Yo, Ame," yells Kiki, as Amethyst is changing at the end of her shift in the privacy of the back office, eyes on the clock. "Someone for you on the bar phone."</p><p> </p><p>"Who the fuck is it?" she hollers back, zipping up her pants. She<em> cannot</em> be late. She has timed this to the minute. Sweating, she wonders vaguely if this is how Pearl feels all the damn time.</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno," Kiki shouts back. "Prob'ly a complaint. I'm serving, I'll leave it off the hook and tell 'em you're coming right out."</p><p> </p><p>"I - hey - wait!" But Amethyst hears the door to the stairs slam, and she employs some of her choicest curse words as she frantically tucks in her tank top and dashes downstairs.</p><p> </p><p>There is a queue, customers eyeing her hopefully as she skids behind the bar. Kiki is midway through topping up a frothing glass of beer but she jerks her head apologetically towards the bar phone, freed of its holder and discarded on the bar back.</p><p> </p><p>"Asked for you by name, girl. I didn't recognise his voice."</p><p> </p><p>"Wh - " Amethyst's frown deepens, confused. However, as she picks up the handset, she hears a hoarse but dismayingly familiar voice wail, "I'm not a<em> guy</em>!"</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl?!" Amethyst yelps, full of leaden horror at the thought of some catastrophe, although she tries to sound nonchalant. "Wh - what's up? You never call me at work."</p><p> </p><p>"I couldn't get your cell," Pearl tells her apologetically. She sounds awful, Amethyst realises with mounting dread; voice rough and congested. "I'm <em>sick</em>. I was meant to hang out with Garnet, but I had to cancel."</p><p> </p><p>Oh, <em>fuck</em>. Amethyst pushes the tidal wave of disappointment down, focusing on the matter at hand: her girlfriend, miserable at the end of the phone, oblivious to The Plan and the colossal spanner that's been tossed into the works. "Oh, no. I'm so sorry, sweetie. What's up?"</p><p> </p><p>"I think it's flu," Pearl moans. "Neph was out sick with it just last week. My head has been killing me - I thought yesterday it was screen glare, but I woke up with a fever, and everything hurts, and..." She breaks off, coughing pitifully, and sounds halfway to tears when she speaks again. "Sorry. I just feel <em>awful</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, no, it's okay," Amethyst soothes, thoughts of The Plan evaporating at the sound of Pearl's obvious distress. "I'll head straight home and come look after you, alright?"</p><p> </p><p>"But you don't finish 'tonight til six," Pearl sniffles. Amethyst smacks herself in the forehead.</p><p> </p><p>"...Yeah, but - you're more important," she says hastily - and it isn't a lie, not really. Pearl is more important - all her arrangements can be changed, after all. She's just glad she didn't book a table someplace fancy with a cancellation fee, already mentally going through her sick day checklist. "So I'll be home inside an hour and I'll run by the store - what do you need, babe?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's scratchy voice mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like 'cyanide'. Amethyst smiles at the optics mounted on the wall. She adores Pearl, still, in spite of her fever-addled melodramatics. </p><p> </p><p>"No can do, Peach. You get chicken noodle soup and Tylenol, and me to coddle you. Sound good?"</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Pearl manages, blowing her nose. "I'm sorry, I'm being ridiculous - "</p><p> </p><p>"No," Amethyst tells her patiently, practiced enough with Pearl in various states of illness to have a handle on how to manage her. "You've run yourself down throwin' your all into the new job; and if you're sick, you're sick. Sit tight, see you in an hour. Bye." </p><p> </p><p>"Bye," Pearl echoes forlornly. Amethyst hits the red button and replaces the handset, before collapsing head and shoulders against the back counter, groaning.</p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me," says an impatient customer, fifth in the queue, clicking his fingers. "What does it take to get some service round here? Or are all staff in the habit of taking personal calls when customers are waiting?"</p><p> </p><p>"Go fuck yourself," Amethyst mutters into the crook of her arm. "Bother someone else."</p><p> </p><p>"<em>What</em>?" </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, sir. I said, 'Top shelf or somethin' else'?" Amethyst practically sings the words as she straightens up, smiling blithely - secret fantasies of cracking a bottle over the guy's head only perceptible in her eyes, and noticed by Kiki alone.</p><p> </p><p>"Was that Pearl?" she asks in passing, they dance around one another filling orders, working through the queue so that Amethyst can go to Pearl's rescue with a clear conscience. Kiki has done her a solid by covering the end of her shift; and Amethyst knows she's run ragged as it stands, helping out at her dad's pizza place around bar shifts. She can't leave her in the weeds.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," she answers, balancing stemware and waiter's friend between the fingers of one deft hand, as she opens the wine fridge. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh. She didn't sound so hot."</p><p> </p><p>"Damn right," Amethyst says, wrestling with the corkscrew, teeth gritted.</p><p> </p><p>"So... the big night - "</p><p> </p><p>"- is off," Amethyst interrupts, sourly. She's sore over her plans going up in smoke but her only concern right now is getting home to Pearl and taking care of her. "It's trashed, the trash is out, and it's garbage day. Let's just get through this line, and then I'm out of here, yeah?"</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Pearl?" Amethyst yells, keys between her teeth as she shoulders her way through the front door, hands occupied by a grocery bag and her cell.</p><p> </p><p>She'd just gotten off the phone after ringing round Lapis, Peridot and Greg to advise them of the setback. Garnet had called almost as soon as she'd escaped work, Pearl having already called her to cry off their afternoon together. Everyone was disappointed, but nobody more so than Amethyst. Who knew when they'd be able to engineer the perfect proposal again? Still, she reminds herself, her scuppered plans aren't the priority anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm in here," comes a raspy voice from Pearl's bedroom. Amethyst tosses her cell on the couch, her keys in the bowl, and follows the sound to where she finds Pearl, bundled in her comforter, shivering.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hon." Any lingering thoughts of her perfect itinerary are obliterated when she sets eyes on her girlfriend. Pearl's cheeks are blotchy pink with a fever flush, and she gives a little sigh as Amethyst sets a cool hand on her brow.</p><p> </p><p>"I look a mess," she complains.</p><p> </p><p>"Seriously, last thing on my mind right now. You're burning up. Have you taken anything for that fever, P?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl shakes her head. "We were out. Medicine cabinet needs restocking."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll get on that. Here," Amethyst sits down, pulling the medicine she'd picked up out of the grocery store bag. There's a cup of water on the nightstand, and she passes it to Pearl as she gratefully pops two pills out of the blister pack. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," she says, after she swallows them down. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't mention it. I got you soup, and crackers, and some popsicles for your throat... oh, and some of those sports drinks that kind of taste like a salt lick made it with a fruit punch." She makes a face. "I dunno about those, but Garnet said they'd help. She said to make sure you stay hydrated and, quotin' directly here, 'do not overexert yourself, Pearl - you can't fight the flu'." </p><p> </p><p>Pearl manages a weak smile at Amethyst's impression of Garnet's accent, but then flops back against the pillows with a pitiful moan of frustration. "I <em>hate</em> being sick." </p><p> </p><p>"I know you do," Amethyst says, squeezing her hot hand. </p><p> </p><p>"You didn't have to do all that for me."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," Amethyst reassures her, "but I <em>wanted</em> to. Girlfriend 101: don't suck when she's sick. C'mon, I'll grab your laptop, you can nap and we can watch garbage. Are you hungry?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl shakes her head, and Amethyst strokes a few tendrils of her tousled hair back off her face. </p><p> </p><p>"I know you're sick, but you gotta eat. So I'll heat up your soup later, but right now, let's get you cosy."</p><p> </p><p>It isn't the beach at sunset. It isn't romantic, at all: curling up beside Pearl, hearing her labored breathing as she slips in and out of a fitful doze. The sky darkens outside, their little nest lit up by the laptop screen; flickering through the old cartoons Amethyst lobbies for and some weird old French movie Pearl requests, making Amethyst instantly regret her promise to let her watch 'anything she wanted'.</p><p> </p><p>But she endures it all: the subtitles; the ridiculously hammy acting; the coughing fits which start early evening, wracking Pearl's thin frame and shaking the entire bed; Pearl cocooning herself in the whole comforter against the chills, leaving Amethyst with only a thin blanket and the heat radiating off Pearl for warmth.</p><p> </p><p>She takes it all quietly and wouldn't dare to complain, because hey: she wants to <em>marry</em> Pearl. The flu is nothing. </p><p> </p><p>Around dinnertime she persuades her shivering girlfriend into a steaming hot bath, to help ease her painfully congested sinuses, and sets about heating up chicken noodle soup. She's just adding a spoon of chilli to help Pearl burn off her fever when Pearl reappears from her room, in her pyjamas and robe, dragging the comforter from her room. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm tired of being in bed," she says, looking and sounding pathetic as she trails to the couch. "Can we eat out here? Please?"</p><p> </p><p>"'Course we can," Amethyst says cheerily, setting two bowls of soup down on the coffee table as Pearl gets settled. She notices as Pearl coughs and snuffles and retreats halfway back into the blankets that Pearl's hair is still damp. "Hey, wait up, though. You gotta dry your hair, it'll make you sicker if you let it stay wet."</p><p> </p><p>"That's a myth," Pearl pouts. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe it is, but my sister always said it to me and I've always stuck by it." Amethyst juts her chin, stubbornly. "Hairdryer. Now."</p><p> </p><p>"But I have a headache, and it's too loud," Pearl says, bordering on a whine, her very best pleading expression made more plaintive by her red eyes and stuffy nose. Amethyst sighs, exasperated and fond. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, alright. Lemme do it, then. Soup's too hot to eat yet anyway."</p><p> </p><p>She fishes around in the bathroom for a comb and a dry towel, then sits back down next to Pearl, and begins gently drying her shoulder-length ginger hair.</p><p> </p><p>"You're too good to me," Pearl murmurs, as Amethyst massages the moisture from the roots through the towel.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, nothin' doing," Amethyst says, kissing her shoulder, pleased to notice that Pearl is kicking out less heat than she was a few hours ago - the medicine is working, thank God. "You'd do the same for me, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," sniffs Pearl. "I'll always take care of you."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst feels her throat tighten - that had been part of her big declaration of undying love, almost word-perfect, and Pearl has no idea. But she swallows the disappointment down, rubbing the mid-lengths and ends of Pearl's hair with the drier end of the towel, before carefully combing it out. </p><p> </p><p>"Well... same," she manages, eventually. "You're worth takin' care of, is all."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl leans against her with a sigh. "I feel the same way. Sorry I'm so useless when I get ill."</p><p> </p><p>"You're a nightmare," Amethyst agrees, affectionately, setting the towel and comb on the arm of the couch and tucking the comforter around Pearl. Her hair is mostly dry now anyway, and looking back she has no idea where Jasper had gotten that wisdom from - but she didn't like taking chances. Not with Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's face falls. "Thank you. I love you too."</p><p> </p><p>"No, no!" Amethyst yelps, backtracking hastily. "I only meant - you run yourself into the freakin' ground and you never, ever know when to take a break and then when you get sick you try to keep doin' everything. That's it." She rubs Pearl's back, soothing apologetic circles through the quilt. "I was honestly kinda proud of you for callin' out on G earlier and ringing me. I'm glad you let me look after you today."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl appears placated, gives her a little smile. "I appreciate it. I'm... not exactly used to it, but - I'll get there. With you, at least." She fishes in the pocket of her robe for a pack of tissues, extracts one, and blows her nose. "Sorry. Excuse me."</p><p> </p><p>"Babe, I laugh at fart jokes. You don't gotta be so polite when you have flu." Pearl just rolls her eyes in answer as she tucks the tissue up her sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst watches her, in all her feverish, sweating, pyjama-clad glory - nothing glamorous or spectacular about it, just Pearl - and suddenly, she realises The Plan was never important. She wanted things to be perfect, because Pearl honestly deserves it. But if she gets the answer she so desperately wants to hear, when she asks that oh-so-important question, how romantic will their day-to-day life really be? What, in all honesty, is the point in waiting around?</p><p> </p><p>It happens in typical Amethyst fashion: on impulse, slapdash and out of order, at the wrong time, in the wrong place. But before Pearl has finished stashing the packet of tissues back in her pocket, Amethyst's mouth is open and the words tumble out:</p><p> </p><p>"I wanna marry you."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's pale, clammy face drops; the picture of undiluted shock. <em>Well, shit</em>. Amethyst had gotten that bit right, at least - she sure was surprised. </p><p> </p><p>"Pardon?"</p><p> </p><p>"I... I wanna marry you." Amethyst gets to her feet and crosses to their coathooks, heart thumping hard against the prison of her ribs - because now she's started, she can't exactly stop.</p><p> </p><p>She digs in the zipped inner pocket of her jacket, where she'd been carrying the black square box everywhere, close to her heart - she couldn't chance leaving the thing at home, in case Pearl went into a tidying frenzy and spoiled everything. Wheeling back around, taking a deep breath, she sinks to one knee right in front of Pearl and her piled-high bower of blankets.</p><p> </p><p>"I was gonna do a whole... thing. You can hear about it another time. But - " Amethyst watches Pearl's mouth drop open below wide blue eyes as she opens the box, revealing the ring. Her hands are shaking, nerves spiking hateful through her and sending her carefully rehearsed speech scattering to the four winds, leaving her to improvise.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not foolin' around. You're - you're Pearl. You're incredible and I love you so damn much and I don't wanna ever be without you. If I keep freakin' talking I'm gonna cry, for sure, but... I wanna marry you."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl says nothing, eyes welling up with tears as she presses her hands to her mouth. Amethyst feels her nervous energy abate, morphing into cold sick dread. </p><p> </p><p>"...Pearl?" she prompts, fearfully. Pearl laughs, hoarse and a little hysterical, as she prises her hands away from her mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"...You do realise you haven't actually <em>asked </em>me anything, yet," she says, at last. It's the most Pearl thing Amethyst has ever heard, eliciting a shaky, breathless laugh - and she damn near passes out with relief to see that Pearl is smiling, despite holding back tears.</p><p> </p><p>"You're right," she admits, and reaches out a hand. Pearl grasps it, sweaty palm against her trembling one; as Amethyst takes a deep breath, steeling herself. <em>Here goes</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"Pearl... will you marry me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, oh, Amethyst - <em>yes</em>!"  Pearl rockets out of the blankets into her arms when the words are barely past her lips. The corner of the comforter knocks over a bowl of soup with a splat and a clatter, but neither of them care, <em>at all</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl throws her arms around Amethyst, smiling through sobs and broken murmurs of 'yes, oh my stars, <em>yes</em>'; and Amethyst holds her tightly; both of them laughing - until Pearl starts coughing. Amethyst can't help tears of relief and happiness springing into her own eyes, and she lets them, while she rubs Pearl's heaving back with one hand, ring still held in the other.</p><p> </p><p>Once Pearl can breathe again, she tucks the box carefully into her pocket, pulls her girlfriend - <em>fiancée, </em>she thinks, with a thrill - back down to the couch and wraps her back in the blankets while she deals with the soup. Then she joins her; and as they sit twined together under the comforter, Pearl's legs across Amethyst's lap, she tells her all about The Plan.</p><p> </p><p>"I cannot <em>believe</em> I got sick and spoiled it all for you," Pearl groans, sounding almost as nasally as Peridot, from tears of joy and the flu alike. "You put so much thought into it."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, no - it's okay. This... well - it was unique, and that's way better. It's <em>ours</em>." Amethyst smiles, nuzzling her damp cheek. "And this... is yours." Amethyst fiddles with the box for a moment until the ring comes free, before taking Pearl's left hand and sliding it carefully onto her finger. </p><p> </p><p>"Does it fit okay?" she asks, anxiously.</p><p> </p><p>"It's perfect," breathes Pearl, sniffling. "I love it. I love <em>you.</em>"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry you didn't get the perfect proposal," Amethyst sighs. "But - I couldn't wait to ask you. And... sure, it's not as romantic, but - "</p><p> </p><p>"What's more romantic than loving someone so much you just can't <em>wait</em> to ask them to marry you, even when they're sick?" Pearl teases, as she wipes her streaming nose for the hundredth time that afternoon. Amethyst laughs, heart light.</p><p> </p><p>"True. Even though you had to, like, remind me about the asking bit," she grins, teasing. "As <em>if</em> you corrected your proposal."</p><p> </p><p>"You looked terrified!" Pearl rasps a laugh, resting her head on Amethyst's chest and turning her newly adorned hand this way and that in the light, eyes shining with admiration above cheeks still flushed from her temperature. "And I couldn't very well say 'yes', if you hadn't asked the question."</p><p> </p><p>"True," Amethyst replies, kissing the top of her head. "So. Engaged."</p><p> </p><p>"Very much so." Pearl smiles up at her, and Amethyst thinks she has never been more in love - despite the snot, and the chills, and the pyjamas, and the faint smell of soup from the stained carpet.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm your fiancée now."</p><p> </p><p>"You are," Pearl sighs. "And I'm yours. Forever."</p><p> </p><p>At that, Amethyst cannot resist, stooping her head to kiss Pearl full on the lips. She smiles as she does at the perfect ridiculousness of it all, wondering at what their friends will say when they hear the news, how they will tell it.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," squeaks Pearl, muffled. "I love you so much, but I - have - the <em>flu</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't care," Amethyst murmurs, between kisses. "Too happy."</p><p> </p><p>"You'll get sick," Pearl protests weakly, as Amethyst pulls her closer.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, and that rock on your hand says I just locked in to get sick with you for the rest of my damn life," Amethyst beams, eyes shining. "Sickness and in health, right, babe?"</p><p> </p><p>And the look on her fiancée's face is so loving and so earnest that Pearl has to relent - though their tableau of happiness is cut unromantically short, moments later, by another coughing fit.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Yeah... I got sick for like, two whole weeks," Amethyst admits.</p><p> </p><p>"You did. <em>And</em> you tried to go into work with flu, got half your staff sick, and almost ended up in the ER with dehydration," Pearl reminds her, in a long-suffering tone. </p><p> </p><p>"I did, I did," Amethyst grimaces, with a palm-up shrug. "Young love is dumb."</p><p> </p><p>"I cannot <em>believe</em> we have to tell our daughter that story," groans Pearl, resting her head in her hands, bony elbows crumpling their therapy work. "Some romantic example we are."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, remember Lapis and Peri's first dinner party? Nothing says true love like holding back one another's hair."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't," Pearl pleads, looking a little green at the gills. "Just - stop talking."</p><p> </p><p>"Got it, got it - sorry." Amethyst says, quickly, turning back to Sapphire as Pearl clutches her stomach. "It was their housewarming. Peridot tried to 'improve' the oven, but didn't say shit to Lapis before they'd started dinner. Ended exactly as you'd expect."</p><p> </p><p>"...Four dollars," Sapphire informs her, softly, with a tiny smile. Amethyst gawps at her; expression first shocked, then gleeful. </p><p> </p><p>"I knew it," she sing-songs, laughing, as she kicks back in her chair with an air of deep satisfaction. "<em>Knew</em> Ruby wasn't the only funny one."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>no, YOU screwed up your sleep pattern because you couldn't get out of shippy sickfic hurt/comfort hell until the chapter was over</p><p>this chapter is a behemoth but I seem to be writing in a spectacularly undisciplined fits-and-starts pattern (thanks, pandemic/ brain/ everything). it's nice to finally be writing some happier Pearlmethyst, because goddamn Pearl needs a break.<br/>for those who arrived for the messy emotions and have No Time for this sappy nonsense: oooo-wheee, do NOT worry my dudes, we have 16 chapters to go and a full Pearlmethyst decade to cover yet. all aboard the angst train, choo choo, no brakes. </p><p>in my head the film they watch while Pearl is sick af is 'Les Parapluies de Cherbourg', and yes by total coincidence it is one of my favourites. in the grand scheme of this fic so far, aren't we just glad that's the only author insertion that's cracking about, eyyy?</p><p>for anyone who feels cheated by the Lapidot tag, go check out 'still, we're not robots inside a grid'; missing moment oneshot to accompany Chap 5 of this fic. </p><p>concrit always welcome, stay safe, we're gonna get through 2020 somehow and we're gonna be fandom trash while we do it &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. it doesn't matter who shot first, it's not about what anyone deserves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Pearl gets organised, and Amethyst gets frustrated; while both their past and present selves relearn the value of an apology.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So," Sapphire enquires, as Amethyst finishes laughing, "you were married at... twenty-seven?"</p><p> </p><p>"Correct," Pearl answers, polite and precise. "May twenty-first."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, we had to save a whole bunch, I went back to school so I was all kinds of stressed - and oh damn, the wedding planning was somethin' else." Amethyst massages her temples, as she grins from Sapphire to Pearl. "I swear, you ain't seen mad 'til this one's chasin' Peri down for using the draft invite as a coaster."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hush," Pearl scolds, still looking queasy. "If it hadn't have been for my planning, the whole thing would have fallen apart." Her condescending tone raises Amethyst's hackles, and her smile drops, eyes narrowing into a frown. </p><p> </p><p>"What, like you think I'm just some dumba - some dummy?" Amethyst fires back, correcting herself quickly as the swear hurtles to the tip of her tongue. Pearl bites her lip. </p><p> </p><p>"No - I... I didn't mean it to come across like that. I'm sorry," she sighs. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst, having visibly tensed up as she rose to defend herself, forces herself to relax. Her nostrils flare as she exhales, counting in her head, as she settles back into her chair with a stiff nod of acceptance. </p><p> </p><p>"S'all good," she mutters. Sapphire beams across the desk.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you see what you did just then?" she asks, as the younger women look at her. "Pearl, you offended Amethyst without intending to do so. Amethyst, rather than lash out straight away, you communicated to Pearl the reason you felt hurt. Pearl was able to apologize; and Amethyst, in accepting the apology, you prevented an entirely avoidable fight from breaking out."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst studies her nail beds intently, as uncomfortable with the praise as she is the ongoing dissection of their relationship. Pearl shifts in her seat, cheeks pink. Fortunately, Sapphire doesn't seem to require a verbal response. </p><p> </p><p>"Over time, this manner of communicating - preventing an altercation before any further cross words can be exchanged - will become more natural. The aim of the exercises I set for you is to begin building these skills so you can both feel comfortable using them going forward. May I please have your worksheets?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl and Amethyst glance at one another as Pearl hands over the worksheets. Amethyst grimaces.</p><p> </p><p>"Gotta say, doc, we haven't exactly been star pupils this week."</p><p> </p><p>"That's putting it mildly," Pearl agrees, self-reproachfully. "The majority of our squabbling was... me."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah," Amethyst says evenly, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "You just, like... say stuff and I get all in my head and blow up over it. Half the time it's just, like, normal domestic whatever."</p><p> </p><p>"No, I... need to be more mindful of my tone," Pearl returns, carefully. "I can lose sight of how my actions could be hurtful. And..." She worries her lip as she shoots a guilty look at Sapphire. "Sometimes - when we haven't talked in days - sometimes I <em>want </em>to fight. It's... better than nothing at all."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst frowns. "Like - just fight for the hell of it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Not quite," Pearl answers, in a tiny voice. "I... oh, it's so stupid, but when you get mad, I feel like - at least you care enough to be angry. It feels almost worth you hating me just to know that - that you still feel anything at all about me."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst blinks, dumbfounded, while Sapphire sedately turns over a page. The silence unfolds, drapes itself heavy over the room, then sets about smothering them.</p><p> </p><p>"You know that's whack, right?" Amethyst asks, bluntly.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I do," mutters Pearl. "I'm not exactly proud of it. I'm a <em>mess</em>. What sort of person even - "</p><p> </p><p>"No," Amethyst interrupts. "I totally get the other stuff. I meant you thinking I hate you."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl hesitates. "I just thought - "</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Amethyst cuts in impatiently, "lemme 'splain one thing, real quick: I have <em>never</em> hated you. Not one little baby bit. Sure, you're a wild ride, but... this is what I signed up for, right?" She tries a smile as Pearl's face crumples. "Hey, no - I was tryin' to be nice!"</p><p> </p><p>"I know," whispers Pearl, eyes glistening. "That's what's getting to me. You're trying so hard and... oh, Amethyst, I'm <em>scared</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Her voice cracks, and she presses her hands to her mouth, fighting to regain her composure. Amethyst snatches a fistful of tissues from the box, then scoots her chair closer to Pearl's and drops them in her wife's lap. Sapphire regards them both critically from over the paper.</p><p> </p><p>"What is it that frightens you, Pearl?" she asks gently. Pearl hiccoughs, wiping her eyes, struggling for several long moments before she's able to form a reply.</p><p> </p><p>"I... I'm scared it won't be enough," she chokes. "This - " she gesticulates feebly between herself and Amethyst - "was never in the plan. I don't know what I'm doing, whether any of this is the right way to go about fixing things - " She balls up a handful of damp tissue, sighing miserably as she glances at Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>"I keep thinking - all the time - what if we can't? What if - what if I've already made too many m-mistakes? I want to make it better but I'm terrified of just making it worse and I just - I need someone to tell me what to <em>do</em>. I need this to work."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl drops her chin to her chest, hiding her face from them both. Amethyst finds herself wrestling the impulse to put an arm around her, right here in Sapphire's office. Distress notwithstanding, Pearl would likely squawk at her - or worse, stare blankly and make her look foolish for ever trying to be kind.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Sapphire asks, quietly, "do you share any of the fears Pearl has described?"</p><p> </p><p>"'Course I do," she answers, tearing her gaze away from Pearl, forcing herself to meet Sapphire's eye. "Like - this stuff keeps me up at night, y'know?" She forces a humorless laugh. "Great to know we still have somethin' in common, am I right?"</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire raises her eyebrow a fraction but says nothing. For perhaps a minute, the only sound in the room is Pearl's sniffling; and Amethyst squirms uncomfortably as the seconds tick by, sailing past awkward and over the threshold to excruciating.</p><p> </p><p>"...Yeah, I'm scared," she says, finally. "All the damn time. I worry I've screwed up one time too many and that the next time she says she's done, she really means it. I hate thinkin' about it. I... jeez." She swallows hard. "I have this, like, dream where I get in from work and she's gone, Opal's gone, and I go right around the house yellin' for them before it hits me that she's left for good."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl muffles a sob beside her. Amethyst realises, horrified, that her own eyes are suddenly wet; and she blinks hard as she makes another hasty grab for the tissues.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck. I mean - shit. <em>God</em>." She throws up her hands in despair. "I give up counting. Man, I really suck at this."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire shakes her head kindly. "I would disagree. We are dealing with complex, highly emotional topics and it's perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed - even though we all show our feelings in different ways." She gestures to Pearl, looking at her wife with a stricken expression; and then to Amethyst, who crosses her arms and stares at the wall.</p><p> </p><p>"There may be times when Pearl is be more visibly distressed, but you both feel the same depth of pain: however, your inclination toward masking your emotions gives you an outward show of being unmoved. It... isn't uncommon."</p><p> </p><p>"One way of puttin' it," Amethyst mutters.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know," Pearl manages, looking across at her. "About the dream. You never told me."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, sure I didn't," Amethyst replies, scowling to draw attention away from the renewed prickling of her eyes. "We were literally barely talking apart from all the fighting 'til like... a couple weeks back. Every time I was headed home, I'd be thinkin', like - 'what am I 'sposed to do if she's already up and left?' And I'd always like... get to freaking myself out, I guess. Thinking how whatever dumb thing I did or said to her could be it, y'know."</p><p> </p><p>A single tear breaks rank and slides down her cheek. She wants to bail, every atom of her body screaming at her to <em>run</em>, but they're not even half done with the session - so she forces herself to stay sitting down, knuckling her eyes as she angrily swipes at the dampness of her face.</p><p> </p><p>"This therapy crap should come with a warning," she mumbles. "Ain't cried this much in front of anyone other than P in years."</p><p> </p><p>"That's perfectly fine. Do you think this fear of Pearl leaving is linked to any other difficulties you may have faced?" Sapphire asks, softly. Amethyst sniffs.</p><p> </p><p>"Well - my mom bailed. Then Jas. And my dad was workin' so he wasn't around a whole lot. Like... if your family don't give enough of a damn to stick around - and they're meant to be, like, programmed to look out for you - why the hell would anyone else want to stay?" She squeezes her hands tightly into fists, in an effort to quell the shaking.</p><p> </p><p>"After a while, you gotta wonder why it keeps happening, and you realise... it's you. And it makes sense; and it's only ever a matter of time before people run outta patience, then run out on you. And you can't like, blame them. I mean - I'm just an embarrassment. Like, seriously - who'd ever want this?"</p><p> </p><p>"<em>I</em> do."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst is so surprised to hear Pearl speak that she looks up sharply, forgetting to hide her face. Pearl is sheet-white and tear-stained, but her jaw is set, brow furrowed with the same look of quiet determination she wears any time she's staring down the barrel of a challenge. She extends her own trembling hand, and Amethyst reaches out, locking their fingers. </p><p> </p><p>"Speaking of 'I do'," Sapphire says, gently, "I'd like us to reflect on your wedding. How did it feel to know you were going to spend the rest of your lives together?"</p><p> </p><p>"...Y'know when they say your wedding day is meant to be the best day of your life?" asks Amethyst, quietly. "See, I figured it was bull - straight-up holiday card garbage. But no foolin' - apart from the day our kid was born, happiest I've ever been."</p><p> </p><p>"Well... the feeling is mutual," Pearl replies, voice barely a murmur. She grips Amethyst's hand more tightly, and Amethyst squeezes back just as hard - gesture borne not so much of love, but white-knuckle perseverance.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Okay," says Pearl, breathless, a slightly manic gleam to her eyes as she slams down a binder on the coffee table. "I <em>think</em> I've covered the basics."</p><p> </p><p>Peridot is the only one to give Pearl an immediate nod; while Amethyst, Garnet, Lapis eye the binder in varying states of amusement and apprehension. The thing must be two and a half inches thick, and Amethyst can see a rainbow array of tabs dividing the contents into sections. This is, without any shadow of a doubt, a Pearl project.</p><p> </p><p>"This... is the basics?" Lapis asks, sounding vaguely disgusted. Amethyst flashes her a pained look, a quick reminder of their agreement that Lapis would lend a hand in the wedding preparations for the low price of Amethyst giving her a lift to and from the pool every day for a month.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Pearl ploughs on briskly. "The finer details are in a spreadsheet."</p><p> </p><p>"Naturally," Peridot concurs. Amethyst sees Lapis shoot her girlfriend a quick glance of disdain to which Pearl remains, mercifully, oblivious; as she opens the binder; finger tracing down the index card.</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl... I love you, but we aren’t getting married for eleven months,” Amethyst reasons, gently. “And we did this last week. D’you reckon we need a sitrep?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course we do,” Pearl replies, sounding slightly hysterical as she opens the binder and smooths the neatly-handwritten ‘to do’ list on the first page with a slight tremble to her hand. The action seems to relax her a little. “I know it seems silly, but - “</p><p> </p><p>“This is important,” Garnet cuts in, kindly. “And of course you want to feel reassured that things are going according to plan.”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought we were done with Plans,” hisses Lapis, eyes narrowed at Amethyst. Garnet and Amethyst both shush her.</p><p> </p><p>“Garnet is correct,” Peridot nods sagely. “The act of planning a wedding involves a high level of emotional labour and practical planning.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right on, P-dot!”</p><p> </p><p>“Additionally, this ritual of reviewing the preparations is clearly a way for Pearl to mitigate her nerves in relation to the lifelong commitment she and Amethyst are preparing to undertake.”</p><p> </p><p>They all stare at her. Pearl’s mouth drops open, pointer finger resting on the unchecked box next to ‘consumables’.</p><p> </p><p>“...You should go in for politics, babe,” Lapis says after a long moment’s silence, resting her head against Peridot’s shoulder with a smirk. “So diplomatic.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please,” Peridot scoffs. “I hold myself to a moral standard which far surpasses the typical self-interest and venality of government.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm.” Lapis’ affects a thoughtful expression, though her dark eyes glimmer wickedly. “And yet just this morning I persuaded you to wash my dishes by showing you my - “</p><p> </p><p>“Anyway,” Amethyst interrupts loudly, looking hastily to Pearl as Peridot splutters. “You were saying?”</p><p> </p><p>“Right, yes!” Pearl’s anxious expression clears and the familiar determined gleam returns to her eyes. “We have the venue - “</p><p> </p><p>“Courthouse.”</p><p> </p><p>“ - and the deposit is being paid off in installments over the next three months. We have a first draft of the guest list, the design for the invitations -“</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Lapis, you did a great job on those!”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t make it weird. I only did it because you got way in your head about it,” mutters Lapis. Pearl smiles gratefully.</p><p> </p><p>“And we very much appreciate it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up. You’re welcome, or whatever," Lapis mumbles. Garnet chuckles, leaning forward from her chair to peer at the list.</p><p> </p><p>“Next up: reception venue.”</p><p> </p><p>“Waiting ‘til we have the RVSPs, right?” Amethyst asks. “Gotta know exact numbers and allergies and all that shit.”</p><p> </p><p>“True,” Pearl muses. “We could probably make a fair guess but it just wouldn’t do to risk poisoning somebody.”</p><p> </p><p>“Eh, my side will be fine,” Amethyst shrugs, stretching up to crack her back. She’d spent the previous night hunched over her laptop filling out a night class application, and already she misses the boundless vitality of her early twenties. "My cousins will probably show up with Golden Arches drive-thru."</p><p> </p><p>At this prospect, Pearl turns pale. Garnet shakes her head minutely - Amethyst's cue to backpedal, and fast.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just messin' around, babe! Wouldn't put it past your sister to go freaking vegan a week before the wedding to spite you, though."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't," sighs Pearl, sadly. "She still hasn't replied to my text."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, don't sweat it," Amethyst says firmly, taking her hand and giving her a reassuring squeeze. "If she shows, she shows. One out of two ain't bad - and Violet's down, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"She's thrilled," Pearl admits. "Already asking about the bachelorette."</p><p> </p><p>"Great," Amethyst grins. "Always looked forward to seeing Blue Pearl get toasted."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," groans Pearl, fondly. "Don't call her that."</p><p> </p><p>"You literally have a cousin who goes by Volleyball 'cause you couldn't say her name back in kindergarten," Lapis mutters, loaded with contempt. Garnet raises her broad hand in a 'halt' gesture, and Lapis sighs, backing down. </p><p> </p><p>"I've sent enquiries to the reception venues we'd shortlisted to book viewings over the next three weekends," Pearl continues, then frowns. "We only shortlisted ten. Do you think - "</p><p> </p><p>"No," Amethyst says quickly, keen to prevent Pearl spiraling into another vortex of self-doubt. She's just barely recovered from the occasion a fortnight prior, when she'd innocently commented that she couldn't tell the slightest difference between two identical color swatches. Apparently, 'marshmallow' and 'meringue' are <em>very</em> distinct. "Ten is enough. More than enough."</p><p> </p><p>"But some of them have event packages, and Vidalia had recommended you that photographer, and - "</p><p> </p><p>"P. Breathe," Amethyst smiles, reassuringly. "We got time. And you're gonna look rad whoever takes your pictures."</p><p> </p><p>"Be serious," Pearl chides, though she smiles as she glances at Peridot. "Peridot, I assume everything is on track with the flowers?"</p><p> </p><p>"Correct. I have adhered to your specific list of likes and dislikes as well as the color scheme," Peridot beams self-importantly, jutting out her chin. "Freesias, eucalyptus, and stocks will be both appropriate and cost-effective."</p><p> </p><p>“Peridot’s sorting the order closer to time, I’m gonna help put the bouquets together,” Lapis adds. “No offence, babe, but if we leave you to it you’ll end up treating it like it's one of your robots and freaking out over whether each one has the same number of leaves."</p><p> </p><p>“That is... a reasonable assessment,” Peridot admits, removing her glasses and beginning to polish the smudged lenses with the edge of her t-shirt. Lapis smiles, resting her head on Peridot’s shoulder as Pearl returns to her list.</p><p> </p><p>"Fantastic," Pearl says, relieved. "And Garnet - "</p><p> </p><p>"I get to plan your bachelorette," Garnet grins, clapping her hands. She'd actually screamed when Amethyst had called to tell her about the engagement. Unusual as it is, neither Pearl nor Amethyst have any complaints over their equable friend being visibly beside herself with glee at their wedding. "And Bismuth should be able to make the wedding, since it'll be on a weekend with plenty of advance notice."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," Pearl smiles, momentarily distracted from poring over the itinerary for the day, "that will be <em>wonderful</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Truth be told, much as she and the blacksmith get along great, Amethyst is a little jealous - she's heard it on the grapevine that Bismuth had a mad crush on Pearl back in college, back when Pearl only had eyes for Rose. It makes perfect sense (Amethyst, after all, is Exhibit A for falling for Pearl's charms) but when she stands next to Bismuth,  or sees Pearl cooing over some finial or openwork, there's a needy little pang deep inside her that makes her want to show off and keep Pearl's eyes on her. </p><p> </p><p>"And as Steven will have a designated role and be supervised by his parent throughout the proceedings, the usually disruptive attendance of minors will be less likely to pose either an issue or a hazard to the proceedings," Peridot says, seriously. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey! I'll have you know Steven is <em>very</em> well behaved," Pearl says, shooting her a withering look. Amethyst smiles fondly at her immediate, instinctive defense of the child she once struggled to look at or acknowledge by name. Peridot stammers an apology as Garnet looks at the list again. </p><p> </p><p>"Onto... cake. Have you managed to decide on a flavor?"</p><p> </p><p>"Chocolate," replies Amethyst, at the same instant as Pearl answers with, "lemon". They stare at one another for a long moment before they both start to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>"I guess we haven't quite nailed that one down yet," Pearl manages, recovering first and scribbling a note on her checklist.</p><p> </p><p>"Why not both?" Garnet smiles.</p><p> </p><p>"G, I love you and all and I get having the best of both worlds, but I wanna be able to get outta my dress without cutting that bastard off of me," quips Amethyst, sticking her tongue out. "Gotta be at the top of my game for the wedding night, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst!" squeaks Pearl, cringing. Behind her, Lapis mimes vomiting down the back of the couch.</p><p> </p><p>"What? Seriously, babe, you gotta chill out - we're gettin' married," laughs Amethyst. "I tell ya, G, you're gonna have a blast with her bachelorette! I'm thinking... stretch limo, strip joint, feed her a bunch of shots, really get that freak flag flyin'. You're ace and all that jazz so I know you ain't gonna get jealous when you hear about my mad skills in the bedroom."</p><p> </p><p>"I am <em>not</em>," Pearl stammers, flustered, while Lapis smirks, "going to conform to a societal expectation that I celebrate our wedding by engaging in some... circus of licentiousness!" </p><p> </p><p>"Where'd you learn that one, finishing school?" Lapis mocks, earning her a stern look from Garnet as the taller woman places her hand reassuringly on Pearl's shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, Pearl. I'm not going to use your hen night to embarrass you." Her lips twitch. "I haven't decided about Amethyst's, though."</p><p> </p><p>"The term 'hen night' is a misleading one given the fact that, typically, such an arrangement involves little or no poultry," Peridot chirps conversationally, over Amethyst's yelp of outrage.</p><p> </p><p>"You guys are seriously committed to your hetero impersonation, huh," Lapis deadpans. Amethyst leans across to the binder, pulling out a handful of the fabric color swatches to throw them at Lapis'. Peridot valiantly tries to defend her girlfriend, but the impromptu projectiles find their mark and leave both Lapis and Peridot festooned with 'boysenberry', 'sage' and 'cosmic latte'.</p><p> </p><p>"You're picking those up," Pearl mutters, dryly, without looking up from the list of documentation required to register their marriage, "and I'll know if you put them back out of order."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, yeah," Amethyst waves a hand. "Worth it. The only straight thing about this is how straight-up poppin' I'm gonna look." She smiles with satisfaction as she watches Peridot peeling 'celadon' off her girlfriend's shoulder. "Speakin' of - you got outfits on the list? I don't wanna end up looking for a dress last minute and looking like it's my fuckin' quinceañera."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I do. And you will look beautiful," Pearl hums, tearing her eyes off the binder to smile at her fiancée. Despite the cacophany of nerves barely restrained by her maniacal planning, she can't fail to feel excited about their wedding when she remembers who she gets to be married to. "Whatever you wear will look incredible on you - but we will still find you the perfect dress. There's plenty of time in the first quarter of planning for us to start looking at styles, vendors, alterations..."</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever. At this point I'd marry you in a garbage sack," Amethyst shrugs. Pearl looks scandalized. </p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst!" she clucks. "Finding a wedding dress is <em>momentous</em>. I want you to feel incredible. It's the least you deserve."</p><p> </p><p>"I can think of a few ways you can help me feel incredible," Amethyst winks, lascivious, but she relents when she sees the stubborn crinkle of Pearl's brow. "Aight, fine. G, Lapis, Dippin'-Dot - wanna come dress hunting with me?"</p><p> </p><p>"You should set a budget first," Garnet counsels, having been through the mill of wedding planning previously when her mothers renewed their vows. "Weddings can get expensive fast, and you don't want to be let down if you fall in love with a dress that's out of your price range."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Pearl says, but the steely glimmer of her eyes remains. "But Amethyst deserves the very <em>best</em>. I don't want her to have to limit herself to... to garbage bags and thrift stores for our special day."</p><p> </p><p>("...You know," Pearl falters, later - they've set time aside look over her spreadsheet, and are sat grimacing at the figures - "suddenly, thrifting our wedding clothes seems like a marvelous idea.")</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>As the first flush of excitement fades and the words "my fiancée" become less magical and more mundane, life continues to happen around them.</p><p> </p><p>Soon, Amethyst learns to never again undervalue Pearl's forward planning. There is so much to <em>do, </em>and for every decision they reach the lists don't seem to shrink any. Every setback and disappointment slowly distorts the initial excitement of wedding planning into frayed nerves and mutual frustration.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's letter to her mother announcing the news is returned, folded in the inside cover of a Bible; sending Pearl backsliding into a deep chasm of depression and the others scrambling to pull her back out of it. With her night classes underway, working towards her teacher's cert, Amethyst has even less free time than before; and the plan to quit her job and leave in a blaze of glory is derailed by the car breaking down inconveniently and expensively. Despite Pearl's best efforts, it's far from a quick fix, leaving her trapped at the bar a while longer.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's sisters agree to attend, but this creates its own pitfalls. One is effusively supportive; the other, however, not only mistrustful of Amethyst but visibly uncertain about Pearl being out and marrying another woman. (Amethyst did herself no favors in this regard - she'd earned Xanthe's ire early in their first meeting by calling her 'Yellow Pearl' straight to her face. Pearl was, with hindsight, grateful at least it hadn't been 'Canary'.)</p><p> </p><p>Overall, she knows they've been lucky. Their friends come in clutch to help them, and Pearl certainly seems to be in her element with the planning - but every setback reinforces Amethyst's determination to make sure the day is faultless. Pearl deserves it. Hell, she deserves it - if for no other reason than the reward of a good party, after months of dissuading Pearl from calling the officiant just <em>one</em> more time to check they haven't double-booked. </p><p> </p><p>One stressor, however, flickers in the back of her mind, leaking into her thoughts like radiation, and that is the cost. No matter where they try to cut corners, the total sum gives Amethyst a sick swoop of fear every time they look over the numbers, and what makes her more uncomfortable is that Pearl doesn't seem worried at all.</p><p> </p><p><em>And why would she</em>?, Amethyst figures, sitting up late one night, dollar signs flashing before her overtired eyes as she tries to focus on a presentation ahead of her next class. She'd never known, growing up, how it felt to work double shifts or not know whether the next week's pay would cover food and electricity. Her service job barely pays a third of Pearl's new salary, and as the weeks slip by she feels more and more frustrated at how little she's able to contribute, as well as the constant, wrenching tiredness from working and studying. </p><p> </p><p>She sighs, rubbing her eyes as her head swims. She hears the soft pad of Pearl's feet on the floor behind her and leans back with a yawn as the other woman places a hand on her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"You're up late," Pearl tells her, glancing between the mug of stone-cold coffee she'd brewed Amethyst hours earlier and the half-finished presentation on the screen. "How much more to go?"</p><p> </p><p>"Few more slides and references. Late shift tomorrow," Amethyst sighs. "Last chance to get it done so I have chance to like, memorize the thing. God, art school did not set me up for all this reading."</p><p> </p><p>"You're doing wonderfully," Pearl says, gently massaging the knots in her neck. "I'm proud of you, you know."</p><p> </p><p>"Hm?"</p><p> </p><p>"You're working <em>so</em> hard. Going back to school is a lot, I know, especially on top of a full-time job, but..." She presses a kiss to the side of Amethyst's head. "It'll be worth it."</p><p> </p><p>"It better be," Amethyst grumbles, saving her work and swiveling on her chair to face her wife-to-be. "Hey. I wanna talk to you about something."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl blinks. "Amethyst, it's nearly midnight."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I know - but I only got done talking to V a little while back," Amethyst explains, wincing as she cracks her back. "Friend of a friend of her’s put her onto a job going at this art supply store just out of town. Small place. It’s like - haulin’ pallets, sorting orders, maybe some office busywork when it’s quiet. Shift work, y’know. Vidalia can’t leave SC so late with Yellowtail out on the boat all the freakin’ time, so... I was thinking I might go in for it.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl blinks in surprise. “I thought you had your heart set on finding something nine to five.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s nothin’ going,” Amethyst sighs. “It feels like I’ve been lookin’ forever. At this rate I’ll be at the grill when I’m an old lady still stinkin’ of beer and grease.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you’re always saying how much you hate working nights and weekends," Pearl responds, looking puzzled. "Shift work isn’t usually the most predictable.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst shrugs sourly. “Pays more than where I’m at now. It’s kind of gettin’ me down you having to pay the lion’s share of all the wedding shit.” She purses her lips. “And... it’s kinda embarrassing having you be this awesome career whizz with me in the same crappy job for six years and counting. I mean - shit, I was working that place when I left college.”</p><p> </p><p>“You know the job you work doesn’t matter to me,” Pearl begins. Amethyst cuts her off with a frustrated wave of the hand.</p><p> </p><p>“It matters to me. What’s it gonna be in a couple of years, Pearl? I get to be all ‘hey, meet my wife, the data genius!’ while you’re like ‘this is my wife, the bartender’.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shift manager," Pearl corrects. Amethyst narrows her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“God!” she groans, tugging at her hair. She is overtired, overworked, and frustrated; and she can feel her self-restraint rapidly wearing thin. Dimly, she knows Pearl has done nothing to cause her bad temper.</p><p> </p><p>All the same, she feels as hot and pent-up as a pressure cooker, and Pearl's perfectionism - however innocently meant - has cracked the lid of her composure, frustration hissing out like steam finding vent.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t - fuck, you don’t get it. Did you ever work a service job in your life?”</p><p> </p><p>“...No,” Pearl admits, quiet and guilty. Amethyst heaves an irritable sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“I know there’s nothing fucking wrong with it. That’s some BS right there. But... man, I’m tired. I’m tired, my back literally always hurts and - it feels like I’m wasting my college degree. I just - “ Amethyst ducks her head, hair falling across her eyes as she screws up her face. “I want something better than this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Darling...” Pearl's hand reaches out for hers. The attempt at kindness lands badly, and Amethyst is running on too little sleep to endure feeling patronized by her own fiancée.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t freaking pity me!” she storms, angry tears breaking free of her lashes. Pearl flinches.</p><p> </p><p>“I - Amethyst," she splutters, wounded. "What made you - of course I don’t! I love you and you work <em>so</em> hard even though you hate your job. It makes no difference to me whether you work in a bar and grill or an office or a gas station or a hospital or... wherever. I’m not a snob.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please," Amethyst swats at her cheeks with the back of her hand, face screwing up into a derisive smirk. "Don't lie to my face. You give Greg hell for working at a car wash.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl stiffens. “Greg is raising Rose’s child and has a responsibility to make sure he can provide for Steven.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, and he gets by!” Amethyst snarls. “Jesus, I get <em>you</em> never had to work a part time job during high school but the rest of us had to figure shit out on our own.”</p><p> </p><p>She watches Pearl jerk as though she'd been slapped, sees her wide eyes begin to fill with tears: and for an instant, it feels <em>good. </em>There's a savage satisfaction in seeing Pearl get hit with the full-force of the disparity between her charmed background and Amethyst's, to flip the script and see her get a taste of discomfort and judgement for once and see how well she can brush it off. But the spark of malice burns out as fast as it flared up, followed immediately by dull, mounting horror.</p><p> </p><p>They've had little spats before - sundry bickering over small domestic issues, arguments in jest over silly things from TV or work or gossip - but even at the height of Pearl's illness, they've never had a fight borne of anger. This is the first argument, and Amethyst realizes straight away that it's all her fault.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, she can't look at Pearl, can't stand the guilty weight of the silence broadening between them. She grabs her laptop, yanking the cable free of the wall. The trailing plug catches against her mug and knocks her cold coffee crashing to the floor, handle snapping clean off, making them both jump. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry - I - <em>fuck</em> - just - <em>argh</em>!" Amethyst gesticulates wildly in wordless, overwhelmed frustration. She knows she should stop to clean the mess, comfort Pearl, apologize, but right now she can summon neither words nor patience.</p><p> </p><p>She grabs a dishcloth, throws it at the mess of bisected ceramic and the spreading puddle, and then runs to her room. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She manages to finish her presentation, then tosses and turns in a bed that feels far too wide for her alone, mind racing restless. At daybreak, she hears movement from the kitchen, and clenches her teeth as she opens her bedroom door, steeling herself for the tempest on the other side.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is up, dressed for the day despite the early hour, pouring two mugs of coffee as weak dove-grey light pours in through the window. One mug, Amethyst realizes immediately, is hers: specifically, the casualty from the previous night. Approaching with caution, she sees that the broken handle has been neatly glued back into place.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” she manages, voice hoarse.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning,” Pearl replies. “Coffee’s there for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Her tone is terse, but her eyes are red-rimmed as she glances at Amethyst and then turns to the fridge. Amethyst sighs, rubbing her temples. Between the sleeplessness and guilt over their fight, she’s gonna need more than one coffee to get through today.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for fixin’ the cup,” she tries.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re welcome,” Pearl responds, rummaging in the fridge. She <em>never</em> rummages - no matter how sleep-deprived, Amethyst knows that. Pearl is the one who organizes the fridge every week and makes Amethyst throw out the old groceries, rather than cutting the mold off. She's all but hiding behind the fridge door, anxiety palpable as she avoids Amethyst’s eyes, and it's <em>her</em> fault. Remorse twangs, sharp as a discordant note.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Amethysts blurts. Pearl draws slowly back from the fridge, two eggs in her hand.</p><p> </p><p>“For?”</p><p> </p><p>“For being an ass,” Amethyst sighs. “For sayin’ that dumb shit. I know you didn’t have it easy growin’ up not matter how much money your mom made. I got mad and I it wasn’t your fault and... I was a total jerk.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl stays quiet for a long moment, occupying herself with breakfast: setting the eggs in an empty saucepan, covering them with water, setting the whole lot over a bluish flame before turning to face Amethyst properly. She tends toward small tasks as a distraction when she’s upset, Amethyst knows - so she lets her.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry too,” she says eventually. “I... didn’t mean to seem so uptight, or so thoughtless. I should have just been supportive. You’re under immense pressure, what with work and your classes <em>and</em> the wedding. The last thing you need is me nitpicking.”</p><p> </p><p>“You bein’ all finicky is kind of what stops me forgettin’ to pack my books and shit for class half the time,” Amethyst admits. “You didn’t mean it like that. I know you worry, I just... wanna feel like I’m on a level. G’s got her fancy sports shrink thing - “</p><p> </p><p>“Cognitive performance specialist.”</p><p> </p><p>“ - yeah, all that and a pack of crackers. She got a hella good job right out of grad school. You’re like... Queen of the Spreadsheets. Peri’s helping speed along the robot uprising, Lapis is happy at the pool. I’m the only one who’s like... failing at being an adult.”</p><p> </p><p>Her voice shrinks to a mumble, no sound to buffer them from silence save the faint bubbling and tapping of the eggs against the saucepan as they boil. Pearl clears the space between them as Amethyst stares at her toes, and in the next instant her chin is tipped up with cool fingers, forcing her to meet Pearl’s gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“You are not failing,” she says, firmly. “You are smart, and highly capable, and you are working incredibly hard to break into a career which motivates you. Do not compare yourself to us. We’re all different, we’ve all had different struggles and different motivations.” Her fierce gaze softens. “You are brilliant. I’m sorry for making you feel anything less.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, it ain’t you. C’mere.” Amethyst opens her arms and Pearl embraces her immediately. The guilt that's been churning inside her all night, hot and nauseating, begins to fade as she presses her face into Pearl’s shoulder. “I was a dick. Shouldn’a taken it out on you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn’t have been needling,” Pearl hums in response, giving her a squeeze. Pulling back, she looks anxiously down at Amethyst. “Are we... okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“‘Course we are,” Amethyst smiles up at her, relieved. “I mean. I’m tired as balls, but we’re all good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, sweetheart,” Pearl murmurs. “Didn’t you sleep?”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you?” Amethyst raises an eyebrow, noting Pearl's waxy complexion and bloodshot eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl hesitates, seeming unsure whether to lie. The conflicted expression on her face makes Amethyst laugh, bouncing up on her toes to kiss her.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re ridiculous,” she admits. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Amethyst agrees, winding her arms back around Pearl’s slender frame, “we are. But I am super sorry for blowin’ up at you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should take the job,” Pearl replies, softly. “If you want to. It sounds like a step in the right direction and I know you hate the bar.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sure?” Amethyst asks. The idea of whole evenings free to spend with Pearl was a huge part of the impetus behind her pursuit of a nine-to-five. “You honestly won’t mind a few more months of dinner on your own three nights a week?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not at all,” Pearl reassures, kissing her brow. “I love you. In eight months, I officially get to spend the rest of my life with you. I’ll support you in any career choices even if I have to eat dinner alone for the rest of my <em>life</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst sighs. “I love you too. And someday I’ll have a regular day job and be home for dinner every night. But for now, we get together breakfast?” She glances at the stove. “Um... Assuming one of those was for me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Lucky guess,” Pearl smiles. “I’ll finish up. Go and drink your coffee, you look exhausted.”</p><p> </p><p>“What about you?” Amethyst cocks an eyebrow. The dark circles under Pearl’s eyes are barely any less pronounced than her own.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” Pearl replies. “I’ve still got time before I head into the office. Go on!” She makes a shooing motion with her hand, chivvying Amethyst along before she adds, “Leave your laptop out when you head to work later, I’ll proof your presentation for you once I’m home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Best fiancée ever,” Amethyst calls penitently over her shoulder. “And if I’m ever snarky about you being a grammar nerd again - “</p><p> </p><p>“- I’ll know you're done grovelling.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so 2020 just... keeps happening, huh.</p><p>trying to use NaNoWriMo as an excuse to make some proper progress on this despite All The Everything and a horrible case of writers block. also the wisdom of writing wedding planing into fanwork on the heels of any kind of relationship disintegration is Questionable And Not To Be Emulated. </p><p>concrit welcome. feedback always greatly appreciated. stay safe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After no small number of setbacks, Pearl and Amethyst say “I do”, and look forward to facing the future together.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Normal is turned on its head: not with a bang, but with the ringing of Amethyst's phone in the middle of a wintry Saturday afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>The call is unexpected, and therefore met with a growl of vexation. She’d set the day aside to scratch together an assignment on classroom management techniques, while Garnet and Pearl went window shopping around some bougie wedding boutique uptown. The theory is dry as hell and makes it tricky for her to keep up her focus or any semblance of momentum, and it’s right on the tip of her tongue to snap at Garnet when she picks up. Thankfully, her friend gets in first.</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst. Pearl needs you.”</p><p> </p><p>Her voice is low and steady, but Amethyst can infer plenty. She couldn’t have ditched her books faster if her textbook had gone up in flames.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl is wild-eyed and choking out apologies when she finds them, Garnet’s arms wrapped around her like a safety harness. Amethyst trembles with relief as she hugs her, feeling Pearl shudder in her arms around shallow breaths and half-suppressed tears.</p><p> </p><p>“P,” Amethyst ventures, “we got you. You’re safe. But I ain’t seen you this bad in a while and we gotta talk about this at home.”</p><p> </p><p>Over the course of the afternoon, she pieces together the puzzle: Pearl’s head is screwing with her again. The mounting stressors of work and wedding planning have overwhelmed her by degrees, self-loathing sucking her in like quicksand. With Amethyst changing jobs and going back to school, she’s been sitting on her feelings with the increasingly desperate hope that things might improve on their own: terrified of overburdening her fiancée or ruining their wedding, hiding her anxieties behind the binder. Peridot, Amethyst reflects sourly, had been bang on the money.</p><p> </p><p>The prospect of trying on a dress had set Pearl's teeth on edge from the second she’d gotten up that morning: every one of all her dormant insecurities rearing their ugly heads at once, bearing down on her from every angle, indomitable as some great beast. Ultimately, Garnet's innocuous suggestion that they grab a bite had sent fear spilling every which way like ants from a nest; plunging Pearl into a sudden, vicious panic attack right in the middle of the street. Their maid of honor, quick-thinking as ever, had retained enough presence of mind to pull her into a deserted alleyway to ride it out while Amethyst booked it to meet them.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says again, later, drained and dejected. They're nestled together in bed, in the room which was once Pearl's but has slowly become 'theirs'. Garnet has headed home, after many reassurances of support and the promise of dropping by the following evening. Neither of them can sleep. “I shouldn’t be so worried - this is meant to be exciting. I love you, I love you so <em>much</em>, but - I’m going to be a horrible wife, you deserve more.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shh. None of that,” soothes Amethyst - though she herself feels awful. Just recently, she’d been so caught up in studying around work, the minutiae of the wedding were barely even blips on her radar. She wanted it to be great, sure, but they had <em>months. </em>To her, it felt like plenty of time.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl, on the other hand, seemed to view the calendar as an omen of doom, fretting ceaselessly at the amount still to be done with every day crossed off - and she'd taken on almost all of the planning. Her eyes prickle with guilt. What sort of fiancée was Amethyst shaping up to be, to have not seen the amount of stress Pearl was under?</p><p> </p><p>"G was right, y'know. You need to see your doctor again."</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” she admits, sitting up, blotchy-faced and sniffling. “It’s not - I haven’t been - I’m nowhere <em>near</em> as bad as I used to be.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wouldn’t matter if you were, Sweet P,” Amethyst tells her, wrapping her in a hug. “I love you. I got your back through whatever.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Amethyst feels the hot slip of tears against her neck, and sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“No more apologizing. We’re gonna figure this out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I let you both down,” Pearl sniffles. “Garnet was so excited about today - “</p><p> </p><p>“This isn’t about Garnet,” Amethyst reassures her, hand on her shaking back. “Your health comes first, she said it herself.”</p><p> </p><p>“But - we were going to look at dresses.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t care,” Amethyst reaffirms. “You can go another time. It’s not important right now, and you know I think you’re cute as all get-out no matter what you wear. Hell, I’d marry you in your gym shorts.”</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst,” Pearl murmurs, eyes downcast. “Can we not? Just... just for now.”</p><p> </p><p>“'Course. But hey, not the worst idea I’ve had!” Amethyst practically sings the words, trying to mask the worry. “It's our wedding. Who cares what we wear or how we do it? End of the day, I'm still comin' out of this whole thing with - the world’s - coolest - wife.”</p><p> </p><p>She punctuates the last sentence with gentle kisses to Pearl’s damp cheeks 'til her lips hitch into a wavering smile: utterly unconvincing, but enough to persuade Amethyst to drop the topic. They settle back against the bed, finding solace in the evening quiet and one another, until -</p><p> </p><p>"I mean it, y'know."</p><p> </p><p>"Hm?" Pearl mumbles, face buried against her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"Who cares? About all the wedding junk."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sits up slightly on her elbow, incredulous. "'<em>Who cares?</em>' Amethyst, we've been planning this for months, if you honestly - "</p><p> </p><p>"No, no! Jeez, I didn't mean it like that," Amethyst says hastily, brushing Pearl's hair back from her cheek as she sinks back against the pillow, eyes wide. "That came out wrong. We're gettin' hitched, no ifs, no buts, no coconuts. But... if it's messing with you so bad, we don't have to make a huge thing of it."</p><p> </p><p>"What are you saying?" Pearl asks uneasily. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sayin'... we dial it back a scooch. We got a venue. We got friends. We got each other. What else do we really need?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl purses her lips. "Do you honestly need me to get the spreadsheet out?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Amethyst pecks her on the forehead, "and lookin' at that thing is gonna give you a nervous breakdown for real. But babe, I don't care about it being some huge deal. I figured you did, but it kinda seems like it's killing you." She chews the inside of her cheek. "I feel super bad for you gettin' so stressed about the planning. Like, 'course I care! But damn, I didn't know you were freaking out so hard about it."</p><p> </p><p>"I... wanted to do this properly," Pearl wavers.</p><p> </p><p>"What, like, the 'fairytale wedding every little girl dreams about' kinda deal?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl responds, looking away from her. "I never thought I'd get married. Well. I knew it was expected of me: I'd marry the son of one of Mother's business partners, I'd be a perfect housewife, I'd produce perfect children and we'd all attend Church together on Sundays. But I never thought I'd marry someone I loved. Not... not after <em>her. </em>It..." Her voice catches, but she cups Amethyst's cheek. "You deserve a perfect wedding. I have to get this right for you."</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Amethyst shakes her head, smiling. "I don't give a crap what else happens. I get to marry you." She takes Pearl's hand, twisting it so her ring catches the lamplight, shards of reflected light dancing over the headboard. "Sure, all the fancy shit is nice, but what matters is us both being there - and you not bein' miserable for the next six months just 'cause you're in your head about making our day someone <em>else's</em> kind of perfect." She squeezes Pearl's hand in both of her own. "D'you think it might help? If we like... streamline things? Cut back on some of the wedding junk?"</p><p> </p><p>"...It might take the pressure off," Pearl admits in a whisper. Amethyst kisses her, slow and gentle.</p><p> </p><p>"You already did so freakin' much, Pierogi. We got the courthouse, that's the big one... so, how's about tomorrow we look over that binder, see what's left off the must-haves, talk about what we <em>actually </em>wanna keep in the plan, and put G and I in charge?"</p><p> </p><p>"I - no - " Pearl begins, panicking. "You've got school, and work, and I  - I can't - "</p><p> </p><p>"You can," Amethyst interrupts, soothingly. "<em>Your</em> big project between now and May is gettin' your head back to a good place. Garnet and I got everything else. Can you do that for me?"</p><p> </p><p>"...I'll try," Pearl concedes, reluctantly. Content with the compromise, Amethyst rewards her with another kiss, and they lie together for another short while until the silence begins to chafes the edges of Amethyst's mind. </p><p> </p><p>"I wanna get this right too, y'know," she says, in a rush. "I worry <em>all</em> the time I'm gonna screw something up. Say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, whatever. 'Specially as the big perfect proposal went to hell in a handcart. But... we got each other, we got an officiant, we got our friends. Could have a potluck on the beach for all I care. Whatever else happens, we'll be fine."</p><p> </p><p>"I hope so." Pearl's voice is tiny and uncertain. Amethyst bops her lightly on the tip of her long nose.</p><p> </p><p>"As long as I show up at the right courthouse. There <em>is</em> only one in Beach City, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't you dare even joke about that." </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It starts as a joke. Then, after some serious thought, it becomes reality. </p><p> </p><p>"So it's settled," Amethyst announces, to the three other members of her ragtag planning committee. Pearl is out at a doctor's appointment, leaving Amethyst to invite Garnet, Lapis and Peridot over. The latter pair been bribed handsomely, this window of opportunity having clashed with the limited-time theater screening of some old Camp Pining Hearts movie, and the evidence thereof is strewn across floor and table in the form of doughnut wrappers and half-drunk coffee cups.</p><p> </p><p>Indebted to her friends she may be, but Amethyst briefly misses the binder as she surveys the mess. She hopes to God that nobody spills anything, though she hadn't been able to stop Pearl double-copying everything as a precautionary measure. <em>Baby steps,</em> she reminds herself. <em>Gotta meet her in the middle</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"And?" Garnet urges, obviously excited. She's the only one who showed on time, with no incentive other than an active role in helping pull the wedding together. Amethyst is dizzyingly grateful for her. "Survey says...?"</p><p> </p><p>"Courthouse ceremony. Beach potluck for the reception."</p><p> </p><p>"Great," Lapis drawls. She's spreadeagled on the couch, dangling her coffee perilously close to a few sketched seating charts. "That mean I can wear my swimsuit?" </p><p> </p><p>"Try it," Amethyst shrugs, picking her teeth as she looks over her own - far shorter - checklist, "but my wife will literally kill you."</p><p> </p><p>"Urgh," the blue-haired woman groans. "I knew you two were becoming a hivemind when <em>you</em> started getting <em>organised</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"A convenient and economical decision," Peridot nods, Lapis' knees across her lap, wiping powdered sugar off her hands with a Big Donut napkin. "A relaxed setting for the non-ceremonial portion of the event will eliminate the need for a costly venue booking."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, and we ain't really got enough people to justify like, hiring someplace. Hell, my freakin' sister's invite came back with a 'Return to Sender'," Amethyst snorts. Privately, she's pleased. Jasper would've been the type to start a brawl in the aisle if someone else had showed up in the same color shirt.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl feels awful that half your cousins can't attend," Garnet counsels.</p><p> </p><p>"Eh, she shouldn't," Amethyst waves an airy hand. "Famethyst are spread all over - it's a miracle Elle's even allowed over state lines, to be honest. Ten dollars says I get a card like, a month late. P's sister finally freakin' RSVP'd so that's everyone off her list."</p><p> </p><p>"Bridesmaids?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck it. Sorry guys, we love you, but it's way too much hassle to bother with. Wear what you like - <em>semiformal</em>, Lapis. Peri, you're in charge of her."</p><p> </p><p>"Smart," Garnet adds. In her peripheral vision, Amethyst catches Lapis flipping her off. She merrily returns the gesture without looking up from the page.</p><p> </p><p>"So, guest list done, Ste-man's ringbearer, Greg's on music, photographer downpayment made, everything claimed off the list for the potluck, drinks ordered wholesale - thank God we didn't need a liquor license... We got the rings, the officiant, the party tent - "</p><p> </p><p>"Gazebo."</p><p> </p><p>" - yep, thanks, Garnet - seating cards done, flowers sorted, I got my dress - "</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks to Lapis," Peridot chips in indignantly on her girlfriend's behalf.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks to Lapis," Amethyst agrees, with a laugh. It couldn't be denied that Lapis, despite putting up one hell of a show of disinterest, had been instrumental to Amethyst finding her wedding dress at a bargain.</p><p> </p><p>Then again, she supposes most brides-to-be don't find their perfect match on the back of a text reading "so, <em>one of the lifeguards got cheated on. she's short, about your size. wanna buy her wedding dress? she's for sure gonna burn it on their front lawn if noone takes it".</em></p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I want you and Pearl to remember that," Lapis chips in. "Basically saving the wedding here. I should be charging for my time. I better get a shoutout in the speech."</p><p> </p><p>"No speech," Amethyst answers, good-naturedly, "and no dice. Jeez, at least mooch <em>nicely.</em> Anyway... I ain't gonna bother with fancy wedding makeup, only gonna smudge it, why screw around? Gonna get my hair done morning of, though. Vidalia knows some aesthetician who does house calls."</p><p> </p><p>"I could still dye it," Lapis offers, smirking wickedly. </p><p> </p><p>"You helped me find the dress and I'm hella appreciative, but I'm not trustin' you around a dye job ever again," Amethyst shrugs, as Peridot taps Lapis on the shoulder, waving her cell under the blue-haired woman's nose. Amethyst seizes the opportunity to drop her voice and address Garnet. "Hey, G, how's things going pickin' an outfit for Pearl?" </p><p> </p><p>"She's fine," Garnet reassures her.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?" Amethyst pushes. Peridot and Lapis are mercifully distracted: Peridot, now bemoaning the sparsity of CPH screenings through a mouthful of jelly donut; Lapis, brushing the resulting spray of crumbs off her sweatpants. Amethyst looks back to Garnet, eyebrows raised in question. They both know that finding an outfit Pearl feels comfortable and confident in has been proving more fraught than usual, what with her brain giving her the runaround - and Amethyst would rather call off the wedding than have her unhappy on the day. "She doing alright with it?" </p><p> </p><p>"Provisional bookings at a couple of second-hand stores. We're taking it slow."</p><p> </p><p>"Smart," Amethyst says, satisfied. Garnet nods in agreement.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl will be fine. The most important thing is that we don't stress her out and let her do things at her own pace."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"I swear," Pearl's sister moans from behind the changing room curtain, "if you don't get out of there <em>right now,</em> I'm going to die of boredom and you'll have a funeral to plan instead of a wedding."</p><p> </p><p>"Be patient," Pearl calls, turning this way and that as she eyes her reflection critically in the mirror. Still, she pulls back the curtain and steps out, with a swish of organza, to where Garnet and her sisters have been waiting.</p><p> </p><p>"...What do we think?"</p><p> </p><p>Garnet's face gives nothing away. Xanthe seems stunned into silence. Violet gives a little gasp of delight, actually brushing her bangs out of her eyes to get a better look at Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," she breathes. "You look - you look like a bride!"</p><p> </p><p>"That," Pearl smiles nervously as her sister's fingers itch toward her purse, which Pearl knows for certain contains a sketchbook and drawing pencils, "is sort of the point."</p><p> </p><p>"It is... striking," manages her other sister, eyes wide beneath her angular yellow-blonde bob. </p><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Garnet asks, "how do you feel, wearing that?"</p><p> </p><p>"I... I don't know," Pearl murmurs, doubtfully, glancing back to the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>The dress is beautiful - crisp white, intricate detailing picked out in beads and seed pearls, looping interwoven patterns from the modest illusion neckline down to the full skirt. It's gorgeous, and a real bargain: there's a rip in the back, hence it finding its way to the thrift store in the first place, but Pearl is confident she could repair the damage and get away with it.</p><p> </p><p>But something feels off. Not the familiar sick self-hatred, the kind that compels her to punish her body and sends her to therapy once a week. Her reflection in the mirror doesn't send her spiralling, this time. She looks -  she feels - okay. But that's where it ends.</p><p> </p><p>The dress truly is a dream. She just... isn't sure if it's <em>her.</em></p><p> </p><p>"If you could wear anything," Garnet asks, as if she'd read her mind, "what would it be?"</p><p> </p><p>"I want a tux." The words are out of her mouth before she can think to stop them.</p><p> </p><p>"Ooh," exclaims Violet, hair falling over her face as she clasps her hands. Garnet looks overjoyed, but Xanthe's face falls.</p><p> </p><p>"I..." Xanthe seems to be struggling. "I don't understand. You're a woman. A... gay woman. So why would you choose men's formalwear?"</p><p> </p><p>"Because dressing up and feeling comfortable in yourself isn’t tied to your gender, or to gender norms," Garnet tells her plainly, expression slipping into set-jaw defiance. “Anyone can wear whatever they damn well please. Including Pearl.”</p><p> </p><p>Xanthe shrinks under Garnet's scrutiny as her twin giggles.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl wants to throw her arms around her best friend, but she's trapped, any grand gestures hampered by lace and tulle. Garnet has defended Pearl from many of her sister's less tolerant musings over the years, and Pearl knows that her sister is having difficulty wrapping her mind around Pearl's 'lifestyle choices', as she persists in phrasing it. Fortunately, her twin is more supportive, and Pearl is pleased - she'd always gotten on better with Vi.</p><p> </p><p>"I think," Violet tells her, dreamily, "a suit would look incredible."</p><p> </p><p>"I agree," Garnet beams.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," Pearl says, catching Xanthe's eye. Her other sister seems to grapple with herself for a moment, opening and closing her mouth, before she shrugs. </p><p> </p><p>"Suit yourself," she tells her, eventually, cheeks flushing pink. </p><p> </p><p>"That's what I plan on doing," Pearl says, faintly smug. "Now - Garnet, please help me out of this thing. I swear, wedding dresses are worse than any tutu."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Thank you for today, Garnet.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don't mention it. I had fun!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Are you absolutely certain it's okay?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>For the millionth time, Pearl: you're going to look AMAZING.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Could you do me a favor?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sure.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don't tell Amethyst, please? I want her to be surprised. x</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh, she will be :D :D :D</em> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"I propose a toast!" Garnet calls, as they all clink glasses. "To Amethyst and Pearl!"</p><p> </p><p>"To me, and my hot as hell fiancée!" Amethyst hollers.</p><p> </p><p>"To Ame and Pearl!" Vidalia echoes, already well on her way to tipsy - with a kid at home, she doesn't get out often, and had planned to make the most of her 'night off'.</p><p> </p><p>"To Pearl and Amethyst," Greg joins in, smiling tiredly.</p><p> </p><p>"In celebration of Amethyst and Pearl's impending nuptials!" Peridot chimes, holding her soda aloft.</p><p> </p><p>"To me, never again having to hear you bitch and moan about not getting laid," Lapis says, trying her best to maintain a veneer of apathy, but smiling in spite of herself. "...And you and the wondernerd. Whatever. Have a marriage, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"Say, Lazuli," Vidalia asks, "what about you and the Peridorito? Any wedding bells ringin'?"</p><p> </p><p>"Lapis and I enjoy an evolved partner relationship," Peridot says, businesslike. "We feel no pressure or requirement to conform to ritualistic expressions of our affection for one another. I for one am quite content in our shared understanding of the limit of our romantic interaction."</p><p> </p><p>"So, what's the limit?" asks Greg. Lapis side-eyes Peridot as she adjusts her glasses, looking contemplative.</p><p> </p><p>"My affection for Lapis is bound to the limits of the most widely known mathematical constant."</p><p> </p><p>"In English, space slice," Vidalia slurs.</p><p> </p><p>"It's pi.”</p><p> </p><p>”<em>You’re </em>pie.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s an irrational number!” Peridot pouts, flustered. "No exact value except as an infinite series. That is to say... one may asign an expression based upon a known integer, for ease of expression, however - "</p><p> </p><p>"Peridot," Lapis interrupts, softly. "It's okay."</p><p> </p><p>"No!" Peridot stutters, blushing deeply. "It - it doesn't exist. As such, there is... no final digit. No known limit, per say."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow," Amethyst laughs, shaking her head incredulously as Vidalia wolf-whistles. "Unbelievable. And you call Pearl a nerd."</p><p> </p><p>“Bite me,” Lapis snarls, burying her flaming cheeks in Peridot's collar. It’s not enough, however, to entirely muffle the mumbling from which 'fucking dweeb' and 'love you, too' can be clearly distinguished. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for inviting me to this thing; Garnet - and Amethyst," Greg tells them across the hubbub. "I wasn't sure if dudes were allowed."</p><p> </p><p>"Eh, we're not really... big on tradition," Amethyst shrugs. "Kind of goes with the territory. Also would've felt like an ass leaving you literally holdin' the baby while we got shitfaced."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't let him hear you call him a baby," Greg chuckles. "He is nearly three. Very particular about that. He was unimpressed when I had to tell him he couldn't come to the party."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, someday he'll be a real party guy, I bet. I've seen that little dude chug a bottle," Amethyst says, belching behind her hand. It's a newer habit, one she's developed from years in proximity to Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>The alcohol has her loose and mellow, but the warm feeling tingling in her extremities is less to do with the beer and more the thought of the future ahead. How many other weird idiosyncrasies will she and Pearl pick up from one another? How many will they pick up together? They've changed so much in just a few short years. Who knows what they'll be like after a decade or more, lives bound together like vines up a trellis.</p><p> </p><p>She'd never had herself down as the marrying sort. Pearl, as always, has knack for defying her expectations.</p><p> </p><p>"Ame," Vidalia calls. "We gonna head to the next bar or what? I gotta get drunk to get over the fact that you're gettin' wed before me, girl."</p><p> </p><p>"Not quite," Garnet responds, as she sets down her beer. "I thought we might make a stop at the arcade."</p><p> </p><p>"Aw, yeah!" whoops Amethsyst, picking up her purse, along with the gigantic purple feather boa she'd been presented with as bachelorette. "I'm gonna kick your ass at Road Killer, then kick it again at beer pong. And then, I'mma get <em>married -</em>"</p><p> </p><p>" - and Pearl will be legally obliged to kick your ass, forever," Lapis interrupts with a snort, eyes rolling like marbles. "You're already whipped as shit. She's going to ruin you."</p><p> </p><p>But as the evening continues, Amethyst realizes she doesn't mind one jot if Lapis is right. All the trials and terrors of the future seem infinitely more bearable knowing Pearl will, in a matter of weeks, be her wife.</p><p> </p><p>They've already seen some shit. As long as Pearl's still waking up beside her, she can handle whatever comes after.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Garnet," hums Pearl, floating belly-up in the warm water, "this is... divine."</p><p> </p><p>"I figured you might need to chill out," Garnet murmurs in reply, hair protected from the water by a large swim cap. "I also figured you might not want a bar crawl."</p><p> </p><p>"Won't the others mind?"</p><p> </p><p>"Nah. They'll be waiting for us at the apartment for party games and takeout of your choosing. I left Peridot in charge."</p><p> </p><p>“Is that wise?”</p><p> </p><p>”Hmmm... Probably be fine. Ask me in an hour.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl makes a drowsy noise as she reopens her eyes. The spa Garnet had spirited her away to is out of state, halfway up a mountain, and the imminent sunset has painted the sky a dusky pink above the treetops. The place is idyllic.</p><p> </p><p>They'd had a massage apiece, and are now free to enjoy the rest of the facilities until their time is up. Garnet has managed to rearrange a few of her coaching sessions to free up a midweek afternoon and the spa is nearly deserted, meaning Pearl's anxiety over being seen in her one-piece is drastically reduced - she's certain Garnet planned that, too.</p><p> </p><p>They still have three-quarters of an hour remaining. Pearl's whole body is warm and loose as they watch whorls of steam rise, swirling gossamer off the surface of the outdoor pool before disappearing into the cool air. It's <em>perfect</em>. She hadn't realized just how stressed she'd been. Pearl has grown used to existing in one of two states: well or unwell, with very little in-between. She hasn't been as bad as earlier in the year, not for a while - she didn't dare lie to Garnet and Amethyst - but with the wedding just a week away, she's started to feel fractious and panicky over the silliest details once again. </p><p> </p><p>She is excited; truly, she is - but there are so many ways this can go wrong. It's supposed to be the best day of Amethyst's life and Pearl can feel worry spreading like roots in the back of her mind, gnawing at the corners of her consciousness: the certainty that despite all the planning, she will do something to spoil it all.</p><p> </p><p>And there's something else, too: something she doesn't feel she could say, even to her therapist or to Amethyst, a guilty longing she can't address aloud to anyone but Garnet.</p><p> </p><p>"...I miss her," she says, quietly. "It feels wrong to do this without her."</p><p> </p><p>Garnet inclines her head to show that she's heard her even over the faint bubbling of the hot tub a short distance away. </p><p> </p><p>"She would've been so proud of you."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl bites her lip. "It's not - I don't - please don't think that - "</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl. Don't panic. It's okay," Garnet tells her calmly. "Wedding stress is perfectly normal. You should've seen my mom before she and Mum renewed their vows - I thought she was going to spontaneously combust. And it's only natural for a milestone like this to bring up thoughts of Rose."</p><p> </p><p>"I just - it feels so strange," Pearl admits. "I always thought it would be Rose I married. And... she never got to do this. I know she would've been incorrigible - "</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Garnet says fondly, "your hen party would have been a lot crazier if she was still here to help with the organising."</p><p> </p><p>"Would she..." Pearl hesitates, treading water as she gropes for the right words. "Would she be happy for me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh,<em> Pearl.</em> As long as you're doing what makes you happy, you can always know she would've been made up for you. You love Amethyst."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course!"</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Garnet says, kindly, "and Amethyst loves you too. I'll remind you of that daily, if I have to. You're a great team. Plus, Rose would have loved seeing you exchange vows. You know what she was like with weddings." She smiles up at the sky through her tinted goggles, watching it darken to mauve. "And birthdays. And Christmas."</p><p> </p><p>"Halloween," Pearl sighs wistfully, breath puffing silver. "Easter. Valentine's. New Year. Vernal Equinox. She loved it all.”</p><p> </p><p>”She really did.”</p><p> </p><p>”Ooh, do you remember when Vidalia's... ex, perhaps? Greg knew him, anyway - he called her the 'fun police' for commenting on the exploitative history of Thanksgiving that one time, and she - </p><p> </p><p>" - Let down his tyres," Garnet finishes, chuckling. "And held the pump to ransom 'til he said sorry. To everyone. <em>Individually</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Was Amethyst there?" Pearl wonders aloud.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, not that year. She'd have eaten the centrepiece - those apologies took forever." Garnet's laughter fades as she fixes Pearl with a long look.</p><p> </p><p>They've lost a lot - gained a lot, too - over the years. Yet sometimes when they're together, the negative space is especially difficult to ignore: distinctive imprint never filled; name haltingly skirted around in a story. Like a seating card, lovingly written, for a guest who’ll never arrive. Garnet breathes in slowly through her nose before she speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>"The point is - Rose thought happiness was worth celebrating. And she... cared about you, so deeply. She would have been ecstatic."</p><p> </p><p>"You always know what to say," Pearl says. Swimming up next to Garnet, she rests her head affectionately on her sturdy shoulder. "You know I'd do all of this for you, if marriage was your kind of thing. I'm... sorry, I suppose, that it's so one-sided."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't be," Garnet says simply. "I have family and friends - plenty of people I love. I know who I am and what I want, and I know I'm not missing out on anything. I don't need to date or be married to be happy. I don't need to apologize for being myself. Why should you?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl murmurs in agreement. She loses herself in thought as she lifts her hand out of the gently heated water, watching steam swirl off her wet skin. Sometimes she really does envy Garnet's stability and self-possession, half-wonders how much of it - if any - is to do with her being aro-ace. What would she herself have turned out like if she'd been the same way?</p><p> </p><p><em>Well,</em> she reflects,<em> I would have saved a lot of time crying over Rose</em>. It still hurts to think about her, the memory box beneath her bed never opened without a fresh baptism of tears; but she still feels as though Rose had handed her the keys to her own happiness before their somewhat tumultuous ending. And if they'd ended differently, an amicable parting of ways rather than Pearl's hasty ultimatums... she might never have posted the ad for the room when she did. She might never have met Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p><em>No</em>, she thinks, as warm twinkling lights begin to flicker on from the nearby hedges. She doesn't like the alternate endings. Garnet's life is her own, and makes perfect sense for her - and heaven help anyone who dared criticize it with Pearl in earshot. But her and Amethyst's journey, their messy painful paths converging into marriage and a family and a life together - this is her right way.</p><p> </p><p>And in a week, Amethyst will be her wife. Her stomach flips, but she realizes that amidst the panic and uncertainty, she's looking forward to it.</p><p> </p><p>"Come on," Garnet encourages, snapping her out of her daydream, guiding her lightly by the shoulder. "The hot tub isn't going to test itself."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"How do I look?" Amethyst frets, yet again, turning this way and that in the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>"Like the world's sexiest snow beast," Vidalia teases, tweaking the flowers pinned into her updo. Amethyst playfully swats her shoulder as she gives her ensemble a last once-over.</p><p> </p><p>Garnet is gone, having split the morning of the wedding between their apartment and her own - Pearl has stayed the night there to prevent either of them accidentally seeing one another before the big moment. Lapis and Peridot have long since been dispatched for last minute set-up, and Greg and Steven are meeting them there. It's just the two of them now, and Vidalia winks as she tops up Amethyst's glass from the half-bottle of champagne on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>"So. Wedded bliss awaits."</p><p> </p><p>"Sure looks that way," Amethyst says, as they clink glasses. "Look at us. All mature and responsible like."</p><p> </p><p>"Pfft. Technically, we're day-drinking, and I got a sitter for after sundown," Vidalia hoots. "Watch me tear up the beach later and tell me who's responsible."</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno," Amethyst quips, "I'm gettin' married, you got Yellowtail and a kid. Seems like five minutes ago we were gettin' into all kinds - "</p><p> </p><p>"- urgh, speak for yourself. I was usually getting <em>out</em> of someone else's van," the blonde interrupts, with a grimace. Amethyst takes a slow sip of her champagne, letting the bubbles tickle her tongue.</p><p> </p><p>"This isn't gonna change everything, is it?" she asks, on impulse. "I love Pearl to bits, don't get me wrong. But... I'm not, like,  gonna blink and wake up some strung-out suburban housewife with P and I fightin' every damn day?"</p><p> </p><p>Vidalia considers this, swirling her glass by the stem, bubbles swaying like strings of tiny beads. Amethyst is suddenly apprehensive. It isn't often her friend has a response that's delivered without tongue firmly planted in cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"It'll change things, for sure" she answers, finally. "But... not in a bad way. We've grown up. Doesn't mean we stop being us. Like you said, you love her, and you know this is what you want." She meets Amethyst's eye as she finally smiles. "I'm sure you'll find your own unique way to weird up a marriage."</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Amethyst murmurs, taking another sip for something to do with her hands. "Whew. Okay, no more of that, don't want G to have to carry me up the aisle."</p><p> </p><p>"Tastes like ass anyway," Vidalia chortles, wrinkling her nose. "It's just bubbles. Gimme tequila any day. Hey, Ame - " she says, causing Amethyst to pause in the act of adjusting the short veil pinned at the top of her cascading bun. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't psych yourself out. It's gonna be okay." She raises an eyebrow. "I've know you ten years. I can see when you're getting antsy."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst huffs a snort of amusement. "Prob'ly see it from space. Jeez, V..." Without thinking she wipes her sweaty palms on the skirt of her dress.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuckssake," Vidalia curses, grabbing her a paper towel from the roller in the kitchen and forcing it into her hands. "Glad you didn't rent the damn thing. Deep breath." She clasps both of Amethyst's trembling hands in her own. "You're getting married, not operated on. What're you worried about?"</p><p> </p><p>"I dunno," Amethyst admits. "I know she's gonna show. I know she's not gonna be late. I know we planned everything. It's not really today, it's just... a lot, y'know?" </p><p> </p><p>"Of course it is," Vidalia agrees, eyes warm below the heavy application of liner. "It's a lot because it's your wedding. To Pearl. Who you've been obsessed with since you first answered that ad."</p><p> </p><p>"We fought about five times a week."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, c'mon. As your de facto bridesmaid, I feel like it's my sacred duty to know the difference between 'I honestly hate this chick' Ame Alvárez bitching and its cousin over in Obvious Crush county," Vidalia teases, giving her a squeeze. "And you get to marry her in like, an hour. Sure, she's a total weirdo and a real perfectionist, but she's <em>your</em> weirdo perfectionist. And you're her last-minute procrastinator who uses her t-shirt as a napkin. She chose you, and you chose her, and today you get it in writing. You already signed up to a whole future with that ginger beanstalk - today is just a formality. So no more overthinking, got it?"</p><p> </p><p>Somehow, it helps, and the writhing knot of nerves in her chest slackens some as Amethyst nods. "Just a formality. But... we're still gonna party."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, for sure. Wanna find out later if I can still do a keg stand?"</p><p> </p><p>"Wouldn't want a wedding without it."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"What if she's<em> late</em>?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's three minutes to, Pearl. She's here already, Vidalia texted. She'll be right on time."</p><p> </p><p>"What if I forget what to say?"</p><p> </p><p>"That's what the officiant is for. I have a spare copy of your vows, but trust me, you do not need them."</p><p> </p><p>"How do you know?"</p><p> </p><p>"You were mumbling them over and over last night," Garnet tells her plainly. "That guest room is <em>not</em> soundproof. Pearl, it's going to be okay. Everyone's here, everything's under control, and you look damn good."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl fiddles with her lapel, admiring the floral spray pinned to her suit jacket despite the nerves fizzling acidic through every inch of her being. "Are you sure?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm positive. I'd want to borrow that outfit if you weren't half my size," her best friend teases. The music changes, and Pearl feels a yank of panic.</p><p> </p><p>"That's the last on the list before the entry song, Garnet! Oh my God, I <em>swear</em> if Greg's screwed up the track list I'll - "</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Garnet sighs, fond but weary. "We have listened to it over twenty times, and Greg put a lot of time and effort in with the CD."</p><p> </p><p>"I - I know," she admits, with difficulty. "I know. But - "</p><p> </p><p>"Stop projecting, and for goodness' sake stop worrying," Garnet tells her. "Look around. Everyone here is here to celebrate you and Amethyst. That's all we care about. But nothing is <em>going </em>to go wrong."</p><p> </p><p>"How do you know?" Pearl pleads, urgently.</p><p> </p><p>"'Cause the doors are opening," is Garnet's simple answer.</p><p> </p><p>The small congregation rises to their feet - their friends, Pearl's sisters, a few of Amethyst's cousins, an assortment of colleagues - and all heads turn excitedly towards the door.</p><p> </p><p>First comes Steven, puttering up the aisle - a short walk for an adult, but a fair distance for a toddler. His round face is crumpled with concentration as he carefully puts one foot before the other, encouraged in whispers from the sidelines by Greg. However, as he looks up, he catches sight of Pearl and Garnet and beams.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi!" he calls out, voice bright and carrying.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl can't help but laugh aloud as Garnet waves at him, and the chubby legs work faster to spirit him towards their place at the front of the ceremonial room. Once he reaches them, he gazes up at them both, seemingly astonished by their formal attire. His brown eyes are huge and warm and so like Rose's it could break Pearl's heart.</p><p> </p><p>"I did good?" he asks. Forgetting all about her tux, she grabs him into a tight hug.</p><p> </p><p>"You did wonderfully," she murmurs into the brown fluff of his hair. "I love you, so much."</p><p> </p><p>Garnet crouches beside them, pulling out a box tightly wrapped in purple twine.</p><p> </p><p>"Could you give this to your dad like we practiced?" she asks, as Pearl lets Steven go. "I'll tie the rings on the special cushion for you, then you get to bring it up when I give you the secret signal."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay!" he nods eagerly. Garnet kisses his forehead.</p><p> </p><p>"You got this, Cutie Pie."</p><p> </p><p>Steven nods solemnly, clutching the box in both hands. "I got this."</p><p> </p><p>Greg has slipped up along the rows of chairs and slid into his assigned seat, beside the place of honor reserved for Steven. As the toddler runs into his arms and is scooped into his father's embrace, he catches Pearl's eye. Today, everything that came before is water under the bridge: it's no effort on her part to smile, albeit briefly, and he visibly relaxes.</p><p> </p><p>At the end of the aisle, there's more movement. Peridot appears, basket of flowers in the crook of her arm, wearing a daffodil-yellow dress and a deadly serious expression as she begins pelting the aisle with petals as if the courthouse carpet has issued her a personal insult. Lapis muffles her laughter at the sight, sharp eyes unusually fond, while Pearl's stomach begins performing acrobatics.</p><p> </p><p>“Garnet, I can’t,” she whispers, scrabbling for Garnet's hand and gripping it hard enough to bruise.  “I’m going to mess everything up and - “</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl,” Garnet tells her, returning her panicky grip with equal, soothing pressure. “You’re spiralling. You can do this. Remember why you’re here.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love her.” Next comes Vidalia, sashaying unhurried down the aisle, though she turns and flashes a grin over her shoulder to someone hidden out of view by the door: the photographer, Pearl thinks, the photographer and... </p><p> </p><p>“And Amethyst?“</p><p> </p><p>“...loves me, too.” She takes a deep breath, exhales slow, and manages a tight nod. “Alright. Okay. I'm good. Garnet - “</p><p> </p><p>Garnet pulls her into a hug before she can finish the sentence. Peridot’s mumbled “flowers for you, flowers for you” fades to silence, but they hang onto each other tightly for a long moment.</p><p> </p><p>“I am proud beyond words of you, Pearl.” Garnet is radiating joy, whole face lit up with it. “C’mon. It’s showtime.”</p><p> </p><p>As Amethyst steps into the room a second later, Pearl forgets how to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>It's a miracle she doesn't trip over her own feet, she thinks after - the first glimpse of Pearl in her tuxedo and tails is enough to knock about anyone off their feet. She grips her bouquet tightly as she crosses the floor, an irrepressible smile spreading molasses-slow across her whole face; forgetting her nerves, forgetting what pace to walk, forgetting everything other than Pearl up ahead.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's eyes are huge, radiating terror until the exact second she locks her gaze with Amethyst's. Her shoulders sag visibly with relief under the sharp cut of her jacket as she drinks Amethyst in: stunning, shoulders bare above white tulle and silk, simplicity accentuated by the bright flowers of her bouquet and her hair. By the time her soon-to-be wife reaches her she is beaming, already with tears in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You look beautiful,” Pearl whispers. Amethyst beams up at her. <em>Fuck. We’re really doing this.</em></p><p> </p><p>“So do you,” she replies "Like, hot damn. A tux. Wow."</p><p> </p><p>"You like it?"</p><p> </p><p>"I love it," Amethyst says, eyes dinner-plate wide. "Seriously. <em>Woof</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Told you," grins Garnet. Amethyst throws her arms around their best friend, almost squashing the deftly-tied spray of freesia and hydrangea pinned to Garnet's chest. </p><p> </p><p>"Careful of the dress!" Vidalia hisses, as Garnet almost lifts Amethyst off her feet. </p><p> </p><p>"Screw the dress," Amethyst mutters, her and Garnet gripping one another's forearms as they pull apart. "Thanks, G. For everything."</p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome." Garnet hesitates, then removes her shades to look at them. Both her blue and brown eyes are shimmering with tears, and the sight as well as the gesture nearly set both Pearl and Amethyst off. "I am so, <em>so</em> happy for both of you."</p><p> </p><p>"Couldn't have done it without you," Amethyst manages. Garnet sniffles once before the tinted lenses go back on, taking her seat between Bismuth and Steven and giving the brides a double thumbs up. Pearl’s own hands are shaking as she extends them to Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>“Ready?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ready. Lez do this," Amethyst manages, with a wink, and Pearl can't help roll her eyes affectionately as they lace their fingers. The music quietens to a stop, bang on cue, and the officiant clears his throat.</p><p> </p><p>"We are gathered here today to witness the union of these two persons in the contract of marriage," he recites. "Pearl and Amethyst have made the choice to commit their lives to one another, with their family and friends here to bear witness as they exchange vows which will bind them in matrimony from this day until the end of days. If any person present knows any legal reason why Pearl and Amethyst may not be joined in marriage, please speak now."</p><p> </p><p>Everyone seems to hold their breath as Pearl and Amethyst glance around. The seconds tick by in silence, before the officiant smiles.</p><p> </p><p>"Then, since we have no objections -" </p><p> </p><p>"Thank God," murmurs Lapis audibly, to a ripple of muted laughter.</p><p> </p><p>" - we may proceed to the exchanging of vows. Are you, Pearl, free lawfully to marry Amethyst?” </p><p> </p><p>"I am." Pearl is astonished at how suddenly clear her voice sounds.</p><p> </p><p>"And are you, Amethyst, free lawfully to marry Pearl?"</p><p> </p><p>"Heck yes," Amethyst affirms cheerfully, before adding "I mean - yes, I am."</p><p> </p><p>"Who has the rings?"</p><p> </p><p>"Me!" Steven clambers to his feet, carrying aloft the small satin pillow: upon it, two eternity bands, attached with ribbon. As he joins them, he whispers loudly to Amethyst, "You look pretty!"</p><p> </p><p>"You scrub up well too, little dude," Amethyst replies, ruffling his hair as he giggles. "You gonna hold that there for us for a sec?"</p><p> </p><p>Steven nods soberly, as the officiant asks "Who wishes to say their vows first?"</p><p> </p><p>"Me," Amethyst replies, with a laugh, remembering their long deliberation over the matter before Pearl had finally settled to the comforting idea of alphabetical order. Sobering up, she looks back at Pearl, hoping to God she doesn't drop the damn ring.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl and Amethyst have chosen to exchange rings as a symbol of their enduring love and commitment to each other. Amethyst, you may now place Pearl's ring on her finger as you offer your vows."</p><p> </p><p>With clumsy fingers, glad for Garnet's forethought in not tying the rings on too tightly, she takes Pearl's left hand and slips the simple silver band onto the right finger. As it slides home, she feels curiously as though she's watching their joined hands from outside her own body, and suddenly it takes real effort not to cry. She trains her eyes on on the smiling face above her framed by strawberry-blonde, so full of love it nearly leaves her tongue-tied - but looking at Pearl steadies her, so she glances down at the ring and then back up to meet Pearl's full eyes, gathering herself. <em>This is it. </em></p><p> </p><p>She takes a deep, calming inhale, and begins. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"You still remember the whole thing?" Pearl asks, surprised. "It's... been almost a decade."</p><p> </p><p>"Obviously," Amethyst mumbles, scuffing the carpet with the toe of her shoe. "Took me long enough to freakin' write it all. I'm not all wordy and eloquent like you, nearly lost my damn mind tryin' to get it right. As if you don't remember yours."</p><p> </p><p>"Word perfect." </p><p> </p><p>"Figures," Amethyst says with a low chuckle. She glances at Pearl, pointedly ignoring their hands, still dangling interlinked in the space between their chairs.</p><p> </p><p>"I'd be interested to hear them," Sapphire cuts in softly. Startled out of their reverie, they both blink in bemusement, and she continues.</p><p> </p><p>"The vows a married couple make as they commit their lives to one another can often be useful during relationship therapy, to examine the goals each partner set and the standards to which they hold themselves in their relationship. This can be useful when walking through the many ways relationships change throughout time, as life goals are met or put aside and couples face together the shared challenges married life brings." Her keen blue eye is intent on first Pearl, then Amethyst.</p><p> </p><p>"Every individual is different, and a healthy marriage relies on respecting and uplifting those differences as a strength as partners work towards compromise and understanding. It's helpful to look back on points of connection... even as we examine where we can improve around areas where a couple may have grown apart."</p><p> </p><p>"Oof," Amethyst winces, "we got plenty of those. You really gonna make us do this?"</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire inclines her head. "Only if you both feel comfortable doing so. This is not a space in which anyone is forced to share."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl opens her mouth, closes it, like a fish floundering out of water. "I feel... bad, when I think about everything I said in our wedding. I feel like I over-promised and under-delivered."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst snatches her hand away. "Could you <em>stop</em> treating our freaking relationship like some project review for five seconds?"</p><p> </p><p>"I wasn't - !"</p><p> </p><p>"Ladies!" The volume never rises, but the tone cuts through the sudden tension easy as a knife through butter. Sapphire smiles as they both stop, abashed, and look back to her. "As we were saying - if you feel able to do so, would you mind recounting your weddings vows to me?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst pops her jaw, waiting. Finally, Pearl nods, nostrils flared. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright," she concedes, irritable but defeated. </p><p> </p><p>"Fine," Amethyst agrees, with equal reluctance. "Where the hell where we?"</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Pearl," Amethyst starts, voice cracking. "I love you. How much I love you... honestly, feels kinda wild. We're so different, I never would've thought in a million years we'd end up here. But we did." She takes a tremulous breath as she continues.</p><p> </p><p>"We did it, babe. We made it. Somewhere amidst my dumpster fire of a life, I got - you. And I still don't get it, but some things are way too good to keep on questioning. You're amazing, and all the tough bits are totally worth it. I always thought 'a problem shared is a problem halved' smacked of B.S - "</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl hisses, gaze flashing down toward the starry-eyed and oblivious Steven - but her smile never fails, and her lashes are aglimmer with tears.</p><p> </p><p>" - Sorry! Anywho - I thought it was stupid, but I guess you've proven me wrong, and I'm alright with that. Bein' together takes work, a hell of a lot of it, but loving you is automatic - it's like... blinking or breathing, some kinda reflex. It's totally cheesy but... you're home to me."</p><p> </p><p>She's conscious of all the eyes on her, but the only ones she cares about are Pearl's, huge and blue and swallowing her up like a summer sky. Her tongue is suddenly a catcher's mitt in her mouth, and her eyes sting. She swallows hard and carries on.</p><p> </p><p>"You ain't perfect, and I love you for it. You make me stupid happy even when we're makin' each other mad. You make me wanna be the best possible version of me, even though, my God, sometimes we're such a mess." The frank admission is made with a shaky laugh. "I am so freakin' lucky to have you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I've never, ever wanted to get anything right like this before in my damn life. I'm absolutely head-over-heels for you, P. I don't ever wanna be without you." She squeezes Pearl's hand in her own, thumb brushing the new ring, as she adds in a whisper, "Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>Her composure finally breaks, then - a strangled noise bubbling out of her, halfway between a giggle and a sob. Quickly, she turns her face upward, blinking hard to prevent the tears ruining her makeup. Pearl pulls a tissue out from behind her immaculately folded pocket square and passes it to Amethyst while Steven watches, bemused.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't cry!" he implores.</p><p> </p><p>"Happy tears, kiddo, I promise," Amethyst assures him, dabbing at her eyes before handing the tissue back to Pearl. "Thanks. Bet you're gonna need that more than I do."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't doubt it," Pearl replies, freeing the remaining ring. "You were perfect, Steven - thank you. You can go and sit down, now."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, great job, buddy," adds Amethyst. Steven runs back to his father, delighted, as Pearl turns to Amethyst with a timid smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Pearl, you may now place Amethyst's ring on her finger as you offer your vows."</p><p> </p><p>"It better fit," teases Amethyst under her breath, earning a nervous giggle from Pearl as she begins to ease the ring onto her third finger - but fortunately it fits on easily. They both breathe a sigh of relief, Pearl's finger and thumb trembling around the silver band as she begins to speak.</p><p> </p><p>"I... can scarcely believe this is happening. I'd given up on finding someone who made me feel like I was enough. I thought I'd spend my entire life trying to prove myself, trying to do <em>better</em>, just to be worthy of taking up anyone's time or space, but... I think, standing here, I've finally accepted you won't just up and leave because I can't always juggle all my plates alone."</p><p> </p><p>"Took you long enough," Amethyst murmurs, lip quivering. Pearl chuckles, continuing on.</p><p> </p><p>"You're always there for me, and I for you. We come to each other with all our bad habits and sharp edges and... take whatever needs carrying to balance the load. Hard as it might be, I can <em>just</em> about stand not to be perfect, as long as I'm with you. You never stop trying, so neither will I." The strength of her voice wavers, but she interlaces her fingers with Amethyst's and forges ahead.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure, we make mistakes and get our wires crossed but... We can always figure things out as we go - together. I'm so lucky and humbled to be the person you trust with so much of yourself. I feel even more lucky to be able to do the same with you. Being with you is an adventure in itself - you pull me along for the ride, and I'm so <em>grateful</em>. You're the fixed point in all my whirring constellations and I cannot imagine the future without you by my side. I never want to. I love you."</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, shucks,” Bismuth sniffs, with a sob like a thunderclap as she disappears behind a rainbow handkerchief. "These two are gonna be the death of me”.</p><p> </p><p>"Beautifully done, ladies," says the officiant, approvingly. "Now, Amethyst, please repeat after me: I give you this ring, and with it, all that I have and all that I am. I pledge my love to you, now and forever."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst does so, followed by Pearl. Garnet is beaming as she wipes her streaming eyes beneath her lenses. On her other side, little Steven watches on, enraptured. </p><p> </p><p>"Then, by the power of your love and commitment, and the power vested in me by the state, I am delighted to pronounce you married. You may each kiss your bride.”</p><p> </p><p>The room rings with applause, but Pearl and Amethyst are oblivious to the noise, staring as if punch-drunk as they melt into one another's arms. Pearl rallies first: dips Amethyst back amid a chorus of cheering, hair hiding their faces from all assembled while - assiduous as always - she follows the officiant's instruction to the letter.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It seems ludicrous, after all the months of agonizing build-up, that the day slips by so quickly. They planned the itinerary to the quarter-hour, but even Pearl finds herself without a spare minute to so much as think about timings. It feels as though she's trying to catch snatches of memory in her hands, like the bright confetti which rains down as they step out of the courthouse and into the blazing sun.</p><p> </p><p>The proceedings melt into a giddy carousel blur, punctuated by pockets of high-definition joy: her hand, steady around the pen as they sign their names on the paper declaring them legally wed. Amethyst shrieking with laughter in her dress and heels, as she chases a startled clutch of seagulls out of shot for photos. Her sisters, cheek to cheek as they envelope her in three-way hug, murmuring their congratulations, all past squabbles forgotten. Bismuth, almost knocking Amethyst flat with a hearty clap to the shoulder as she pronounces them "family". Garnet, leading their small gathering in a heartfelt toast against the last rays of evening sun, stoicism melted by infectious pride and love for the blushing brides. Steven's guileless gap-toothed grin as he stands on her toes to dance, a simple side-to-side sway amidst the background thrum of happy chatter and smiling faces. <br/><br/></p><p>She wants to remember it <em>all</em>, but every time she looks at Amethyst her mind dissolves; all spun-joy cotton-candy happiness. Each pop of realization that she's hand in hand with, dancing with, kissing her <em>wife </em>hits electric, and she can't help but smile 'til her face aches. <br/><br/></p><p><br/><em>It was worth it,</em> she thinks, as they slow-dance. It’s complex, bittersweet and many-layered: not joy begotten by pain, but deep happiness made possible by hard graft and experience. <em>She was </em><em>worth it.</em></p><p> </p><p>They'd balked at the idea of a registry, but Garnet had discreetly organised for their closest friends to chip in toward their simple honeymoon - one week at a cabin up in the mountains. Amethyst had pushed hard for something luxe for their wedding night, however, and Pearl had agreed to one night in the bridal suite of a fancy high-rise hotel in Empire City - "after all," she'd quipped, "we only do this the once."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst insists on closing Pearl's door when the cab arrives. Through the window, she waves a last goodbye to Garnet and Bismuth - it's late, and most of the other guests have absconded early. Lapis and Peridot have long since disappeared, Vidalia had been defeated by Jenny in a particularly raucous drinking game, and Greg had taken Steven off to bed when the little ringbearer's eyes started drooping dangerously right on the makeshift dancefloor.</p><p> </p><p>"We will, we will - bye, guys! Thanks again for everything!" Amethyst shouts over the roof of the car as she clambers in, flushed and beaming. "Woo! Alrighty - Empire City, here we come."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl wishes she could cut and print the image of her wife right there and then, exactly as she is: Pearl's tuxedo jacket hanging off her shoulders, heels in her hand and sneakers on her feet, scorchmark on the hem of her dress where she'd twirled too near a candle. Amethyst glances across and catches her staring.</p><p> </p><p>"You good?"</p><p> </p><p>"Just fine," she insists, overcome as she leans across to kiss her. "You're incredible."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst giggles as she kisses back. "Easy, Sweet P. Gotta save somethin' for the bridal suite."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, shush," Pearl admonishes, rubbing the tips of their noses together as the car begins to move. "How are you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Man, I'm tired. Who knew weddings were so exhausting?"</p><p> </p><p>"Everyone who's ever been a part of one?" Pearl suggests. </p><p> </p><p>"True," Amethyst sighs, leaning back against the headrest. "If I fall asleep, wake me up when we get there."</p><p> </p><p>"No promises. I can carry you in."</p><p> </p><p>"You won't," Amethyst retorts, cracking one eye open. "I'mma carry <em>you</em> over the threshold - and only when we're back at the apartment. We made a deal."</p><p> </p><p>"How many times? Heads or tails is not a binding contract," Pearl protests, laughing. Amethyst joins her, and they join hands across the empty back seat between them. </p><p> </p><p>"Suits you," Pearl comments, eyes on the new ring glittering on Amethyst's finger.</p><p> </p><p>"You too," returns Amethyst. She tucks a stray ringlet behind her ear where her intricate hairstyle has come loose, then smiles, almost shy. "I love you, y'know."</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too," Pearl replies softly, then glances at the driver. Quickly, she unfastens her seatbelt and scoots across to Amethyst's side.</p><p> </p><p>"Wow, marriage is already making a renegade outta you! Unbelting when we're nearly on the highway? What's next? Gonna run a red light?"</p><p> </p><p>"Quiet, you," Pearl murmurs, buckling back up and silencing her new wife with another kiss as she puts her arm around her. "We really did it."</p><p> </p><p>"We really did," Amethyst yawns as she settling comfortably against Pearl, tugging the suit jacket halfway around her torso like a blanket. Pearl tries to care, comes up short. <em>Whatever. It's getting dry-cleaned anyway</em>. "Gonna drive you crazy from now 'til the end of time."</p><p> </p><p>"I look forward to it," Pearl replies - and she means it from the very bottom of her heart.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly drowsy herself, she allows her eyes to close for a moment - lulled into a comfortable stupor by the moving vehicle and the warmth of Amethyst against her shoulder, but still determined that she absolutely will <em>not</em> doze off. It is, after all, their wedding night.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They are both fast asleep long before they reach Empire City - a detail which they swear upon the sanctity of their marriage must never, <em>ever </em>be revealed to Lapis.</p><p> </p><p>"Not even if you divorce me?" Amethyst jokes, midway through the honeymoon, mutual secrecy brokered as they toast marshmallows in the twilight.</p><p> </p><p>"Not even then," Pearl promises solemnly. They hold one another's gaze, then both burst into hysterics.</p><p> </p><p>"God," Pearl says, turning her attention back to the firepit: rotating her marshmallow delicately over the flame, intent on letting it brown evenly. "Can you even imagine?"</p><p> </p><p>"What, Lapis findin' out we were too beat to - "</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl chides, elbowing her affectionately. "<em>Divorcing</em>. Two per-cent of all couples do, after all."</p><p> </p><p>"Why would I wanna imagine that?" Amethyst laughs. "Freakin' depressing stat to bring on a honeymoon, babe." She plucks a blistered marshmallow from her skewer and shoving it into her mouth whole, fingers sticky with oozing sweetness. "That ain't us. Never gonna happen. Ride or die, P."</p><p> </p><p>"I quite agree," Pearl hums, face pink from the warmth, hair aglow in the firelight. Matter settled, Amethyst presses her sugary lips to her wife's, before she reaches across for another marshmallow.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>therapist: and what do we do when we feel like this?</p><p>me: hacks up 14k of fanfiction in three days like a cat with a hairball</p><p>therapist, visibly recoiling: jesus christ. go outside.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you so much to everyone who's read, left kudos and commented on this so far! This is a beast of a chapter but getting the wedding right was a huge stumbling block for me. I was dead set on injecting a bit of fluff into the proceedings before things start gaining traction. and by 'things' we mean a reverse slow-burn taking Pearl and Amethyst from their wedding day to Sapphire's office. Plenty of heavy shit to come for any whump fans who tapped out around Chapter 11 when things started going Suspiciously Well.</p><p>concrit always welcome, comments and kudos always deeply appreciated. stay safe, wear masks, read fanfic.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. i finally ask you what was the matter, was this a matter of worse or of better?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sapphire makes a suggestion, while away from the office, Pearl and Amethyst do their best to put theory into practice.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Well,” Amethyst says in a flat monotone, “that aged great. Damn, were we ever clueless.”</p><p> </p><p>“We were... young," Pearl says, by way of mitigation.</p><p> </p><p>“Not that young," Amethyst grouses. “What a pair of morons. And twenty-seven year old Amethyst had the brass balls to say she was <em>tired</em>? Fu - I mean, screw that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t much better,” ventures Pearl. “I thought I was <em>stressed</em>. I barely even had a foot on the career ladder." She tugs at the ends of her hair. "Isn't it wonderful to be the center of your own universe? I had no idea."</p><p> </p><p>“<em>We</em> had no idea,” Amethyst corrects, reasonably. “Pretty cocksure for two kids who didn’t know poop from applesauce.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl huffs tiredly and pinches the bridge of her nose, but Amethyst still catches it: the upward flicker of her lips. She’s exasperated, for sure, but fighting a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“We really were,” she admits. “I thought I had it all figured out. I was wrong.” She straightens up, brow creased as corrugated iron. "I hate being wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst scoffs derisively. "In other ground-breaking news, water is wet."</p><p> </p><p>“How does it feel,” Sapphire cuts across, voice rippling like silk, "going over your marriage vows?"</p><p> </p><p>“It... ugh. It feels like I screwed up,” Amethyst replies glumly. “I dunno. I didn’t have the kind of parents you could learn all the happy-families stuff from, and... well, y'know how it is. Nobody gives you a babygay how-to manual when you first figure out you’re into chicks. Getting married after all that... it feels like goin’ into some test thinking you got the thing nailed down, then realizing you read the wrong syllabus. I feel like I <em>flunked</em> marriage.” She laughs bitterly. “I guess that makes this remedial class, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Pearl, how about you?”</p><p> </p><p>“It hurts,” she says, simply. “Back then, it felt like all we needed was to stick together and we’d be able to take on the world. I felt so confident when we first got married, thinking about the future. It was exciting. I hadn't felt that since long before Rose died.”</p><p> </p><p>“How does thinking about the future make you feel today?”</p><p> </p><p>“...Terrified." Her face pinches around the word.</p><p> </p><p>"And Amethyst?" Sapphire indicates her next, with a graceful gesture of the hand.</p><p> </p><p>“The same," she mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire hums, looking over the worksheets spread on her desk for a quiet moment. Pearl coughs. Amethyst shifts in her chair. They don't look at one another as their admission hovers around the room, awkwardness clinging like morning mist.</p><p> </p><p>“It seems to me that a lot of your points of conflict arise around miscommunications - that is to say, when one of you perceives that the other has failed to meet expectations,” she says, thoughtfully. “Does that resonate at all?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um. Wow,” Amethyst whistles. “Read to filth by Mrs. G-Squad. Damn.”</p><p> </p><p>"What Amethyst is trying and failing to say very succinctly," Pearl says, rolling her eyes, "is... yes, that seems accurate."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire nods. “Verbalizing wants and needs - including a need to be listened to, a need to take up space - is essential to healthy communication within partner relationships. Often, in long term relationships, partners can find themselves making their own needs as an individual less of a priority compared to the demands of work, raising a family, or other factors."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, yeah," Amethyst argues, "but... that's just how it goes? Something's gotta give, you can't quit your job or ignore your kid."</p><p> </p><p>"I agree," Pearl chimes in, then blinks in surprise before she gingerly repeats herself. "I... agree... with Amethyst. It would be remiss, surely, to continually prioritize yourself at the expense of those who depend on you - professionally or personally."</p><p> </p><p>"It's good to see you on common ground," Sapphire smiles, "but do hear me out. I'm not suggesting that it isn't essential to readjust priorities in a way which places one's own needs on the back burner from time to time. However, if it becomes a constant, this creates an unhealthy balance which often gives way to resentment or tension. Does that seem accurate?" she adds, mildly.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl and Amethyst share a furtive sideways glance.</p><p> </p><p>"She's good," Amethyst quips, jerking a thumb at Sapphire. The silver-haired woman actually laughs behind her hand, a rippling windchime clangor.</p><p> </p><p>"I certainly like to think so," she says humbly. "As I was explaining, tension can often arise if one partner perceives the other to be devaluing their work - and I include emotional labour within that category - at the same time as they are pushing their needs to the bottom of the list. This can often be reciprocal, and breeds resentment and discord, even though you may not realize it’s happening.”</p><p> </p><p>Her eye travels down the second worksheet once more, and Amethyst realizes with dread it's hers. She recognizes the dog-eared corners, the looping scribble on the back - her pen had run out and she'd hastily tested a new one overleaf - along with a yellowish circular stain that she thinks <em>might</em> be beer. <em>Crap.</em> Sapphire doesn't comment on the state of her worksheet, not that that's much of a mercy with how many blow-ups they'd had to write about. </p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst, I can certainly see a few instances of confrontation relating to work, here. Would you like to speak to those at all?"</p><p> </p><p>“I get... defensive, I guess. And mean. And kinda snappy,” Amethyst acknowledges, meekly. “P’s the higher earner but we both bust our asses. I feel like I can’t say jack about my stress when she’s bringing home the big bucks, even though I'm super beat too.”</p><p> </p><p>“I... don’t make it any easier,” Pearl tries, awkwardly. “When I’m stressed, I struggle to manage alone. I don’t like to face up to the fact I need help, so I’m usually too late letting anybody know I’m floundering, then I’m overwhelmed and it all comes out wrong.” She tugs at her damp tissue, guiltily. “I never mean to compare the two. I’ve always been proud of Amethyst’s job.”</p><p> </p><p>“You have?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, don’t be ridic - <em>sorry.</em> I’m sorry. Of course I have,” Pearl amends, placating. “You make a real difference to those children’s lives. They might remember you when they’re our age. Who on Earth will remember which IS analyst was responsible for adjusting one of thirty implementation models, say, five years from now?”</p><p> </p><p>“It still counts,” Amethyst shrugs. “And money talks. Not like they pay you to sit on your ass all day.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re both clearly dedicated to your chosen careers,” Sapphire interjects, gently. “And it is wonderful to see you recognizing one another’s strengths. But tell me - what do you do to relax?”</p><p> </p><p>They both stumble.</p><p> </p><p>“I... don’t,” Pearl says, with difficulty. “I go from work, to dealing with Opal at home, then back to work. If I take a break to do anything else, I get anxious - I feel like I need to go and check on things, either at the office or back home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you not trust others to hold the fort for you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not especially," Pearl confesses, with effort.</p><p> </p><p>“Not even Amethyst?”</p><p> </p><p>“I - it's just - that isn’t it," she groans, shooting a guilty look at Amethyst. "Don't think that."</p><p> </p><p>"No sweat," Amethyst says, with a wave of the hand, curious to hear the follow-up. “Half the stuff outta my mouth comes out backwards.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl, gratified, turns back to Sapphire.</p><p> </p><p>"It's just... I had to earn this. All of it. My job, my family. If I stop, I'm scared it - it might get taken away, if I'm not careful enough. And we’re so, so lucky to have Opal. It’s - shouldn’t I want to spend every minute I can with her?" Her tone shades to pleading. "You're a parent. How... how did you do it? How are you <em>supposed</em> to do it?"</p><p> </p><p>"If only it was that easy," the older woman muses. "Families are complex and unique. There's no right or wrong way. But think about it this way, Pearl. You’re essentially holding down two full time jobs. In not allowing time for yourself to decompress or engage in any activity entirely for you, you’re not giving yourself a second’s respite from the standards you maintain for yourself either as a professional or as a parent."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl bites her lip, listening intently. Amethyst feels a pang of remorse. She wonders how much time they could've saved, over the years, if they'd only managed to stop and talk things out before diving feet-first into yet another blazing row.</p><p> </p><p>"Imagine anyone else in this scenario," Sapphire reasons, sagely. "Would you treat their stress so dispassionately with the knowledge that they hadn’t had a break in - and do forgive me if I’m inaccurate in my estimate - several years?"</p><p> </p><p>"...Oh." The stark picture painted by Sapphire's unhurried words sets Pearl reeling.</p><p> </p><p>"Am I wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>"...No. Not at all."</p><p> </p><p>“Yeesh... " Amethyst sucks air through her teeth in a low, disconcerted whistle. She regrets it a second later when the noise draws Sapphire's focus back to her, eyebrow raised. “My turn? Um...”</p><p> </p><p><em>Damn.</em> It’s jarring to consider how long it’s been since she switched off for real, or did anything that wasn’t somehow linked to either work or parenting. <em>The metamorphosis is complete.</em> She’s become <em>that</em> mom.</p><p> </p><p>The thought is uncomfortable. More so is the realization that those few instances which made the cut have dwindled only to activities which felt unavoidable - Steven’s birthday. Opal’s. The occasional dinner with her friends, when she’d blown them off one time too many already. The majority of invitations just don't merit the hassle of persuading Pearl to get a sitter, or negotiating which one of them stays home.</p><p> </p><p>She hadn’t celebrated her own birthday the year prior. Admittedly, they’d had bigger problems.</p><p> </p><p>Conscious that Sapphire expects an answer sometime before Opal graduates college, she stammers out a hasty, “Do these appointments count?”</p><p><br/>Sapphire smiles benignly. Pearl, however, tuts.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey," Amethyst says, defensive, "I ain't wrong. This is the closest we’ve had to a date in three years.”</p><p> </p><p>"That's... sad," Pearl laments, realizing her wife is right. "Really sad."</p><p> </p><p>"Yup," Amethyst concurs, sourly. "Maybe I should start dressing up on Tuesdays."</p><p> </p><p>"That," Sapphire counters in a gentle voice, "won't be necessary. What I would like you both to consider is - what you enjoyed doing, an activity just for your own pleasure or relaxation, when you did feel able to make time for yourself?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm. I guess... well, I painted," Amethyst ponders aloud. "Always been into it - it's how I got the gig I'm in now."</p><p> </p><p>Ancient memories bubble to the surface: hours lost in front of paper or canvas or a blank wall, the empty space tempting her with possibilities, the smell of solvent in the air, a rainbow splattered across the skin of her arms. There were times she’d be so engrossed Pearl would have to come coax her away for dinner - <em>you can’t create your masterpiece on an empty stomach, darling; come and sit down</em>. She smiles, continues on. </p><p> </p><p>"And... I used to help out at this gallery, too - non-profit, local artists, couple of events a year raisin' money for community projects. Couple of friends got it going. Nothin' big or fancy," she's quick to add, "it ain’t the Louvre, but... kind of cool, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"How about you, Pearl?"</p><p> </p><p>"I danced," she answers, vaguely wistful. "I lived for it, for a good while."</p><p> </p><p>"She was ridiculous," clarifies Amethyst. "I've seen her in action - could've been her major if she hadn't been so into tech. Took some time off when she was all... y'know - bad with food and whatever, but once she got better she was doin' the odd class up 'til she was too pregnant to tie her ballet shoes. It was insane."</p><p> </p><p>"It was?" Pearl quirks an eyebrow, bemused but pleased at the praise.</p><p> </p><p>"Psh, yeah! I could've watched you for days. She made it look like it was nothing, I swear. She did this mid-air split thingy - "</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Grand jeté</em>," Pearl supplies, though she's smiling. </p><p> </p><p>"Gonna take your word on that - anyways, she could do it right up in the air, and make it look pretty," Amethyst exclaims, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "Imagine being able to get your legs out <em>there</em> - " she illustrates with a wide gesture of her hands, " - and stay smiling. Ballerinas are freakin' hardcore. She didn't even break a sweat."</p><p> </p><p>"I certainly did," Pearl says, indignantly.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, okay, you sure did," Amethyst quips, sticking out her tongue - until she catches the dangerous flash of Pearl's eyes. <em>Too soon, too soon!</em> screams her brain, as she backpedals quickly. "Kidding! Swear I'm kidding. Sweats perfume, farts rainbows, this one."</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire steeples her fingers politely over Amethyst's ribbing and Pearl's rising color. "What would you say prevents you from taking it up again?"</p><p> </p><p>"I - what?" Pearl blinks, thrown.</p><p> </p><p>"Dance."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," she falters. "Um. I've been away for far too long. My body is... different, now. I've had a child. I'm too rusty. Too old."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't believe there's any such thing. My own wife took up horseback riding when she was already in her fifties."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?" Amethyst and Pearl both gape at her. Sapphire's lip curls, though she doesn't acknowledge the question. </p><p> </p><p>"In any case, whether it was an old pastime or something entirely new, I think there's a lot of value to be had in re-establishing time for oneself for its own sake - as well as using it as a foundation to rebuild positive connections within a relationship. Once taking time for yourselves as individuals has become routine, even if it is limited, it might then be possible to look at ways to spend time together as a couple."</p><p> </p><p>Her ice-blue gaze is direct and meaningful. Both of them shrink back a little, feeling dissected.</p><p> </p><p>"Think of it as building blocks: the foundation is making time for yourself, and then next layer is making time for one another. And I don't mean coming here," she tacks on delicately, as Amethyst closes her mouth and resettles back against her chair. "I mean quality time: space to be together without interruption, to talk without judgement and discuss."</p><p> </p><p>"Have we... ever done that?" Amethyst asks of Pearl.</p><p> </p><p>"A long time ago," she admits, worrying her lip with an apologetic look at Sapphire. "We usually end up fighting."</p><p> </p><p>"There's a lot of value in knowing when to put a discussion to bed, even if it involves agreeing to disagree. Further down the line, it might be possible to find an activity to share in that won’t cause tempers to rise - something low-effort that facilitates you spending time together."</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Pearl swallows. "So - make time for ourselves first, and each other second?"</p><p> </p><p>"Is that so insurmountable?" Sapphire asks, pleasantly. They look at one another, expressions mildly incredulous.</p><p> </p><p>"Gotta say, I don't know how we're gonna do this," Amethyst professes. "But... we can try. There's gotta be something we can still do that doesn't end in us arguing."</p><p> </p><p>"I hope so," Pearl frowns, doubtfully. "I... we only have six sessions left. What happens if - ?"</p><p> </p><p>"If?" Amethyst rounds on her, then stops, heaves a frustrated sigh. "Sorry. I meant - what're you talking about? <em>If</em> what?"</p><p> </p><p>"If we can't," her wife clarifies. Her hands twist nervously in the air before settling to a white-knuckle grip about her midriff, making anxious fistfuls of her shirt. "If we don't find anything. If we can't make time. If we still fight. What happens then?"</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst thinks long and hard before she speaks, checking a barrage of snap responses before they can hurtle forth over her tongue. Finally, she shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know," she admits. "But... you talk like we’re a done deal. We got six more sessions here, sure, so we got six more weeks to keep tryin' this way. I... " She gives Pearl a wary look. "I kinda thought it might be helping. I mean. We're talking, at least? That's a start." </p><p> </p><p>"It is," Pearl concedes warily. "It... I feel like we're against the clock, a little."</p><p> </p><p>"Well," Amethyst begins, slowly, afraid of what the answer might be, "were you gonna just up sticks after ten weeks if you thought we hadn't fixed enough? I sort of figured it might be enough if we could stop goin' in circles, show we could change any little thing at all. Just to start with." Her voice lilts unbidden toward pleading.</p><p> </p><p>"It... it is," Pearl manages. "We weren't getting anywhere. And you're not wrong. We are talking. That's - that's something."</p><p> </p><p>"So when's the cut-off?" Amethyst demands, anxious and impatient. "Do I gotta mark it in the diary or what? May the whatever-th, marriage judgement day? Six more weeks or one of us is packin' our stuff?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl snaps, loud and sudden, then she raises one hand in a conciliatory gesture. "Of course not. You... said yourself you haven't given up. I haven't either. Not just yet."</p><p> </p><p>“Then... if we ain't got an expiration date," Amethyst adds, softly, "I guess we still got a little time to work at this thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst is correct,” Sapphire adds, kindly. “You do indeed still have time - approximately, as much time as you both decide you want.” She glances at the clock mounted on the wall behind their heads. “Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for this session. Same time next week?”</p><p> </p><p>“Already lookin’ forward to it,” Amethyst nods as she stands, raising a hand to Sapphire in farewell before looking from her to Pearl, one eyebrow raised. “So, what do we gotta do for next time? Need me to prep a list of ways I think I failed as a parent?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Amethyst!</em>”</p><p> </p><p>“What? All due respect to Mrs. G-Squad, we are kind of payin’ to have our marriage shredded here. I’m allowed to be sarcastic.”</p><p> </p><p>Sapphire’s eye twinkles.</p><p> </p><p>“No homework this week as such,” she informs them, lip twitching. "Sorry to disappoint you, Pearl. But I wish you the best of luck in dedicating some time to yourselves, if at all possible. Goodbye for now, both of you."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Two awkward days after their appointment, Pearl is tidying while Amethyst cajoles Opal through bath-and-bedtime. The splashing and shrieking from down the hall has long since lapsed into quiet, so Pearl can only hope their daughter has settled down without a struggle.</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes fall on their wedding picture, face-up where it had been set back on the nightstand all those weeks ago. She hadn’t bothered to right it since - had deliberately avoided it, hadn’t wanted to think about it - but tonight, she sets down her cleaning apparatus and picks it up for a good long look.</p><p> </p><p><em>Two kids who didn't know poop from applesauce</em>. She chuckles despite herself. Amethyst's inelegant turns of phrase had always tickled her. Some things, at least, haven’t changed.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Amethyst calls softly from the doorway. Pearl jumps, caught in the act, almost dropping the picture frame.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi! Hello. Is she asleep?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, took a while this time. Had to read that godawful truck book three times over.” She peers over. “You okay? Whatcha g - <em>oh</em>. Right.” She hesitates. “I’mma leave you to it, I just need to grab my - “</p><p> </p><p>“You can stay.”</p><p> </p><p>The words tumble out before she can think. Her conscious mind screeches to a halt, slamming around the words as they land like breezeblocks, as Amethyst freezes.</p><p> </p><p>“Y’what?”</p><p> </p><p>“You can stay. If you'd like to.”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl watches her wife's face as her eyebrows knit into a confused frown, mouth opening as if searching for the right words to pretty up a rejection. Her whole posture is as tense as a tight-wound clockwork toy, one sudden move on Pearl's part and she'll go skittering away. Eventually, though, she relaxes.</p><p> </p><p>“You sure?”</p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t,” Pearl answers. She sees Amethyst’s expression flicker, bruised, at the coolness of her tone; and winces. “No - oh - I’m sorry. I meant... of course I’m sure. It’s your bed. Well, your half.”</p><p> </p><p>“‘Kay,” Amethyst nods, less uneasily. "So... I'mma get changed in the bathroom."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Oh, of course. I'll... do the same." Pearl's cheeks blaze as she departs for the master bathroom, feeling nettled and exasperated at herself for it.</p><p> </p><p><em>You are</em> thirty-six <em>years of age. Get a grip. She is your wife. She's been sleeping on the pull-out for almost three months. She is entitled to feel every bit as awkward as you do.</em></p><p> </p><p>Once the evening rituals of teeth and moisturizer and contacts are finished, Pearl and Amethyst hover awkwardly either side of their bed, both pyjama-clad but feeling unbearably exposed. There was a time when the rare combination of late hour, low light, and no wailed summons from their daughter's room would have pulled them to the bed as if magnetized - cresting on a wave of heady anticipation, warm hands and warmer lips, eagerly melting into one another's embrace in the privacy and darkness of their bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>Now Opal sleeps through the night more often than not, but the gulf between them feels infinitely wider than a king-size. They are older, sadder, more wary of one another. It feels like an age since the bed felt like anything other than a mark of how far they've drifted.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst, never one to bear an awkward moment well, breaks first. "Well. I guess... Goodnight?"</p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight," Pearl says, woodenly. She fluffs pillow pointlessly as she removes them, stacking them neatly, playing for time before sliding under the covers. Amethyst, as always, dumps the throw pillows on her side onto the floor before clambering into bed, flicking off the lamp as she does so.</p><p> </p><p>As she sets her head on the pillow, Pearl is appallingly wide awake. She feels exhausted, physically and mentally drained; but as her eyes adjust to the dark she has never felt further from sleep, not even in the grim days of medication-induced insomnia. It's impossible to relax with Amethyst <em>right there</em> when the other woman is usually the alpha and omega of her stress.</p><p> </p><p>Across the bed, Amethyst shuffles restlessly. </p><p> </p><p>"You okay?" comes her voice through the darkness. Pearl's tense shoulders unclench, just a little. </p><p> </p><p>"Not especially. You?"</p><p> </p><p>"Nah. Brain's all over the place," her wife admits, with a yawn. “Therapy's fuckin' hard."</p><p> </p><p>“You can say that again."</p><p> </p><p>“Does it feel as weird for you as it does for me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Talking to Sapphire?" Pearl asks, tersely. "And may I remind you whose brilliant idea this was?"</p><p> </p><p>"An idea that got ignored 'til we were on the verge of calling a lawyer," Amethyst fires back. "You would've sooner let us divorce than talk over all our shit with a pro just 'cause you felt too <em>awkward</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl huffs an irritable sigh. "If you're trying to make me feel worse, you're doing a wonderful job."</p><p> </p><p>"No." Amethyst says, quickly. "No. I'm not. Sorry."</p><p> </p><p>If Pearl focuses, she can make out the white of her eyes across the bed, snub nose upturned at the ceiling. 'Sorry' is getting an extraordinary amount of airtime in their house, just recently.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean Sapphire," Amethyst tries again. "Well - not specifically. I meant... talking ‘bout us. Like, this week. All that stuff with the wedding.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Pearl agrees, crossing her arms over the comforter. “Yes, it feels strange. We thought we had it all worked out.”</p><p> </p><p>“We didn’t know shit,” Amethyst laughs, shaking her head. “D’you th - no, that sounds dumb.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wh - you didn’t even <em>say</em> anything!”</p><p> </p><p>“Forget it," Amethyst huffs. "It's late and I don’t want you gettin’ all uppity at me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Amethyst,” Pearl coaxes, struggling to keep exasperation at bay, “please - don’t. We’re supposed to be talking. We have to practice.”</p><p> </p><p>"...Sorry. Gimme a sec, let me try to get it right in my head first."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Pearl concedes, with difficulty.</p><p> </p><p>It's so much harder, once they're out of the appointments. Sapphire’s office feels like some liminal third space where the past and present intermingle: there, they can peer together with jaded eyes down the lens of time to mock their naivete, their youthful arrogance, their guileless frittering of the good times. Outside of their allotted hour a week to rake over the past, the mood feels decidedly odd.</p><p> </p><p>After so much time in opposition, trying to build bridges towards one another is a precarious undertaking. It feels like visiting an old rental home: seeing someone else's personal effects around, smelling a different detergent, catching a shin on furniture that's been moved since the space was last yours. It's old ground they're covering, landscape familiar still, but changed enough to necessitate watching their step.</p><p> </p><p>"D'you think it's because of her?" Amethyst asks, eventually. "Rose, I mean. Not like, blaming her!" she splutters, quick to head off an instant misunderstanding. "I just... You were<em> so</em> sad. It really did a number on you, it felt like... I wasn't there for most of it, so I couldn't get it, and I didn't know how to help. D'you think that's part of it? Why you're always tryin' so damn hard? 'Cause I know you've always been a perfectionist but..."</p><p> </p><p>She tails off, unsure how to dress it up. There's no delicate way to address the lingering impact of your wife's dead lover from the other side of your marital bed.</p><p> </p><p>"I guess I wonder if we'd have an easier time of it if she hadn't majorly broken your heart. I know I've made a whole bunch of mistakes, for sure, but... it sucks wondering if we always started off on the back foot." She bites her lip pensively. "I'm - sorry if this is super weird. You don't gotta answer if - "</p><p> </p><p>"No," Pearl interrupts, quietly. "It's okay. I... I think a part of me will always be sad, when it comes to her. She was the first person I loved, and she loved me too, but... I wanted something she couldn't give." Her chest hitches in a humorless laugh. "It was never a case of me against Greg - oh, I wanted it to be! It gave me something to hate. It made it easier, feeling like I had an enemy."</p><p> </p><p>"You made up for it," Amethyst tries, in the interest of fairness.</p><p> </p><p>"I know. But I wanted her to myself, and that wasn't Rose. She gave me a <em>purpose</em>, she made it okay to be me. She meant <em>so</em> much to me, I... I didn't want to share her. I took it for granted that she'd pick me if she was made to choose, so I made her, and... all she did was be honest. She never set out to hurt me. I realize that now."</p><p> </p><p>"She didn't mean to," Amethyst offers. "But she did, all the same. And I know I kinda had it in for her - she broke your heart, and I felt like her bein' all cute with Greg was just rubbing it in. But like... that letter? Fuck, P. You gotta remember I wasn't there like Garnet and Bis were, I thought she was all talk. She really loved you."</p><p> </p><p>"I know." Pearl smiles sadly into the dark. "I know. I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?" Amethyst half-laughs. There's the faint scrape of skin against fabric, as she reaches up to rub her eyes with a sigh of exhaustion. "Not like I don't see it. I just... I was jealous. And kind of a dick to her. So maybe all of this is karma or some crap like that. Would we be as fucked if she hadn't gotten in first?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl smooths the blankets with both hands, taking a long moment to consider her answer before she trusts herself to speak again.</p><p> </p><p>"What we have and what I had with Rose were - are - totally different. And I still think I would've always been like this. Anxious, I mean. Difficult. God, if it hadn't have been for Rose I hate to think how I might've ended up, trapped in that house with <em>her, </em>believing everything she said..."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl has never once struggled to conjure an image of Rose. Now, the familiar face blooms in her mind's eye: the secretive smile bracketed by candyfloss curls, eyes deep and so mesmeric a glance was enough to trip Pearl over her own feet. She'd been an anxious wisp of a thing, wracked by terror, petrified every second she deviated from her closely-monitored schedule that her mother might root out her secret.</p><p> </p><p>But somehow, the very real danger faded to an afterthought every time she settled to listen to Rose's voice, lifting and falling in excitement as she mapped aloud their future together. So many grand plans, each more extravagantly unlikely than the next. And Pearl decided, again and again and again, that it was worth the risk.</p><p> </p><p>Rose had been just as wild and untamable as the flower whose name she'd adopted, and over time she'd seeded a little of her disobedience in Pearl too. Her tentative imaginings had been reserved and awkward at the outset, growing bolder under Rose's delighted urging - and with her example it had felt like there was no obstacle that couldn't be tackled provided they had each other. She'd been young, breathless with first love, reckless with adoration. It had been her beautiful secret - until it wasn't.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl was clever, but her mother sought out misdemeanors both real and imagined with the tenacity of a bloodhound. Walking into to her room one evening after school, flushed with the thrill of another clandestine meeting with Rose under the guise of math tuition, Pearl had found their letters - all of them - retrieved from the hiding spot carved in her mattress, laid out on her bed in an incriminating rainbow of multicolored gel pen. There was nowhere to run. The evidence could barely have been more damning if they'd been caught in the middle of a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Her mother took her cell, but she'd had her secret phone - the one her mother didn't know about, the one she didn't have to present for inspection, the one she'd had the presence of mind to hide down her bra in the few precious seconds she'd had before the interrogation began. So it had been Rose she called and Rose who rescued her: taken her home; declared her bedroom <em>theirs;</em> let Pearl sob herself breathless in panic and anguish before promising to help her build a new future, a new path, a new life to live on her own terms.</p><p> </p><p><em>It'll be even better</em>, she'd consoled her firmly, kissing the tears from her cheeks as Pearl clung to her, hanging desperately onto her every syllable like a castaway clutching at driftwood. <em>You'll be free. You never have to do what she says ever again. You don't have to please </em>anyone<em> but yourself now, my Pearl. </em></p><p> </p><p>And yet she'd wanted to please Rose all the same. She'd helped her break free of her mother's thrall, although Rose had always been adamant that Pearl would have gotten out with or without her. She'd been fond of telling Pearl how strong she was - even back then, that javelin-thin bundle of neuroses held together with Catholic guilt and perfectionism.<br/><br/></p><p><em>Strong</em>. Pearl hadn't believed her at first, certain that she couldn't manage without her. Now, she reflects, perhaps she'd had been onto something. All these years later, without Rose to bind herself up in, and she hasn't buckled under yet. </p><p> </p><p>"Rose changed me," she says softly, tasting the name, like honey on her tongue. "I... have a lot to thank her for. You do, too. It would've been beyond unthinkable - this, what we have - if she hadn't lit a fire under me. So to answer your question, no. We didn't start at a disadvantage. Or if we did, it certainly wasn't down to her."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>"Good?" Pearl asks, perplexed. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Amethyst tells the darkness. "If we have to be a fuckin' mess, at least it's our mess. Not some hand-me-down."</p><p> </p><p>"What a comfort," Pearl snorts.</p><p> </p><p>"It is, actually," Amethyst says, plainly. "If it's our mess, maybe we can still fix it."</p><p> </p><p>"What a depressing assessment of our marriage."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst laughs humorlessly. "Ain't gonna lie to you."</p><p> </p><p>They lapse into silence. A few minutes pass, then Pearl rolls onto her side to face Amethyst. </p><p> </p><p>"I've realized something."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst turns to face her. "Ready to be wowed."</p><p> </p><p>"This might be the longest conversation we've had without fighting in a long time."</p><p> </p><p>"Fuckin'... you ain't wrong." Amethyst props her head on the crook of her elbow, laughing. "Go team. That mean seeing Sapph <em>was</em> a brilliant idea after all?</p><p> </p><p>"We'll see," Pearl hums, then reconsiders her answer. "It... wasn't an entirely terrible one."</p><p> </p><p>"Comin' from you, " Amethyst chuckles, "that's basically a medal."</p><p> </p><p>"Wear it with pride."</p><p> </p><p>"I will."</p><p> </p><p>Silence falls again. Pearl opens her mouth, stops, watches Amethyst's eyes close through the gloom.</p><p> </p><p>Her face is more weathered, a few more lines here and there, dark circles more pronounced. There are a few streaks of grey, salt-and-pepper amidst the dark roots - she can't pick them out with the lights down. The streetlamp outside illuminates the room just enough for her to see the curve of her wife's cheek, the angle of her jaw, the faint point of her Cupid’s bow. Pearl remembers when leaning across to cup that dimpled face and surprise her with an inviting kiss in the dark felt as easy as breathing. It feels like a lifetime ago.</p><p> </p><p>She fidgets, feeling as out of sorts as though she'd left an important task unchecked on a to-do list. Her restless mind drifts to Opal, slumbering innocent and oblivious down the hall - then, against her will, to the smallest bedroom, with its fine coating of dust covering the meticulous paintwork.</p><p> </p><p>She pushes the thoughts away, forcing her tight jaw to relax. <em>Think who you're doing this </em>for<em>. This isn't just about you and Amethyst. </em>Pearl licks her lips before she calls softly across the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" She's half asleep already.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," Pearl says, quietly. "I... I'm glad we're at least trying this."</p><p> </p><p>"Me too." The room is quiet enough for her to hear Amethyst swallow, but she says nothing more. Pearl watches the shadowy outline of her wife's shoulder, the rise and fall as her breath gradually slows, until her own eyes begin to drift shut.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Pearl wakes the next morning to Amethyst snoring at her back, one arm slung over her hip.</p><p> </p><p>For a drowsy fraction of a second, she relaxes into the contact. The bed is warm, the sun is barely up, and there's neither the shrieking of the alarm nor the sound of Opal clamoring at the door - even the snoring is soporific. She can close her eyes for <em>just</em> a second longer...</p><p> </p><p>Reality sets in, snapping her into wakefulness as completely as if she'd been doused with iced water. The blankets are thrown roughly aside as she scrambles up and out of bed, not daring to look back at Amethyst. In the weak light of the early morning, shivering in her cold bedroom, Pearl isn't sure how to feel about them having gravitated towards one another in the night. The drowsy comfort of waking up in Amethyst's arms seems to grow thorns, ensnaring her, every move another prickle of guilt. They may be married on paper, but it has been a long time since she truly felt like a wife: now, it feels almost as though she's stolen something, taking solace where she had no right to find it. </p><p> </p><p><em>God. It's too early for this</em>. Having the bed to herself is lonely, but at least she doesn't start the day with her head in a muddle. She's never had a one-night-stand, but as she shoulders into her cardigan and tiptoes out as quickly as she can manage, Pearl thinks she has a good idea how it must feel: awkwardly fleeing the scene at the crack of dawn, confused about her feelings, with no idea what on Earth to say to the person she woke up beside. </p><p> </p><p>Amethyst gasps awake less than minute later, half-smothered by the comforter. After she emerges, blinking groggily the early light, she realizes just how far she is from her side of the bed. The indent on the pillow beside her isn't quite cold, and she stares at it for a long moment as her eyes adjust. Pearl can't have been awake long, but she can't hear any squawking rebukes or passive-aggressive vacuuming outside the door, so can only assume she's left her to sleep. Which is weird. She's grown accustomed to the "who's more tired" argument as part of the morning routine, right up there with coffee and last-minute grading of assignments.</p><p> </p><p><em>She's making an effort</em>, Amethyst realizes. <em>Gotta do your bit, too</em>. Finally, she gets up, making the bed with unusual care - even the throw pillows find their way back onto the bed, and to almost their usual symmetry. She's never understood the point of having so many, and usually went out of her way to deliberately put them back out of order just to see Pearl's reaction - but the bed is much more comfortable than the couch, and pissing her wife off no longer feels like a habit she want to maintain.</p><p> </p><p>When their paths cross in the kitchen they exchange a carefully polite 'good morning' before, unsure what else to do, they find ways to avoid looking at one another. Pearl wraps herself in her newspaper, as if the cryptic crossword holds the meaning of life within its monochrome grid; while Amethyst hunches behind her laptop, reading over the new formula for calculating predicted grades as though no subject has ever fascinated her more. It's a mercy to both of them when Opal bursts into the kitchen and the morning pandemonium officially begins.</p><p> </p><p>As they immerse themselves in the familiar rhythm of domestic chaos unfolding around them, both Pearl and Amethyst feel better rested than they can remember having felt in a long while.</p><p> </p><p>Neither is ready to think too hard about why.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WHEW. So. Halfway there, or thereabouts.</p><p>I had no intention of not writing this chapter as a timeskip but the wedding buildup was SO FREAKING LONG I felt like I - and anyone reading - needed a breather to properly take stock of just how far these two have drifted. I'm a total sucker for a bedsharing trope (give me ALL the hopeless pining between crushes/ slow thaw of animosity between reluctant allies sharing out of necessity to maintain a ruse!) so I had fun turning it upside down, giving it a shake and seeing what dropped out the pockets. </p><p>If you're sad seeing how two people very much in love struggle with a relationship that's deteriorated so far their own bed feels like a monument to misery... YEP. That's what happens in a lot of cases. I promise there's no relationship therapist offering me commission on the sidelines.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. i can't believe you're sitting next to me (just open up your eyes and tell me, what do you see?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sapphire delves a little deeper into some long-standing anxiety. Nine years prior, Amethyst talks around a tricky subject, while she and Pearl discuss soft furnishings in an unbearably hot room.</p><p>(Minor content note for referenced parental alcoholism/ child neglect/ homophobia.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"It's a pleasure to see you both again," Sapphire greets them, as they take their usual seats in her office the following week. "How has this last week been?"</p><p> </p><p>"We're... doin' okay," Amethyst says, glancing quickly at Pearl, waiting for a rebuttal which never arrives. "Like, compared to how we have been. No foolin', this.... might've been the best week we've had in ages."</p><p> </p><p>"It's... getting easier, I think," Pearl manages, looking worriedly between Sapphire and the edge of the desk which separates them. "I still feel - awkward. Like I don't know what I'm doing."</p><p> </p><p>"Pfft, you and me both, Pierogi," Amethyst grins, stretching in her chair. It's been a long day and she'd spent most of her last two teaching hours floorwalking the timed assignments for the twelfth graders. Her back is killing her. "But hey. No screamin' fights this week. That's gotta be a record."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl returns her smile, nervous but earnest. "I think you're right."</p><p> </p><p>"Hold on a sec, you think I'm right? Lemme record the date and time, I want this cross-stitchin' on a pillow," Amethyst cackles good-naturedly - and she's pleasantly startled when Pearl joins in a beat later. Sapphire regards them with a faint smile playing about her lips.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm delighted to hear you're finding things a little easier," she says eventually, when Amethyst's laughter lapses into silence. "Did you manage to make any headway in finding an activity which will support you in investing time in yourselves as individuals?"</p><p> </p><p>"We kinda talked it over," Amethyst says, proud and a little embarrassed. It's such a tiny thing but with how much time they've spent at loggerheads, it had felt like a real victory. "I'm gonna get an hour in a week painting, and... I'm gonna ask about the gallery again. One evening or afternoon a fortnight, not so much I'm never home or P's stuck doin' all the hard work with Opal, but - I enjoyed it. Figured it wasn't the dumbest thing I could do."</p><p> </p><p>"That sounds like a really valuable way to reconnect with your own interests," Sapphire says, beaming. Amethyst glances away in embarrassment, rubbing the back of her neck. "Pearl, have you had any success?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh! I - I'm going to read. Set aside half an hour a day, just to read. Nothing too intense, nothing work-related, just... reading," Pearl answers, straightening up in her chair as if she's been called upon to answer a question in class. </p><p> </p><p><em>She's such a nerd</em>, Amethyst thinks, watching her wife. <em>Total teacher's pet. </em>But somehow, the fact is no longer off-putting. </p><p> </p><p>"That's an excellent goal to set," Sapphire affirms, giving Pearl an approving nod. "Very achievable and low-energy, which I know might feel difficult for you when you're so accustomed to pushing yourself. Well done."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst can't help but find the pleased little wriggle of Pearl's shoulders oddly endearing. She realizes as Pearl catches her eye that she's staring, and quickly snaps her attention back to Sapphire.</p><p> </p><p>"So, what's the deal this week?" she asks, mostly to detract from the faint warmth in her cheeks. Sapphire smooths the shoulders of her dress, before settling more comfortably in her chair.</p><p> </p><p>"We'd just left off with your wedding. Could you perhaps tell me more about the years following your marriage?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." Amethyst's smile falters.</p><p> </p><p>"Was it not a pleasant time?" Sapphire asks, eye large and blue and observant. "I think it's important to remember that neither one of you are under any pressure to share anything you might not be comfortable disclosing. This is a safe sharing space, not a place of obligation."</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's... the opposite?" Amethyst sighs. "Honestly? It was the tits."</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst!" Pearl looks appalled.</p><p> </p><p>"What? Am I wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>"No! But you don't have to be so... " Pearl purses her lips. "I'm not disagreeing with the sentiment. Just the vocabulary."</p><p> </p><p>"Sheesh, fine," Amethyst concurs. "It was wonderful. Glorious. Positively euphoric. Wordy enough for you?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl narrows her eyes, but can't suppress her smile. "Thank you. Why could none of those words be the one you default to?"</p><p> </p><p>"'Scuse me, Miss Prep School, I didn't fancy getting pantsed from pre-K to college," Amethyst counters, but the warmth of her smile denatures the sting of her words. "Anywho. It was great. Honestly thought we had it made. I was so happy I didn't know why everyone didn't just freakin' get married, y'know? It... we were great."</p><p> </p><p>"Then what makes you uncomfortable to discuss it?"</p><p> </p><p>"I... oh, jeez. It's - y'know if you watch a horror movie when you've seen it before and know how it all plays out, and it's all fine and okay before they start makin' stupid decisions? Like some dumbass just has to go into the obviously haunted house, or some idiot is all adamant that the ouija board is a totally chill party game? It's kinda like that. We were so good, and now we're..."</p><p> </p><p>"Here," Pearl supplies, grimacing.</p><p> </p><p>"Basically," Amethyst shrugs. "Like that was the good bit. Sure, we argued and had crummy days and whatever but it felt so much easier."</p><p> </p><p>"When did that change?" Sapphire probes, gently. The younger women share a long, guilty look. </p><p> </p><p>"It... happened a little at a time," Pearl begins, nervously, eyes flickering from her wife back up to Sapphire. "We had such a good few years. And then we decided to have Opal, and it - oh, it felt perfect. For a while."</p><p> </p><p>"Did it?" Amethyst frowns. Pearl hesitates.</p><p> </p><p>"Well. Perhaps not perfect. But close enough." Her lips quirk up in a wistful half-smile. "I had everything I ever wanted. The life I never thought I'd have - the one I thought I'd lost out on forever by losing Rose. The job, the wife, the house, the baby..."</p><p> </p><p>"Y'don't think maybe that's a little, um..." <em>Don't say </em>rose<em>-</em>tinted<em>. For fuck's sake, anything but that.</em> "Idealised?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's face falls. "Do you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, yeah, for sure. Like, don't get me wrong, I was absolutely psyched for the whole deal - marriage, kid, white picket fence, whatever. It made you happy, and I was happy, I just... sometimes I got kinda nervous. Like I was the weak link, and if I screwed up the whole shebang was ruined for you."</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst's nerve buckles under the dual scrutiny of Sapphire's lighthouse-beam gaze and Pearl's crestfallen expression, and she looks down, scuffing her paint-flecked loafers on the carpet.</p><p> </p><p>"It seems as though you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself to uphold a certain standard as a spouse," Sapphire volunteers, after a long pause. Amethyst pops her knuckles, ignoring Pearl's wince - she'd always hated that habit - before she trusts herself to continue.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not like I pulled it outta thin air. It is a lot of pressure. Pearl's all... " She waves a hand to indicate her wife's entire form in a look-at-all-this gesture. "Y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"I... don't know," Sapphire confesses. Amethyst barely suppresses a groan.</p><p> </p><p>"She's like - all prep school, ballerina, code magician supermom! She knows all the proper ways to do stuff and she's always so put together and - she makes it look easy, right? I was there for her total breakdowns, but like... you'd never, ever know seein' her all done up and actin' perfect." She sucks in a breath, forces herself to slow down.</p><p> </p><p>"It sucks, sometimes," she admits, with effort. It comes out small and brittle, a sour edge to the words. "It sucks to know that your wife on a bad day is better than you at the top of your game". She hunches her shoulders as she hunkers down a little deeper in her chair, conscious of Pearl looking at her.</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," Pearl asks, hesitant and puzzled. "Have you... been comparing yourself to me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ding ding," she mutters in response, not daring to look up lest she face a disapproving look from Sapphire for her sarcastic tone. "We have a winner. Top of the class as usual, Pearly."</p><p> </p><p>"But I - " Pearl ducks her head, trying to meet Amethyst's line of sight around the protective curtain of her hair. "Amethyst, you said it yourself. You were there for the worst of me. How could you ever think I was in any way better than you?"</p><p> </p><p>"'Cause," she grunts shortly, sitting straighter but keeping her arms folded tight around her, a buffer between her and the rising tide of judgement. "'You got <em>better</em>. You were such a mess we straight-up thought we were gonna lose you, but - you got better. Then you went that little bit further and did even better than you were when you started out. You ain't done a damn thing by halves the whole time I've known you, P - there's loads of people livin' with depression or whatever, but you took it and freakin' demolished it."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't," Pearl replies flatly. "It never went anywhere."</p><p> </p><p>"That's my <em>point</em>. You still live with that shit. You're still doing it. Every day, you get up and kick the crap out of it all over again - </p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst!"</p><p> </p><p>" - Oh, quit tryin' to censor me, I'm paying you a compliment here!" Amethyst snaps, then digs her short nails into her arms to check the low simmer of irritation threatening to bubble over into anger. "I just - we were all so proud of you, right? All the stuff that happened, you still came out swingin' because you're Pearl and that's what you <em>do. </em>Everyone knows it, so... anythin' goes wrong with us, the buck stops with me."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't," Pearl counters stubbornly, twisting in her chair to face Amethyst head-on.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst can hear the frown in her voice. Ever-analytical, she's big on the old evidence-based conclusions, and Amethyst - more than once - has volleyed that back at her in an argument, holding the hypocrisy up like a shield against Pearl's tears or tempers: <em>Listen to yourself. Fuckin' wild you telling </em>me<em> to calm down. </em>It's a cheap shot, but Amethyst has never had an issue fighting dirty in the heat of the moment.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, it feels like that to me," she mutters defensively, chin to chest, feeling uncomfortably cross-examined. "I didn't wanna be the thing that messed it up or held you back. You deserved to catch a break for once, y'know? So right from the start I was super stressed<em> all the time</em> about gettin' it all wrong for you."</p><p> </p><p>"I... you know it isn't easy for me," Pearl presses on. "I - you know what I'm like. I'm scared all the time. Doesn't that take the pressure off? Knowing it's an act?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, but you make it <em>look</em> like it's a cinch - and it ain't like you do badly, right? People believe it 'cause you're hella good at keepin' it together, at least on the outside -  and they look at us and wonder how the fuck we happened. I'm just some dummy flailin' around next to you, trying my damn hardest not to screw it all up or break shit or... curse." She smacks her forehead with a groan. "Sorry. At this rate I'm dipping into Opal's college fund."</p><p> </p><p>"But, Amethyst - there's absolutely no sense comparing us to one another. I'm not criticising!" Pearl adds hastily, hands up in a placatory gesture. "I only mean... we're completely different. And - and that's what I always liked." She lowers her arms, eyes wide and forlorn. "Plus, I thought you didn't care what people thought. Why would it matter how anybody else perceives us?"</p><p> </p><p>"Easy to say when you're not the one lettin' the side down," Amethyst huffs. Sapphire tips her head minutely in her peripheral vision as Pearl sighs in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>"I can see that you're in no mood to talk reasonably, Amethyst. What do you want me to say? That I agree with you? Because I <em>don't</em>. You can believe what you like and be as obstinate as you please, but the fact of the matter is I don't think I'm better than you, and you certainly shouldn't either." She sniffs, adjusting the hem of her sweater. "Also, I resent the prep school comment. You know perfectly well I dedicated my life to being the exact opposite of everything I was trained up to be."</p><p> </p><p>"I... sorry," Amethyst manages, as Sapphire steeples her fingers, watching them inscrutably from her chair. "That was outta line."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, it was," Pearl agrees, pursing her lips. "Especially in our present circumstances."</p><p> </p><p>"Whadd'ya mean?"</p><p> </p><p>"I..." Pearl's terse demeanor dissolves to worry. "I worry I'm turning into <em>her.</em> The way I am. The way things are between us." </p><p> </p><p>"Hold up," Amethyst blurts. "Your mom?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl nods, looking stricken. Amethyst sighs through flared nostrils, letting sympathy erode the sharper edges of her frustration, before reaching across to squeeze Pearl's shoulder. She stiffens at the contact like Amethyst's palm carries a charge. </p><p> </p><p>"I never met your mom. Everythin' you've told me makes me want to call her words I for sure can't say in front of Mama G. But you are <em>nothing </em>like her. She was a total freakin' narcissist who trashed your self-esteem, forced you and your sisters to compete with each other, threw her freakin' <em>teenage </em>daughter out the house with nowhere to go just for bein' queer." She looks hard at Pearl, tone a little fierce. "You're persnickety and stressy and you got plenty of issues but you're nothing like that old witch, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's posture relaxes a little as she gives Amethyst a small smile. "Thank you. I... think I needed to hear that. You're nothing like yours either."</p><p> </p><p>"How would I know?" Amethyst asks brusquely, withdrawing her hand. "Not gonna lie, I worry about that. A lot." She ruffles her hair, swallowing hard as she turns the thought over. Thinking about her mom always feels like something's stuck in her gullet.</p><p> </p><p>"Is there any particular reason?" Sapphire asks.</p><p> </p><p>"I... She was a crappy mom. She used to leave us alone for hours, then days, and come back stinkin' of booze with a killer hangover and scream at us for just - playing. Well. Jas wasn't much for playing even then, but fightin' or talking or having cartoons on, normal kid stuff. She didn't want us. Told us often enough she didn't want us. Jas always said she could totally see why her dad bailed."</p><p> </p><p>"And this is your...?"</p><p> </p><p>"Half-sister. We ain't close. Like... she looked out for me after Mom took off. She's five years older, started work when I was still in elementary school. Any time she wasn't fighting she was on the road. She used to come home in between trips - her and my dad both did, for a while - and she'd send money, make sure the lights didn't crap out too often, kinda thing. She made sure I knew enough to not freakin' die left on my own, at least. When I was a little kid I thought she was the coolest person alive. All I wanted was to be exactly like her."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you in contact now?"</p><p> </p><p>"She kinda went off-grid years back: she got injured, took her out the ring permanently, no idea if she's still drivin' or even where the hell she is now. Postcard every couple years, always from somewhere different. She ain't met Opal. Kinda glad she hasn't, if I'm honest."</p><p> </p><p>"Why is that?"</p><p> </p><p>"She..." Ugh. How to explain Jasper? A presence consistent enough to make sure CPS never came knocking, but oppressive enough Amethyst learned early to hide her sketchbooks if she didn't want her 'doodles' shredded.</p><p> </p><p>"She wasn't super nice to me growing up - made it pretty freakin' clear me being born was a spanner in the works for all of them, y'know? Like if it hadn't been for me maybe there'd have been more money, Mom would've treated her better, she wouldn't have had to get into the trucks when she should'a still been in school."<br/><br/></p><p>Amethyst shifts in her seat. It's been forever since she had to talk about Jasper, and never fails to make her feel off-kilter. Sapphire watches on while Pearl hovers with her fingers tracing anxious patterns in the air between their seats, seeming undecided as to whether to reach out or not.</p><p> </p><p>"I felt bad about it," Amethyst manages. "Still do. Wasn't fair what our parents did. She busted her ass to make sure the cops didn't come snoopin' around but she made damn sure I knew it was my fault she had to; like, she was always kind of pissed and bitter. I... don't want any of that around our kid, ever." </p><p> </p><p>She squeezes her hands together, counting the creases in her palm below her white knuckles. Imagining Opal feeling like an inconvenience for so much as a second makes her feel hot and queasy with anger. Pearl's fingers find an awkward purchase on her clasped fingers, and she doesn't resist. </p><p> </p><p>"You want something better for your little girl," Sapphire offers, gently. "Both of you, from the sound of things."</p><p> </p><p>"'Course," Amethyst sniffs. "Kids shouldn't be made to feel like that shit's their fault. Money or divorce or work stress, any of it. It ain't on them. They gotta be kids."</p><p> </p><p>"Does it seem likely that your mother would have willingly gone to counselling?" Sapphire asks. Amethyst lowers her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Nah. Not a chance."</p><p> </p><p>"Then it strikes me that in willingly taking steps to work on your issues, recognising behaviours which aren’t conducive to a happy home life and trying to improve them, for Opal’s sake as much as your own, you’ve deviated from the patterns which were modelled to you," Sapphire says evenly. Her tone is as light as if they were discussing daytime television rather than pent-up childhood trauma. "That takes strength. It’s something to be very proud of, Amethyst."</p><p> </p><p>"I guess it is." Amethyst's voice comes out small. Pearl pulls back her hand, wringing them in her lap as she looks worriedly at Sapphire.</p><p> </p><p>"It... is it enough? Will it be enough?" she asks, half-pleading. "For Opal, I mean. Are we doing enough to fix this for her?"</p><p> </p><p>"All families are different," soothes Sapphire. "But one of the few constants is that relationships change when families expand. Having a child is a momentous decision regardless of circumstances or how people go about it. Things shift, things resettle - it might be hard to recognise yourself or your relationship after a few years in the thick of it of parenting. That’s normal."</p><p> </p><p>"It’s not normal to be like this, though, is it?" Amethyst challenges. Sapphire remains calm as ever, smiling warmly back at her. </p><p> </p><p>"Many couples experiencing difficulties might resolve to ‘stay together for the kids’ without ever addressing the root of their problems - often, these are pre-existing and are simply exacerbated by the stressors of raising a child. It takes real resolve to decide to challenge this, which is what you've chosen to do - whatever the outcome."</p><p> </p><p>"If - if it doesn’t work," Amethyst starts, stops, swallows, continues with her hands balled into fists. "If we can’t fix this, I - I don’t want her blaming herself."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you blame your daughter for any of it?" asks Sapphire, gently.</p><p> </p><p>“No!” The answer is emphatic, instant, and delivered in unison with Pearl’s exclamation of the same. Sapphire nods, seeming satisfied.</p><p> </p><p>“Then neither will she. Let’s return to you as newlyweds. We had Amethyst in graduate school, Pearl working, no dependents or other responsibilities to occupy your time. Is that correct?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah”, grunts Amethyst, running a hand through her hair. They've been sat in the session for all of fifteen minutes, and her head is halfway to wrecked already. “You make it sound so easy.”</p><p> </p><p>“It <em>was</em> easy,” Pearl supplies, then sighs. “Comparatively.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hindsight is twenty-twenty, babe.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Summer is an easy season. The skies are blue, the days are long and warm, and the heat lends its languor to Amethyst and Pearl's first months basking in life as a married couple. </p><p> </p><p>When asked "Well, what's different?", they're hard pressed to give an answer. Their day-to-day has barely altered - they already lived together; and both of them find the task of updating official documents with their married name to be tedious after the thrill of writing the first two or three.</p><p> </p><p>But although the routine barely differs, the first flush of marriage colors even the minutiae of their life - grouting tiles, filing taxes, trips to the hardware store. The most mundane of errands all tinted alike with the soft kind glow of certainty, love and each other. Each tiny interaction is sugar-edged, from morning coffee to the last goodnight kiss before rolling over to sleep, whole world turned cherry-pink and apple blossom.</p><p> </p><p>Even when the full height of the sun bakes the roads to heat-hazed stickiness, when even the seagulls seek out shade and all anyone can do is wilt in front of a fan, quiet moments of rapture underpin the fabric of their everyday: my wife, my wife, my <em>wife</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The heatwave is no less unbearable for it, but there's something to be said for unconditional love and the wondrous invention of air conditioning.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you," Amethyst moans, as Pearl hands her a popsicle. She accepts it greedily, sticky rivulets already beginning to drip down the back of her hand as she brings it to her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too," sighs Pearl, sliding back down to join her wife on the floor to feel the full benefit of the desk fan currently whirring on full blast in front of them. The windows are wide open to tempt a non-existent breeze, and as she'd plucked the popsicle from the freezer she'd had to wrestle with the temptation to press her whole body into the delectable cold of the open door. "God, this heat."</p><p> </p><p>"Right?" Amethyst says, licking up an errant trail of strawberry drip before it can run down her wrist. "What's the point of living walkin' distance from the beach when it's full of tourists and too hot to move?"</p><p> </p><p>"I doubt the beach would be especially pleasant," Pearl hums. She fans her pink face with the copy of the Delmarva Herald, then tuts in annoyance to see her skin staining splotchy grey where her hot hands have rubbed the ink off the page. "There's no wind. And the sea will be like bathwater in this sun."</p><p> </p><p>"Ugh. Gross." Amethyst rests her head on Pearl's shoulder, a few strands pasted to her forehead. "Great shout on the fan, babe."</p><p> </p><p>"It wasn't doing any good in an empty office all weekend," she reasons. "I'll have to get one for the house."</p><p> </p><p>"Get five. Our A/C is garbage. For how much noise it makes you'd think it would at least work right."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think anyone's A/C is enough to cope with this weather. And Garnet's at the gym in this. At least Peridot's lab is temperature controlled."</p><p> </p><p>"And Lapis has the pool. Lucky bitch."</p><p> </p><p>"A public pool which everyone who isn't roasting to death on the beach will have gone to."</p><p> </p><p>"God. Yeah. Fuckin' tourist trap." Amethyst takes a long, lazy lick of her popsicle as she considers her next question.  "Would you ever wanna, like... move?"</p><p> </p><p>"From Beach City?" Pearl asks, a little sharp. "No. Never. Or at least, not for as long as Steven lives here."</p><p> </p><p>"No! Jeez. Of course not - he's family," Amethyst yelps hastily. "I just meant outta here. This apartment."<br/><br/> </p><p>"Do you?" Pearl asks, crossword forgotten.<br/><br/></p><p>Amethyst looks away, fidgeting. A chunk of popsicle breaks free of the stick, slides down her hand and lands stickily on her lap, but she ignores it. Pearl's eyes on her are as intense as the midsummer heat.</p><p> </p><p>"I've been thinkin' and... it'll be a ways off, I got my finals comin' up, and I know it'll be time and money and shitloads of paperwork but... How would you feel about finding a new place?" The suggestion comes out guilty over the chirr of the fan and the squeak as it rotates, as she glances around their apartment. </p><p> </p><p>She loves it. She loves being here, with Pearl. But just occasionally she remembers that Pearl had a life here before they ever met. Which is <em>fine</em> - it wasn't like they burst into existence in at twenty-three, after all. But even with the apartment thrice rearranged and their married name on the buzzer, she still feels an irresistible pull towards finding somewhere new and theirs. The apartment is a living history, their little bower furnished with reminders of everything they've built together - and after all this time, sometimes the echoes of everything which came before still reverberate a little too loudly to be ignored.</p><p> </p><p>But it isn’t envy which catches her off-guard, yanking hot and sudden a fishhook in her gut - it’s guilt. Rose’s bad luck had been Amethyst’s lucky clover. Had it not been for Greg, this apartment might’ve been where she and Pearl had lived as newlyweds. The wedding photo on the mantle warms her inside-out like a slug of bourbon, but sometimes she wonders whether their day might’ve been different. Better, or more elegant. Closer to what Pearl deserves.</p><p> </p><p>Plus, introspection aside, the apartment is just a little janky. She’ll never make the cover of Okay Housework, and feels vaguely revolted at her new bougie sensibilities, but in the light of the day things of late have looked too scuffed and sophomoric even for her taste. They can’t paint the walls or tear up the crummy carpet or replace the mattresses. With thirty looming, like a skyscraper breaching the distant horizon, their rental apartment feels like another thing they’ve outgrown.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Pearl answers, “yes, I suppose now would be the right time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just like that? The woman who does a freakin’ risk assessment going to the grocery store?”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl sets her crossword down, shifts to face Amethyst properly.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” she says, simply, “and I love our life together. But... I think it is about time we move on. This place is ours,” she reaffirms, “but it would be wonderful to pick somewhere out together. Our first home as a married couple.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sounds so grown-up,” Amethyst grimaces.</p><p> </p><p>“Is that a bad thing?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah,” Amethyst reassures, kissing her cheek. “Guess I don’t mind being a boring grownup so long as I get to do it with you.”</p><p> </p><p>"Less of the boring," chides Pearl, smiling, swatting her wife gently on the arm. "We're married now. It sort of - seals things. Plus that last rent hike really was extortionate."</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, yeah that was killer. But there's no pressure, right?" Relieved, Amethyst crunches the last of her popsicle, feeling the ice crystals burst against her tongue. "Let me get my assignments finished and kick that last exam in the dick, then we can start doin'... y'know. Your whole thing."</p><p> </p><p>"My whole thing?</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Amethyst confirms, wiping her mouth messily on the back of her hand. "Your schtick with the lists and the research and the talkin' to yourself."</p><p> </p><p>"...Planning?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yep," Amethyst grins. "Don't worry, I dig it."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl rolls her eyes, but rests her head on Amethyst's shoulder. Tendrils of hair cling sweat-stuck to the nape of her neck, but Amethyst kisses her cheek regardless.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you," Pearl murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too," Amethyst affirms, giving her hand a brief squeeze before crinkling her nose at the humidity of the grasp. "Gross. Sweaty hands. Sorry." She wipes her palm apologetically on her racerback.</p><p> </p><p>"Of all the things I've seen you do, sweaty palms is hardly going to put me off you now," quips Pearl, wiggling the fingers of her left hand, rings glinting in the light. </p><p><br/><br/>"It's kind of excitin' thinking about picking somewhere out together. Like... y'know. Clean slate."</p><p> </p><p>"Does that still bother you?" Pearl asks, gingerly.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst hesitates. Explaining the queasy guilt she still feels over all Pearl and Rose's shoulda-coulda-wouldas would be a whole conversation she isn't ready for. She's too hot and tired to get into all of that just now - and, she reasons, what's one little white lie?</p><p> </p><p>"Nah," she says, quickly. "Just be nice to have somewhere and it be our place." </p><p> </p><p>"I quite agree," smiles Pearl, seeming reassured as she picks up her crossword, fanning them both with it. </p><p> </p><p>"Super weird to think how we didn't even know each other when we both first lived here," Amethyst reflects.</p><p> </p><p>"A lot has changed. But this will always be our first home."</p><p> </p><p>"The heat's gettin' to you. You never stop bellyaching about how jealous you are of Lapis and Peri."</p><p> </p><p>"That is a lie," Pearl retorts. "Much as I would love to have that kind of space - not to mention total liberty with the decor - the aesthetic jealousy is very much tempered by imagining Greg as my landlord.</p><p> </p><p>"Still can't believe he didn't, like, want it. Fuck knows what they'll have done to the place by the time Steven gets the keys," Amethyst laughs, shaking her head. "Did you hear Lapis wants an aquarium?"</p><p> </p><p>"If Lapis wants an aquarium, then I imagine Peridot's already halfway to inventing a new tank filter."<br/><br/><br/></p><p>"A superior model," adds Amethyst, in her best approximation of Peridot's loftiest tone. Pearl giggles.</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing but the best for Lapis," she concurs. "Those two seem pretty happy." </p><p> </p><p>"Lapis never seems happy."</p><p> </p><p>"She was plenty happy that time Peri cussed out her boss."</p><p> </p><p>"Ex boss," Amethyst corrects. Not even Peridot's prodigious skill had prevented her getting shitcanned after years of her team being underfunded, underresourced and professionally overlooked finally caused her to crack in spectacular fashion. Screaming 'clod' at your higher-ups was a truly Peridot way to get your ass fired. "And we were <em>all</em> jazzed about that."<br/><br/></p><p><br/>"We were," Pearl hums in agreement. "I'm glad they took the barn. Though you're right - I am a little envious. We don't even have a window box, and they have <em>how</em> many acres?" </p><p> </p><p>"Well," Amethyst sighs, "I ain't got any rich aunts set to die and leave me property, so we don't get a barn.</p><p> </p><p>"We don't. But - " Pearl kisses her shoulder, " - I promise you we'll find somewhere that's right for us. Wherever we go, we're checking the A/C before we make any decisions."</p><p> </p><p>"For sure," Amethyst agrees, as she closes her eyes. They sit together for a long, quiet moment, shoulders sticking to one another with perspiration.</p><p> </p><p>"It'll be sad to leave here someday, don't you think?" Pearl says, as she lifts her head off Amethyst's shoulder, grimacing as a few strands of hair stick to her wife's damp skin.</p><p> </p><p>"Huh. Kinda?" Amethyst grunts, then relents, cracking one eye open as she peels her back off the couch. "Guess we made a bunch of good memories here. This couch has certainly seen some service."</p><p> </p><p>"It certainly has," agrees Pearl fondly. "Every movie night we’ve ever had."<br/><br/></p><p><br/>"First time we got high -"</p><p> </p><p>"- a<em>lso</em> known as the first time we ate dinner together," cuts in Pearl, with a roll of her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"First time we made out," Amethyst returns, with a wink.</p><p> </p><p>"The day you proposed to me," Pearl smiles</p><p> </p><p>"And the flu we both had after I proposed to you," Amethyst comments wryly.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. I suppose we had to get married after that," winces Pearl. "Bonded by trauma."</p><p> </p><p>"Poor couch," Amethyst adds, grimacing, then brightens, with a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows. "Whatcha say, want to give it another li'l piece of history?"</p><p> </p><p>"Amethyst," groans Pearl. "I adore you. But it is far too hot."</p><p> </p><p>"Know what else is hot?" Amethyst purrs, resting her chin on Pearl's shoulder so her breath tickles her wife's ear.</p><p> </p><p>"You. Literally and figuratively. I'm not going to be held responsible for you expiring of heat exhaustion," Pearl scolds, tapping her gently on the nose - though she relents with a sigh at Amethyst's pout. "Though you are a tempting spectacle in that vest. Ask me again later."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll run you a cold shower?" Amethyst offers.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, you marvel. What would I do without you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Death by spreadsheets, prob'ly," Amethyst yawns, lazy as a cat in a sunbeam. "Might have to join you in that shower.</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm. I was rather hoping you'd say that," Pearl smirks, getting to her feet.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, yeah?" At this, Amethyst feels miraculously wide awake.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl laughs aloud at the hopeful look on her wife's face. Stooping down, she cups her flushed cheek and kisses her deeply, not even minding the cloying strawberry flavor still clinging to her lips.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes," she breathes, hearing Amethyst's breath catch - before she grins wickedly, lets her go and straighens up. "You're covered in popsicle, and I'm not letting you anywhere near me until you're clean."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*taps mic* This thing still on? </p><p>SO. It has been Quite Some Time. In my defence there's a whole-ass pandemic still on the go, plus I had a career change/ nervous breakdown which occupied rather a lot of my time. Back now and will hopefully scratch together some semblance of an update schedule.</p><p>Huge thanks to the lovely people who've read and commented and also to the Reef for being patient with me disappearing for months. Not dead, just a husk since November, normal service slowly being resumed.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Steven Universe is the intellectual property of Rebecca Sugar and the Crewniverse.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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